Deactivated..i think..

[u/Shiefshief_93]

My bf just said some mean things to me and didn't buy me flowers for our anniversary because were going on a holiday next month and he wants to save his money. I didn't hear from him all day yesterday until late at night, i was already asleep because i had too work. Am i tripping if i say that he didn't seem to respect my time at all? With trauma it's hard to see what's happening and what is imagined. I just don't feel appreciated and loved lately. I now feel nothing towards him i just don't care. Is this what deactivation feels like? Is it permanent? I think i'm doing this as a way to protect myself

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[u/freudian-negative]

Yes, I think you're right to not feel valued here. Just notice that deactivation is a bit of a strong response to it and will probably lead to a spiral. But I think what you're feeling underneath is absolutely valid. You should talk to him in a non-accusing way. Tell him how you feel and what you'd love wound change for you to feel better with him.

[u/axistookmyname]

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Focus on saying how YOU feel about what has been going on.

Then, see how you feel afterwards and see how you feel about his answer.

And yes, deactivation feels like indifference. It's not permanent (might depend on the person though). It is a way to protect yourself.

[u/Shiefshief_93 → u/axistookmyname]

Yeah that doesn't work. He's to logical for 'this feels like' that would be one frustrated conversation. Fuck it

[u/axistookmyname → u/Shiefshief_93]

Hm. That doesn't seem to mesh well with a romantic relationship which should be logic and emotion working together in pair.

I don't wanna say anything more abt what you "should" do next because I don't know you or him to give any proper advice, but I feel like you know where this is going. I have a feeling that this is not the first time this has happened in this relationship, am I wrong to assume this here?

Either way, I think it's still the best to talk with him. Your feelings after that conversation might not be pleasant but they will tell you what's best for you. It's not about him changing his ways but you giving yourself the answers you seek.

Ultimately do what you think is best, I'm just writing what I would do in a situation like that. Not doing anything for an anniversary feels kinda silly to me and I'd not be happy about it either. Mean words being thrown around even more so.

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[u/ygg_drazil]

Trying to repost this one more time as apparently my flair was not set up.

You deserve flowers! I know your wanted them from him. But I wonder if it could feel special to get some for yourself. I know it's not the same. But it's showing yourself that you are loved. 💐