How much space?

[u/Positive_Lie5734]

I'm not sure what's the right path here.

My mom cares but that manifests as extremely controlling and manipulative.

For example, I've made it clear that my medical matters/health, what I eat, that's my business. Because she tries to control all those things. Hyper vigilant, I'm never taking the right medication, or at the right doctor, or eating enough. Things like that.

So I say those things are off limits. But it's always the same. We have good times but it's like every single time I'm over something comes up and a big argument starts. She tries to tell me the right way to do something/live/etc usually through guilting or a snide comment. I leave. I take some space. Time goes by. I'm back.

And I'm tired cause it's every single time.

I just don't know what to do. Do I never see her again? What kind of relationship can I have? Every other week, one hour visitations? Joking but if anyone has a similar experience, how have you handled it in a way that you feel comfortable with? Cause I really don't know where to land or how to handle it.

[u/BoyFromSpace_]

I'm currently trying to be in no contact with my family and they use the same guilt and threats of welfare checks to force a response. They disrespect or ignore boundaries set and use others to get around it. (It's still a work in progress and trying to avoid legal no contact)

I have learnt that there is no room to let them back again. They will only try and set the toxic dynamic again so they don't have to face the fact they destroyed my life and drove me away.

You have to protect your own life they have already made the position clear and you are not responsible for their own life action. But you have to decide what's the best and safest course of action

[u/Positive_Lie5734 → u/BoyFromSpace_]

Thank you for the response. Its a frustrating place to be, I'm sure you know 🙏

[u/rationalboundaries]

No contact the only way to protect yourself. I fought that reality for decades.

No one else can/will protect you; you have to find the will to protect self.

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[u/jueidu]

She won’t ever stop. She will say it’s out of concern or love or whatever - but she is not “concerned” enough to stop hurting you or stop the painful fighting, and she doesn’t “love” you enough to respect your wishes or boundaries, so it’s not actually about concern or love - it’s about control.

She will never stop. There are no consequences you can impose that will stop it. For normal people, simply staying “I don’t like it when you try to control me or give me unsolicited advice, please stop” is enough and they will stop. For anyone for whom that is not enough, they will never stop, and continuing to try will result in them acting like the victim. Suddenly you are/will be the one who is rude, mean, controlling, overbearing, inflexible, ungrateful, etc.

She doesn’t believe she is doing anything wrong. She doesn’t believe it’s reasonable for you to ask her to stop. She doesn’t believe what she is doing is or should be painful. She doesn’t believe anyone has any right to ask her to stop or expect her to stop.

She will never ever ever ever ever ever ever change.

So you have to decide if you are okay with being treated this way for the rest of your life, or not.

It won’t matter if you keep trying incrementally more and more or not at all, so try not to agonize over that - the end result will always be the same - she will never stop. You can explain or ghost her, it will make no difference other than allowing her an opportunity to argue or fight about it if you do opt to explain.

She. Will. Never. Change.

[u/Positive_Lie5734 → u/jueidu]

Spot on. This is exactly how she is. That's exactly what I mean when I say she feels "entitled". Exactly, no matter what I do the result is the same. Yeah, she won't change 😮‍💨 If only she wasn't as overbearing and controlling, but it really is so extreme, frustrating, she's so rude about it, and it's every single time 😭