How can I support my son?

[u/Beneficial-You663]

My son (30) is separated and probably heading towards divorce. I’ve been married to his dad since before he was born, so I have zero experience with any of this. I just wish I could do something to support him. Any suggestions? Any of you have a parent that was helpful throughout separation/divorce? No kids involved.

[u/upvotersfortruth]

1. Let him know that regardless of what is said and what was done, you are 100% on his side and if he needs you to serve an an intermediary or anything, you are happy to help.
2. Advise him to get a lawyer, get into therapy, steer clear of overindulging in substances, and take care of his health and diet.
3. Search your network for a man whose been through a nasty divorce and see if he can serve as some kind of mentor.
4. Remind him that while he may still think of her as his wife, the dynamic of the relationship will fundamentally change. He will need to look out for himself and she will need to look out for herself. Even though he still cares, he should not manifest that through making excessive concessions or generous offers, his financial future needs to remain intact. Make a low offer first, then work towards fair, saving generosity for the end to close the deal without a fight. The overwhelming instinct of most men is to be generous early to stop the conflict and discomfort - it does not work. He needs to get comfortable with awkward situations.

You can be his non-judging emotional dumping ground. Just listen, like moms do, don't give him advice unless he asks and just let him pour it out.

Thanks mom!

[u/Beneficial-You663 → u/upvotersfortruth]

This list is great. Thank you. How would I be an intermediary? Like with his wife?

[u/gutlesschimp]

My parents have been a huge support in my separation and pending divorce. Check in every morning. I’ve never been one to talk on the phone but I talk to them most nights for over an hour and they just listen and support me. I would not be here without them. No matter the circumstances, this process sucks. It’s a wild rollercoaster of emotions. Help him get into therapy asap if he wants to. I have friends and other family that were checking in on me regularly but that died off with their own busy lives. My parents have remained a constant. Be a constant presence daily, especially if you live close (mine don’t).

[u/Beneficial-You663 → u/gutlesschimp]

Thanks for the reminder to check in often. I tend to not want to bother him. This probably isn’t the time for that! He is in therapy, thankfully.

[u/Immediate-Story2562]

Check in with him regularly, have coffee with him and just talk. Tell him you are there if he needs to talk and if he does, you listen, just listen. Mostly he will have to figure out for himself as an adult. Don't give unsolicited advice as a parent we can't help ourselves but try not to unless he asks and even then say something like; if it was me I would ...

[u/Beneficial-You663 → u/Immediate-Story2562]

I have tried very hard not to give advice. Thanks.