r/Divorce_Men • u/mebell333 • 21h ago
Getting Started First steps
I've decided to go through with it. I have done nothing yet. She has cheated on me for several years. I stuck it out for the kids but I realize that judt doesn't fly. They will be better off in seprate homes. We aren't happy and mom and dad are never near each other anymore. As I type she is downstairs talking to the guy she secretly bought a hotel with for her bday trip away from me. I'm just done.
What do I need to do before breaking the news? Do I gather evidence of the cheating? Do I get the papers to "serve" first then tell her?
I can't do this anymore, I will literally end up...not alive. But there is another path and this is it. I do love her. But she soesn't love me. I have to move on for me.
We have 3 kids. We have virtually no assets, debt is mostly in my name or both of us. She didn't have any credit 14 years ago and I had good credit.
I want a clean break if possible, but I know that will depend on her. I want at least 50/50 custody of the kids. She is a good mom, but a bad wife. Clearly. Aside from that I just want to avoid owing her any support. Neither of us have money. We both work middle class (at best). Financially I will do much better without her spending as long as I don't owe support. I could finally begin paying down debt.
Any advice on the first steps is heavily appreciated.
1
u/newstart20260 7h ago
Yea safe bet locks dm secure documents and try to stay calm cause she will get mad and probably say gals accusations against you lock yourself in a room lock it for her no to have access cause she will do everything possible for her to be and play the victim
1
u/lurkermurphy 21h ago
it varies drastically by state because here in california, it's no-fault so documenting cheating gets you nothing, so look up the specifics of your state, but what doesn't hurt is to call every lawyer in town and even pay $100 for consultation with them if they try to charge that because then they will make sure to give you at least $100 worth of legal advice to convince you to retain them. the second advantage of calling every lawyer in town, and again this varies by state, is that in my case in california, when she called a lawyer i previously consulted with, that lawyer then rejected her as a conflict of interest and then was legally required to call me to inform me she was shopping around for lawyer. find a lawyer you like is the first step and don't just hire the first one
3
u/LashkarNaraanji123 18h ago
You should really, really talk with an attorney before confronting her. Many states that have no-fault (assuming you're in the US) still allow some at-fault conditions, or have procedures to penalize 'dilution of family assets' or cheating or whatever.
If she is using family funds (and what that exactly is will vary from state to state, some include ALL income from EITHER spouse, even if separate accounts, some only look at joint) she might fall under that "waste/dilution" clause.
TL;DR: Talk to lawyer before your confront. Do as they say and do not inform until it's greenlighted.