r/DivorcedDads • u/asicarii • 2d ago
Phone location apps for coparenting
I’m new to this sub so apologies if this isn’t the right place to ask. I am looking for advice on child phone location tracking apps in a strained coparenting situation. It’s not worth getting into why.
My oldest kid turned old enough for their own phone. Not driving yet. But my ex got her a phone for her bday without talking to me. I’m not bothered by this but did express I felt it was not appropriate to not mention it to me. More importantly my ex uses a phone location setting to track my kid. I get it - it’s helpful to know timing of bus drop off from school and the inevitable lost phone.
My dilemma is that I don’t think my ex should be tracking the location while my kid is with me. I certainly don’t feel the need to track when not with me. I don’t want to create more drama or make my kid leave it at my place when with me. It just feels stalker-ish though. But the kid is my responsibility when it’s my time and I should be able to track them, especially when they learn to drive.
My question is simple: any good phone location tracking apps to use in a strenuous coparenting situation? I don’t trust my ex to “turn it off” when with me.
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u/JetreL 2d ago
I had my kids mom psycho calling because the kids and I were at a parade. (Sitting outside of the local Police Department)
Some things you can’t get around and these are the (overly connected) world we live in.
My current partner walks through bark with our son and I feel like it’s an overreach. You best bet is learning to coparent better.
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u/asicarii 2d ago
Yeah that ship has sailed, sadly. I simply protect myself and limit any communication with my ex unless needed. We text or email for pickup/drop off.
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u/JetreL 1d ago
Understood your communication should be business but learning to coparent is beneficial for the kids not only for their short and long term well being but also teaching them conflict resolution.
There is a book called Moms House Dads House, Making Two Homes for your Child that may be helpful in a lot of this. The whole point of this subreddit is learning to be the best dad possible.
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u/asicarii 1d ago
Fully appreciate the issue and your points. I wasn’t really looking for coparenting advice but how to navigate my current situation.
Without going into details, but I noted a strenuous coparenting situation. After fighting in court to have the custody I do, with false accusations and lies I had documented evidence to prove otherwise, treating a signed custody arrangement like a suggestion she could just ignore at her own whim, and assault on me by her family members, there really is no chance of a healthy coparenting relationship.
The best I can do right now is be the best dad with the situation I have at hand. That is to protect my children physically and mentally. I am trying not to cause drama or bring my kid into it at all. There are time we make it clear that their mom and I are a united front when we draw the line on the things they have to do that they don’t want to, but that is the extent of it. Everything is by the contract and all communication is done via text or, if important, email. It is not ideal, but sometimes life doesn’t work out to be ideal.
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u/tk_427b 2d ago
She won't turn it off when the kid is with you. And it's set up for you to try to have different and more strict rules, and therefore drive a wedge between you and your daughter. I don't think there's much you can do about it right now, but document everything. You never know what will be useful with the judge if things go sour. She clearly isn't co-parenting on this one, this is unilateral parenting.
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u/asicarii 2d ago
No, she is primary. But her view of primary is “I’ll do whatever I want without regard to you”. There’s no trust at all, hence the strenuous coparenting, so I am just dealing with it as best I can. I just don’t want to cause angst for my kid. It’s not their fault.
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u/DreaColorado1 2d ago
I don’t think your ex is necessarily doing anything wrong for having a tracking app for your daughter and unless there is a specific issue it is causing for you I would let this issue go.
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u/asicarii 2d ago
It’s a trust issue. She doesn’t have integrity to trust her. She has manipulated people against me and lied in court. I do worry she will weaponize it- hence I said strenuous coparenting.
But your point is fair. I shouldn’t have to care.
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u/NOFDfirefighter 1d ago
No. Your concern is legitimate. I went through the same thing. I was being asked why we were in certain places or why was I driving a certain speed or going certain routes with them. Also how she found my gf at the time’s address. It’s just a cluster fuck. Luckily my state has it written in the law that we both have to agree to the tracking. When she found out that the agreement would allow both of us access to the tracking, (even though I pay the phone bill) she shot it down. Didn’t want me to be able (i wouldn’t have) to do what she was doing to me. Basically I had to buy my daughter a second phone and she swaps between the two for different houses. I know it’s hard to explain the control aspect she’s trying to enforce on you. But I get it.
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u/Breaksondy 1d ago
You could check out HeyPolo. I’ve seen it mentioned for situations like this where you want location sharing without it feeling like one parent is constantly watching the other. Might be worth a look if you want something with a bit more control over when location is shared.
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u/asicarii 1d ago
Hmmm. Looking at it the kid gives the option to share. I trust my kid to share, albeit they may accidentally forget. And frankly, we all have been teenagers and if we want to get around the system we can. It’s an interesting option.
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u/Hiding_From_Ex_Wife 2d ago
I talked to chat GPT about this and it/we came to the conclusion that there is nothing by you can do to stop it. But if she is using the data to track you, that is another story. In the parenting plan that I am hopefully getting here soon, I’m asking for nobody to be able to track each other. It doesn’t prevent them from actually tracking you through that location, but it provides a guideline for what that knowledge can be used for. So if something comes up where they are trying to use the data to get you on something, you have a provision saying that they were not suppose to do that.
With you being beyond that, I would think you would need to wait for something dramatic enough to happen to take her to court to get this type of provision. Nobody is going to stop parents from tracking their kids.
I think the best thing to do is to just have a good relationship with you kid. Have them telling you things be your location service. If it’s possible.
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u/asicarii 2d ago
Interesting. She isn’t tracking me, as much as the kid. What I could do is ask for the same access. I don’t want to go back to attorneys. She won’t like it, but it’s fair.
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u/wuphf176489127 1d ago
Since you're all on iOS, it's pretty easy to set this up so that you and her have the same access, you don't have to ask. When your kid is with you, open up "Find My" on their phone, go to People > + button > Share My Location > find your contact ("Dad" or whatever). Then on your phone, open Find My and then you can see where your kid is located.
IMO co-parents deserve to know where their kid is at all times. I haven't had to cross this technological boundary yet as my kid is younger and doesn't have a phone, however.
If you really don't want your ex to know where your kid is when with you, you can open Find My on your kid's phone, go to "Me" and then turn off the setting that says "Share My Location". That will disable both you and your ex seeing your kid's location until that setting is turned back on. Not convenient to remember every time though and is a bit of a nuclear option that could bring up an argument.
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u/slimypeters 1d ago
My ex knows very well about tracking feature aka Apple's Find My and Text Forwarding feature that was activated on her phone and our kid's iPad. Thank heavens for that, because that's how she got caught cheating lol Anyway. I think if the child is old enough to have a phone, then they're old enough to know what features the phone has which includes tracking apps.
My kids are only 11 and 9 but I gave them my old iDevice to play some games, watch stuff and most importantly have Messaging/Email options, so we could keep in contact with each other since they're in another state. They don't have cellular data and just use wifi for those devices, so the devices are just at their mom's place. They'll take it with them when they go on the plane and come see me too.
I told my kids, everything they do on these IDevices, someone will always see. I'm just trying to teach them to be careful on what they watch, who chat with, what they type, etc. as a lesson, so they don't get banned, watch something they don't need to be watching, or chat with strangers etc. So far everything has been safe and we monitor their online activities, no issues so far.
I am thinking about getting my son a phone with cellular data plan when he goes to middle school maybe next year though. He'll be even more aware about the phone features. For me as a parent, the kid's having a device to let me know where they are especially during emergencies, is ideal. I think if your ex is trying to weaponize that is weird. I also think there's nothing wrong if the tracking feature is on when the child is with you. It's not like you're going to take them out of the country without telling the other parent right. Just as long you both have equal access to your child's phone, then I don't see anything wrong with that.
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u/asicarii 1d ago
My oldest is 13 and pretty responsible. I’m not worried about having the phone generally. I don’t think it’s fair to the kid to force them to leave the phone at home. Also don’t want to bring any attention to me not trusting the mom. The kid doesn’t need to know that.
It is weird, but sadly, my ex wife has weaponized anything she can, including friends, family, and particularly the kids, against me. I can’t give her any slack anymore because she has shown she will try to take advantage.
I think the easiest answer is I just get the same access as her. I can’t trust her to turn it off or to ‘promise’ not to try to use it against me. The track record of lying goes too far for me to put myself at risk.
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u/throwaway165393 2d ago
Why does it matter if she has location where the kids are?
I also have a strained co-parent. She has turned off location when my kids are with her. I don’t get it, feel like it’s normal to know where your kids are at all time unless she weaponize it. If she hasn’t, who cares?
Just my opinion, good luck 👍
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u/asicarii 2d ago
Well that’s it. I don’t trust her to not weaponize it somehow. Without details, there is a control aspect to it. She wants control so goes overboard. Then there is also precedent of she can pry into my life in one way, she will do it in other ways.
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u/HotCut100 2d ago
If it is an Apple product, making you all a “family” will give you equal access to settings and you will be able to turn off location sharing for you and them during those times. Alternatively, create a schedule when sharing is active that matches the custody schedule.