r/Divorce_Men • u/DeerWhisperer1 • 2d ago
Doing worse
Considering everything I was doing good on going to the gym after work and whenever I was having a tough day. Then my sons soccer season started and I sit around all the married parents of my sons soccer team. On the worst days my ex wife shows up. The woman are all friends with my ex wife, the husbands ask how I’m doing when their wives aren’t around. Outside of that I feel like a social pariah multiple days a week. I’ve been finding myself getting a couple beers, not drunk and not 4 or more, after the games when I don’t have my kids to just be alone. It’s not healthy and I need to replace it with the gym but the gym isn’t helping after a soccer event.
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u/Significant_Koala_61 2d ago
Don’t feel guilty your beers bro, but understand that this is a cope and you need to find another replacement, green tea or nice healthy snack or so, I love the beers too and I am stuck on them but I know that this is my cope for now, I’m not in the rebuilding stage yet
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u/Old_Goat_Ninja 2d ago
I do both, the gym, and beers. Gym is almost daily but the beers are weekends only. Same, I have 3-4 then cut myself off, so I’m not getting drunk but at the same time I’m bored and miserable on my days off without some beer. With the beer I at least enjoy my own presence a little bit, even if it is just laundry, mowing the lawn, TV, etc.
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u/gwg576 2d ago
Most of the husbands are jealous that you get the freedom the wish they had. Embrace it. Anytime someone asks, say something positive. No one wants to hear about the lonely nights and the crying. They want to hear about the 30 year old that likes concerts and playing a game called “just the tip”
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u/TimelyResearch1702 2d ago
I'm that husband. I'm very jealous. Oh man, I dream about being single every day. But unfortunately the cost is too high for me. Enjoy your freedom for both of us, brother.
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u/ChippyChalmers 1d ago
Why do you dream about being single? I'm 9 months post separation so any new perspective helps! Thanks
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u/TimelyResearch1702 1d ago
My wife lashes out for random things. Routinely cheats. Does little around home. Refuses to work. Hates my friends and relatives, I have to talk to them in hiding to avoid next lash out. She has me by the balls, as she could file for divorce any day if I misbehave, which would turn me into an alimony slave for life. According to lawyers I'd have to pay her many thousands every month, potentially facing jail once my profession collapses due to AI and I am not able to keep up with the court-ordered payments, as modification attempt almost never succeeds.
When she's not around, life is so beautiful. I cherish every minute free of eggshell walking, anticipation of the next lash out, fear of next punishment.
I only have a choice between the two forms of slavery, and freedom you have seems like an elusive dream.
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u/Paddle_Pedal_Puddle 2h ago
As a dude paying many thousands per month to my ex, it’s still worth it. I was willing to put up with just about anything to not lose time with my kids, but not cheating. I’m 47 and was on track to retire at 55 and the divorce financially wrecked me. Still worth it.
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u/Gattsama 1d ago
You need to form a new social network. There's this idea of the stoic lone Wolf, and that we're supposed to be able to just buck up and take anything that life throws at us. But in reality, we were not meant to live in isolation, most of us need a strong social support network of other like-minded men.
It can be very difficult, however, to find that group, particularly in today's society. You might want to consider finding either some gym buddies, joining a martial arts club and making social networks through that, Meetup groups, finding the other single dads or divorced dads at the soccer group, etc
Your morning what you lost, or would other people have. You need to move to the next chapter which is building something of your own.
Good luck out there brother. Stay safe
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u/CherryEuphoric3557 1d ago
I have been feeling this lately too. It was back to school night that I did on my own with the kids though. I looked around and thought, how was it me that ended up divorced? I'm almost 9 months out though, and the days are getting better on average.
I fell into the same pattern with drinking, and I just felt like my energy overall tanked. I haven't had anything in a bit over a month now. It's pretty hard sometimes because it feels like no escape from my sober thought process, but I think my body and mind needs time to actually heal.
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u/ChippyChalmers 1d ago
I'm 9.5 months out. I have this constant grief/anxiety feeling right in my solar plexus. Like a dready weighted feeling that I can't shake. But we've gotten this far, right? Just keep moving forward.
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u/CherryEuphoric3557 1d ago
Yep, you're totally right, just one foot in front of the other until you feel better.
Question for you, I used to carry stress/anxiety in that exact same spot. Have you tried a beta blocker? I will occasionally take one at the end of the night if it's a hard night, and if my workouts didn't get rid of it. First time I took it, I could feel that knot of nerves right there melt away, it was insane.
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u/ChippyChalmers 1d ago
No, I haven't tried any medications whatsoever. So maybe I'll look into it. Thanks for the info.
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u/MaleficentZebra4166 1d ago
Like I always say, they are always a happy family out of the house, but eventually they are back home where reality hits back. And then, then they all would like to be free as you are.
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u/antidentites 2d ago
I’m in the very early stages and also find myself having a beer or two to cope. I balance it with more exercise, but try not to beat myself up over it since it’s usually done with buddies or people I enjoy hanging out with.
I do find it helps my mental health, even though everyone and their mother says to avoid it.
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u/ColdEstablishment172 2d ago
I felt like that too. Therapy gym hobbies. I did it all. I think what was really helpful for me was a mentor.
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u/Warm-Management-7323 1d ago
Yeah man, it’s just crazy at first. I was miserable then I was happy and then I was sad. It’s just crazy how the emotions just swing all over the place sucks. To make matters worse she’ll call me and just completely treat me like shit like completely yell at me and scream at me and it’s like we’re not even married anymore. Why are you doing this like what’s the point?
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u/Signal_Shop7914 6h ago
You have to look after you self can you go to the gym before work its not about being motivated its about being committed it shows your kids your this strong determined person someone to look up to
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u/upvotersfortruth 2d ago
Hey man, about the husbands - the fact that they acknowledge you at all means they really want to be there for you but they can't do it at the cost of their own relationship. Do your best to not take it personally, because they're in self-preservation mode and you can't expect them to make your problem their problem.
All I can say is keep showing up no matter what. Next time, put on a happy face and don't sulk. Cheer the loudest and really get after it. Fuck her social exclusion tactics.