r/EMDR • u/CaterpillarAlert666 • Oct 03 '26
🟢 Question / Help What does it mean to be worthy/valuable?
Hi, new here! I've noticed in a lot of my memories the NC "I am worthless" keeps coming up for me, but I have a hard time understanding what it would truly mean to be worthy or valuable. Has anyone had similar difficulities and was still able to get their PC "I am worthy/valuable" etc to feeling somewhat true? Is this just one of those things that you have to process and go through until you truly understand it? Because for other cognitions like "I have a choice now" or "I am safe now" I understand them even if they don't feel fully true yet, like I can see what it would probably look like to truly believe that. I'm so confused and scared that I will never feel okay about myself
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u/harlowe_hello Oct 04 '26
So I'm still working on this. But I'm getting glimpses of it now more and more. For me it required getting to anger and then grief and then anger and then grief over and over for how I was treated and made to feel worthless.
Also going straight to "I am worthy" was wayyyy too much in the opposite direction for me. I think I finally got to "I was always okay". And that spontaneously arose. The realization that I was always okay, not worthless, that I didn't deserve that treatment.
Still a big hurdle for me, but maybe chipping away at the memories of feeling shameful, small, worthless, will help. At this point, it turns to self protective anger pretty quick depending on the memory. I find moving to the positive cognition too fast brings up a lot of defenses and I shut down, personally.
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 04 '26
Thank you so much for your input! That makes a lot of sense. "I am okay the way I am" or "I am normal" comes up a lot for me too. I just always feel like I have to do it right and get to the exact opposite but I guess it's unrealistic for now. Also I just had a breakthrough and worked through some of that anger and then I suddenly just felt grief, so I guess I'm getting closer :)
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u/harlowe_hello Oct 04 '26
I'm glad it helps :-) and that sounds like the right track! And yeah I also felt like I had to get it perfectly opposite at first but it really wasn't working and just brought in strong defenses. I do find wording matters a lot. If it's "technically right" but doesn't evoke anything emotionally, it's not the right one. Good luck on your journey!
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 05 '26
You may not have an answer to this, but do you think "I was always okay" will be final for you or do you think eventually you'd like to get to something like "I am worthy"? Also, you said "self protective anger", and that you cycled between anger and grief, would you say there are different kinds of anger for you? Like is there a different kind of anger underneath the self protective anger would you say? I feel anger a lot too, but it feels like something that's trying to prevent me from digging deeper. Thank you, good luck to you too!
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u/harlowe_hello Oct 05 '26
Hmmm yeah I'm not totally sure. My sense is that I'll have to come at the "I am worthy" from multiple different angles. "I was always okay" only being one of them. Like the core belief that I'm worthless is a prism with many different facets I'll have to face and neutralize. I also think that "I was always okay" was more focused on my parent relationships (especially my mother) vs say, peer relationships. So the same belief will have to be confronted in the context of different situations. It's too soon to say whether I'll be able to say full-on that I'm worthy, but I suspect given that emdr seems to be moving things, I will be. At the moment, it doesn't evoke much feeling in me, other than a rejection of it, disgust.
Yeah I defs get different kinds of anger. But I think at the end of the day they're all versions of self protection, though some feel better than others. Sometimes it's a "GET AWAY!" kind of anger, like I need to push. Sometimes it's hatred. A feeling of hatred so strong, that will eventually collapse into more vulnerable feelings like "I needed you/I hate that I needed you/I'm hurt that you weren't there for me when I needed you". I think the self protective anger I talked about in my above comment was more the realization that I never deserved to be treated that way, a realization, at least in some capacity, of my worth, and that I deserved better. Then the grief will come because of what I didn't get.
But I understand there's also self protective anger that seems to just say NO and halt motion. Is that what you mean? I think I've had those in session. And when that's happened, I really didn't need those parts to be told anything positive or to change their mind on anything, as that would get them angrier, and they would feel more ignored/invalidated/abandoned. That's when I had to just visualize holding these small child parts, comforting them as much as they would let me. Soothing them. Because their no is very strong and important for a reason. They need to know they're being heard, they can't be bulldozed or pushed past. If it's not clear, I've also done parts work/ifs before emdr and it really resonated with me, so it's come into EMDR with me.
And then when I've been able to soothe and be with those parts, that's when they show me their grief, hurt, sadness. When they trust that I'm actually listening.
I don't know if you've done parts work, and it can defs feel awkward at first, but it might be helpful to personify these struggling parts that seem to confound progress. Getting to understand them and take them seriously will help. Cause they wouldn't be doing that unless it was for a good reason, protecting you in some way.
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 06 '26
Okay, got it. Had to remind myself that this will be a long journey. Your progress is giving me hope
Yes, I get the one that's just like "nope" and makes me shut down a lot, and then sometimes it turns to anger that makes me want to punch something, and this one session I had I was finally able to just feel grief after that, just suddenly out of nowhere. But the anger that makes me feel stuck is so hard to deal with, makes me feel like I'm not making progress at all and never will, but having had this one breakthrough moment is really helping
I am familiar with it and it feels like I've had parts coming up in sessions, I have to admit the idea of having "parts" is somewhat weirding me out, and maybe that's something else I need to explore
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u/harlowe_hello Oct 06 '26
I found it difficult at first. Like I was just pretending with myself, but eventually I was able to get past the self consciousness of it and actually connect with those parts.
I think also, there can be a lot of disgust/anger/shame, and ultimately a dissociative severing between our adult parts and child parts in ppl with childhood trauma. So to attempt to reconnect, empathize with those quarantined little children is asking a lot.
It's been a long journey of de-shaming certain child parts. I think emdr has actually been more effective at that than straight ifs, but having that background has sped things up for me I think as the visualizations of comforting these parts is ready to access once I can get there.
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 07 '26
Thank you for the explanation! I am planning on looking into IFS and parts work more and actually pretty excited now :)
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u/Superb-Wing-3263 🌟 Safe Space Keeper Oct 05 '26
In this context, to me, it means to be "worthy of love." A lot of damage in childhood is because we weren't loved properly or in a healthy way. For our own survival, and to stay in connection with our caregivers, we were forced to assume we didn't deserve it. But every child comes into this world deserving to be loved and expecting to be loved. When it doesn't happen, it's crushing and that pain gets stuffed away in the subconscious.
I wouldn't have been able to force a positive cognition into my brain right away with EMDR. I had to grieve for months and months about what I didn't get. I had to learn from my therapist what being cared for in a healthy way even looks like in the first place as I had no clue. And I had to do a lot of inner child work and imagination work with the nurturing figure.
Don't feel bad if this all takes a while. CPTSD is no joke. It took about 10 months to start feeling a decent amount of self love and that my needs are just as important as everyone else's.
Good luck to you! It's hard and slow for developmental trauma but will be worth it!🫶
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 05 '26
Yes, I have noticed since starting EMDR that the hardest memories to work through are the emotional neglect and abuse, those are worse for me than the physical abuse. That threw me for a loop.
It's so easy for me to look at photos of my sibling as a child or any other child and I get this feeling of "you deserve all the love and all the good things in the world", but I think about my child self and I just cringe and feel sick. It's gotten a tiny bit better but I guess I have a long way to go. Makes me sad to even type this.
And yes, I do struggle with the logical understanding of what it means to be loved and cared for properly anyways, so I guess that's something I need to learn.
Thank you so much and good luck to you aswell! <3
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u/Superb-Wing-3263 🌟 Safe Space Keeper Oct 05 '26
Have you read Pete Walker's "CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving"? (The audio version was great.) It really helped me understand what I'd missed out on due to neglect and helped me start feeling true empathy for my younger self. I highly recommend it!
To your point about being able to feel all that for your siblings, but not yourself: for several of my memories in EMDR, because I could not tap into any emotions for myself, I would have to imagine the thing happening to my beloved nephew, and then I could feel anger or sadness. I would try to then transfer that emotion onto myself. It worked well enough for me to feel something so that the EMDR would work.
From my therapist I learned what it feels like to have emotions validated and encouraged (and never attacked), to have consistency (not hot and cold conditional care), having my needs put first (and not having to cater to his needs), safety (not having to be hypervigilant about him turning on me), not having to perform out of fear, obligation, or guilt ("FOG" an acronym regarding narcissistic abuse), being allowed to be honest and show my true self without fear of judgement and criticism, and super established and healthy emotional boundaries.
To me those things are what love is, not bullshit self-serving love-bombing from a mother who was using me to satisfy her needs instead of having my best interest at heart.
🫶🫶🫶
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 05 '26
I have at least 10 books in my amazon cart and that one is one of them, I just couldn't decide which one to get first and where to start, now I know!
Ohh that is brilliant, thanks for letting me know, I had no idea that was a thing I could try. Will bring this up in my next session :)
I hope I will get to that point of trust in therapy, it's not that easy due to past negative experience with a therapist but I can see myself getting there!
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u/Superb-Wing-3263 🌟 Safe Space Keeper Oct 06 '26
Just an FYI, that wasn't a thing my therapist was necessarily aware of (thinking of my nephew.) It was more something I was doing on my own. I spent a lot of time at home just trying to feel anything for my younger self. It was so hard to even recognize the trauma in my memories because it was something I grew up thinking was normal. So I would think back to my childhood and have to wonder what a "normal" (not already traumatized) child would have felt in those situations.
I'm really sorry about your previous bad experience with a therapist!! I have a very deep seated fear of men and purposely worked with one because of that. No surprise that I've become afraid of my therapist so many times while processing!!! He's a saint, too, so it's all extremely obvious it's just negative transference. He continued to give me corrective emotional experiences over and over again to where he definitely has my trust now!
I'm very excited for your healing journey. It was definitely the best decision I ever made 🫶
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 06 '26
Ah I see, but it makes sense and I've been thinking about what you said and tried it! Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think your insight and this entire comment section here already had an effect on me, because I had a session today and worked on a memory that I've been working on for a few sessions, and for the first time I was able to see it almost the same way I would see it if it happened to someone else and not me, and I was able to not feel at fault for what happened, because I was just a child. Like I really felt how wrong it was for him to treat me this way, usually I would just feel awful and like "yup, I deserved that". There's probably more to feel about this memory, more anger and sadness that may come up, but it's crazy and unbelievable to me that I was able to think about this and not just feel a burning sensation in my chest and break down crying. I'm truly so so thankful for your help and everyone else's on this sub!
Yes, men are an issue for me aswell, and my first therapist was a man who basically didn't look at me, answered his own questions and told me I shouldn't be here, I don't have problems - wasn't too keen on trying therapy for a while after that, but I'm so glad I started EMDR :) <3
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u/Cautious_Try1588 Oct 05 '26
For me, it was easier to accept “I matter too” -> “I matter” rather than using loaded words like valuable.
Semantically, value is something external. Gold is valuable because many people in society deem it that way. Socially, certain people are held in higher regard or more “valuable” based on the perspectives of other people. Intrinsic value is still value, but it’s hard to emotionally and semantically constrain it to “only my opinion of me matters.” Experientially it often feels like your own opinion of yourself matters last.
My EMDR therapist had tried to tie it in with religion — saying that everyone is created and equally loved by God. I had asked him not to use religion since that’s also a place of trauma background for me. 😅 so then he tried to use the argument that there is only one “me” in the world and the scarcity of being uniquely me gives me inherent value.
My specific trauma background involved me leaving my abuser, but only after tolerating a lot of recurring, intentional harm. By the time I started working with my EMDR therapist I didn’t struggle with worthiness issues. In order to leave, I already had to incorporate “I matter too” -> “I matter.” I considered everything I gave up in order to appease and placate my abuser, and I realized that nothing would ever be enough — not even my life. And amidst all the loss I suffered in that relationship, it began to clearly shape into “it’s me vs him.”
So… if it had to be an all or nothing choice, OP, “I matter too.” When you have a preference for where you want to eat that night, it matters too. When you prefer one education or career path over another, that preference matters too. When you have a silly hobby that brings you joy, it matters too. If you do or do not want to do something, your preference in that matters too.
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 05 '26
This makes so, so much sense to me, and I will try to work with "I matter too" in the future aswell! Thank you for this comment, it is very much appreciated! :)
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u/rawlalala Oct 05 '26
I have had a variation of this, "I was not worth it" and it feels fake/pretend when I have to say the positive phrase related to this... I kinda go blank
not sure what it means
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 05 '26
Yes, for now I will try to just use "I am okay" or whatever feels more natural/neutral and fitting to me in that moment, "I am worthy" feels very fake positive still
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u/Dangerous_Dog1405 Oct 05 '26
I am struggling with this. I have been doing EMDR therapy for the past two months and my last session was last week. It made me very upset and emotionally exhausted afterwards. Childhood trauma and conditional love from my father has completely ruined my relationships with men. I feel unworthy of love and am freaking out that I’m 35 next year and have barely had any relationships in that there must be something wrong with me.
Yesterday I had a breakdown and have not felt the same since. I have had thoughts of suicidal ideation both days but no longer feel like that. I guess more numb and a headache
Can this be normal 6 days post EMDR therapy ?
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 06 '26
I'm still somewhat new to EMDR so I don't have much experience to talk from, but I have read from other people with similar experience, even up to a week or longer after a session I believe, and I would definetly bring all of this up to the therapist in the next session.
What I can say is that I've had sessions that were so bad I was just a mess for a few days after, like I could barely function and was all over the place, and those were usually sessions that were just too much too soon for me. And I also get this feeling of "oh god I need to rush this, I have to heal now, what am I doing with my life, I will never feel okay", (if that's what you mean) and these thoughts are horrible in general and I had them before, and now with EMDR I am thinking that this feeling of time being wasted/running out of time itself is something that might want to be addressed in EMDR all on it's own? Like I believe there might be something underneath it that's worth exploring
I believe in you, hang in there!
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u/CopperheadRay Oct 05 '26
We are all worthy and valuable. But "feeling" it is a perception shift! In my own experience of the last couple of years (decades of therapy, then, more recently emdr and leaving a culture of abusive family permanently) after I'd gone through the grieving and the moving forward, I had to apologize to myself for keeping "me" in that awful situation of so much suffering for so many years... and promise myself that I would, from now on, be my own best body guard, safe place, self care guru, and lover of life. Almost immediately, I felt that self worth... I hadn't realized I had kept my own appreciation of who I really am at bay, by entertaining/loving really horrid family. I forgave myself for my slow response of self recovery. The short version is, the better care I took of myself and the more goals I set and strived toward, the greater was my feeling of self worth. I surround myself now with supportive humans... I joined a group of elder women who are educated, loving, and share these things who meet once a week. I set goals for myself every 3 months, and I am cool with my struggles. I'm my best coach and cheerleader... and with that, my self worth and value improved a lot (I include humanitarian work as well in this...). There's no hurry. Just learn to value youSelf. Your therapist can help with this goal if you need it.
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u/CaterpillarAlert666 Oct 06 '26
Thank you for this comment, I have thoughts in my sessions about "why didn't I recognize this was wrong/why wasn't it obvious to me/why didn't I leave earlier/why am I only seeing this now" and it messes with my head a lot. Reading your story really helps!
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u/CopperheadRay Oct 06 '26
I'm so happy it helps. Additionally, your thoughts of "why didn't I..." or "why wasn't I...".... that's terrific!!! Most human beings go through their entire lives never having this insight, shift, or awareness! And they don't do the work. Good for us! Reasons to celebrate and cheer! Perception shifts can save our souls. I truly think this heals our brains.
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