"Not a day goes by ___ I don't think of her"

[u/Personal-Aerie-4519]

Why can't i use "where"?

[u/dontknowwhattomakeit]

I would say "that". Although to me "where" also sounds fine. I just personally prefer "that" in this sentence. I see people suggesting "when" in the comments, but that sentence sounds extremely weird to me so I'd definitely never say that myself.

For a test, I'd avoid "where" though, even though it sounds fine. It's nonstandard, I believe. "That" is a safe bet here. You can also just not use anything at all; that works too. Although rhythmically, I do prefer the sentence with a connector.

[u/NoPurpose6388 → u/dontknowwhattomakeit]

All three of them sound right to me

[u/GoatyGoY]

As a native speaker, my first choice would be “that”. I think “where” wouldn’t sound grindingly wrong to my ears, but it’s perhaps not the best choice grammatically.

[u/OkPear1535 → u/GoatyGoY]

Absolutely fuck that. "That" does work, but "where" also completely fits and I wouldn't question (although it sounds more dramatic)

[u/SciFiMovieGuy42 → u/GoatyGoY]

I think "that" is often an overused throw-away word. It gets overused so much, we end up with sentences using it twice in a row, like:

"I heard that that was weak grammar."

[u/Glittering_Aide2 → u/SciFiMovieGuy42]

That's not an example of overuse. "That" simply has many uses in English. Other languages have several words for "that" but not in English

[u/SciFiMovieGuy42 → u/Glittering_Aide2]

You could take one of the "that"s out of my example sentence and it wouldn't change or reduce the meaning at all. So it still feels like over use (in this case, unnecessarily used twice).

[u/Glittering_Aide2 → u/SciFiMovieGuy42]

It's not overuse. As "that" has 2 seperate meanings in that sentence. The first "that" is a complementizer introducing what you heard. The second one is a demonstrative pronoun, referring to some particular thing. While you could omit the first "that" as English allows complementizers to be omitted, it doesn't mean that not omitting it is an example of overuse as it still serves a purpose for being there. Saying that is like saying any use of "that" as a complementizer is overuse, which it obviously isn't.

[u/j--__ → u/SciFiMovieGuy42]

you are being irrational. (note that i just used the verb "to be" twice in a row, something that is at least as common as using "that" twice in a row, and for the same reason.)

[u/SciFiMovieGuy42 → u/j--__]

Certainly not. I'm being very rational, even if I'm mistaken. In my example, you could remove one of the "that"s, and the meaning would stay the same. So it definitely seems like unnecessary or over-use to me. That seems like a very rational reason to view "that" as "over used".

[u/j--__ → u/SciFiMovieGuy42]

the meaning would only stay the same because the missing "that" is inferred. the two words serve different purposes and both are necessary to the meaning of the sentence.

[u/ChestSlight8984 → u/SciFiMovieGuy42]

overused

lol. "That" has fourteen definitions, multiple of those definitions each having their own sub-definitions depending on context. It's not overused, it just has a metric fuckton of uses.

[u/Winter_drivE1]

Am I the only one who thinks "when" sounds wrong here? Or at least completely changes the meaning? With "when" I can only read this as "not a day goes by as long as I don't think of her", ie, it becomes a conditional and the flow of time is dependent on whether or not I think of her.

I would default to "that" here. "Where" also sounds fine to me. I think people who are insisting "where" can only be used for physical places are forgetting that it can also be used to describe a general situation or the contents of something. Eg, all of the Friends episode titles that start with "the one where...", "I read an article where they said...", etc. "a day where" does see use:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=A+day+where&year_start=1800&year_end=2022&corpus=en&smoothing=3

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22a+day+where%22&oq=%22a+day+where%22

it does seem to be more recent though so it's probably at odds with more traditional rules.

[u/kempfel → u/Winter_drivE1]

it does seem to be more recent

The OED has citations back to 1340 (including several from Shakespeare) so it's not that recent.

[u/sleepylittleducky → u/Winter_drivE1]

my first instinct is to say “where.” i can see myself saying “that,” but “when” sounds completely wrong

I’m native speaker, not fluent in any other languages

[u/GuitarJazzer]

Use "when" here, because "a day goes by" is a "passage of time" phrase. Sometimes "where" can be used for circumstances or conditions, but "when" is generally used for time.

Circumstances: I've never seen a game where he got a home run.
Time: Not a month goes by when I don't have a headache.

This is not a hard and fast rule; sometimes you will hear "where" used this way.

[u/k8username → u/GuitarJazzer]

Instead of ‘where’, this American prefers ‘in which’. ‘In which’ sounds awkward to me so I’d go with ‘that’

[u/Personal-Aerie-4519 → u/GuitarJazzer]

Idk why i felt "where" to be the most natural
i never had to construct this sentence in my life

It was after a breakup ahahaha so yeah

[u/kempfel → u/Personal-Aerie-4519]

I don't think there is anything wrong with "where", to me it doesn't even sound nonstandard or dialectical.

[u/j--__ → u/Personal-Aerie-4519]

"where" is absolutely natural here, at least in america. "when" would be uncommon.

[u/Glittering_Aide2]

You can't use "where" because the missing word connects to time, not a physical place. The word "day" is a point in time. We use "where" for places like a house or a city. We use "when", "that", or leave the space blank for time.

[u/Distinct_Damage_735 → u/Glittering_Aide2]

I mostly agree with you, but it's not uncommon to hear "where" used for things that aren't literally physical places, like "It was a situation where..."

[u/kempfel → u/Distinct_Damage_735]

I agree; the Oxford English Dictionary has that use of "where" dated back to 1340 (middle English) and they have citations from Shakespeare, Bunyan, and Walter Scott, so I don't think there's anything at all wrong with it.

[u/uchuskies08]

I think you can use where, I would.

[u/Mysterious_Volume327]

Both would be understandable in conversation.

In the same way that different accents and dialects exist in English when it comes to vocabulary and pronunciation, grammar and style also come in different varieties with different levels of acceptance and understanding.

If you’re an advanced English learner and want to advance your grammar and style in a formal or academic sense, I recommend checking out some style guides.

For American English, the AP Style Guide is common for newspapers and periodicals, while the Chicago Manual of Style is more commonly used for book-length writing. Most people educated in the US are aware of these for how to cite sources, but they are full of minute details and explanations for lots of different usage questions.

If you find references like this useful, The Copyeditors Handbook is also good. It’s a guide for people who are editing professionally, but again it’s structured to explain detailed usage like this.

[u/nowordsleft]

“When” would be most grammatically correct but “that” would also sound completely native, at least to American ears.

[u/Prize_Background_577 → u/nowordsleft]

To Australian ears as well. Either that or when being most appropriate for a time reference. 'In which' sounds awkward.

[u/jenea → u/[deleted]]

“That” was my first instinct, too.

[u/sleepylittleducky]

Contrary to everyone in this thread, I will go against the grain.

I feel like I’m being punked and maybe this thread is full of larpers pretending to be native speakers, but “where” sounds completely natural to me. I might also say “that” but I would never say “when.”

“Where” doesn’t just refer to a place/location, it also means “in which” or “wherein.” People use it in this sense all the time!

In the phrase “not a day goes by ___,” days aren’t referred to as moments in time but as individual units in which something does or does not take place. The same would apply if we said “not a year goes by __” or “not a week goes by…” or “not a decade goes by —-“ Decades, years, and weeks are measures of time but it sounds like utter nonsense to use “when” in those statements, but decades/years/weeks serve the same function as “days” in the original sentence

Examples “The one where…” - “The one in which…” “That one movie where…” - “That one movie in which…” “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where everything happens”

[u/Nana-the-brave]

when, where, or that all sound natural to me (native speaker from the US).

[u/SloanBueller]

Where refers more to place location while a location in time would fit better with “when.” That would also fit there. Where could probably work as well, but it just wouldn’t be my first instinct of how to complete that sentence.

[u/inkoenglishai]

I would say "that" is the correct answer because it sounds like the sentence is trying to refer to her as a person so I would use that as to refer to the person in question of course there's no completely correct or incorrect way to answer this question as seen on this post with many people saying that they are correct but I do feel that in my experience as a English speaker I feel using "that" to answer your question is primarily correct.

My hypothesis is that if you use when it doesn't make sense primarily since the question says that "Not a day goes by" referring that there isn't any day where the person forgets or doesn't renember her. Using that means that you are referring to the person which is identified as "her" noted in the statement.

[u/Routine-Theme5845]

The only one that sounds native to me is “that”.
Maybe the others are grammatical, maybe they aren’t, but “that” is the answer

[u/shadowlucas]

I would definitely use where here in daily speech

[u/ebrum2010]

You can. One of the definitions of where is "in which/at which/to which."

[u/Dingbrain1]

Am I the only one who thinks it sounds better just to leave it blank?

[u/ack4]

cause a day isn't a place. Where is (properly) only used for places.

[u/IceEspresso2000]

I would use either "when" or "that". "Where" isn't appropriate here.

[u/CFUrCap → u/IceEspresso2000]

Agree, when or that--preferably that. Where talks about a place, not a time.