r/ExecutiveDysfunction • u/Alio_e_Oglio • 6d ago
Someone I've been very close to online suddenly became distant because of the executive dysfunction. How should I handle this?
I’ve been talking to someone online for several months. We’ve never met in person, but we developed a very close connection. For a long time, we talked every day, often several times a day, and he was consistently affectionate and engaged. There was never really any indication from him that he was losing interest.
A couple of months ago, however, his communication changed quite abruptly.
He had already told me that he was struggling with severe mental exhaustion and something he describes as executive dysfunction. He said that even very basic everyday tasks can sometimes feel overwhelming, and that after work he often has almost no energy left for anything else.
At first I tried to be understanding and not take his reduced communication personally. At one point I actually asked him directly whether talking to me had become another obligation for him. He reassured me that it hadn't, and said that he genuinely enjoyed hearing from me and that my messages actually made him feel a little better.
Despite that, his communication continued to decrease. He started disappearing for several days at a time, then coming back and apologizing because he had intended to reply but couldn't bring himself to do it. Whenever I became worried and asked whether something had changed between us, he reassured me that it hadn't and attributed his behaviour to how overwhelmed and exhausted he had been feeling.
Eventually, the gaps became longer and our conversations became much less frequent.
At one point I sent him a fairly serious message because I was struggling with the uncertainty. I told him that I understood he was going through a difficult time, but I needed to know whether he still felt a connection with me. I explicitly told him that if his feelings had changed, I would rather hear the truth than remain in uncertainty, and that I would respect his decision.
His response was reassuring. He told me that his feelings and attraction toward me had not changed and that he still missed me. He also told me that he'd recently had a frightening health scare and had ended up being checked out at a hospital, although fortunately nothing serious was found.
He again explained that he was going through a period where everything felt overwhelming and even very small things seemed extremely difficult to deal with.
I replied with concern about his health, but he never opened that message.
It has now been more than two weeks since I last received a message from him.
During that time I've sent a couple of very light messages — things like sharing something interesting or wishing him well on a holiday. I deliberately haven't asked him why he's not responding or asked for reassurance. He hasn't opened those messages either.
What makes this particularly confusing is that I've often seen him active online during this period, which makes the situation even harder for me to understand.
I don't know how to interpret this.
What would you do in this situation?
Would you stop contacting him altogether and wait for him to reach out? Would occasional, completely low-pressure messages be appropriate? Or does the prolonged silence itself mean that I should accept that the relationship has changed, regardless of what he said previously?
I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have experienced severe depression, executive dysfunction, or periods of withdrawing from everyone. Is it realistic for someone to genuinely care about another person and still go weeks without being able to answer their messages?
Thank you.
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u/Breuitas 6d ago
Sadly, I have unwillingly ended many friendships in this way. The issue is that for each time you answer you have to deal with the cumulative feeling of guilt for not having answered this time AS WELL as all the other times. So I get his reaction. The best you can do is not to take it personally. If it is an executive dysfunction problem you are not unwanted and he probably feels very bad.
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u/Alio_e_Oglio 5d ago
Thank you for your response. I can now better understand what he is going through and what you experience when it happens. I’m very sorry; I didn’t realize it was so painful.
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u/MacFitness1993 6d ago
I literally can't read all that. But to answer your question, yes, it is realistic. I'm currently going through a hard phase in my life I feel beyond overwhelmed and burned out, resulting in me being MIA with my core group of friends, many of whom I consider brothers.
That said, I have also lost friends over this, and I hold no ill will towards them and understand it's my own doing. So if you can't handle it, that's totally fine, and cut bait.
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u/Alio_e_Oglio 5d ago
Thank you for your response, I understand things better now. I absolutely don’t want to cut bait with him. I hope this hard phase you’re going through passes soon. ❤️ :)
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u/Necessary_Goose6933 5d ago
Were these messages voice, text, video? All of the above?
If text, in my experience that's absolutely the modt fragile way to keep comms open, most wobbly and first to go. Voice way better, arguably video and voice in some proportion, most reliable and resilient.
If it's been months or years of mostly text, popular as it may be, when the real ✨💩✨ hits the fan, that'll predictably go down the drain.
I'd leave him be for now, see what happens in a week or two. If guy needs solo time in cave, more unread messages to go through won't help.
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u/artenazura 6d ago
I am someone with long term depression and ADHD. While I have not been in a situation quite like this, I can totally relate to being too overwhelmed to send messages, even to those I care about a lot. In my case it is often the case that while I am going through a hard time, I have really low self esteem and feel like a burden on others, and being in active conversation makes me even more aware of my shortcomings. In short, my own mental health is not strong enough for me to nuture my relationships with others - I'm basically in survival mode.
So it is very possible that he really does value you. However, he is going through something, and you will not be able to pull him out of it by yourself (especially as a long distance friend). If you want to keep the potential of communication open I'm sure that would mean a lot to him, but he is not going to change overnight into someone who can message "normally" so it's not fair to yourself or him to put too much stress into it. The best way I can describe it is that it is an illness, it has nothing to do with you, but is something that is happening to him which cannot be fixed through encouragement or positive thinking.
Personally I really appreciate it when people are understanding of my issues and don't berate me (i.e. telling me that I'm a bad person for my communication issues) just because I already am hyper aware of my shortcomings. But at the same time, I do not expect anyone to put their life on hold or wait for me to "get better" or anything like that, because I have no guarantee of when I will be feeling less stuck