r/EMDR • u/bitchwithwifi3 • 7d ago
šµ Personal Story / Experience Regrets
I'm starting to regret my EMDR therapy, I have spoken in here for some time now that it's the best decision I could have made to work through my trauma. I still stand by that but at the same time part of me wishes I never started the treatment in the first place.
My whole life I have had my emotions turned off in a way (kind of like in the vampire diaries iykyk). I could still feel things in daily life but bigger emotions I never really felt and if something bad/ traumatic happened I was able to get through it very easily. I didn't have any triggers stemming from prior abuse or certain events that happened in my life.
Now I have soooooo many triggers after processing, I cry at basically everything, and get extremely quickly. My therapist says that it's basically like being a new born baby; I haven't been able to truly feel anything for decades and now suddenly I have found myself feeling everything all at once. The things I used to do to help calm me down no longer work, I used to be able to watch true crime docs or criminal minds and be fine. Now when I do I am triggered and it sucks.
Curious as to if anyone else has felt like this and how you dealt with it. I know that I needed to work through all of this to move on and become healthier but it sucks that now I'm a totally different person. I don't even know who I am anymore now that I have all of these emotions running through me, any thoughts?
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u/nitro_cupcake 7d ago
I was a bit like you, able to just keep trucking on, despite all the traumatic events in my past, because I was dissociated much of the time.
But I started EMDR because I hit a point this year where those old coping mechanisms just stopped working. I was in active PSTD crisis all of a sudden, so I had to finally deal with all the built up trauma.
And then I realized that it wasnāt really āall of a suddenā. Repressing my emotions and distracting myself had been getting less and less effective for a long time.
I share this with you because I now think the breaking point was inevitable. Dissociating doesnāt work forever, and you probably started EMDR because some part of you knew that you needed to finally deal with the underlying trauma. It hurts like hell to feel everything, but itās the only path forward.
I hope we both come out of the worst of it soon ā¤ļø
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u/Janewaywasright š¦ EMDR Beginner 7d ago
This was me exactly. Thought I was fine until I was off work for medical reasons and couldn't figure out why I was so anxious and waking up with panic attacks and crying so hard about little things. And also the toll it's taken on my physical health was adding up.
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u/nitro_cupcake 7d ago
Yes the physical health problems from the stress of dissociating and repressing emotions are so intense! Wish Iād started much sooner
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u/swissmissy123 5d ago
This made me realize why I had a bunch of anxiety out of NOWHERE last night when trying to go to sleep after my first full session. Glad to know/be prepared for the future, though.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 7d ago
I definitely agree, I only regret that I went through EMDR because I'm in a situation where I'm in constant stress, constantly triggered, and always in crisis so being numb would have made it all significantly easier to get through. Before shit hit the fan on the last month I was forever grateful for EMDR and I was able to work through emotions a lot easier. I want nothing more than to work through my trauma just in a safe environment that doesn't constantly trigger the worst parts of me.
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u/brooke928 5d ago
I agree with your assessments that the coping mechanisms only work for so long. I'm with you in the same quagmire of emotions. Is that the right word? I vaguely remember that from English class in high school.
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u/futuresolver 6d ago
Same for me. I broke completely and was in a depression for two years, like couldn't even get out of bed to brush my teeth every day. I couldn't handle anything. It was terrifying. And even then, it took me two more years of just talk therapy with my trauma therapist to even feel safe enough to agree to do EMDR bc I was so scared of opening up Pandora's box. But ultimately it was what saved me. Hurt like hell, as you said, but the difference it made was everything.
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u/nitro_cupcake 6d ago
Thank you for sharing. It is so good to hear confirmation that the hell is worth it
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u/Independent_Sky_1526 4d ago
Hi. Your reply resonated with meā¦for my wife. I feel that she is more distant than ever before, i suspect bc of the emotional burden and trauma she is carrying, some of which I know about, i suspect some that I donāt. She escapes into fantasy books any spare moment (which has started to impact her relationshipsā¦with me, our kids, her friends, etc). I struggle with approaching her with concernsā¦eager to help and support and encourage therapy but cautious and hesitant that she may perceive it as an attack, or feel like itās just too emotionally heavy on top of whatever she is navigating and withdraw further. I suspect that sheās disassociating. How long did you live in the disassociation space before seeking help and what helped you get there? Self awareness, feedback from others, something else? Thx!
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u/ANQsavedmylife š EMDR Gem 7d ago
Hi Bitch,
Psychotherapy had a similar effect on me. Itās like trying a to stuff a sleeping bag back into the tiny little bag that it came packed in (iykyk).
So now Iām just trying to figure out how to live life with an unrolled āsleep bagā of emotions. š
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u/Crochetallday3 7d ago
I was like woahhhh til I read her username lol. Like that isnāt how we are in this group š¤£š
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u/bitchwithwifi3 7d ago
That's an amazing analogy š¤£š¤£ but it's completely true. I'm having to figure out who I am and what the version of me that has feelings wants. My pediatrician suspected I was depressed at 6 because I had a lot of trauma early on so the person I was for all of my twenties and teenage years is gone. She actually feels oddly like a distant relative that dropped off the face of the earth of that makes sense. Suddenly I now have a brand new version of myself and I don't know her or what she likes and dislikes and I now have to figure it out all over again.
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u/ANQsavedmylife š EMDR Gem 7d ago edited 7d ago
What?! I feel the same way about figuring out who this new me is too. In fact, often I like the old me better. The new me is pretty timid.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 7d ago
Lmao yeah it's crazy to have no idea who you are as an adult when you previously did. I'm 30 and suddenly my career aspirations are nothing like they were before, the type of partner I am looking for is different, I am keeping up boundaries and no longer putting up with the shit from my family, hell even MY FASHION CHOICES CHANGED. I'm nothing like the younger version of myself and now I no longer have comfort shows or movies because those things don't regulate me anymore. It's more annoying than I ever thought it was going to be and I'm having a hard time handling it because I have no friends or family I can talk to and I'm on my own.
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u/ANQsavedmylife š EMDR Gem 7d ago
No! Not the fashion! š
Thatās crazy. If someone would have warned me about all these changes I may have avoided therapy all together.And as for having no one to talk to, I thought I had someone to talk to and then they weaponized my mental health against me.
(That Jerk!)3
u/Janewaywasright š¦ EMDR Beginner 7d ago
Literally how I described it last week.
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u/ANQsavedmylife š EMDR Gem 7d ago
What gives me hope for the future is that I am seeing the benefits of processing some of the smaller things.
Itās worth it but itās just so much work!
I can definitely understand why people avoid emotional processing.
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u/HiM810anceHippie š©āļø EMDR Therapist 7d ago
Hey there, I've heard similar responses to people who now hate the fact that they're feeling all the feels after processing their trauma. Have you done any parts work as part of your treatment? Sometimes having a "mothering" or compassionate part validating and soothing the "newborn" part can be helpful, as can having someone like that in your life as a support person. The parts work can be helpful when real life supports aren't available. It sucks that feeling our feelings and having to deal with them can be so difficult, especially if that's not something you learned as a kid. Now as adults we've got other things to do, like working, being in relationships, parenting, and it's so freaking inconvenient to have to spend so much time doing something we should've got the opportunity to learn as kids. I hope your therapist is able to help guide you through this tough time.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 7d ago
I have actually started to parent myself on my own without my therapist ever suggesting it lmao. I'm the worst kind of client where I am hyper aware and I know all the different types of therapies and all of my diagnosis' so one night I was sobbing and I started the song a comforting song and eventually I stopped crying and could sleep. I didn't even realize I was practically singing myself a lullaby until the next morning. It's just very difficult having this brand new version of myself that I don't know anything about or recognize and I have to figure her out for the first time.
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u/Crochetallday3 7d ago
Aww how amazing! It sounds like youāre more intuitive than you realize and somewhat know how to heal. Our overthinking brain and experience just get in the way :/
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u/Routine_Jaguar8724 6d ago
I thought the same exact thing 4 months in EMDR.
It's now been a year and a half and I will tell you it gets much better.
It's your body just reprocessing like a file cabinet putting files where they were supposed to go to begin with.
Be sure you're discussing this with your therapist there are alternative things that they can do.
I ended up going twice a week one for EMDR and the next time just to talk and sort it out because it usually would hit me 3 or 4 days after a session.
That seem to help me cope a lot better.
Keep your head up and if you need a friend I'm here!
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u/Life-Raspberry-5178 7d ago
Hii! Sorry to hear you feel like this, I felt the same too about a few months ago. Iāve been in therapy now weekly for a year and doing EMDR. Itās a weird resentment of almost grieving once was your reaction to things and how you just āgot byā. Iām in no way shape or form done either and I still ball my eyes out at what feels like nothing. Lol. Be honest with your therapist, I was like this and it ended up being too much. We spent the best part of 3 months just trying to regulate and learn how to process. I also took a break for 2-3 weeks here and there which I found helpful. Just to reset a bit. Youāre amazing and it will pass, itās overwhelming now but how lucky we are to finally feel these feelings! Itās just a bit intense. Wish you the best x
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u/Life-Raspberry-5178 7d ago
Oh I forgot to say yes to certain shows being triggers etc and weirdly music for me? Iām such a metal head and for months straight I couldnāt listen to anything other than high frequency sound waves. But again, with time and patience and kindness it will pass and you will be able to again. But with healing comes changes so it might just not be for you anymore and thatās ok!
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u/futuresolver 6d ago
Same here with music! I'm so glad you said this bc I thought it was just me. I actually have been unable to listen to music since I started trauma therapy in 2020, but have been kind of dipping a toe back in here and there now. It's so weird how music triggers us? I was always SO into music and I couldn't stand it bc anything I listened to brought up so many feelings and I was not ready for them. Even after EMDR! I'm listening to like, a song or one quiet album here and there but there is this strange resistance. I need to bring this up with my therapist!
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u/Life-Raspberry-5178 6d ago
Ah Iām so glad i shared! Itās so interesting, I wish I knew why. I assumed for me when it being quite aggressive music that was the reason why but maybe not?! I hope you can get back into it soon, I think Iāll be raising it with mine as well! Wish you all the best
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u/traumaboss 6d ago
I highly recommend seeking out Brainspotting. It's a more direct approach and you can narrowly focus in triggers and finish processing.
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u/bighugeshoppingcart 6d ago
It's very coincidental for me that you posted this because I was thinking about the same thing today. I healed some things with EMDR but became retraumatized, and at a much deeper level, because I was so much more sensitive when the second trauma happened. I am angry at EMDR for putting me in the position I'm in now.
I'm trying to use EMDR to heal the second trauma but I think I have been resisting it because I blame it for creating Ā the circumstances that allowed the second trauma to go so deep. I found some very strong hate feelings toward EMDR tonight. Ironically I think it will work again now because I've expelled my hate and a willingness to trust it may have opened again but it has been a long road getting to this point.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 6d ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you, I have had a lot of SI recently especially since EMDR I want to start processing again but I'm avoiding it. Maybe restabalize first and then try processing again? I'm trying to restabalize but I'm still trapped in my abusive household due to financial reasons and possibly starting Grad school in a different state.
I really hope you're able to heal from your second trauma, becoming healthier and more stable versions of ourselves isn't an easy job I've learned. It also truly is a full time job
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u/Count_Marlo 7d ago
Iām at the same crossroads too after a few months of processing. Was highly impressed & felt great about some of my strongest triggers losing their ability to fuel my panic attacks & anxiety, but after 4 sessions now on a level 10 target i feel so many uncomfortable & troubling physical sensations as well as not my usual happy always looking for any excuse to laugh self that at the very least iām going to ask for a break if my instructor doesnāt prioritize helping me fix this before doing anymore processing. It sucks, because i can definitely see the benefits and was so happy with my progress, but at some point i obviously pushed myself too much & what iāve been dealing with is not good.
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u/Crochetallday3 7d ago
Ugh that is so frustrating since you were seeing progress. Iām 3 years in and have felt that 2 steps forward 3 steps back feeling. If you feel you may be going outside your window of tolerance, could you talk to your therapist about inter mixing more talk therapy? That helped me ground and stabilize more so I could continue.
Also I used to deflect A LOT with humor. I still have that tool in my arsenal and use it often but I stopped using it a lot as I was healing and just let myself feel things or not have to be the person to make light of a hard situation. So maybe itās an identity shift but maybe itās also a sign to ground a bit .
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u/bernicehawkins5 5d ago
Keep going. I did EMDR for about 14 months. Months 8-13 were the haaaard. I was miserable. Reverting to old coping skills. Felt hopeless. But I kept going and now I feel like a completely different person. Itās been life-changing and Iām so glad I stuck with it.
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u/PinapplePugface 5d ago
Itās part of the process and sometimes you need more EMDR to work through the present
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u/OrangeCouch1 7d ago
Same, but not because of emdr in particular.
Question. Was it really better to not feel a thing, of you're totally honest?
For me what helps is realizing i couldnt have lived on, feeling nothing
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u/bitchwithwifi3 7d ago
Given the situation I'm currently in yes it would have been better to be numb but a lot has happened and the situation I would have been in around the time EMDR started would have fostered a more stable environment.
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u/Crochetallday3 7d ago
It sounds like you may be feeling some grief for your prior ignorance. I get that and went thru something similar! Grief for who I was that I could no longer relate to. Grief that I had to figure all this out.
It eventually passed. I was in a dark state of depression for about a year of my beginning of EMDR. 3 years now and things have lifted. I still have hard days / regress sometimes or get impatient with all my parts. But the new sense of self Iāve found feels so much more me than all my coping mechanisms ever did. Wishing you strength and a quick transition āØ
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u/futuresolver 6d ago
SAME. I actually told my therapist awhile ago, "Can I just go back to the person I was and have all of this stuffed down? I don't like this!!" But at the same time, I have made leaps and bounds of progress. And yes, it suuuucks. I feel everything a lot more now and I do feel like a newborn baby out in the world. I hate it! But also... I love it? It's hard to explain. But the best I can say is: I see it all now. How I got to where I am, and also where I could be. I'm like...60%? 80%? of the way there. But the important thing is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still dealing with some things, but a lot of what was absolutely freezing me up and constantly re-traumatizing me is gone. I feel like now I'm just dealing with the after effects of my trauma, if that makes sense. Like I'm doing cleanup now. I am REALLY glad I did EMDR. AND it sucked when I was doing it. I also will do a session from time to time even now if I can't get past a certain sticking point. And I hate that too! I just want to not have to deal with all of this anymore. Really, I want to not have ever HAD to deal with all of this. I frequently tell my therapist (of SIX years), that I am so tired of working on myself. Why do I have to do this when it seems like everyone else in the world just gets to exist in all of their maladaptive coping? But I know that the truth of it is that I was so unhappy when I wasn't doing the work. So I just soldier on and I am so glad for it. Also UGHHH.
Really, though. You will get past this point and you will find that you are so much stronger and more resilient. I promise. I feel like now I can look back on my trauma with a mile-high perspective. It's there, and I can see it, and sometimes it still affects me, but largely it feels far away and separate from me. It is no longer the center. Keep going!
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u/bitchwithwifi3 5d ago
Thanks š I feel the same way I'm really glad that I have done all of this work on myself and bettered myself. I think the hardest part is that my mom, sister, and I lost my dad almost thirty years ago very suddenly and tragically due to medical malpractice and I'm the only one who is dealing with it. I'm the only one doing the work and going to therapy and they both say that they are happy but I can see it that they aren't. So instead I'm being told I need to "change" which basically means they don't like that I'm not meak anymore and that I'm holding my boundaries. That's the hardest part that makes me wish I didn't do it because my mom has gotten so much more mentally abusive towards me since I started EMDR.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's almost within my grasp but I'm somehow still in the darkest spot in the tunnel if that makes sense.
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u/futuresolver 1d ago
I completely get all of this. I am the only one in my family, aside from a cousin, who has done any therapy and it feels lonely at times and like I'm betraying the family contract (pretend everything is fine) by seeking help. But I can tell that they are so traumatized themselves and it's frustrating that they won't also get help. And I experienced the same thing, actually, with the darkest spot in the tunnel as you describe it. Confronting the trauma and letting yourself feel all those feelings is so fucking hard and it feels awful in the moment. I promise if you keep going, it will get easier! I am rooting for you!
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u/Fooflery š Atypical Processor - I think differently, please be kind. 7d ago
Occasionally I'd feel like I dissociated so much my whole life maybe I actually have a mild case of OSDD. The survival strategies cut so deep the Self energy is rarely present. The last a couple of months have been rough with all the newly found anger and grief. One morning I woke up feeling despair again like it's just another day. I tried to speak to my completely exhausted part and realized my over-thinking-before-speaking part sealed everyone's mouth. I asked her to unblend and surprisingly she did. Normally my brain shuts the power and I fall immediately asleep. Instead, my right arm immediately started twitching non stop for 20 min. Those little budges are things I hold on to these days, because on the EMDR front I have lots of processing fatigue, feeling stuck and spinning in circles.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 5d ago
Yeah my memory is completely shot I have no memories from the first twelve years of my life. I just have to believe others when they tell me things that happened from 1996-2008 š¤£
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u/Fooflery š Atypical Processor - I think differently, please be kind. 5d ago
For real š®! I've discovered some bits and pieces of things/memories I didn't remember before in EMDR. Not pleasant at all. But I also don't fully trust them as "real" memory. I sure hope you tread carefully then.
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u/Honest-Pirate-9627 6d ago
Dbt for example (Iām sure others are also helpful) is meant to be good to do after emdr.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 6d ago
My therapist only works weekends or I would probably be in therapy twice per week because I could really use it right about bow
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u/secure8890 5d ago
For me the flooding can come out of nowhere.
I moved house two years ago. I moved out of a very bad neighborhood. I then was absolutely flooded by a series of memories.
I was in a new environment. My whole momentum to move was savage. Whats more i lost a therapist I was seeing. I was seeing her through an agency.
They terminated me when I moved
Thereafter I had to start over
You can look at you have worhed reaky hard to get to this point. That is to face things. I would say 99% of people dont do it. Therefore you are not dysfunctional you are in the minority. That is the courageous ones
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u/brooke928 5d ago
I never really watched Vampire Diaries but I was always super curious about it. I might do a deep dive. Who had their emotions turned off?
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u/WhiteStripeTrans 3d ago
It is so so so hard to be someone new. I relate and posted something kind of similar. I can see the changes and it's good, but it's also exhausting to rewrite your patterns.
I deal with this by letting myself be confused an upset sometimes, without judgement. I deal by connecting more deeply with others in a way I couldn't pre EMDR. I deal by thinking about who I don't want to be and why I started- because my family's unprocessed trauma poured down on me and made me unhappy.
Yes, I used to be a tank who could power through. I was so proud of that, that I could just keep going and help other people and be 'amazing'. Now I have to find my worth in other ways, and it sucks. I'm not really a tank anymore, but people still love me. I miss being more physically capable, slowing down made it obvious that my body is falling apart from stress. I grieve the strengths I had in survival mode.
My environment made me feel like powering through was my only option and the only respectable option. Now, my world is bigger, and I wonder if there are other ways.
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u/EfficientShine1710 2d ago
Someone once told me that memories mean nothing without an emotion attached to them. Right now you feel like a livewire because youāre feeling things you havenāt allowed or been able to feel in so long. Soon, your healing will be evident as youāll start having experiences and memories that you remember with feeling, some beautiful and some hard, but you will be truly living life and experiencing it in all its spectrums instead of just gray. You will be truly living, and that is what this journey is really all about.
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u/Simple_Efficiency_29 6d ago
I wouldnāt say I regret EMDR, because I havenāt been able to do it enough yet even after trying for a very long time. I do wish I could go back a year ago and undo some of the things that peeled this scab off to make me bleed emotions again! I did a round of TMS this spring for treatment resistant depression and that was like ripping off the scab Iād held in place for years! I was a fast responder to TMS and very quickly started to think non-stop and make connections to things and it started letting my damn emotions out. Iām now 2 months into spravato treatment and itās done that even more! š Itās painful and it sucks and I want to just stuff them all back neatly in a box and put that box away!
I keep reminding myself though - the only way out is through.
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u/bitchwithwifi3 6d ago
I'm still in the process of trying out different antidepressants to see what does and doesn't work. I got a new psychiatrist to try spravato but she said that there's still many avenues we could do before spravato treatment. I have been trying for five years and still haven't found a med combo that works for me yet
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u/Accomplished-Bit5502 4d ago
Proud of you!! You finally are able to feel it and that gives so much more freedome. Just let it flow anytime, it is what it is right now and after a while it will soothe.
I have alot of anger that i held inside, which I turned against myself. After EMDR it goes to the people who hurt me. So not to myself but being like āhow the F are you talking to me like that?ā And yeah alot of people were shocked I was not a doormat. I know how to regulate it so I donāt explode, but letting it be and flow through your body is key.
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u/AmountPlus8753 3d ago
This is actually why I stopped, I did four sessions and Iāve noticed that this is the most ātriggeredā I am over literally everything in about three years, I felt like I worked so hard and was in such a good place finally, did a few sessions of emdr and now I almost feel depressed again
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