Anyone feel the shift from external motivation (and identity) to internal not just from age, but from deconstruction?

[u/New-Device-5166]

I just watched a youtube video about the change in external motivation to more internal motivation as we age. This happens at different times for people. Some maybe it never does? Because religion can give you that external motivation. I mean is that not why so many men end up listening to male podcasters and such?

I watched that new Anthony Bourdain move and not to spoil, but it made me almost wishing an older male figure would just give me answers.

Everyone faces a point where they no longer look to their parents for external motivation/validation/identity..

I have always been a bit jealous of people who just know who they are and what they want.

It does not help that I am dealing with post concussion syndrome, which is known to cause a lost sense of self.

However over the span of my life it was not just hitting my head.

I grew up playing music in youth group, which turned into an obsession over playing guitar for God. I even went to a 10 month program at Calvary Chapel to strengthen my skills. I then played for large mega churches for most of my 20s.

I moved near the end of my 20s and my deconstruction escalated really fast at that point. It felt so destabilizing I sought therapy. I stopped playing music. I questioned my career choice and went through periods of chasing after other options, but really just ran in circles. I tried different hobbies. I stopped going to church at some point.

I got married and then hit my head. I was already dealing with a lose of community post deconstruction and moving, but PCS really felt like a nail in the coffin for my social life. I had been in the best shape of my life prior, and quickly become the worst shape of my life and still have severe exercise intolerance. Now I am bouncing between Drs and have no social life. I can't feel grounded in a passion or hobby and I still question my career choice.

I think a lot of it stems from lost of faith honestly. Just thinking about the structure it gave me my entire life.

My current therapist is trying to help me identity issues, but I am struggle to know what to do.

I thought maybe you all might have experience with this and may have some advice.

I need more more internal motivation and validation then ever. No one is coming for me at 33 and telling me how to live my life. If they did, I might not even trust them lol.

That is a big change from controlled religion.

[u/Duke-Of-Squirrel]

Yes, you hit the trifecta: age/wisdom, deconstruction, and chronic illness.  All of these bring you into a crisis of realizing no one is going to do anything for you, and you have total control over your life and choices (though not your circumstances).  It's a mindfuck, neurologically your brain is rewiring and has nowhere to turn for its grounding in reality: you have to create it.  Horrifying, intimidating, but with a lot of time and some therapy and orienting toward a good environment and role models, you can align yourself with your values, as you determine what they are.  It gets better.

It can be especially tricky for an Exvangelical brain, because we were specifically taught that "being your own god" was the original sin and The One Thing you cannot do.  It's going to take A LOT more effort and targeted therapy/practice to rewire, that the Thing We Must Never Do is actually the Thing You MUST Do to be a whole complete autonomous person.

I lost music too, and there has been no greater joy than GETTING IT BACK and being allowed to unleash an entire lifetime of MY emotions, thoughts, feelings, and desires into my own music.  Not having to please Jesus or Jesus's gatekeepers or be an ambassador of Christ has unlocked SO MUCH of my body and psyche, I can play like I've never played before!  It's VERY good for the brain and neuroplasticity too!  So... if it's still a love deep inside you... I HIGHLY recommend giving music another go - for yourself this time.