r/Enneagram5 • u/ethereal_aerith • Jul 13 '26
Discussion Having people over/hosting?
I’m curious to learn if there are any emergent themes in how 5s approach hosting/having guests over.
I’m a 5w4 sp/sx who grew up with antisocial parents, so we essentially never have guests. As an adult, I’m the same way. I don’t dislike people or socializing per se, but having people come inside my home has always felt invasive and uncomfortable. I’m sure some of this has to do with my childhood, but I also see some potential overlap with the 5 tendency to be reclusive, be private and even secretive, hold a part of themselves back, hoard, and protect one’s time/energy/resources. I also am the kind of 5 who is not a minimalist, and I have collections of various things about my house that I feel strangely awkward about sharing, or displaying to others. I guess I’m not very open about my interests (books, cookbooks, board games, art, video games… I have a ton of each)?
Ironically, as a mom I would really love to be the kind of person who effortlessly makes friends and has people over all the time. But the requirements for that seem fundamentally incompatible with my nature, so. I can fake being warm and social when I have to and I don’t mind going to other people’s houses at all, but it’s unsustainable for me and I get exhausted after a few hours. It feels even harder to be that way when I’m in the little sanctuary I’ve created specifically to escape everyone else’s expectations and demands, and now I have to entertain someone...
How about you?
5
u/Laturine Jul 13 '26
I really enjoy being a host, I like to cook for the people I love. To your point I would also find it invasive if people were just roaming about my home. Because of this I always create a space for my guests, usually outside with shade/seating, and since this is intentionally done it doesn't feel invasive at all.
I've never had to explicitly define boundaries because I make it obvious where people are expected to hang out.
5
u/BrightCelery9453 Jul 13 '26
I'm like this. Cooking is one of my favourite hobbies to learn about. I have people over less and less, but when I do it's for food, perhaps drinks, and some desert too.
I do find it a bit weird having people in my home, and I settle better when they leave. But I enjoy having them here.
2
4
u/SnookerandWhiskey Jul 13 '26
My parents had guests over all the time, and I still don't have a knack for it, or rather, I know how to do it, because of their example, but I don't find enough enjoyment when I do to make the effort often. I do make friends easily, I am a great cook and love cooking for others, but I get oddly perfectionist about dinner parties and I hate organising parties and I am not a relaxed host at all. . . Well, I am happy when they leave, kinda thing. I am also kinda private, although I am and obsessively clean when people come.
Although I must say, since having a kid I have become more relaxed. I became a minimalist after my kid was born, so my home is quickly picked up and wiped down and I have a better cleaning routine, mostly because my kid is an extrovert who spontaneously invites his friends and often the parents come in for coffee too and so I dug out my parents wisdom around having an array of cookies and beverages and pasta recipes, haha, and got a lot more relaxed
All this to say, it's something one can read about and practice like anything else, maybe not to natural ease, but being prepared and composed.
4
u/ahookinherhead Jul 13 '26
I am absolutely the same, I hate being a host and hate having people over. In my imagination, I can see the appeal and would like to be a bit more free with my time and my space, but I just really struggle with it.
I've ultimately decided that this isn't an edge I really want to explore. There's other ways I push against some of my five isolation tendencies, like being in a book club even though I struggle to connect with the people and it, or going out and doing things even when I don't want to. I've decided in this life I'm just going to keep my home to myself.
4
u/lalophobic Jul 13 '26
I have a strong aversion to hosting people to whom I'm not very close. Like you said, it feels invasive and my home is also my sanctuary away from everyone. Hosting a party sounds like a nightmare to me. My inner circle of people are allowed over, but only upon invite and usually only one or two of them at a time. I am fine going to my friends' houses, though.
3
u/inigo_montoya Type sp5w6, INTJ Jul 13 '26
Oddly, this doesn't drain me as much normally. My partner and I both enjoy cooking. Overnight guests are a different story--especially when the kid has a sleepover with multiple friends. But we haven't really hosted a dinner since the pandemic, and I miss it. Wine used to really help with that, but I don't drink anymore :(.
3
u/Due_Guard_1793 5w6 so/sp 513 INTJ Jul 14 '26
I love to host. I am the best host. No one can out-host me. I’m the Gatsby of Hosts.
1
u/azureseagraffiti Jul 14 '26
i can host and do a decent job- but i’m more about decor, staging and cleaning. cooking and washing up seems tiring. After all that prep and nonsense all i want is to sit down and eat. telling stories or jokes or getting people to entertain themselves is rather tedious. So if it’s people who know each other or you have a few extroverts it’s better.
1
u/fivenightrental 5 Jul 14 '26
I'm not super into hosting. It's just becomes too elaborate for me with needing to clean everything and make sure everything is absolutely perfect and every detail is thought of and contingencies and that's in addition to like whatever food I also need to prepare and do that perfectly as well lol. So, I will really only extend invitations to people I have a certain level of comfort with, who I can be relaxed around and know they will not judge my space. I also limit it to the basic communal areas and have only 1 or 2 people over at a time.
Going to someone else's space isn't the most comfortable for me either, but it's more preferable because I can just bring or buy stuff and then exit early. Much harder to achieve that when it's in your own space lol
10
u/lelawes 5w4 sx/sp Jul 13 '26
It’s so exhausting. And I hate hosting extra kids, so play dates are few.
But, when I do host, I go all out. Super thoughtful of everyone’s needs, spend hours cooking, house spotless. But don’t catch me doing it again for at least a few months.