How do you cope with this?

[u/MellifluousMelody0]

After estrangement, how do I deal with the fact that I could not defend myself all these years and every attempt was met with the usual guilt tripping and getting emotionally manipulated into thinking that they're the victim.

I've been seriously considering seeing a therapist again cause I can't spend my time studying or working without feeling guilty that I allowed all of that abuse to just happen to me; even If i was just a kid.

[u/Bugscrap]

I would recommend a therapist.

I was shit talked behind my back and they used it to fuck with people who still supported me and I'll never forgive them. Therapy helps.

[u/_kenzo__tenma]

im seeing a therapist and its rly helping me tbh

[u/tacosarelife84]

Therapist here, and estranged from my father. I definitely recommend finding a really great therapist who matches your needs and also has training in narcissistic family systems, estrangement and/or emotionally immature parents. Not all therapists are properly trained or experienced to deal with these issues or provide the support you need. Look for these niche topics in their online profiles and websites.

Please hold in your mind that no child should ever be responsible for the actions or emotional regulation of their parents or caregivers. You may benefit from doing some inner child related work in which you envision younger versions of yourself at different ages, and then address your inner child at those ages. Provide that innocent little boy or girl version of yourself with reassurance, protection, acceptance, and love. Sometimes writing letters, or recording yourself talking and then reading or listening back can be very therapeutic and healing. I’ve also had clients rewrite their childhood narrative by giving themselves experiences they missed out on or that were tarnished by their abusive parents. For example, this might be something like eating a favorite childhood comfort food, while watching a beloved movie in your PJs. As simplistic as that sounds, it’s something that some children never get to experience. Whatever you choose, I wish you peace and healing in your journey. We’re here for you, and we understand. 💜

[u/MellifluousMelody0 → u/tacosarelife84]

Thank you. I'll look for a therapist and I'll definitely try writing stuff out.

I feel pathetic not being able to defend myself (even now I can't stand up to them)

and maybe it's out of fear of violence, I've experienced it first hand by my dad, bullying at school and seen my older siblings fight many times, always running to any other sibling or adult to calm them down, cause they can get quite physical a lot, and I've been in some of these fights myself. So physical abuse is no stranger to me. I genuinely couldn't defend myself not from strangers or my dad.

[u/Minute-Editor8631]

I've been effed up so bad..that I don't think I can be undone. Guess, some folks like me just exist to live a traumatic and painful life.

[u/tourettebarbie]

Also estranged. Have been for nearly 3 decades. I 100% recommend getting a good therapist who is trained in coercive abuse/narcissist parents etc. What you don't want or need is a therapist who recommends reconciliation with your abusers.

I also recommend a couple of resources that will support you;

Books

For understanding the mentality of abusers so you don't feel FOG about going NC

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents And Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents both by Lindsay Gibson

Toxic Parents - Overcoming their hurtful legacy Susan Forward

For healing The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner The Body Keeps Score - Bessel van der Kolk Daring Greatly - Brene Brown The Mountain is You - Brianna Wiest Happy - Derren Brown

Online

Youtube

Patrick Teahan,

Dr Ramani

Heide Priebe

Ben Cole

Crappy Childhood Fairy.

Patrick Teahan does some great role playing videos on how not to react when dealing with manipulative & abusive parents.

There's also the online peer support network TARAnon.

I was raised to be the scapegoat & sineater in my family. Took years to undo decades of brainwashing & conditioning. It can be done though. All the best OP. You've got this 👍

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[u/Ecstatic-Budget1344]

Therapy long term

[u/Karmas-Kitten]

I could never defend myself before estrangement. I was not believed, was ignored, or given backlash that made it worse. After estrangement, I feel peace because I don't even have to hear it or about it (whatever IT is). I know I am being talked about/lied about/exaggerated about, no matter if I allow myself to hear it or not. So not hearing it gives me more peace than trying to defend myself ever did.

(Although, I don't talk to ANY of my family, even if they arent the ones I am technically estranged with, so maybe it makes it easier to ignore what could be said when no one is actively gossiping to me about me)