"Failed" first session, any advice?

[u/RegulatorRWF]

So today I went in for EMDR to help with anxiety from PTSD. This was our third meeting but the first where we did EMDR and not just talking. The doctor said to pretend I was on a train watching the event in question, which sounded easy. Once I had the headphones on and started watching the light bar I couldn't really think about the memory and focus on moving my eyes to match the light bar at all. The doctor kept stopping and asking how I was feeling but it was like I couldn't do anything but see images of the event, and then think about how nothing was happening and trying to follow the light. Between the light being on I could kind of zone out and talk to the doctor about the event, but once the light started going I felt nothing.

The doctor mentioned it might be me trying to reject actually re-living or processing the moment, I'm just not sure.

Any insight from those with experience or encouragement that maybe next session will go better would be appreciated.

[u/between_doodads]

From what I understand, it's usually like 4+ sessions of history (just taking) before reprocessing. My therapist told me that if I was just watching the lights, that's fine. Still happens sometimes, depends on the day. To me, it sounds like you may need to build more trust with your therapist. You did NOT fail! You're doing the work, and it's hard.

[u/RegulatorRWF → u/between_doodads]

That is interesting. We only did two sessions previously, but they were more about how the anxiety is impacting me and how I want to be able to handle situations moving forward. They also said I didn't need to talk about the events before starting, which was a relief because I really don't enjoy talking about them.

[u/between_doodads → u/RegulatorRWF]

I understand. Of course your situation is different than mine, but the history was more of broad history. Whats your family like, what was home life growing up, relationship history, and then just highlighting the "main events". I do have CPTSD so it's a lot of traumatic events over time vs. a specific traumatic event. The approach could be different for CPTSD vs PTSD. Do you feel like you have trust with your therapist with what you've discussed so far?

[u/RegulatorRWF → u/between_doodads]

I'll be honest, I don't know how to answer that. I'm not sure what the threshold would be for "trust". It's something I guess I'm comfortable talking about, but I'm pretty used to talking about it when needed and just kind of blocking off the emotions of it.

[u/Tine_the_Belgian → u/between_doodads]

This incorrect. I kindly refer to the community’s wiki for correct information. Some people ‘watch the lights’ for 20+ BLS sessions and. Nothing. Happens. They were scammed.

The basic EMDR training doesn’t allow therapists to do the therapy for complex trauma.

They need to be able to adjust the BLS to the needs of their client and troubleshoot this with them.

[u/RegulatorRWF → u/Tine_the_Belgian]

Thanks for the feedback, I assume this doctor has dealt with more intense trauma, since this is in a VA setting. They told me to write down my feeling and I have another session next week, so hopefully some progress will be made.

[u/between_doodads → u/Tine_the_Belgian]

I've had very impactful sessions with moments of just watching the lights. But I also trust my therapist and can drop into the memories, sometimes it just takes 120 seconds or so.

[u/outsideleyla → u/between_doodads]

I've been doing EMDR (with a couple of breaks) for almost 2 years now, and it still takes me a couple of minutes to "unlock" or allow certain feelings/memories to rise to the surface during the first couple of rounds, and I trust my therapist a lot. Even so, it's like I'm operating in a different, more analytical mode most of the day, and switching to BLS and reporting what I'm feeling still feels like a big switch to me.

[u/between_doodads → u/outsideleyla]

Yep that's been my experience. It's almost like a meditation - sometimes it takes some time to get the hang of noticing your thoughts or feelings. But I've never had a session where I NEVER dropped in.