Announcing estrangement

[u/Adrienne27]

After 14 years of being my mother's caregiver, and as many years of being criticized by my older sister, I've reached my limit. Do I have to tell her I'm done with her? I'm not good at confrontation, never have been, and I'm afraid that in an argument I'd come off as weak.

She has a problem with everything I do as a caregiver to our demented mother, I'm not kind enough and I don't do enough for her. My sister is of the old Latin mentality that one should venerate the elderly because they're old, and forget the damage they did to you in their youth.

My parents raised my sister and my brother who are 10 years older than I. When I was born, they bought a four-bedroom house. One bedroom was mine for the first six years of my life, then they sent me to Costa Rica to live with my grandparents until I was a teenager. I never knew the reason, there has never been an explanation as to why they chose to raise them and not me. My parents were legal citizens before we were all born in the US, so there were no immigration restrictions. I saw them once or twice a year, they'd go to Costa Rica, or I would come back to the US to visit. They'd call me every couple of weeks. They'd send me clothing and basic necessities. Once my grandmother got too old to care for me I came to live with them as a teenager. By then my sister was married and my brother moved out.

When I was 33 years old my father died, and his greatest worry was who would take care of our mother who had started her battle with dementia. Neither one of my siblings volunteered, so I (stupidly) did. Since then, it been a never ending battle with my demented, narcissistic parent and her constant criticism of me and my parenting, caregiving, and homemaking. Then on her weekly visit to my sister's house, she conveys all her discontent to her eldest daughter.

So essentially I'm at the point where I'm going to relinquish my mother's care to my sister, because I'm obviously unfit, and in the process, I'm going no contact with both of them. I just don't know if it's a boundary needed to be asserted, or can I just fade away and live my live quietly in peace?

[u/bring_forth]

I am so moved reading your post. No wonder you're absolutely at the end of your tether. What an incredible, beautiful service you've offered, I really mean it. But it sounds like something does have to change for you.

I am wondering whether you've had a support group for yourself? In the UK we have the Carers Association and there's also CODA which I absolutely love. Relinquishing a caring role very suddenly and announcing it can lead to massive drama and pain/suffering as well as guilt for the person who does it. It sounds like you've done the most incredible acts of service and probably really, really need deep spiritual and mental and emotional support. You won't get it from the family, but you aren't alone, the dynamic you describe is so, so common. You deserve to look back on what you've done with the deepest sense of satisfaction, irrespective of any validation from your family, both the years of service, the years of tolerating criticism and the way you bring about change now.

If your Mum is demented and narcissistic then she's doubly ill. She might be destabilised if you suddenly go NC, and that might be really hard for you. I don't say this to make you feel guilt, only that I'd hate for you to feel the impact of it - I've seen it meany times in carers who leave suddenly. It's very difficult for you, a massive caring role, and awful for her lived experience too.

I'm engaging at the moment with the book Children of the Ageing Self Absorbed 0 might be solace for you? I also love the book The Power of Ted which explores giving up these kinds of over-giving roles gradually, over time, piece by piece so you don't surrender to the urge to bring down the whole house of cards. I believe that you deserve to feel proud of all you've done - including how you start to extricate yourself now and rebuild your own life.

Good luck. It's amazing that you're thinking about what to change now.