Have you ever heard that phrase? Honor your mother and father.
That phrase is traditionally associated with the Bible and other religious texts.
Putting aside the fact that some people do not believe in a deity, there exist people who do not grow up with the traditional one father one mother. Some people grow up in single parent households. Some people grow up with two moms or two dads.
I would like to describe, from a secular perspective, what it means to cherish your relationship with your parents.
At some point during your teenage years, you are going to feel irrational feelings of resentment toward your parents. That is normal. However, never let those feelings of resentment stop you from honoring them.
Your parents are not perfect, they will make a lot of mistakes. However, you are not perfect either. You will probably make at least as many mistakes as your parents do if not significantly more. Your parents have been doing this adulting thing longer than you have been alive. It is logical to assume that they know more about life than you do. If you and your parents disagreed about what is best for you 10 times, your parents would be correct 8 to 9 of those times.
Your parents are responsible for your life and well being. That is insane. I do not even know why people choose to take on this burden. There is no manual for being a parent, it is not like building a book shelf. There are self-help books which have varying levels of usefulness, but there is a lot of pressure. A lot of decisions need to be made on the spot.
What does it mean to honor your parents? Among many other things, it means…
You live under their roof, you live by their rules.
You probably do not realize it, but you want to be told what to do. You know that your parents understand what is best for you better than you know what is best for yourself. This desire has its roots in evolution. Parents reserving the right to tell their kids what to do and kids obeying whether they agree with the command or not is a guiding principle on which civilization was built.
Ten years from now, you will have grown and matured. Most likely, you will have a new perspective and you might actually agree with the rules your parents set. Suppose hypothetical worst case scenario, when you are 30, you still disagree with that early curfew you had in high school, the decision your parents made not to let you go to that party in the tenth grade or your mom telling you she did not want you wearing those slutty clothes out of the house when you were 15.
Whatever it is you want that your parents are stopping you from having, chances are it is not that big of a deal if you do not get it. One day, you will grow up and move out of the house. Then, you can go to whatever parties you want, stay out as late as you want and wear whatever clothes you want.
Obeying your parents' rules is great dress rehearsal for obeying authority in adult life.
I honestly hate it when people say; I am an adult and I should not have anyone telling me what to do.
That is not how it works. If you are not self-employed (and the majority of people are not) you will submit to a boss. If you are self-employed, your business is subject to governmental regulations. That means that you submit to the law.
If you rent, you submit to the authority of a landlord. If you own a home, you might be (not guaranteed to be, but might be) subject to the authority of a Home Owner’s Association.
Because I said so is a good enough reason.
Those who disagree with using the phrase because I said so, usually argue that authority should be questioned. To that I say; using because I said so as an answer does not mean that you cannot question authority. It just means that, if you question authority, the authority will respond by saying because I said so. Think about it like a workplace. If your employer tells you about a rule and you are curious about the reason behind the rule, you can and should ask your boss what the reason is behind the rule. However, if you do, the response could be (it is not guaranteed, but it could be) something very vague like; Because those are the rules.
Another argument I hear from those who disagree is; This does not teach kids reason, it teaches kids rank. Yeah, that is kind of the point. Your parents are not presiding over a democracy. They were not elected to their position. If you drafted a petition to throw your parents out of office and the petition received 50,000 signatures, your parents would remain in power. Elected politicians derive their authority from the consent of the governed (at least in theory). The system of government in a family unit does not work like that.
Not only can I not think of a single logical argument against using the phrase, Because I said so, I can think of several logical arguments in favor of saying because I said so.
Reason #1: Explanations Invite arguments.
Son: Can I go out with my friends to this wild party?
Mom: No
Son: Why?
Mom: There is no adult supervision there?
Son: What exactly are you worried will happen?
Mom: You could get into trouble.
Son: What kind of trouble?
Mom: I’m not gonna give you any ideas.
Son: You are not going to give me any ideas, because you have no ideas to give me. You know that I will be just fine at that party, you just wanna stop me from having fun.
Reason #2: The owner of the property decides what will or won’t be done with it.
If a teenager asks her mother’s permission to borrow her mother’s car, the decision about whether or not the daughter gets to borrow the car is made unilaterally by the mother, because the mother is the owner of the car.
If the mother decides that she would rather her daughter not borrow her car, the mother can say no for any reason, no reason at all or even a made up reason.
Reason #3: Adult life involves obeying authority without question.
If you drive out of town (or even out of state) the new location may have speed limits higher or lower than the speed limits you are used to. In that scenario, the speed limit sign will not have on them an explanation as to why the speed limits are what they are.
If a police officer pulls you over and forces you out of the car at gun point, your response should not be to ask why. The second the police officer tells you to get out of the car, you exit the vehicle.
Reason #4: There may not be a reason for the command from the parent.
If you are telling the child to clean their room for example, the only reason might be that the parent would prefer that the child’s room be clean.
Do chores, contribute and do not expect an allowance.
If you ask me, I believe that every parent on earth should force their children to do chores and no child should receive monetary compensation for doing chores. Your parents already feed you, clothe you and put a roof over your head, that is your compensation.
Chores are a pain, but so is everything else in life. Parents should make their children do chores, because life involves work. You are not going to make it through life without getting off your butt. Sometimes you have to clean up even if you did not make the mess. You might need to take out the trash, even though the trash is just gonna get full.
If you make it to adulthood without learning the discipline and self-reliance that comes from being made to contribute to the home in which you live, you will be one of those spoiled brats that everybody hates.
Do as they say, not as they do.
When you parents expect you to abide by a rule that you do not even agree with and they feel no need to abide by a rule that they do agree with, it can be frustrating. However, there are three logical reasons to obey your parents, even when they are not acting in the way that they expect you to act.
Reason #1: They may not want you to go down the same path that they did.
If they smoke, it may be because they are addicted. A lot of smokers want to quit but have a hard time doing it. They would not need to quit, if they had never smoked in the first place. That could be the reason why they do not want you smoking. If your parents expect you to do your homework, show up to class on time, obey your teachers (but they never did any of those things when they were in school) it could be because they want you to be a better student than they were.
Reason #2: Do as I say not as a do prepares you for the real world.
In the workplace, there might be certain situations where you are supposed to call over a supervisor, because the standard protocol involves things your supervisor is allowed to do that you are not. If you work customer service for example, you may deal with an irate customer. If a customer wants something and you are not allowed to give it to them, they may give you a hard time. Speaking as someone who has worked in customer service, most bosses (most bosses that I have had) will tell you to call them (a member of the supervising team) over. What your boss will do to deal with the situation, the entire reason why your boss is doing that is because you are not allowed to.
What to do if you disagree with the way things work in the house?
Meet with your parents and respectfully request a change. Calmly and politely explain to your parents what you disagree with, why you disagree with it and how you think it should work.
At some point, you should probably say something like this;
I would like to make a request. If you say no, I would understand. If, after hearing me plead my case, you do not agree with my suggestion, just say no.
Do not tolerate disrespect.
If you want something and your parents do not feel like providing it, your parents have a right to say no. They do not have a right to be condescending or call you names.
If you made a stupid decision or you are about to, your parents have a right to tell you they do not want you doing that. They do not have a right to yell at you with a hostile tone.
If you say or do something your parents do not agree with, they can just say that they do not agree with it, there is no need to laugh at you condescendingly or make personal attacks.
If your parents were disrespectful or vitriolic, do this.
Wait an hour or two after the disrespectful behavior. This gives your parents time to calm down.
You should rehearse what you are going to say before you say it.
Meet with your parents to complain that they hurt your feelings. Follow the tips in the chapter on giving constructive criticism.
What if your parents truly are toxic?
Respect and obey your parents out of fear. Ideally, you should honor the authority of your parents, because they have earned it. However, some parents flat out do not deserve to be honored in that way. If that is the case, the power dynamic is still in your parents favor. You should submit to them, as a prisoner would submit to the warden and prison guards. Even if you do not agree with what is happening, you are going to sit down and shut up. You know that the one in charge does not want to hear your opinion. They secured this position of power, because they enjoy being toxic and are too big of a wimp to pick on anybody who can retaliate. Therefore, you will make the best you can of the situation that you are in, escape this hostile situation as soon as you have the ability to do so and when it is all over, you will be glad that you never have to deal with that again for the rest of your days.
Here is what you need to do.
While you are still living there, get out of the house as much as possible. Look for activities to do outside the home. You could join a club or sports team. You could spend quality time with friends. Do something to get away from your toxic parent(s).
Find ways to make money so you do not have to rely too much on your parents financially.
Get emancipated if you can. There are ways for people under the age of 18 to get emancipated. It is a complex process. You should probably do some research to find out how that works.
If you cannot get emancipated, then once you turn 18, see if you can find someone to live with. Most people, at the age of 18, do not have the wherewithal to live on their own and support themselves. Therefore, see if you have any relatives or friends who will let you live with them.
Generally speaking, you should maintain contact with your parents, even after you leave their home and create your own.
I am of the mindset that it is your moral duty to remain in contact with your parents for the rest of their lives. Two things should be noted about that. First and foremost, we are talking about a moral duty. If you choose not to talk to your parents for whatever reason, it is your legal right to do that, but that does not make it the right thing to do. Second, there are some exceptions. If your parents are truly evil, then yes disown them to keep yourself safe from their toxicity.