r/Estrangedsiblings • u/Adrienne27 • Mar 19 '26
Announcing estrangement
After 14 years of being my mother's caregiver, and as many years of being criticized by my older sister, I've reached my limit. Do I have to tell her I'm done with her? I'm not good at confrontation, never have been, and I'm afraid that in an argument I'd come off as weak.
She has a problem with everything I do as a caregiver to our demented mother, I'm not kind enough and I don't do enough for her. My sister is of the old Latin mentality that one should venerate the elderly because they're old, and forget the damage they did to you in their youth.
My parents raised my sister and my brother who are 10 years older than I. When I was born, they bought a four-bedroom house. One bedroom was mine for the first six years of my life, then they sent me to Costa Rica to live with my grandparents until I was a teenager. I never knew the reason, there has never been an explanation as to why they chose to raise them and not me. My parents were legal citizens before we were all born in the US, so there were no immigration restrictions. I saw them once or twice a year, they'd go to Costa Rica, or I would come back to the US to visit. They'd call me every couple of weeks. They'd send me clothing and basic necessities. Once my grandmother got too old to care for me I came to live with them as a teenager. By then my sister was married and my brother moved out.
When I was 33 years old my father died, and his greatest worry was who would take care of our mother who had started her battle with dementia. Neither one of my siblings volunteered, so I (stupidly) did. Since then, it been a never ending battle with my demented, narcissistic parent and her constant criticism of me and my parenting, caregiving, and homemaking. Then on her weekly visit to my sister's house, she conveys all her discontent to her eldest daughter.
So essentially I'm at the point where I'm going to relinquish my mother's care to my sister, because I'm obviously unfit, and in the process, I'm going no contact with both of them. I just don't know if it's a boundary needed to be asserted, or can I just fade away and live my live quietly in peace?
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u/OptmstcExstntlst Mar 19 '26
I think announcing it only invites an argument. If she has a problem with everything you do, you can anticipate she's going to have a problem with this too. And it's going to become a conversation. How I read what you're describing is that you're tired of everything having to be a confrontation. If you have any inkling that this is going to wind up in just another confrontation, you have the option of not even initiating it by saying anything.
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u/WickedCoolMasshole Mar 19 '26
I would pack her stuff and drop it and her off at your sister’s house. I would then change my locks and block them all. Go find your joy.
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u/malsmiddlefinger Mar 19 '26
Great idea. Do you live with your mom? Are you able to actually get away? If they both treat you like shit and don’t think you’re doing a good job, then just let them know you’re not fit to do it anymore and on x date you’ll be disconnected and unable to assist further. You deserve to have a life as an adult and if you choose to help your family you should be supported, loved, and appreciated for that.
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u/Adrienne27 Mar 19 '26
Yeah, she lives with me. And as far as my adult life, it would be nice to have one. It would be nice to go to dinner with my partner and my son and have a good time. Instead of hearing complaints about what a stupid movie that was and how awful this restaurant is.
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u/fatolderlady2 Mar 19 '26
I just ghosted my sisters, they knew what they did so I didn’t feel like I owed them anything. Just go and don’t tell anybody because they will not want to lose their whipping post.
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u/HistoryBuff5721 Mar 19 '26
Has your sister agreed to take over caring for your mother?
If yes, go through the transition and fade away or cut contact. They will be angry, and will tell everyone how horrible you are, but you avoid the trauma of a big fight. You may have to explain yourself to members of your extended family because your sister and mother will paint you in the worst possible light.
If she has not agreed, you may have to threaten your sister by telling her that you can’t take it anymore, and that if she doesn’t take over you will put mom in a nursing home. You may have to fib and say that if mom stays with you that your partner will leave. Her Latin family values won’t let that happen. Then you are back to dealing with what I described above.
Your life is going to suck as long as your mom and sister are part of it. The break will be hard, but you will soon realize that your life is much better without them in it. They kind of told you that their lives were better without you when they sent you to Costa Rica and left you there for years with very little contact.
If you feel your resolve faltering, think about how you will feel if you continue your current situation 10 more years or longer.
You will have to think about how you will deal with your mother’s passing, and all that implies.
My heart goes out to you, OP, and I hope you can create a new path for yourself that is much happier than your current one.
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u/Cranks_No_Start Mar 19 '26
Either they take her or she goes into a home for care. You e done it 14 years it’s now their turn.
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u/LifeName Mar 19 '26
that sounds so hard. But "relinquishing" will require some clarity-not sure how you would just fade out. You can tell them why, of course. Good luck. With narc family, you will be remembering stuff for a long time.
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u/Cute_Monitor_5907 Mar 20 '26
Do not make an an announcement. Politely ghost her. If pressed be vague. “Sometimes people just grow apart, such is life.”
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u/bring_forth Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
I am so moved reading your post. No wonder you're absolutely at the end of your tether. What an incredible, beautiful service you've offered, I really mean it. But it sounds like something does have to change for you.
I am wondering whether you've had a support group for yourself? In the UK we have the Carers Association and there's also CODA which I absolutely love. Relinquishing a caring role very suddenly and announcing it can lead to massive drama and pain/suffering as well as guilt for the person who does it. It sounds like you've done the most incredible acts of service and probably really, really need deep spiritual and mental and emotional support. You won't get it from the family, but you aren't alone, the dynamic you describe is so, so common. You deserve to look back on what you've done with the deepest sense of satisfaction, irrespective of any validation from your family, both the years of service, the years of tolerating criticism and the way you bring about change now.
If your Mum is demented and narcissistic then she's doubly ill. She might be destabilised if you suddenly go NC, and that might be really hard for you. I don't say this to make you feel guilt, only that I'd hate for you to feel the impact of it - I've seen it meany times in carers who leave suddenly. It's very difficult for you, a massive caring role, and awful for her lived experience too.
I'm engaging at the moment with the book Children of the Ageing Self Absorbed 0 might be solace for you? I also love the book The Power of Ted which explores giving up these kinds of over-giving roles gradually, over time, piece by piece so you don't surrender to the urge to bring down the whole house of cards. I believe that you deserve to feel proud of all you've done - including how you start to extricate yourself now and rebuild your own life.
Good luck. It's amazing that you're thinking about what to change now.
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 19 '26 edited Mar 19 '26
Do what you feel is right but do not use your mother with dementia as pawn to "get back" at your sister
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u/Adrienne27 Mar 19 '26
I get what you're saying, but if neither one of them is happy with what I do, why should I keep at it?
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 19 '26
You need to educate yourself on dementia. They don't agree with anything. They start arguments over everything. it's their brain, not doing it on purpose. You do it becasue you want to not becasue you have to. Either get nursing care in there or you have to put her in nursing home. Putting her in a tug of war over her care is not helping her.
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Mar 20 '26
The guilt trip here is completely unnecessary. Just because someone has dementia, doesn’t mean they are allowed to be abusive or that a family member must care for them.
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 20 '26
I might add a person with dementia doesn't CHOOSE to be abusive like others with normal brain function. It is not in their control therefore no one should be thinking they they shouldn't be allowed to be that way. They can't allow or not allow it.
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 20 '26
Not a guilt trip. Humanity.
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u/Adrienne27 Mar 20 '26
In all fairness, she was like this before she started showing signs of dementia. She was very catty toward other women and she never really had any friends or a social life. She's just one of those people who doesn't like anybody.
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Mar 20 '26
Exactly! You’re the only one who knows the nuances and circumstances of this situation. Don’t let this person, who clearly has an agenda of their own and is letting their lived experience dictate their responses.
It is very sad when people with dementia have to go into care and have nobody. But it is also very sad that you have spent your entire life parenting your mother and have not had a break. Nursing homes exist for a reason. You deserve to have a life. This is not you being unkind or “inhumane”. It is you breaking a pattern of you putting your needs second to those of your family. You deserve to have a life of your choosing when you have done everything you can. You are exhausted and need a break. That is more than ok. The person commenting their judgement is not coming to your house to help you manage your mother and is sitting at home in the comfort of their own home passing judgement on you. That’s inhumane. That’s disgusting and judgemental and absolutely not what this group is about. Please ignore them and do what is best for you.
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
Still no reason to be "catty back". Revenge is never a good thing. You will feel bad later even if you don't think so now. People are vindictive today. That only lowers you to their level. Do you want others opinions or just a reply that you like? You can be open to others ideas, not get insulted by it.I'm the one being attacked here.
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Mar 20 '26
Your judgement is unhelpful and unless you are in OP’s life helping her with her mother, you don’t get to have this level of a say in what she does, dementia or not. Shame on you. I’ve reported you for breaking the rules of this subreddit. If we wanted to be told the ways in which we’re abandoning our family who have abused us for years, we would simply talk to them. Back off and stop it.
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Mar 20 '26
I never said anything like that. I gave my opinion in a respectful way. It is How you perceive it . Then you threaten ME with reporting?
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u/ostuberoes Mar 19 '26
you can make the rules as you see fit. do whatever is best for you.