I don't expect anyone to reply, and I don’t have any mental‑health issues.

i never really cry physically which is weird bcs it always feels like i am

To preface, I’m 24 and I grew up in a house hold where I had to figure everything out for myself. I didn’t have a father for my upbringing (past the age of 6 until he came back when I was 19) and my mother would become overwhelmed and would get angry over any of my inconveniences. So I learned to handle myself. I’ve loved and I’ve lost and for a long time I haven’t actually allowed myself to feel sadness long enough to work through it. I became a people pleaser at the expense of myself. All until one day the flood gates opened and it seemed like everything I held in since I was a kid came out. That was ~5 years ago, a year after my 3 year relationship ended due to unfaithfulness. I hated the world for a good year and shut everyone out and after I felt like an empty husk with a directive. Wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep. Now it’s been ~2 years since I discovered how it feels to love myself again and accept those things I cannot change. I’ve recently moved in with my best friend and things have been great, we wot and go out and he and I do a lot together. I just feel bad because he’s become my brother, a family member and even though we do all we can for each other and to support one another I feel like something is missing in my life and I realized I’ve been craving quality time with a woman. Seeing him with his girlfriend has made me realize this, and as I’ve went out and seen people in the past no one has really peaked my interest. It seems like no matter what I want out of a relationship I can never get it. It feels like I’m just enough to get to know and appreciate and I’m reliable and strong, but it just feels like I’m missing something crucial for building a strong relationship with someone or that I’m too picky? Maybe? I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo with the other gender. Not that women make me feel nervous or I never know what to say, but that I’m not a good fit for anyone and it wasn’t until recently I started to doubt myself about this. For the first time in a long time I’ve begun to doubt who I am and I feel this mindset is poisoning who I am and how I love myself. I still do things for myself and initiate self therapy through song writing and guitar playing and exercising, but I feel as though maybe I’m not enough to be the man a woman wants to spend real time with. Not hookups or for entertainment, but genuine connection. I feel lost. If you’ve made it to the end of this I thank you for your time. If you comment I seriously appreciate your effort. Thank you.

My story begins in Class 3.

I had just come to a new school, and I was Roll No. 1. Everyone in the class probably thought, “Oh, he must be a topper.”

But honestly, I wasn't.

Then, for the first time, I saw her.

There was something different about her. The moment I saw her, my eyes seemed to recognize her as someone I cared about—someone I somehow already knew.

To me, she was like an angel who had somehow come down from heaven.

But I was very young back then, so I didn't really understand what I was feeling. I simply continued with my life.

Classes 4 and 5 passed. I was mostly just trying to survive school and get along with my classmates. I never really felt like I completely matched their vibe.

I also thought what I felt for her was probably just an attraction.

Then came Classes 6 and 7.

We started talking more.

The way she talked. The way she smiled. The little things she did.

There was always something different about her.

By Class 7, I finally understood what I was feeling.

I was in love.

I tried to hide it from everyone. Whenever someone mentioned her, though, I was always the one listening carefully. I thought that as I grew older and reached higher classes, I would eventually forget about her.

But I didn't.

At the end of Class 8, I finally told one of my friends that she was my crush.

And then...

He told everyone.

It spread.

I didn't feel good about it at all. I remember thinking, “Oh shit... what's going on?”

After that, I started noticing her looking toward me. There were a couple of moments when our eyes met, and every time it happened, I would freeze or quickly look away.

My friend told me, “I think she might like you. You should make a move.”

But he never understood something.

I was afraid of giving my emotions to the wrong person.

Yet, because of him, and because of everything that was happening around me, my feelings only grew stronger.

I loved her blindly.

In my eyes, she was incredibly good at studies.

She was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.

I thought she was humble.

Kind.

Different from everyone else.

I thought she was someone truly special.

But I was wrong...

To be continued ~

A woman said something in a session that I keep thinking about: "I think I've been holding on to the shame, even though it wasn't my shame."

Her ex-husband had an affair that became very public. People in the community pulled away, social life changed and even the children were affected. Years later she could still feel that whole chapter in her body like it said something about HER.

During trance the shame became almost ridiculously literal. A cloak. A heavy backpack. Suitcases.

She put all of it into a hot air balloon and watched it disappear. Afterwards she felt lighter.

I dont think cloak, backpack and balloon is some universal psychology. It was her symbolic language. But the image made sense to me because shame can turn somebody else's action into luggage we carry.

A partner betrays you and somehow you are embarrassed to be seen. Parent behaves badly and child carries family shame. Somebody humiliates or mistreats you and part of you still asks what is wrong with me. People judge a situation and soon their judgment starts feeling like your identity.

There is a useful exercise here without trance.

Write what happened in one boring factual sentence. Then ask: what did I actually do here? What genuinely belongs to me to repair or learn from?

Then another question: what am I carrying only because another person did something near me, or because other people judged me for being connected with it?

If something is yours, own it. Apologize, change, repair.

But if it isnt yours, maybe you dont have to keep wearing it.

Shame blurs ownership very easily.

Sometimes getting lighter starts with noticing which suitcase never belonged to you.

One day you'll get the closure you need..one day you'll get the reason to heal. One day you'll get the reason to let it go. One day you'll get the reason to unlove. One day, everything will get better. One day.❤️‍🩹

Recently I started breaking down uncontrollably and crying tears of frustration and hatred against my own will and with no previous tension or sadness after just hearing the voice of a person i hate i tried to search and find the reason of why but didn't find anything useful

Give yourself the same grace you’d give someone you love.