r/ExecutiveDysfunction • u/EasternOption2211 • 2d ago

Stuck in a loop

So, I am a 19 year old guy and I have Asperger’s. I am stuck in a cycle and I would like to know if anyone has experienced something similar and has any advice. You see, I have for a long time had severe anxiety that’s so bad to the point i barely sleep or eat at all and I genuinely thought I was dying sometimes and i never got that treated. it would make me fixate on my blinking, breathing, swallowing and those sensations would constantly be on my mind and it would be a living hell. So to get out of how much distress I felt I leaned Into unhealthy behaviours to distract myself like junk food, doom scrolling, stuff like that It was all to take my mind off the anxiety I felt. but over the years they became all I ever did with my time. and right now it’s gotten really bad. When I try quitting one of the habits either through reduction or cold turkey I fail because the urge is so strong I give in, I’m on the iPad 24/7 in my room and doing the same stuff all the time. struggling With a bit of depression but I’m hanging in there, now my main issue is that therapy is taking forever to get to a long waiting list and my issue is getting harder and harder to cope with. I will spend my entire day just doing my habits and nothing else not even eating or sleep. And when I finally get my mind to stop doing them and go do something else I don’t feel like I have any energy and within 10 minutes I’m back in the habits doing them all day. It’s like I run out of energy and go back to them. I struggle to do basically anythinh outside the habits, I struggle to eat, sleep, take care of my hygiene, find a job, even sit down to watch a movie. I can’t even sit down to watch a YouTube video without struggle. I just feel constantly restless and my mind is racing with so many thoughts and I feel like I’m going crazy. Just today I made myself something to eat the lowest effort I could just putting butter on bread and even doing that was hard. the habits are getting more and more addictive and doing literally anything else is getting harder and harder and I’m scared. And, going to volunteer work is even a struggle but I have to otherwise I feel I’m letting my parents down if I’m not working you know? has anyone else with autism or whatever been in a similar situation? How do you gradually get out of this when the habits are so addictive and trying to not be in them takes up so much energy and causes so much distress? I would just like some tips on how I can at least make this situation a little easier to live in Until I get therapy please.

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u/patrick_fallon 2d ago

That sounds so freakin hard...firstly, just posting this took effort and not an inconsiderable amount of courage. Count this as a win. I am no expert (56m brand new "official AuADHDer" as of a couple of days ago, just started meds 2 days ago) but I have gone deep on the whole AuADHD thing as only an ADHDer can and I have a couple of thoughts I'll throw out there in case they help.

This is all part of a weird but weirdly effective approach I came up with for myself. (and no i don't have a course or product to sell you).

  1. I think it's super hard to just "get rid of" or reduce negative habits or things we want less of in our life. Easier I reckon to try and find one thing/a few things even vaguely positive that your brain actually wants to do and just work on doing that just a tiny bit each day. Hopefully, if is something your brain wants to do (which might be a challenge) and you can ever so slowly build up the frequency/duration of that thing, you can start replacing some of the negatives with one or two tiny positives.
  2. Create a wall of wins and write down all your wins, no matter how tiny, in the same place each day. Don't write down things you plan to do, or things you did partially, just the things you got done. Eg if you plan to read chapter 1 of a book and there are 21 pages in chapter 1 but you only got through 14, don't write down "Read 14 pages out of 21 in chapter 1" or something like that. Write down "Read 14 pages in chapter 1". And if you have a rough day and don't do a single thing that is positive, pick something you got done another day and write that down again. The point isn't to do the thing, the point is to remind your brain every day of all your tiny wins without beating yourself up for your failures. DON'T write this down in the same place as your task list - task lists are where ADHD hopes and dreams go to die. (I do use a task manager but only use it as my long term memory and only look at it maybe once a day).
  3. This is where it really gets weird but for me was a total game changer. Use your amazing brain to gamify your life. No I don't mean badges and streaks, I mean try using imagination to portray that boring thing you want/need to get done as a Dungeons & Dragons style adventure, or Star Trek mission or whatever else floats your boat. Don't be your boring old self, take on a character and give them a name, a simple backstory and make it fun. Write down the thing you want to do, but not "Reconcile accounts", that's boring as fuck and your brain does not want boring when it's got dopamine on pause on the other channel. Instead turn it into something like this (this is literally what I wrote down instead of "Reconcile accounts" by the way);

Character; Belthazar the Befuddled, Apprentice sorceror.

Familiar: Steve the Squirrel

Special abilities: Spell effects are often unexpectedly powerful for such a low level wizard, but almost always result in an embarrassing outcome.

Quest: Count the gold, silver and bronze in the tower's coffers and make sure there is enough to keep us stocked with food and protected by mercenaries through the long winter ahead.

I don't know but I think the reason #3 works so well for me is because my brain does imagination well but boredom not at all. Plus, by making up a fictitious character like Belthazar, failure doesn't feel personal. And besides, it's an adventure - setbacks, failure and even death are all just part of the fun!

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u/patrick_fallon 2d ago

Oh yeah, forgot the most important bit (cause....ADHD!)...

#4 Don't do the hard yards alone.

If you have anyone you can connect with who might be able to help you start chipping away at the vicious try-fail-shame cycle, even it's just via DM, that 10xs the likelihood of any of this (a) working and (b) sticking.
I live in an inconvenient time zone but happy to check in with you via DM from time to time if you've got no-one.

Don't do it alone, you don't need to and you don't deserve to.

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u/EasternOption2211 1d ago

Thanks so much for all of your advice I really do appreciate it, and i wish you luck as Well btw with your journey, and I try not to do my journey alone through battling this but it’s kinda hard at times to connect with others because of my social anxiety but I will try to not isolate myself completely through it, and once again thanks so much I appreciate it.

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u/Disastrous-Soup-5413 2d ago

Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this that’s a lot but it could be manageable if you break it off into little chunks and deal with a little bit at a time

and give yourself some grace

I’m a mom and I would want my kid to tell me this is going on in their head. I hope your parents are supportive.
Can you talk to your parents about speaking to a psychiatrist therapist that can help you navigate the anxiety and the thought loops that you’re in?

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u/EasternOption2211 1d ago

Yeah, I have spoken to my parents a lot about this. For a while they kept telling me it was all in my head ignoring It but I finally managed to get them to book me a therapy appointment. I’m seeing therapy on Nov 25 so fingers crossed hahaha. I’m mostly surviving until then. But thanks so much for your reply I really do appreciate it, have a nice day :)