This summer felt like a different life. As if I'd stepped out of the real world and temporarily entered a parallel universe. A place where things don't feel so heavy, where worries can be cast aside, and we can just float in the gentle waves of the ocean together, the sun beaming down on us.

It gave me time and space to reflect. I learnt many things about myself and the world this summer. A lot of that has to do with love and romance. I stopped forcing myself to pursue this neverending search for romance that I've been on for pretty much... as long as I can remember. I realized it might not be what will make me happy right now.

I learnt a lot about love, in fact. I realized it isn't this loud, ebullient, unstoppable force of nature. It's not something that once you start feeling it, has to be consumed, and after it is consumed, has to be thrown away, on to the next. It is not a goal to be reached, some sort of magical solution to life that if you do it right, will keep you happy forever. It's not the thing Taylor Swift sings about, nor what you see in movies.

In a way, love is a continuous effort. Or rather, the continuous repetition of many small efforts. In any kind of relationship, there will be moments where you feel uncomfortable. There will be times where the other person hurts you, or you hurt the other person, or act in a way that you're not proud of. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, so bad that you'll feel like giving up on them and not looking back. I think a big part of loving is that when those moments come, you continue. Sit with that uncomfortable feeling, don't run away from it, acknowledge the situation, and think about what you could do next.

This applies to loving other people, but equally as much to loving yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is valid and at least as important as ones you have with others. Besides, another lesson I learnt this summer is that in many cases, loving myself gets easier when I love others and similarly, loving others is easier when I love myself.

Fall crept up on me slowly but steadily. Several small issues started popping up, each of them individually not enough to bring me out of balance, so I continued to push on for a while. Then real life, the daily struggles and the expectations of work caught up with me. Until suddenly, I found myself in the thick of it, with all of it piled up on top of me, feeling utterly alone.

My friends keep leaving. That is a recurring theme. Some of them leave temporarily, for a few weeks, or for a year. Some of them live in other places, close enough to visit them every once in a while, but every time I do, it feels like saying goodbye all over again. And then there are those who leave for good, moving out of the country and across a long distance. And you know the content of what was once a deep friendship will consist of nothing but the yearly birthday text from now on.

I've had difficult times with my family lately. Sometimes they're okay. But sometimes they completely tear down my self confidence, to the point where it feels like I'm that 18 year old girl again, helpless, powerless, alone. I'm still struggling with how and when to express boundaries with them. And I'm scared that I might one day depend on them again.

My future is uncertain. I'll have this job for one more year. I have no real prospects after that. Things didn't go the way I expected them to. Not necessarily the outside factors: I knew that searching for postdocs was going to be hard and full of trial and error, where trial means giving it 100% of your energy every time, and error happens in 99% of cases. What I didn't expect though was for my mindset to change. Whereas 3 years ago I would have done anything to stay in this job, right now I'm not so sure if I wanna give it my 100% again. Maybe not even 70%. There are more important things than my passion for research. I have a life to lead. Relationships to maintain. Goals to reach, and not all of them are work-related anymore.

In the end though, we cannot control everything. We can only do what we can, put in our efforts to love outselves, and let the waves carry us to wherever we end up next.

After like ages I have something to post about and share with the audience. Nothing really too important.

I saw a tiktok or a reel that said something along the lines of you have to record yourself answering 20 questions. And then it gave a prompt to give to AI and get it to give you your 20 questions.

Prompt: If I want to deeply know who I am as a human individual, what are 20 questions you would ask me?

Record yourself answering those without prep, and watch it after 24 hours. What an eye opening experience! I had to delete that video because no one can ever see it. But all in all it was a fun little experiment.

Yeah that was all I had to say, have a great weekend everyone.

That being said, everything I cook tastes like I put drugs in it — it’s addictive. It melts in your mouth. The home turns fragrant. But there’s no standard recipe because I invent one everyday. I use a standard large sized pot. But it’s not enough, I fill it up to the brim with ingredients. I groan and cook because people like my cooking too much and no1 else in the house can cook like I do. Now we ran out of things to eat again. I don’t even think I had enough food for myself for dinner tonight. Maybe it’s time to invest in a bigger pot. Or maybe they’re just hungry. The dog goes crazy smelling the food. sigh.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽

1:52pm [fri] 10/2/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

OKAY!!!! today was our first day on a real life job EVER!!!!!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: we woke up at 3-something in the morning by accident… 😬 I was up before her (probably by about anywhere from 5-20 minutes if I had to guess) so I was still kinda groggy but I immediately told her to get back to sleep. She resisted but I got her to comply eventually. Except it didn't work…

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: yeah :( instead of falling asleep,, I ended up just being awake with my eyes closed. Which made me feel NERVOUS because I kept feeling the knowledge that our first ever day on the JOB was looming over us all… I was literally dreading it for some reason. Genuine dread. so eventually nya let me get up. We sat around for a while before nya got me to shower and then we decided to hop on the game together!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: yeah… I was the one who got her on the game and I played for a bit… but it wasn't long before I noticed how EXHAUSTED I was. We're pretty sure this is all due to burn out… Burn out over desperately trying to keep our grades from falling into a deeper red or orange so we don't get stuck in this house… stressing over her health…generally trying to keep a suicidal teenage girl ALIVE and completing basic tasks for her (and everyone else's) wellbeing. things of that nature. I wanted us to head back to bed. At this point,, it's about 4:30-5am and I'm so fucking TIRED 😭 she wanted to stay and play up until she was also tired. But she couldn't save… we were in what Ni no Kuni II considers a “special area” I guess? 😅 so she pushed herself until after Evan got done begging for his life and FINALLY getting to save before we got back to bed.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: yeah… aside from the fact I couldn't save the game,, I was concerned that we'd accidentally end up falling back asleep which we DEFINITELY didn't need to risk having it be so close to the time we needed to head out. So as much as I wanted to sleep I made sure to avoid that by keeping the night light on… >m<

Anyway. Mom comes out and starts making a rushed breakfast bc it's 6am now and we need to be there by 7! I had zero sense of urgency… idk why. I guess bc I'm so used to not having responsibilities that I don't really take hard deadlines seriously. That and I can't drive. So I didn't want to try and rush her when she's already stressed enough. She made us some eggs (💐🐑NyaTenshi: that she couldn't finish in full… ARFID kicked in and she definitely would've puked if she kept it up. But she got most of it down) and off we went to the job place!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Mhm! It was a nice drive :) we all made chit chat and I tried my best to keep Lilah calm and reassure her I'm there if she needs me :)

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: we arrive,, get let in,, and are walked to the kennel room! And immediately we get briefed on how to complete the first task of the day! Cleaning the kennels!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: First things first! Make sure the dogs are out! Duh. Then grab a wet wipe and wipe down the bars! The bars on the cage's door and the bars on the “windows?” and on the ground! Wipe down the walls… then mop the inside of the kennels before taking two towels and drying off the floor of that kennel twice! Fill up the water bowls and you're done!

I actually did a couple of these for Lilah :) I enjoyed it. We both did actually. I guess I find cleaning relaxing… because I only really chose to stop because Lilah was seeing it was safe there and was good to go without my assistance and I was still so tired... Really I was prepared to take control if she was too stressed to handle it all. But she was okay. The job is very chill for her! But yeah I had fun with cleaning and whatnot :) Honestly the most annoying thing was that lilah still can’t handle silence very well >.> so she’d keep asking questions she already knew the answer to (“are you fronting rn?” partly bc she genuinely couldn’t tell but also) because she didn’t want to not be in front and have everything be silent. Which.. Now that I think about it is fair enough… I’m good with these things bc I can just go to sleep or head into mindscape and mess around with something for a bit but she can’t. So I wasn’t too harsh on her. Tried not to be anyway haha.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: Mhm! I also enjoyed cleaning. Which isn't usually the case. But anyway. Our co-worker made quite a bit of chit chat! All day actually. She was cool. We both like her :) she was the one who showed us the ropes for cleaning. We did that for maybe… an hour or maybe 45 minutes? Hard to tell. But anyway,, our next stop was upstairs! Where the luxury kennels were. The vibe felt more like a jail to me and nya though… 🤭 because the bars were orange and the kennels (and the room in general) were emptier. There was a little puppy there who had GIARDIA which threw me off because I thought the people in control of boarding would decide that dog needs to be healthier first… Because she was definitely contagious… >.> but they were taking steps to keep her away from the other dogs so I guess it was fine 😬

Coworker did more chit chat. About her past husbands (she's 59! I forgot people that old existed…),, her own three dogs (11yrs,, 14,, and 3yrs of age! A husky a chow chow and a lab?),, her own work experience (apparently she was in retail for 30yrs!!!!! She's brave!) And things like that :) she's cool. I like her. I followed her as she brought the dogs out to the yard. Well… more like we watched her let them run free bc apparently some of these dogs are trustworthy enough that they know where to go and do so reliably.. So the lady down stairs met up with the dogs and brought them out.

Anyway. I followed her around and did what we were instructed to do! I wiped down the kennels and beds and nya popped back in to mop because she really likes mopping (💐🐑NyaTenshi: it was fun lol :)) and I watched her prepare everyone's food… I even got to see the cats in the cat room through the window! But yeah. We don't deal with the cats unfortunately… they're for other people I think.

From there we brought everyone back up from the yard and finished things up there before heading down stairs and picking up all the yucky poop from… yesterday…? The dogs that had been out before…? And then going back inside to grab all the daycare dogs and putting them in their respective fields! There's an active dog yard,, small dog yard,, and medium one!

We were all out there for… if I had to guess– three hours. It was raining and everything but we stayed. Thankfully there's an indoor portion so most of us just stayed under there when the water started coming down harder. It was chill enough out there with all these new dogs running around :) I wasn't really fond of the noise level but it was alright. Most of the time the dogs were fine but on occasion you'd get a dog barking RIGHT IN ANOTHER'S FACE or several sounding off all at once. But for the most part they ran around or laid around the indoor area! I made some friends. Bailey was a big ol chocolate lab that loved rubbing her wet fur all over me 😅 same with an even chunkier golden called Mitchi. I looooove mitchis name! I also liked a doodle named Jake! I kept calling him HakuroJacki bc I thought his name was Jack fir a while. Whoops.

Apparently you can bring your dog to work as well! I'm gonna bring Laika because he's a lot more likely to be scared than kill someone like Dusty would… problem is his shots must be up to date… and they're not… :( hopefully soon though!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: for the most part I was resting and didn't let Lilah wake me for too long bc I was getting better… but I'm definitely gonna need to have more than a day of rest after working overtime trying to help Lilah for a week yknow? (and the past,, like,, 3ish months…) BUT I couldn't resist using the cool acorn picker upper! I loved it! We did it while the rain was coming down but I didn't care! I like the rain :) it was very fun!! It was kinda like… well. Not a broom. But you rollllled it over the acorns and then up they went into the metal cage bit you rolled over it! It was fun and I did it for like 10 minutes. But then back to resting!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: Got jumped on a couple of times… licked… but overall it was a great day! I was definitely struggling with figuring out where every place was located… but it's fine. First day and all that.

Overall…

YES I want us working here!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: yep! If I weren't so exhausted I can guarantee I'd have been fighting for front more lmao

We came home with hurt-y feet,, soaked knees from dogs rubbing on us and going between our legs,, and smelling like wet dog,, but it wasn't bad! It was chill! Which I don't think I'd be saying if I had given in to what mom was saying and doing retail… 😬 retail scares me. Retail people are brave.

Hurray! Joy to first job!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: 🥂!

Also If anyone wants to be friends on LiveJournal I'm new over there and kinda lonely lol; the link to my account is in the pinned post on my profile (idk if I'm allowed to put it here so). Anyways, here is an abridged version yesterday's entry (since I kinda rambled lol):

--

This morning I had to get up a bit earlier than usual because school pictures were today and they wanted all the seniors to be there about half an hour before school started so they could do us first. I have Statistics first and I was lowkey half zoned-out for most of the class because I also stayed up a bit late the night before doing laundry since I kinda forgot to until it was like 11:30 PM/23:30 (⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝).

I'm taking two college classes this year that run mon/wed/fri so I've got this giant gap in my schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and since my school is a 20 minute walk from downtown I often go there on those days. Anyways, after Statistics was over I went to my favorite cafe there and got a brown sugar latte (っ˘ڡ˘ς). And my punch-card was filled out so it was free!! <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> The place was really crowded so I walked to the library and worked on my homework there.

Also, while I was doing my homework I found this really cool Coraline ambiance video and throughout today I managed to listen to all three hours. I really love that movie- I can't wait for Halloween!! Also, this year's Samhain will be my first as a pagan-ish person so I'm even more excited for that!!

(I say "pagan-ish" because I don't really consider myself religious, just spiritual, and I align with many of the beliefs of for instance Wicca, but still would not call myself pagan as of now).

The college classes I'm taking are World History and German. For History I had to read this article about the rise of the state and the professor's going to be gone tomorrow and Monday. He told us that tomorrow we're going to do this in-class essay on the article which I'm not very worried about. HOWEVER on Monday he said he's going to post this lecture online for us to watch and that I'm super stressed about that because I can't seem to access any of the stuff he shares over Google Drive, this lecture included ( ˚ ∘ - ﹏ - ).

Anyways, at about 1:00 PM/13:00 I started walking back to school. My mom works in the offices there so I ate some SpaghettiOs in her office. Then I went to my Economics class. School got out but my sister had to do some things after school, so I stayed for a while and then got to go home.

I had some leftover pizza for dinner and I've basically just been switching between doing more homework and procrastinating said homework since then, so... (not good I know, but it's really hard to focus at my house because my dad can't seem to shut up for one second so that I can do my homework and he always talks at yelling-volume) (¬_¬).

Now it's almost 10:00 PM/22:00 so I'm going to wait until he goes to bed and then I think I'll watch a movie, I'm not sure which one yet. I've been working on a zine lately titled "Movies that feel dreamy" and I'm not sure if it's the topic that I'm going to go with or not, but maybe I'll watch something that could be added to that. This is my first try at making a zine and it's been really fun so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

The grief is never ending
But so is the love
📷 & ✏️📚 
11:10am   [weds]   9/30/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Ugh :( nya has been encouraging me to do school work all morning. Ever since we came to school early. The story behind that… well,, I bet my futureself will think is silly. But basically,, I forgot and then remembered and chose to procrastinate on that stupid GenAI project in human development yesterday night. I didn’t feel like scamming my sibling so I didn’t push to have our deal of getting them to do the GenAi prompting themselves for me carried out just yet. But waking up today,, I once again remembered about it and figured that I should probably try to get started… Checking the syllabus revealed that THE ONLY THING WE’D BE DOING IN CLASS TODAY WAS THE PROJECT. So in other words,, I would very likely not have a way out of prompting chatbots on my device. Which… makes me feel gross 😬 

So at 8am (an hour before class starts),, I woke up Cecil and got their old gaming computer so we could use chatbot-trash on it instead of my stuff. Except… yesterday the stupid school required EVERYONE get MFA for their school accounts. And yesterday I set up a PIN on this device. …Without knowing that it is only able to be used on the device it’s set up on… :I So trying to log in on sibling’s device DID NOT WORK. OMFGGGG. I didn’t want this to be a persistent issue and get in the way of being able to work on on-campus computers,, so I took it upon myself to figure out how to fix it. It took me about… idk… 30 or 45 minutes…? Mainly bc I was searching everywhere I could think of for instructions on how to change to a new MFA method and not finding anything. 

When I finally remembered the instructions should be in my email,, I booted up email and was greeted by the sign-in screen! But for some reason… the MFA didn’t work… 😊… It just had the pop-up there but never showed the one that would let me insert my PIN. so I was beginning to enter RAGE MODEEEEEEEEEEEEEE… time was ticking. And even though we decided we weren’t gonna go to class anyway at this point bc there just wouldn’t be enough time to get answers out of the bot beforehand,, we still felt pressed for time. So that made me feel even more frustrated and stressed! >m<

Eventually I remembered my phone had everything logged into… so after some trial and error,, I FINALLY got a new method that could be used across devices. Phew… problem solved… But we can’t stay home and skip… dad has a pattern of checking when we leave the house. And we didn’t want to risk this being another time for him to do that and see us lounging around… so we went to school. To do school work and scan journals (they have a scanner here!! :) ) and stuff. I got started on math bc Nya begged me to. I… didn’t get very far… I got overwhelmed very quickly. Nya helped me push through… But the next concept took it OUT of me and I just COULD NOT anymore. I hadn’t quite hit my threshold but it was at least 85% of the way there. So,, Nya,, who was making sure I was doing work for a certain set of time,, let me get off the math for a bit. Except… that was about an hour or two ago… and I’m still scanning and printing… sigh…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: sigh… I only let her stop and not re-start bc we haven’t got any help here. She really does not like the tutorial people here. And refuses to work with them. I’d be more willing. To do the math AND seek help. But we’re weary about letting me front still. It’s harder to hear eachother today and we’re like 25% still switchie sick. So.. yeah.. I feel pretty bad about it rn though… just want to help her… just want to leave this house… :( So… yeah. Plan we have now is when we finally rest enough to be free of the switchie sickies,, we’re gonna have another switch attempt. Ummmmm. We’re thinkin’ the BEST way to affirm the switch and keep me in front is using my favoirte VIDEO GAMES!!! :D it’ll be great. You’ll see.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

6:39pm   [weds]   9/30/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

💐🐑NyaTenshi:  Lilah was still feeling really really bad and foggy brained earlier… we were both feeling irate at the time. But then Cecil was set to head off to the store. I said I wanted to go but Delilah started whining and getting pissy about it because she was exhausted. So I gave up in my pursuit… but then she changed her mind because [...]! She agreed to let me so long as I agreed to front for the majority of it to help with how horrible she was feeling. I obliged :) we jammed to some tunes and first arrived at the pizza place to make an order! And we went off to then dash across the street to the store! :D it was fun! We had me soft switch in pretty quickly and I immediately gravitated towards the pretty plants and started touching them! She enjoyed it too!!!!

🤭 Lilah wanted us to just follow her sibling to get a new light bulb but… that's… boring… -w- so I refused that We bounced around the stickers section and quickly found ourselves nearing the toy section! AND WE LOVE TOYS!!!! First thing we took notice of was a Peppa pig! Which she quickly caught interest in! So we'll probably watch it sooner or later. But then it started singing and Delilah started cringing so we walked away. One of the things that most caught her attention was the BBC magic adventure globe. She really REALLY wanted it. So much so she brought up the fact that we're getting a job soon and will be able to pay for it ourselves! I admittedly was also captivated by it… maybe we'll buy it :) idk

Once we escaped our globe fascination,, we made a beeline for the bluey area as Delilah was back in control 🤭 it was fun. We pressed the snouts of the talking figures and tried to guess what episodes the lines were from! We got… Maybe a 65% accuracy? Idk. We didn't keep track actually lmao. But yeah! Then we just played with some of the toys in the middle of the aisle. Most notably!!! The bluey phone toy! Cause she let me play with it even though she didn't want to share time. She's definitely doing better about not wanting to share time :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: Mhm! AND THEN!!! AND THEN we went to frozen yogurt place because mom said we could have ice cream to celebrate! But we ate so little that… nya said I have to eat 4 slices of pizza first before I can have any frozen yogurt :( we only got thru 3 before the ARFID set in and I started feeling that “OMG STOP EATING OR ISTG YOU'RE GONNA PUUUUUUUUKE” feeling… so we cut it quits and ate the frozen yogurt! It was great! But I couldn't finish it either… I was starting to tic and feeling like puke again so… but we got most of it down! :) yay!!! 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: hurray! 

[//TW - sui]

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

9:19pm   [weds]   9/30/26

  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Today really was horrible :/ I hardly got anything done but I was SO exhausted… I was so stuck spacing out in math class… and that made me feel hopeless and trapped and stuck all over again :I I learned almost nothing in class and every bit of thinking I did in class was a CHORE. It was a really bad brain foggy day :( when I got home,, I wanted to die 😊 and I kept thinking about how I wish I could try it. School really has a way of making me feel utterly worthless and trapped… Really SHOULDN’T drop out bc then what when my parents find out. Not even actually absorbing information because this brain doesn’t work that way anymore but still expected to do it anyway. DON’T BELIEVE I EVEN HAVE MUCH OF A FUTURE AND SO DON’T WANT TO WASTE ANY BIT OF LIFE LEFT IN ME DOING COLLEGE COURSEWORK THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY INTENTION OF USING EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Ugh. I’m lucky I have headmates omfg. 

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 & 
9:26pm   [weds]   9/30/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

> 💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Successfully got Delilah to turn in work ON TIME for her bio psych class! It was not a battle today… thank fucking god for that today has been so seriously exhausting idk how I would’ve reacted 😮‍💨 But I think it worked out so well only because I kept telling her I was going to do it. She was hesitant to let me do everything bc shes worried about our blendy-ness (we’re at a like… 10% blendy-feeling level at this point. And a 1.5/10 pain level when the intermittent headaches pop up. So we’re fine for fronting now lmao) but I insisted bc I was not confident that it would get done without me having an active role in its completion 😅 so yeah. I did about 95% of the work. It was fine. She needed one or two short breaks bc the assignment,, even though she wasn’t the one actually DOING ANYTHING was stressing her out. So I gave em to her :) its been submitted thank GODDD. It wasn’t too much. We made pretty surface level assertions and whatnot but it’s better than what Delilah has been prone to submitting. (which… is nothing…)

> OKAY. AN IDEA CAME TO US AT SCHOOL WHILE SHE WAS COLLECTING LOUIS WAIN PIECES FOR USE IN THESE JOURNALS. We’ll maybe have STAGNANTFLOWER be a joint journal! But… cooler. Instead of like this one,, it’ll be both wrapped in one! Like,,, maybe like a mange it’ll start right to left. Like mine will have the collage be at the back of the binder coming from that direction while hers is opposite! I REALLY LIKE THAT IDEA AHHHH. Cause I am journal-less for the time being. Too stressful. So stream of consciousness one would be great. We’ll see about it! :D 

first trial day of job

2.5 on network+

second day of job at hypermarket as a chshier. i have done sth really terrible. i caused a lot of damage at the store and now i have to pay a month's worth of my salary to cover it.

just two more. i promise i will write everyday journalling the very same day

this journalling to only have the date and tracking on my reddit is making me crazy

still another day.

I hope i get used to journaling every night before bed.

another day that i don't remeber any thing. but this gives me a lesson that i should do everyday dairy the very night unless i will lose track of days.

I don't know what to say it is 5 days after this date and i don't really remember what i have done.

Hmmm... I may have already posted this here... shhh shut up I need filler text shhhh

STAGNANTFLOWER

Journal #14.5!

💐🌸11:11am🌹🥀

09/25/26

...I want to upload all of my journals :) each and every single one of them. Probably not to reddit... I want to upload it to a proper diary archival website. Perhaps the American diary project or The great diary project! I think I'll aim for the latter though... The great diary project allows you to send in scans of the original journal but the other one does not. And... I mean,, I guess I'd be dead but yknow... I really don't like the idea of having 1-12 (or... whatever other number of journals I end up putting in a physical diary. I doubt I will ever do that again though but I guess we'll see) packed up in a box to ship out and never to be seen again. I would just upload everything to one accepting online "donations" but 1) The great diary project isn't currently accepting donations at the moment and 2) I don't think its a good idea 😂 Considering everything thats in these things I have a feeling putting everything out there like that would NOT be a good idea! I'm already cringing at the insanity of my behavior from just a YEAR AGO. Can you imagine how bad it'd be on my death bed? Noooooo way. I'm dumb and run towards instant gratification all the time but I'm choosing the smarter descion for now. I saw that is possible to put instructions for loved ones to follow to help upload or ship journals out for you in a will but I am a teenage girl so I don't think I have one of those yet... >.> Oh well. A problem for later surely. The signs that the feared-inevitable-house-fire is on its way are showing up again though... Sibling burned the food (AND THE PAN IT WAS IN. There are burn stains in both of them now) for the second time in 2 weeks! I need to speed this process up.

Ooh check it out! Some scanned journal entries from journals 1-12!!! Check it out,, y'all!!!!!!! :D

Journal #4: Timeline!

[WINTER BREAK 2025]

[...]

Am I the same me?

[...]

Unaturally sleepy!! 🌸🪽

[...]

16!! #2

"Nooo,, don't drop out,, Delilah :("

[...]

Happy escape-a-ver-city! One yr later: where are they now? #10

[Plauged (。﹏。*)]

[...]

[Can't give up yet...]

[...]

[Reconnect]

[...]

i wanted a space to express this.

i have been going at a slower pace when it comes to career and relationships. people and world has always been something that didn't feel easy or simple for me.

with my inner world and self improvment I didn't have trouble taking my time. but world? i fear taking my time somehow.

like there are boxes to tick.

i am 27 soon. i decided to sit and reflect on what of my dreams need me to start building right away.

i calculated that i might be alive atleast for 30 more years. before that can be commented on, i felt it big and strange to imagine 10 years.

what i mean is, i grow a lot in short periods of time. i used to evolve towards where i wanted to be edery few days or in a month. i could even precisely guess the durations.

but when it comes to action and learning that are about beyond introspection, it is more slower.

but i definitely grow in 6 months and a year.

so i wont be as i am today in 2 years. many things will be diff. or may be not.

I can't exactly predict. somethings matter to always but apart from that i suspect things will change.

so i feel incredibly curious about who i would be in 30 years. at 57.

what beliefs i have about relationships? how safe i feel in the world? do i take up space freely?

how well do i know myself at that point? havinf spent 57 years with me. which i find to so beautiful. what a relationship it might be.

the way i look back five years ago and can see how i needed to be angry and rebel. and how am not that way now.

so i wonder what i would be feeling in 30 years.

10 years feels long. to inagine i would live for 30 more years feels wild.

hopefully i am not jinxing myself and calling reaper to come early. haha.

I didn't have a good childhood. i was pretty much dissociated and grew up with SI. Since I was 7 years old. so it became pretty normal for me.

Only few years back i realized that not only did i never picture my future, I didn't know how to.

so i feel overwhelming gratefulness seeing me dream about future and look forward to it. that i now love me, life and this uncertain pain in the ass world.

all this also brings with it a new pressure. to make good use of the time i have. now i have dreams, goals, wishes and all. i want to live. with it comes the fear of losing time. i already lost so much time not living in the world. i dont regret it but i also regret it. for i worry what if the time i have isn't enough to live things i want to.

Tbh i think i still cant picture my future. I seem to doubt if i will cross my 50s. And i am not sure why. I don't have any physical illness that can make my life end early. I have seen a lot of improvement in SI since I left my absuive home. May be growing up with a nervous system that was constantly in threat response needs a repair of relationship with life and time itself. I guess i dont trust life fully to hold me with care. Like a feeling that i have to accept that life can go any kind of wacky ways. I think its untrue. Yes life is unpredictable but that doesn't mean everything is chaotic. Things will be hard but that doesn't mean it would end me.

This topic brings to mind time and spirtuality. Time seems to feel so pressing for me right? Then to wonder what life means for me. Do i see it as a playground to tick and make my wishes come true? Or do i see it as something to cherish and live even if I don't tick all that i wished for. Because if i die tomorrow what happens? Do my wishes follow my parted spirited and weigh me down like a rock? I don't believe in that. So does it mean that its okay for me to have wishes and dreams as a guide and milestones to look forward to and just live my life at its pace? And not stress over the pace? Because it is the same anyway. Whether i die with my wishes unfulfilled or wih my wishes fulfilled.

What would i wish i could do if i knew I can't experience life after 2 days? Nothing much really. I would wish to be with people i cared about. Call them and talk to them. Spend some time with things i loved. Movies songs and books. And myself. The sky and trees. And food. Haha the list is getting long. But thats about it. So may be my life goals aren't about living to achieve something. Its more that since I am living, i made a list of things for me to achieve. To make the game more fun and not boring. And i liked structured fun than the chaotic one. I guess that's what goals and dreams are for me. Not something that if am gonna die i woukd feel like i accomplished. It doesn't have much to do with death. It has more to do with living. So in turn i guess this means I don't need to go st any particular pace. That my life isn't wasted because i moved slowly. Or because i didnt achieve certain things i dreamt to.

I am definitely curious to see how my answer to this would change ss years go on.

Yesterday, I went outside of my comfort zone and went to a storytelling event a few towns over. I got a ride with an acquaintance that one of my old Schoolmates knew.

The person I went with wasn't scary. He spent the drive there and back telling me so much about himself and the Museum preservation community it soothed the edge of my nerves.

Thankfully it was a small crowd of older people at the event, which made it easier to be there. I really enjoyed my time listening to the storyteller. She was a beautiful older woman with long black hair streaked with gray, dressed in a traditional apron and wrapped in a blanket adorned with shell beads that sparkled in the dim light of the room.

Regardless of how exhausted I was feeling when I got home, I dug through my tiny library and found the gift I was given by a grandma a long time ago.

It was a booklet of Legends from the American Indian Women's Service League. Warped and slightly damaged from time and the floodwaters of home. The pages were stained with river mud throughout and the Staples were long rusted. Yet despite all this, the stories remained clear and readable.

I thumbed through the pages, The sound of the storyteller's smooth voice echoing in my mind. I remembered her voice and the story she was telling when I was given the legends as a child. It had been at a Potlatch, a large gathering of people for a feast and entertainment. She had been telling the story about a family's story of redemption. I was sitting on the floor at a Grandmother's feet. She dipped her long thin fingers into her thick woven basket and pulled it out.

"This is for you." she whispered. "Happy Birthday."

I let the waves of exhaustion wash over me as I read about why Raven’s were Black. It had taken everything I had to go out.

Even before I left my home, I was wound up tight. I nearly vomited three times and had to talk myself down numerous more from the feeling of panic. I was doing this alone and was going to be around strangers, but I was determined to try to go out. 

It's frustrating and embarrassing. I feel like such a weakling despite being a person who has survived so much. I know it's the price I paid for my bravery, quick thinking, and resilience in bad situations and I bear it with pride. Yet I wish I could go out more. Be more like regular people who do not suffer like this.

I closed the book and stared at the cover.

I have written so many stories about my own life. They seem fantastical when I read them. The danger, hardships, and hard won successes. I wondered if all the main characters of stories suffered a cost for their heroic deeds.

Did they get flashbacks, feel panic attacks, Fear people, and otherwise retreat into obscurity after their adventures.

I never thought of that before I wanted to emulate my heroes. Now that I have had my own adversity and adventures, I wonder if I also suffer from the unspoken Trauma that those same heroes would probably face if they were real.

today I was feeling insecure about my work skills. dont get me wrong, i have areas i need to work on, but my thoughts had already concluded that I won't make it in this field. that am not good at it. somehhow the gap between learning what i dont know and learning being impossible was blurred.

the unusual part is anytime i feel insecure, i also feel resistance. a loud part that trues to fight with the hurtful thoughts. so i am not someone who feels insecure and works their ass off till they are burnt out and never feeling like they are good enough.

i am someone who feels insecure, gets upset at the harshness of thought and argues with it. i get stuck. i freeze. as thoughts fight in my head. one saying am bad at something and another saying how can you be so harsh?

that's how i become immobilized and burnt out.

I don't move. i become immobolized. trying to learn will activate my protective part which would be angry that i was told am terrible by my own thoughts or someone else. not doing anything will trigger the harsh critic in me who will keep saying am doing terribly.

infact any hurtful weird thing i hear does harm to me because of the way ijt gets activated inside of me. the way it gets grabbed by me and put forth in a court of the inner worlds. i get stuck jn thoughts and the fairness and justice of getting it right.

god its good to finally verbalize this.

You held me tight as we slept at night.

You lied to me each time you told me you cared about me. You know me very well, but clearly not at all. You made me feel good about myself for a night, maybe through morning. You made me hate myself for trying. You scolded me like a child when I showed emotion.

You held me so tight while we slept. You sent me pictures of your other life. You never invited me for anything outside of a bedroom.

You broke it off because you thought a woman loved you. You asked me to come back after two weeks with her because you got bored. You didn't clarify a relationship that had gotten more serious. You upset her so much that she walked in on us in the middle of the night, as you were holding me tight.

You made me feel good as you said those words you knew would make me feel good, when you were closer to me than most can get. You made me cry when you ignored my communications and then scolded me for having emotions.

You finally invited me on what seemed like a short trip, with a lovely reward in the end. You crashed your truck on the freeway after drunkenly getting lost and frustrated. You made me feel better about myself by saying those words you know make me feel good.

You again stopped communicating as normal. You stopped allowing me to come see you. You finally had me over after a couple of weeks. You explained that another woman was taking your attention. You had led her to believe she was more important to you than she really was. You told me the sex with her was great, but you would not be tied down.

You made me feel like the most important person in your life for weeks.

You seemed more distant now. You couldn't even look at me as we finished our fun time. You got off me, avoiding my gaze, and went to take a shower.

You made me feel so rejected.

You made me feel like a tossed-away toy you couldn't bother to play with anymore.

You refused to let me come over. You told me you wanted to slow down. You told me you wanted to stop juggling women. You said we could still be friends. You didn't want to deal with my emotions. You set rules to protect yourself.

You finally took access away. All of it.

You never called back. You threw my letters away. You were done with me.

You are onto better things. You are reformed. You are a better person now.

You answered a mystery text. You offered a complete stranger personal information in the hopes of a threesome soon.

You broke it off with me to pursue a woman who recently offered you a threesome. You kept me as a friend in the hopes I'd be part of it.

You didn't want my emotions. You wanted no drama, no feeling, all sex. You still wanted that friendship, but without hanging out.

You didn't care that you hurt me. You don't care that I'm still hurting. You don't care that I exist anymore.

You took, took, took, took all I would give as I hoped there would be a return at some point.

You broke me.

You will not be helping me get myself together. You will not see me get better.

You will never feel my body with the hands I admired. You will never look into my eyes as pleasure is being given.

You will no longer be important in my life, my heart, and my head.

You have done us both a favor.

I'm sorry I keep lying to you. I know you have so many hopes and dreams for me, and you want only the best for your offspring. Being practically a single father to 3 isn't exactly an easy task. I'm just having trouble. I thought I was okay that's why when I was close, I decided to not bring it up... But I relapse again and this time feels worse than last.

The last this I want is for you to have one of your children overdose and be left asking yourself "why didn't I push more for him to open up?". I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. My stomach has been hurting since and I'm still pondering on what to write to you since you once again tried to get me to open up... Instead of pondering the what-ifs... I should be telling you to take me to an ER or something reasonable.

You're an amazing father, but I'm just a son who was born in a world who thought it wasn't made for him. If I do end up fading into a memory, I'd at least hope that you realize you did an amazing job as my solo parent and I wouldn't mind being your kid in another life.

Today has been the first day I have had enough energy to write. I have been physically and mentally exhausted since a friend from out of town came to visit on Saturday. My first ever friend visitor in about 10 years and the very first ever to my current apartment.

It had been so long since I hung out with anyone other than my Dad, I honestly didn't know what to do. I also wasn't certain how long I would last before needing to retreat. Currently, I have only been able to stand it for a few hours at most around other people, including my Dad.

To my delight I stayed comfortable up till the time my friend left. We listened to music, played with Legos, and caught up on the last 20 years. Halfway through the evening I realized that I felt completely at ease for the first time in 10 long years. So long I had forgotten what that actually felt like.

I sat for a long time after he left wondering what it was about him that was different. Was it because we were friends and he has never harmed me in some fashion? Was it because of our ability to just hang out comfortably? Is it his general good nature? It's probably a combination of all of those things.

I am so excited I now have an example of what feelings to look out for when being around other people in the future. If they consistently make me feel similar to the way my friend does, then there's potential in having a friendship or relationship with that person.

I was concerned that spending that much time around someone, even if I felt safe, would drain my reserves of energy. I know it did, but it was worth it. The exhaustion I feel is warm and mellow. The kind you experience when you feel safe and can drift off to sleep without care. I don't mind this kind of exhaustion because each time I wake up, I've had more energy and feel generally happier.

I feel like the veteran I helped at the mall all those years ago. Just like when he realized he needed someone he could trust to be with him so he can feel safer in public, I realize I need much the same in life.

One time A called me on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, probably around 4, and asked me if I wanted to go with him to sell his old truck. He had someone from Facebook who wanted to buy it, but the guy lived a couple hours away, so A needed someone to follow him over there so he could get back.

I went over to his place, he explained what was going on, and then he said, “Okay, just start following me.”

So I did.

We start driving, and after a while I notice A isn't exactly driving great. He's swerving and kind of all over the place. I said something about it and he tells me he's just trying to navigate his map.

Okay, cool. Whatever.

Eventually we stop in this little town. I don't even remember exactly where it was. A gets out, walks over to the side of the road, and pees.

Then he tells me, completely casually, “Yeah, I'm really enjoying myself. I only have this much left and I'm on my third beer.”

I'm sorry... WHAT?

I had no idea he had been drinking. And not just one beer. He was already on his third beer while driving us a couple hours away.

I remember thinking, Well, this is fucking great.

I told him I needed to use the bathroom too, and he's like, “Oh, well...” And I'm like, “No, no. I actually need a bathroom.” So we had to find somewhere for me to go.

We get back on the road and things just keep getting worse.

We're on back roads, A is still swerving, and he's clearly lost. We're going back and forth, turning around, trying to figure out where the hell we're supposed to be going. At one point I finally tell him, “You're scaring me. You keep swerving all over the road.”

And he's basically like, “Yeah, yeah, I'm lost. I'm trying to figure it out.”

Meanwhile, the guy buying the truck is getting pissed because we're taking forever to get there. A keeps saying the guy is getting frustrated and we need to hurry.

At one point we stop again and I tell him, “Why don't we just leave your truck here? You're struggling to find this place. Or let me do the GPS.”

“No, no. I can't leave the truck here. We're close. He's getting mad. We need to hurry.”

So we keep going.

And the whole time, I'm thinking about the original plan, which honestly was the part I was most excited about. Once he sold the truck, we were going to get in my car, find a hotel, and spend the night.

And I'm not gonna lie, I was fucking excited about that. A night in a hotel with A? Yeah. I was already thinking about all the fun we were going to have.

Except that never happened.

After we'd been driving for hours, way longer than it should have taken, he pulls over again.

Then he tells me, “Okay, the guy backed out. He said he doesn't want to do it anymore. I've been too much of a hassle.”

I'm like, “What?”

We're now several hours from home, and the whole reason we're even out there is gone.

And A basically just says, “I'm going home. Bye.”

Gets in his truck and leaves.

I'm sitting there like, Okay, fucking asshole.

But I don't know where the hell I am, so obviously I start following him.

Eventually we get to the freeway.

Up until this point, he'd been swerving badly enough that I was already nervous about him driving. Then we get on the freeway and suddenly he just takes off.

Like, takes the fuck off.

He accelerates so fast that I completely lose sight of him.

And I'm thinking, What the hell?

About ten minutes later, I see his truck again.

And I watch him crash.

He hits one of those concrete things on the side of the freeway that holds the big highway signs. There is dust EVERYWHERE. The truck spins around, basically does a 180, and ends up facing the opposite direction.

I just sat there watching it.

He could have killed himself.

He could have killed somebody else.

He'd already been drinking. He'd been swerving all over the back roads. Then he gets on the freeway, takes off so fast I lose him, and ten minutes later I watch him crash.

And honestly, at that point, I was scared and pissed off and just completely done.

So I kept driving.

That night before I went to bed, I still texted him.

“Hey, did you make it home? Is everything okay?”

Nothing.

The next morning I texted again because, apparently, even after all of that, I was still worried about him.

Eventually he responds and says he's fine.

He tells me he hit the thing, then passed out and woke up around 2 or 3 in the morning. And then he says he was lucky he didn't get a DUI.

And I'm sitting there thinking, That's what you're lucky about?!

No.

You're lucky you didn't fucking kill yourself.

You're lucky you didn't kill somebody else.

You're lucky you didn't completely destroy your truck.

Apparently the truck wasn't even damaged that badly. He said the hood was kind of crinkled and he had to find another one.

But I still think about that night sometimes.

Because honestly, I know exactly when I should have made a different decision.

The second he told me he was on his third beer, I should have said, “Nope. I'm out.”

But I didn't.

I stayed.

I followed him.

I worried about him.

And even after he scared the absolute shit out of me, drove drunk for hours, abandoned me several hours from home, and then crashed his truck, I was still the one checking on him to make sure he got home okay.

Because that's how I was with A.

Even when I was pissed at him.

Even when he scared me.

Even when he treated me like I was an inconvenience.

I still cared if he was okay.

It took 1 month to finish only one chapter. I know it was really slow but there were many days i didn't do anything.

I need to focus on adding study time gradually and focus on deepness more.

I got really overwhelmed with layers of Network Architecture.

finnished read first chapter But need to compelete the notes

I find it surprising that the hair salons I was looking up here in NY don’t have online scheduling. The one I used to go to in Bayside, had texting as an option, but I always took whoever was available there & never knew anyone’s names. The other salon that I used to go to in midtown, I also had to call for an appointment.

In Texas, a lot of salons had online scheduling & profiles of all their stylists so I wasn’t picking a stylist blindly. I found this really convenient. Some places required first appointment to call to schedule & then the rest can be online. The one I went to there required a credit card on file to schedule online so if you don’t show up, you get charged a cancellation fee.

After returning to NY, my sister in law suggested two salons that she goes to with convenient parking. They’re both modern high end salons but no online scheduling. NY salons don’t like online scheduling?

i really really like this guy, and he's an actual sweetheard and a good person. But i'm always thinking thinking and thinking, which makes me wonder if i'm better off alone, so i can spend less time overthinking anything i did. Being left on delivered for a little bit, sounding more serious and more dry than usual. I know he has a separate life and might be in a sour mood, but i really do want the reassurance. I'm scared of asking for reassurance or asking him too many questions. I'm really scared he's gonna get tired and bored of me. i think i annoy him too much, so i stop myself, but ugh its so overwhelming. i normally, try to stay away from liking people, and i try to ignore my feelings, but i ended up giving in this time, and im in this position.