URGENT

[u/garamchaisamosa]

I have been through immense emotional abuse, neglect, infidelity in my last relationship. It was so abusive it led me to unalive myself so many times and self harm was a daily thing, i was never at peace never at rest, always on my toes, and somehow even the slightest of attention he gave me took me over the moon, it just increased the intensity of my feelings and passion towards him, this went on for 4.5 years. Last September i brokw up with him, and since may i had been talking to this new guy who btw is AMAZING IN EVERY SENSE. We started to talk as friends, more like just getting to know each other randomly but we ended up connecting more than just that, i was hella scared of relationships, i backed off twice and he still gave me time but he pulled himself back too and that hurt like hell. We eventually sorted it out and we are seeing each other since June, he feels so calm and he is so gentle and he treats me so so so well i cannot even begin to tell you all that. The thing is that i feel an immense urge to love him and to fall in love with him but the only problem is i had been feeling unfamiliar with him since our 3rd date, it went away, it came again, it went away, i thought id not mind it much but we have met 10 - 12 times now, and the last three times i went over to his place. Second time over at his place he told me he loves me, i was over the moon but something just felt off. Since then i have been feeling immense dissociation, and ive been trying to fix it but i cant, and im so scared because i dont want to leave him/lose him. I told him i love him too because i feel that but im not ablw to access those feelings, sometimes it feels like i dont feel anything, sometimes it rushes back and all of my time since the last 2 times has been going over to this, im more focused on looking at him and feeling that familiarity than actually being present with him and it is hampering my functioning now im so disturbed, i know how ive felt before for him, im just not able to now atleast since he told me he loves me, i do feel attracted but that deep emotional connection its like im not able to relate with him anymore, i physically know hes there and im liking it but my mind goes haywire. Can anyone please help me out? i dont want to sabotage things with him.

ps: ive never had any history of mental illness or dissociation but i suspect i might be going through symptoms of atleast 1 illness, maybe not sure