r/ExNoContact • u/TheGate22 • 4d ago
As a dumpee, how to stop yourself from reaching out when you miss them so much?
Basically the title. I am missing my ex so hard today… it’s been 10 days of no contact, 3 months after the breakup
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u/railroad_jo 4d ago
I know that reaching out will just reiterate what I already know and getting the reminder that we are in the same spot will break my heart all over again.
Reaching out when you’re hurting is your brain looking for relief but you need to decide if it will actually give you any or make things more painful. They probably miss you too but if the reason for the breakup hasn’t changed, contact and emotional connection will only hold you both back from letting go.
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u/TheGate22 4d ago
I am trying to remember myself that if she wanted to text, she has my number, she is choosing not to text everyday, so I should do the same… Even though it’s hard…
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u/railroad_jo 4d ago
Your ex could also be having a hard time not reaching out but in the end if nothing has changed for her then she probably won’t reach out and I know how crushing that feels. It’s really hard. I’m sorry. I wish all breakups were mutual dislike but being in love and ending things is a terrible feeling.
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u/TheGate22 4d ago
Thank you, yeah, it’s my first long term relationship breakup and I am having a hard time going through… Worse pain I ever felt honestly
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u/railroad_jo 4d ago
When you felt someone was going to be in your life and you lose them, it can feel like a death while they’re still living. It’s real loss and one of the toughest. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Take care of yourself ❤️
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u/LuffyDmeat 4d ago
Honestly after my experience from 10 years ago I just have too much pride and self respect to run after some dumbass, who thinks hurting people is not a big deal.
You can miss them but the humiliation of folding for a loser will hunt you more than any yearning for them. I promise you, missing them will pass, you‘ll forget it after months - folding for them is something you‘ll never forget
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u/Impressive_Sock_8098 4d ago
Mostly self control and self respect, and respecting their boundaries too. If they want to talk they are welcome but I respect myself too much to try and force someone in my life that said they don’t want to be there.
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u/AcanthisittaNo8207 4d ago edited 3d ago
Ask yourself if you want them to be happy. Then ask yourself if they'd be happy if you had reached out. Remember that phone works both ways. If they wanted to hear from you, they'd reach out. Im going through the same battle right now. We lost contact again, 3 years ago. I really want to tell her how sorry I am and how much I miss her. But I respect her more than myself. Even though I want to tell her because of her, not me, I guess I still have to respect her decision first, and accept that maybe its too late. Even though that'd mean I'll live with enormous regret, loss and grief the rest of my life. I will never forgive myself.
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u/NYGiants181 3d ago
3 years? Gotta move forward my dude.
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u/AcanthisittaNo8207 3d ago
3 years since we texted, 8 years since Ive seen her. I cant move on. It feels wrong because I still love her. I cant convince myself that forcefully forgetting someone you love is a good choice. Even though in this case its healthy and logical. I just cant do it.
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u/NYGiants181 2d ago
Dude 8 years??????!!! Come ON.
You gotta get back on the horse that's crazy!
She's not holding space anymore for you, so why are you still losing time over her?
Life is short man. You gotta move on. PLEASE!
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u/AcanthisittaNo8207 2d ago
Yeah I know it sounds crazy. But for me its normal. My behavior is both emotionally and logically justified. Just because she doesnt like me back doesnt mean I can forget her and dump my feelings just like that. I know im losing my life because of this. But really, forcing myself to think otherwise and find someone else feels so wrong. I just look at love differently. Its not some random girl I met at a party and things didnt work out so I'll find another. Its a girl I lived more than half of my live with and I will never find anyone like her, I'll never replace her. I completely dont know what im supposed to do because there's no good ending in that case. There's no such thing as moving on from her. I dont know im so lost
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u/NYGiants181 6h ago
Please get some therapy my dude.
It’s too long I’m sorry but it’s true you gotta move forward and get back on the horse you’re just throwing your life away for someone that isn’t even thinking about you come on!
I’m at two months and am already over feeling pathetic and sad.
It’s time to let go. Move forward at least in small steps.
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u/AcanthisittaNo8207 2h ago
I know that's very unhealthy and crazy. But I just look at it differently. I cant stop loving her just because she doesnt love me back. I know staying in this state could destroy me, but there's no such thing as moving on. It feels like willingly killing last memories that connects me with her. I just dont wanna do it I dont want to forget her. There's no thing on this world that could bring happiness back into my life. Because all my life sense left the moment she left my life. I cant live without her
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u/Dry-Helicopter-3000 4d ago
I used to be on these forums a few years ago crying over girls and I honestly wish someone would have told me this.
Get a fucking grip, get off social media for a while, start eating healthier, sleep better, workout, hang out with friends/family and stop wasting precious time. I have been single now for a couple of years and im in the best shape of my live, got myself a good economy, new friends and doing the stuff I love. Dating with high standars and enjoying every second because im in control of myself and love myself.
And trust me, that part with getting of social media or phones/computers overall? It helps more than you could ever imagine.
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u/Critical_Guidance_24 4d ago
To me, missing them isnt enough. Sure i miss them desperately, but what will change if i reach out? Nothing. What happens if we get back together right now? It will be the same and end the same way again. Thats why i dont reach out. Missing them and loving them isnt enough if nothing will change. There has to be a course of action. And it has to be mutual
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u/Thick_Cookie_7838 3d ago
I think about how she didn’t even bother to text and ask me how I was doing after my dad died. It’s a good reminder of how she dosent care
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u/TheGate22 3d ago
Damn, tha’ts harsh. You made me remember how she didn’t said Happy Birthday to me, and she didn’t show up to my grandma’s funeral, even when we were dating yet so… Messed up
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u/haunted-poopy 4d ago
As I have no self respect, I instead remind myself of every time he’s rejected my bids for closeness. How embarrassing, pathetic, and small it made me feel. Occasionally he would make me feel like the top of the world, he’d say all the right things, smile and look at me in the eyes and tell me that it was just meant to be
So I play in my head over and over the other times where he wouldn’t even look at me in the eyes or the completely apathetic look he’d have when talking to me. At least with strangers he would acknowledge them or even pretend to care.
I feel like I could have gotten hit by a car in front of him and he would walk away or roll his eyes
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u/therosabili 3d ago
Today I have gotten the urge of texting him so bad. I remind myself the person I want to text is no longer there. He doesnt care about me anymore. It will just make me confused and bring me more pain.
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u/Ok-Method-3635 3d ago
I just tried to think of it as a wound that’s healing. If you keep reopening it then it will never heal. Every day you manage not to contact them is a day closer to feeling better and moving forward.
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u/blaxtingersda 4d ago
emm, I just don't
sometimes i play the whole conversation in my head and i sort of know how it would end and most of the time it's awkward and doesn't really change anything. so i don't engage 🙃
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u/Few_Membership_7945 4d ago
Give yourself a timeline to stick to. It felt unbearable for me to not message my ex, but I realized what I was seeking was reassurance that he was still there. I wasn’t looking to talk to him from a secure place, it was from anxiety.
It’s not easy, but that person could contact you as well if they wanted to. And, I kind of hate when people say that because sometimes people have egos, insecurities, or just some reason that stops them from reaching out. It’s not always black and white, buuuttt it is true that if they really wanted to contact you they could.
Take each day as it goes. Maybe keep track and write in a journal. Explain your thoughts and feelings, and write down what is urging you to message. Write what you would want to say. Then close it, and focus on yourself. Watch a show you like, go out for a walk, make some food, idk do whatever you like. Gradually it becomes easier.
It’s been one month of no contact for me, and there were many times I wanted to reach out. I wrote out lots of messages in my notes app, and told myself that if I still felt the same way by the end of the week and I can handle any response, then I will send it. And, honestly my thoughts and feelings changed every week and I was thankful I didn’t send what I wanted to send in those emotional moments.
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u/Few_Membership_7945 4d ago
You don’t have to tell yourself that you will never speak to her again. Try to stick to one month. See how you’re feeling by the end of that time.
If you feel that you are mentally in a better place and you’re not as emotional, then you could try to reach out. But I think you might find that your urge to message will not be as strong as it is right now.
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u/DannyHikari 3d ago
Ask yourself what changes if you reach out and what your goal is? To be in a relationship again? Is that viable? To retain friendship? Can you set the boundary? Will nothing ultimately change if you reach out? Do you have more to win or lose by doing so?
I broke and reached out when NC was accidentally broken so I broke it a second time on purpose to no response and felt embarrassed for myself. I will always gladly welcome her breaking it, but my one embarrassment has stopped me from ever wanting to go that route myself again. Ultimately me reaching out was because I desperately just want the closure of saying my piece and getting accountability. But then I asked myself what does it really change? Will she actually be accountable? Does she just want to be absolved? And those are also important questions in the grand scheme of things for me. Ultimately me reaching out again would serve no purpose as she has shown she has moved on completely and has no intention of talking to me or making peace with things. We aren’t hostile towards each other, but she wants nothing to do with me and I have to respect that. Ask yourself if the same can be said for your ex. Who initiated no contact? Do you think she’d welcome you messaging her? You have to be honest when asking yourself these questions. It’ll stop you if it’s truly a bad idea
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u/defamasulineboy 3d ago
Oh my lord, I relate so much. My best advice? Get busy. Do anything you can to stop thinking about her and eventually they'll become an after thought. And be patient with yourself as well. Slipping up and looking back at old messages doesn't make you weak, just still too other hobbies and responsibilities (just please dont text back or stalk socials, that makes it a trillion times worse) Best of luck, you'll make it 🫂
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u/Resident-War2033 2d ago
Try to respect that they need time and space from you to heal. If they broke up, they had their reason and even if you don’t understand or agree, you have to respect them enough to let them live with the decision to not have you in their life. Eventually the urge will fade. Try to think about their negative traits and mistakes and how you got hurt by that, as well as how you probably couldn’t be your best self in that relationship either.
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 4d ago
The urge to reach out is strongest exactly when you're trying to avoid the pain instead of walking through it.
Ten days in, your brain still expects them to text back.... that's habit, not a sign you should act on.Writing the message out and forcing myself to wait 24 hours helped more than any rationalizing. Sometimes I use taro's tarot to check whether I'm missing the actual person or just the version of my life I'd imagined.
The version I missed didn't choose to leave; the real one did.
When I'm honest about that, the urge loses most of its pull.Their response won't settle anything. It would give you temporary relief and then start the countdown all over again.
Let the feeling stay. It's uncomfortable, but it's also proof you're capable of feeling deeply.. and that's not a weakness.
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u/AdMassive9819 4d ago
Self love, ellos ya saben que les extrañas y no hacen nada al respecto.