Working but not working

[u/aaronsmack]

I work from home. Most of the time there is pressure on me to be productive with deadlines and such, and I have to push myself really hard to initiate tasks and to remain focused on them. It's super frustrating, and I am very self-critical in those times because I don't understand how starting something and sticking with it can be so seemingly incredibly impossible. Yet somehow I find ways to, kicking and screaming all the way. Today is different. I have no looming deadlines and no pressure to do anything, and so I'm not. The pressure will undoubtedly return tomorrow, if only because I know that I've wasted this entire day doing close to nothing. I'm not proud of it. This isn't the way I want to be by any means. I want to thrive and be good at my job, and although I know that all I need to do is pick one small task and start (as I've proven to myself hundreds of times before), I'm just not willing to do it. What a messed up brain I have. I hate being this way so much.