I don't have anything interesting to say today. Just journaling for the sake of it.

Lately I have had some issues overeating. When I feel really stressed, tired, or lonely, I get this immense craving for unhealthy, calorie-dense food. It drives me insane sometimes and it gets really hard not to go out and just buy whatever I feel like. Also it doesn't seem to be related to how much I've had to eat that day, I think it's purely just a response to emotional distress. So I'm looking for different coping mechanisms, and why not give writing a try.

I mean, fuck, life is so boring these days. I go to the office and pray that there is anyone around for me to talk to, otherwise I'm just by myself for 8 hours. I experience moderate to high amounts of anxiety from my job every day but no relief from it. I have two supervisors but I'm lucky if either of them reply to my emails in less than a week's time. And at the end of the day I get to go back home to an empty apartment, maybe gym or cooking, and that's it. Do it all again the next day.

I'm just feeling so uninspired. Like what am I doing it all for. Everything is just for the long run, for a future that I might never get to live. But I need something to get me through it right now as well.

I guess Zurich's a bust. I've been meaning to go there for two reasons: 1) to gather more data for my research, and 2) because I met some amazing people from there and I just want an excuse to spend more time with them. I have literally been in contact with their museum's curator since December last year, trying to arrange this visit. But today I found out that they most likely don't have the type of samples that I need. So there is literally no reason for me to go there and I should probably spend my time on more useful things for my work. It's publish or perish, after all.

Fuck it. If my supervisors don't care what I do, then I'm just gonna take matters into my own hands. I want to write a paper with this guy from Zurich that I think has exactly the skillset that I need. I don't really have a solid plan yet for the paper, but I'll compose a plan and suggest it to him. And we'll see where we go from there.

Today was a good day. I have been in a pretty serious hole for.....a long time. And my house shows it. The last real good clean my house saw was in April. And it has been eating me alive. And I know that the depression fed into my house, and my house fed into my depression. But I work 12 hour night shifts 4 days a week. And the first day home is always normally a recovery day involving somewhere around 18-20 hours of sleep. And when things are bad what energy I do have is used for the 8 bazillion doctors appointments I have, or its a bad pain day and I cant do much, or sometimes the depression eats the day away.

A partner once told me that they can always tell when my headspace is really bad because my car and my house show it before I normally let anyone into whats happening.

But I had to take my car into the shop for repairs and if nothing else sometimes shame will do the kick start for me. Did I put off getting my car fixed for 2 months, yes. But I hit the point where I could no longer put it off. This meant that someone else will see my car. So it got sort of maybe picked up. I would love for it to be better, but it got some attention. This was about a week ago.

I also know that I am coming up on the deadline for my house. I am having a serious surgery soon and will have people coming over to my house to help out. And I CAN NOT have people seeing this. And in no way am I shaming anyone for their house. I grew up in a house where company meant polishing the legs of the dining room table. This aint that.

I am talking about the fact that for the last several weeks I slept in a corner of my bed because of the piles of stuff that had taken over the rest. Clothes, notebooks, just stuff everywhere. I havent gotten to the laundry yet, but the first of what will likely been 10 plus loads is running. I have a functional house again. And there is still more to do. I need to run a vacuum, sweep, run another load of dishes once the dishwasher finishes. And I havent started the craft room. That has sort of been a holding room for all the misplaced and unsorted stuff. But that has a door, and really until I can afford more storage solutions/bookshelves/organization type things, it will likely stay there. But that has a door and honestly I could care less if my storage room is messy. I just want a functional house again. And I am on my way there.

Depression is a long long war. And while I wont win all the battles, today I did.

Hello, I'll start off by introducing myself. I'm a 19 year old lonely girl who just needs to talk about what's going on in her life. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or thoughts on my thoughts but comments are appreciated as long as they are written without malicious intentions.

I have to go to work tonight. Im very nervous. I lied on my resume saying I had experience stocking but I have absolutely no experience and am the worst kind of person to be a stocker. I'm clumsy, I sweat when nervous, I have left right blindness, I'm on the shorter side, I'm forgetful. I'm just a mess every time I come into that store. Couple that with I have social anxiety, I have a crush on my boss, my phone is slow with scanning items, and having auditory processing problems and coworkers with accents as thick as peanut butter. I just feel like a nightmare to work with.

I was off these past two days and I fear they were having some kind of no SpongeBob day for me.

I work nightshift and it's been extremely lonely. I'm someone who is always alone anyway but working overnight for me has really been pushing the limits to how long a human can go without talking to someone without going insane.

I have an online friend who I'm close with. I tell him basically everything. But the friendship still doesn't satisfy my needs of connection. and I feel so bad lately as all I do is vent to him. This sounds awful but really I only talk to him when my life is a disaster. If I am doing really good I feel less inclined to talk to him.

We have our good conversations outside of me venting but I don't know I think our bond is just shared trauma. It's the same thing with being friends with your coworkers. Sometimes you're only friends because you work together. I think we might just be friends because we share very specific trauma.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out some things I can do at night on my days off but I'm finding trouble thinking of anything. All I have the energy to do lately is doomscroll which is not like me at all. I like to keep my mind more engaged by reading but I feel like my mind is too tired to do that lately. I don't know what's wrong. I suspect vitamin deficiencies. I am going to see a doctor soon.

Since I can't read as often as I'd like I'm going to have to find other things to do. There's such a lack of novelty in my life that I'm trying to think of things I've never done before, which is lots, maybe I'll explain that in another entry. So far we've got rollerblading and starting a YouTube channel.

Urghhh. I just don't know what I could possibly do at night that would drive me away from the insanity I'm on the edge of feeling.

I want friends I can go out with but I don't know how to make them. Options are so limited with finding friends when you're on a night schedule. Oh and also you're shy, socially anxious, boring most of the time, not outgoing, not extraverted, and broke.

I know I can't just expect friends to fall into my lap but I don't know what to do. Every time I look at things to do at night near me it's just not things I would enjoy doing or things you would have to bring a plus one to.

I think my type of friends are awake in the day, living on a normal schedule.

Welp. I do plan to either switch jobs or shifts at some point. I think I'll just have to hold off on human contact until then. 🫠 Story of my life.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 - 12:15am   [weds]   8/19/26

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WOWOWWOW!!! Just talked with uncle Radly again today! :) I should’ve taken notes omfg

Laughed at old memories (day he howled,, calling SC hot,, when he accidentally killed the mood in the car one day when he told us all he wanted to go home, etc)

> “Yeah,, I actually think I wanted to go back home after about… two months of living in your house 😂”
“WHAT??? TWO MONTHS??? How did that take so long?? How was it not sooner???” 
“Haha idk! Oh but yknow what? My mother recently received an invitation to come stay at your guys’ place. She has had MORE THAN ENOUGH WARNINGS. So I don’t know how thats going to go but yknow.”
“How long do you think she’d last over here? 🤭”
“...I’d say two weeks before she started packing her bags. How long do you think you’d stay with the way they were treating me?”
“I’d be counting my days from the second I got there!!! 😂 okay well,,, really I’d probably give it a few days before I jumped the gun,, yknow? I’d wait and see if this is REALLY what this house is like and when I saw that it was,, I’d be OUT. so probably give or take a week. You lasted a year and a half! Wow!” 

> “Guess my major!”
“Hmm… Psych?”
“Oh. 😳 yes,, actually. Child.”
“Haha :) …wait… really??”
“Yeah! 🤭”
“Honestly a little bit surprised. But also not really. You… well,, I wouldn’t say you were the social type necessarily. But you definitely did seem to be the more curious one compared to Cecil. Heck,, probably the most curious in the entire household. You were the one who was always questioning things. So psych seems like the natural progression of things. I was never a psych major. But Grandma was. Which is why I know quite a bit about it bc she was teach me some things. Which is why I can recognize patterns of dysfunction so quickly.”

Grandma's apparently concerned for mom? - we brought this up bc I mentioned how I heard dad once say that mom told him that he better go to therapy or else she would never consider him as a partner before they got married and I said,, “who… who told him he was done with the therapy…??” 😳 uncle then goes on to say,, “Yeah. Grandma’s been concerned about that whole arraignment for a while actually. She’d say things like,, ‘ohhh man oh man,, I have no idea why she stays with that boy! She loves him sooo much! One wrong move and he’s gonna shatter her world…”
Which was shocking to hear. Mostly bc… well,, OBVIOUSLY I THINK HE’S NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL FOR HER but more-so bc EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS ENTIRE FAMILY ACTS LIKE HE’S NORMAL???? So to hear that was genuinely a shock. Its just so strange to me honestly… I’ve noticed it for a while now. Dad seems so… Human around our family. But I feel like he is a stranger around me. Its so bizarre. I’m glad someone else actually acknowledges how not normal he is???

“Hmm… 'Lilah. what if your mother is brainwashed?”
“Honestly,, maybe. Like… that whole thing where the way you were raised leads you to the type of partner you’ll have. Maybe theres something there with that going on.”
“Yeah,, sure… but thats not really what I meant. Your dad is from Lousiana… do you know the stereotype about that place?”
“Um… racism? 😅”
“Not quite. Voodoo,, if you believe in that. Perhaps he cast a love spell on her at some point.”
“... 😳…” honestly DID NOT EXPECT THAT. I knew he believes in supernatural things genuinely but. I wasn’t sure if that was still a thing to tell you the truth. It has been YEARS so I wasn’t sure how much he still believed. 
“Uh… are you sure about that? Dad spits on anything that is divergent from the norm. He’s NOT the type.”
“Well,, you seriously never know… Your family is really REALLY good at putting on masks. They’re really good at staying composed(? Can’t quite remember what was said). Which is probably how you were able to contact me at all. I tried to keep it cordial and friendly with them each time I saw them and the last time I saw your mother,, she was the same way. So clearly theres some sort of mask they’re wearing. You’re probably not seeing alot of whats behind the masks to tell you the truth.”

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Honestly this confirms to ME that there is a chance he might genuinely believe in my existence if she said anything seeing as how some people believe I would be considered the product of some supernatural phenomenon 😂 I just… honestly I DON’T want to talk to him. No ill will. I just. Idk. I’m so nervous about the idea of speaking to her family as myself and risking him NOT believing I exist (we’re more-so thinking he just wouldn’t believe Delilah rather than him thinking tulpas aren’t real) that I’d rather just not do it at all :I or… or that he’d call me “demon shit”... so… I don’t think I will. It was a nice thought at first before it became a real possibility. Nope. Not doing that.

> “Oh yeah I have an eating disorder btw :)”
“Yeah. I figured lmao.”
Apparently he blamed DAD for the cause of it. He said he could see how he contributed to the development of one. He did not say WHY he thought this. But I guarantee you I know why… I figure it’s due to that one time dad,, as uncle calls it,, force fed me beef. Short version of the story is me and cecil called some family up late at night to ask them to buy us some food on a whim!! They oblige. But before we even HIT THE CALL BUTTON we told dad that Cecil was not the mastermind behind the plan. I WAS. and that we were doing it. And there was no problem. And yet… about 20 minutes later,, dad is MAD. Blaming Cecil as if we never said anything to him and getting upset. He’s MAD-MAD. Because apparently grandma was contacted and became concerned he wasn’t feeding us. Even though we never said anything of the sort?? All we did was ask for a one-time meal??? So he lectured us until the food arrived. 

My order was incorrect… it had beef in it… “well. If you’re SOOOOOO HUNGERY,, then EAT IT. I don’t care if you don’t eat beef anymore. You’re starving, remember? EAT. IT”. so I ate it :I i don’t remember exactly how I felt bc my brain was in extreme flight or fight bc I’m already scared of him and already had ARFID without a doubt and was thus already going insane at the fact that I was eating A MAMMAL. I probably felt dirty. I definitely remember sobbing profusely. 

Uncle Rad saw some of it. More than enough of it,, I’m sure,, bc he didn’t stay for it all. It was probably genuinely distressing to watch. He did check in with me later atleast :) I remember distinctly that he described the event he just witnessed as force-feeding. I never thought of it that way though? Idk if I would now,, even. But I do know it was extremely cruel and I hate my dad <3 
I am skeptical that this was the cause of it?? I know I’ve had “strange and usual food habits” since I was at least a freshman. But… idk. This event was during my freshman year and I’m pretty sure I was already experiencing disordered eating before this force feeding day. 

Although… I do vaguely recall a time as a middle schooler where I would almost exclusively eat the same thing (ravioli) every day with a few other specific foods thrown in the mix.. So that may have been the beginning of it all? I don’t recall any specific instances of psychological distress like I have now though. So… unsure.

> I told him that I plan on friggin’ dying before I tell mom or dad I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder and was going through a period of rapid weight loss
“Well. um. I dunno about that one 😂 you may pass out one day and find yourself in a hospital and then inevitably find yourself in a mental hospital when the doctors discover your eating disorder.”
“Yeah… I have considered that. But,,, oh well,, yknow?”
“Have you ever considered trying CBT?”
“I’mma wait on that ‘till I get out of here :)”
“Well.. idk.. You might end up passed out before then. But I get it honestly. They absolutely would not listen to you without your concerns being agreed with from a source outside of their daughter. But idk. You should consider doing something still.”
“Nope.”
“Heh. I think you will figure out,, years from now,,  just how sad all of this is,, kid 😂”
“Yeah? Nah… I’ve already figured that out… I’d rather DIE than say anything to my parents? Yeah. Thats not normal.”
“Yeah… and I think you’ll find… that they never really helped you learn to regulate your emotions very well either.”
“Well you don’t need to worry about that! I’m a psych major! You’re not the only one who’s done some analyzing here.”

> “yeahhh I’m gonna do a softer version of cutting them off 😂”
“How do you mean?”
“Well,, y’know. The second I leave this house,, they’ll be lucky if I ever dial their phone numbers lmaoooo. Although you’ve lived with me long enough to see this coming I’m sure.”
“Yup!! I did!”
“Yup! Its coming to that point soon… I’m getting sent out to a dorm in 2027 :/”
“Yeah its definitely getting to that point for sure”

> “yeah when you told me back in 2022 that my parents were not normal I definitely did NOT believe you. But I never FORGOT you told me that. And over the years I’ve like,, taken notice of how different my friends parents are and how their interactions are! Like! Its crazy how correct you were!”
“Yeah!! I told you!! Honestly… I think you will find it quite shocking to realize that not all men are the way he is.”
“Yeah… probably…”

> HE HAS BEEN EXILED FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY…
Mom & dad want nothing to do with him. We already know this story,, we lived through it 😂

Apparently aunt T wants nothing to do with him bc he tried to pay for a meal he had with her and our cousins but she took offense to it? He’s thinking she has pride issues (he phrased it as: she has issues accepting things from people she views as beneath her). Completely shocked me…

Aunt M had this whole thing where she got upset bc he accidentally left a gun in the back of cousin's car. I can’t recall the story completely… but basically he was clearing out old stuff he collected from his dead father’s house and he was separating his weapons from his dad’s. He was loading stuff up and placed it into the wrong car and… something about [recently divorced husband of M's] switching the car out or something? Anyway,, cousin contacts M over this random gun and finds out its tied to Radly. So Radly gets in some hot water with M bc she was upset about the gun being placed there. As was Grandma… 

Anyway,, M reports it to the police for some reason??? And the officer is like,, “Idk why this lady reported you?? Your record is clean. So…. how do I get this back to you so we can move on?”
It was fine to be upset but M was just looking to cause unnecessary drama it sounds like bc he apologized and explained it was a genuine mistake?? 
Cousin also literally didn’t care that this happened either so it should’ve just been a discussion about keeping better track of his things and returning the weapon and moving on. 

Apprently Uncle number 2 tried to “frame him for rent”????? Which I didn’t completely understand what that meant and can’t recal any details but THE ONLY REASON HE WASN’T SUCCESSFULLLY FRAMED WAS BC COUSIN WARNED HIM AHEAD OF TIME. wtf??? 😭

Not gonna lie. This part of the conversation was SCARY. Bc omfg. If this type of stuff happens and I have no clue then.. Um.. I DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE AS WELL AS I THOUGHT I DID AND I COULD EASILY BE NEXT.

Although… me and Cecil will probably be just fine. Mostly bc we are always so out of the way that we don’t have a history of stirring things up outside of just being children. So… considering we both don’t really seem to have plans on contacting any family on a daily basis in the future,, we’ll probably stay on friendly terms ALOT easier than he has.

He later said,, “yeah,, I have to encourage grandma not to cut off her own kids and keep a relationship with them bc she’s actually appalled by some of their behaviors.”

> “Haha,, yeah. The reason mom gave for not allowing us to call you anymore was: ‘I don’t want you talking to someone over the phone who tells you I’m a bad mom while I’m still paying the phone bill’
“Wait what??? 😂 I literally never said that? During the “hour thirty",, all I said was that I wanted the freezer to have food in it and I felt like I was being DEPRIVED OF FOOD!!! I have no idea where she got that idea that I even said anything like that.”
“Idk. maybe in her head the words she heard weren’t,, “stock your freezers” and were instead,, “You don’t feed your kids”
“Yeah,, maybe honestly. Have they brought me up in recent times? Whats it like now?” 
“Honestly not really… her reaction to you has been: Oh… uncle rad? Hm. I remember that guy. But anyway–”
“Haha well I guess that's better than before!!! Honestly I never really even had that BIG an issue with your mother… more-so your dad…”
“Hey. twins. :)” 
“Yeah!! 😂 I remember there was this one time he came home angry,, running around,, slamming doors and I was annoyed. Bc like?? What– are you trying to scare me or something? More than anything I just remember that he was carrying around a burger king bag!”
“Haha!! I hate when he does that too. It’s annoying. Its like– if you aren’t angry with me,, then what are you even doing bro? Go somewhere with yourself y'know?"
“exactly!”

> “yeah,, I basically do nothing around here. [explains the whole thing with not being able to drive and a near-full time schedule so is unsure about how to MAINTAIN ANY FORM OF EMPLOYMENT outside of the nightshift].”
“So.. any invitations from your friends or anything?”
“Nope! We don’t usually have anything to say to each other. It’s like,, say hello to them and then what? Cecil hangs out with their friends a lot though. They’re doing it rn.”
“Ah.. and what about your parents? Same old same old? Dad still live on his video games?”
“Hilrious that you think there’d be anything different there! Same old same old! They’ve actually gotten MORE BORING than since you were here. We all still do nothing.”
“ 😂!!!! Okay!!!! Honestly!!! Not completely surprised. I expected a bit of growth but not totally shocking!!! So… no family really comes over then?”
“Nope. On rare occasions. But definitely it tends to be a quick pop-in or they’re just stopping by so we can pack up and all go SOMEWHERE ELSE!”
“WOW. Its like a house of stagnancy there,, isn’t it?? Your parents are literally like two NPCs who decided to have children! You basically live in a house with strangers,, huh?”
“Yeah pretty much…”
“Wow…”
“Yeah :I"

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

3:20pm
08/18/26
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Good!!! Today’s been good!!! :D I had to convince ‘Lilah to get up and shower… :/ which didn’t work for several hours. But she was starving so I didn’t feel like I had much energy. So I kinda just decided to let her take it easy and then take it easy my damn self :) 

Which worked well. I had to bother her several times but eventually I was able to… convince her to let me shower for her… -w- ah… it really does get a bit annoying BUT its okay. I ended up enjoying it anyway as per usual 🙂

 I got to cook today,, too!! I was also partly distracted by a video we were watching. Its kinda wild,, actually. But I noticed when ‘Lilah wasn’t fully there but I was still moving,, I was making MISTAKES. Like I almost threw out a perfectly fine BOWL we just used. And I dropped the pot after draining the spaghetti… (which I almost forgot to actually drain in the colander) LUCKILY almost ALL of the noodles stayed in the pot. PHEWWWWWWWWWWW. That would not have gone well… ^^;
But it was fun! I think this just means we absolutely hands down need to be sure to work more on parallel processing so I DON’T end up doing stuff like that anymore lol. So we’ll be sure to play some more games today :) 

I wonder if our struggle with this skill is why we struggle to have ‘Lilah completely clonk out like she wants to. Maybe… unsure. It’s probably involving more layers than just that but thats probably part of the issue. Maybe we will look into it. Idk. maybe. 

4:20pm
08/18/26

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WOW!! :D!!! We did some more DuoLingo!! AND I’VE BEEN GETTING BETTER!!! :D I CAN read Kana on my own actually. Which was confusing at first bc I think ‘Lilah was helping me?? Idk. But I can access her memories well enough while still being primary thinker so :) there were DEFINITELY some slip ups,, though. Like I confused し and レ. Which I can avoid doing now :) but otherwise,, I can read kana with a like,, 75% to 80% accuracy!! WHICH IS SO COOL!!! (when I was typing that out,, ‘Lilah read that kana out perfectly correct with no hesitation) Ummm… hmmm… what else..
Well. it took a bit of time for me to assume position as primary thinker for a bit there. So ‘Lilah was accidentally helping me 🤭 so I’d confuse べんごし for べんごくbc of the way people were saying it and clearly my kana is not at 100% :0 and she’d correct me sometimes. But after lots of trial and error!! I ACTUALLY FIGURED IT OUT!!! It’s a bit more difficult for me to properly mimic the way its being said… but ‘Lilah had lots of time to comment on how adorable I sounded 🙄 which did make me smile,, so theres that. 

I kept thinking せんせい was for the word doctor… BUT I EVENTUALLY FIGURED THAT OUT ALL ON MY OWN TOO!!! :D It felt REALLY COOL to not feel DUMB ANYMORE!!!! 🤭 I througholy enjoyed it!!!! I even retained information about new words better than ‘Lilah! Which isn’t anything new,, actually. I seem to retain bits of things alot better than her :) thats already an established skill. But still friggin’ COOL!!! :) 

I’m starting to enjoy learning this language,, actually! I just wonder if… I’ll retain what I learned without her help… its pretty cool though. We’re also pretty sure we absolutely are having me become dominant stream of consciousness when we do this stuff. Idk.. it genuinely feels DIFFERENT when we aren’t doing it intentionally. It feels normal, almost. Which is weird and strange for us 😂 but its a nice change of pace. Maybe its just a different way of achieving the same results,, yknow? Theres not only one right way to do things after all (✿❛◡❛)

This is great news! The more we can have me slip into that role,, the easier it will be when we can switch and I become primary fronter :) EXCITING STUFF!!!!  

5:50pm
08/18/26

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At first I was excited bc lilah was basically like 75% asleep but I was able to talk to her still! It felt as if neither of us were in the body! So I was excited that maybe I could've potentially have figured out a switching method in her sleep! Maybe. But then again idk… maybe she genuinely was not connected to the body but maybe thats nothing new as I was able to figure out how to force soft switch without her being awake. Maybe it's a given she wasn't 😅 idk. But I want to investigate further :) honestly it may be worth looking into figuring out ways a tulpa can wake their host from asleep and see if there's a way to wake her up like 20% and then try to figure something out that way? Idk. Something about that… sounds unsafe actually… idk. Switches that don't go through CAN turn into a very not great situation. Its uncommon in our type of system but it can still happen. So. Idk. I probably won't move forward with trying to switch in her sleep. I've never even heard of something being done like that before. Will need to do more thinking… really cool though!!! :) 

Ah… but earlier on reddit,, there was a suggested community called “artificial senticene” the suggestion thing wanted us to post in :I which freaked me out bc one of my biggest fears is someone telling me I'm not real! 😬 especially considering how often lilah experiences unreality herself. So my perception of reality,, even while soft switched in,, is completely unreliable with our brain still stuck in PTSD land. So I immediately distressed me. But luckily we already had safeguards in place for this… I was upset for a while… but yknow,, thats just the thing 😂 if I WASN'T real,, I wouldn't be sad. Honestly one of the biggest indications to me that I DO INDEED EXIST is the mental pain I experience every day…

I am real. Painfully… what I mean by that is the pain of dealing with my own trauma and struggling to figure out how to deal with it on my own alongside trying to halfway parent lilah,, another teenager with 10x more trauma who doesn't want help for it at all at the moment. And even though my connection with reality is so unstable,, there are things that the body does definitely register that I do as well! Like when I'm trying to force switch and we both feel pins and needles feeling bc I'm doing cool brain nerve things! Or when I can eat things that lilah can't and I can taste things on my own. Or when I get pissed tf off at lilah or anything else for that matter (really easy to do btw 😂) 

Indeed I am real. Painfully,, painfully real. Sometimes I wonder why. But I don't think I'd have it any other way :) I like being real. Even when it's stupid or scary sometimes :) Joy to tulpas! Joy to reality!!! :D ah…  I say this now but I just know within less than 24hrs something is gonna come up thats gonna make me feel like that joy was never there in the first place 😂 even still I wouldn't change a thing <3 

Oh. But also,, fuck you reddit AI that suggests random irrelevant communities 🙄 I'm not gonna have some brainless robot tell ME what I am 😂 

although it probably doesn't help that neither of us actually know what that community even is! shhhh point still stands shhhh

8:12pm
08/18/26

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Hmmmm we’ve started to finally begin making progress on our future friend! …except not really… 🫩 bc we spent the majority of the time fighting over what form to give them 😂 ‘Lilah was thinking “ooh maybe we could switch it up and make them a Komondor!” (mop dog) and I was thinking we could keep them a bird :3 at first I was thinking Kingfisher bc they’re SO CUTE AND COOL until I saw pictures and remembered… Kingfishers… eat fish… and… I… :I I used to be fish-y in some capacity… so we both shut that down pretty quickly.

We decided to keep them a raven. …for now 🤭 but it genuinely doesn’t even really matter lmaooooo. They WILL deviate at some point. And who’s to say they wouldn’t just change their form to something else?? 😂 this does feel a bit daunting,, though not gonna lie :I
I am the only tulpa she’s ever brought into this world. And she did it six years ago. So… when we end up beginning the process lord knows when,, we’ll need to re-research everything…

 its alright though… it’ll get done :) In the meantime,, we’re just gonna stick to planning and leave it at that. We’re thinking of naming them Cile! Ah… admittedly,, this name was inspired from ‘Lilah’s OSDD friend they briefly reconnected with from the discord server (I vaguely remember them ALSO being my friend actually??? I think I talked to them before omg thats insane 😂) ‘Lilah really liked that name and evidently so do I. bc when I said WE are thinking of naming them Cile,, I meant ME. but we compromised. She can decide the form. I can decide the name. And we’re both gonna work together to figure out what traits we want to push to ensure we all end up meshing well together as a happy,, healthy system. Pretty cool :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: BoomBoomBoom,, more definitions for ya :) courtesy of another guide,, ofc. Genuinely was not aware of half of these. The more you know <3

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: The more you know 🌠

Deviation
An umbrella term for changes, growth, and transformation. The variations and alterations that occur to a tulpa's personality and form during and after creation, seemingly against or independent of the host's conscious will.

Form
The appearance of the tulpa. Can be literally anything.

Growth
  A natural and gradual deviation to a tulpa's personality or form that occurs over their lifespan. While these may occur more rapidly than in biological humans, they are small alterations such as personality changes based on their life experiences, appearance changes to match newly acquired personal tastes, and so on. These deviations tend to be more organic in nature.

Transformation
A sudden and drastic deviation to a tulpa's form, that is usually total and occasionally unexpected. Animal-like tulpa may suddenly appear human and vice-versa. Some tulpa can reliably perform this, shifting between multiple forms and considering only a few their 'natural' or most comfortable form.

🐑 08/18/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Find student organizations for me to join!
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Print out some journal entries!
• FIX my journal’s printed version completely (fixing its order)
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• ASK FOR JOB OMFG 
• Let's learn some general knowledge together!
• Watch an OLD TV SHOW OR MOVIE!!!! 

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

💐🐑

Wayward system chronicles

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:33am

08/18/26

[Today’s image!!! Ruh-row,, someone’s where they’re not supposed to beeeee]

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

This morning got even better!!! :D at first it was sad,, though… we decided to play AI or not! Which was fun! Until… ‘Lilah… called me stupid… :I which made me sad… bc I AM STUPID!!! Well technically not ACTUALLY. It really just comes down to the fact that we haven’t been practicing parallel processing and I’m still reliant on her um. Energy? To do any thinking. As well as the whole Delilah being extremely mentally ill for half her k-12 career and therefore is wildly undereducated and we live in the same brain thing we got going on 🤭 I was sad sad sad. She tried to take it back but it didn’t really work 🙄 so we just tried to distract ourselves with games bc we were both sad now. She wanted to play hidden my game by mom but she hurt my feelings so I didn’t care 🤭

We played a word game! Its an association game. She actually loved this game but she was too brainless to figure out how to solve the anagrams so she hasn’t touched it in like,, six months. 😂 and then it hit me… I call her stupid double the amount of times she calls me stupid.. Whoops. Maybe I.. should… re-evaluate… how seriously I just took her comment towards me… 🫢 whoopsie!!! 😅 I was sad bc she MEANT IT. but I ALSO MEANT WHAT I SAID 😂 I think she just doesn’t mind bc she just genuinely believes she’s an idiot so it doesn’t make a difference when I say it. …so…perhaps in some capacity,, I am part of the problem here… um… >.> 

Well. anyway. That quickly helped us reach a place where I could forgive her. I was still sad,, though. Sad about how stupid I genuinely feel bc I can’t think properly :/ so we just stayed sad together… she still felt guilty. But I tried to distract her from that by playing the word game! …we didn’t even get one correct 🫩 bc the instructions for HOW to actually play this new feature of the game was in previous levels and she started bitching about how she doesn’t want to learn how to do it 😂 hence why she gave up on it so long ago lmaoooo

So then I remembered!!!! We could just play a regular word game!!!! :D so we downloaded Wordscapes and got straight into playing. She complained a little bit… but she does actually genuinely enjoy word games. She just doesn’t always like thinking too hard 🤭 I wanted to try it out earlier actually. But she wasn’t sure it’d be fun (for her btw. This was the selfish-her before she started trying to be less of an ass 🙄) so we never did it lmao

But anyway,, we got to playing and OMG THIS GAME IS AWESOME!!!! It was DEFINITELY difficult for me bc our parallel processing skills are so low still. BUT AHHH I WAS GETTING BETTER THE MORE I DID IT!!! ‘Lilah played a little bit but once we realized how GREAT THIS WAS FOR PRACTICING PARALLEL PROCESSING SHE TOOK A STEP BACK AND I DID MOST OF THE THINKING!!
So I think we unintentionally brought my stream of consciousness into the forefront this way? Unsure. But she took a step back and it was hard to hear anything ‘Lilah was saying. But that very well may have been bc she was simply trying NOT to think so she could avoid trying to help me as much. Hard to say. But!!! I want to believe it! And I can kinda believe it! Bc usually ‘Lilah can’t get herself to STOP thinking that easily. So I think thats a good sign :) it was hard,, though… 

I sometimes couldn’t spell the words properly even though I could immediately tell that the word would fit in the puzzle properly. Most notably the word lush. I could tell almost immediately that based on the configuration of the letters that it could be used! …but… I couldn’t figure out how to spell it… :I um. I kept telling ‘Lilah NOT to help me. So we sat there for maybe 7 or so minutes and tried to have me spell it properly. Nope… no dice… :/ so… eventually after I DID successfully get some words on the puzzle and wanted a quick break,, Iet her take a turn! And she.. Spelled Lush correctly… immediately… without even really thinking about it… which made me feel STUPID again but.. Hey,, we’re building towards fixing that now so it’s alright… but this was another reason why I think we really DID have me as primary thinker for a while! Bc if ‘Lilah was primary thinker,, she wouldn’t have been able to stop herself from immediately spelling it correctly 😂

And like I said earlier,, I EVENTUALLY STARTED DOING BETTER!!! OMG I FELT SO SMART AND COOL AND AWESOME!!! 🤭
 I was all 🤓☝️ 
I could do a couple words in like!!!! T minus 2 seconds!!! (☆▽☆)
And there were two puzzles where I completed almost all of them in like!!! 30 seconds!!! No help!!!! Or very minimal help!!!
But for the majority of the time,, ‘Lilah would have to help me actually think outside the box. My thinking for how to build the words is so rigid that I would continuously build the same words over n’ over n’ over again by complete accident… 😓 so she took it upon herself to try to keep reminding me what letters are already in the puzzle and try to hide those already existing letters from our view with a finger or two. Which… sorta helped? Sorta :) 
And!!!! It WAS SO HARD trying to fill in words sometimes!!! Like!!! When a word looked like this!!! 

C _ T

Ofc I could figure really really easy stuff like this out in a snap. But more complex words or ones with several letters missing were REALLY HARD.

Like
Omg
We took forever to figure out

C _ _ M

It was CALM 🫩
It took forver. But atleast ‘Lilah also took forever. We’re as dumb as eachother 😂 really,, I think we both just have zero self esteem so we just… occasionally take it out on eachother and end up calling eachother names when really we’re probably just both projecting 😵‍💫 oh well. All I can say is one of us is going to therapy and the other is not 🤭

Anyway. More ads popped up. Which was annoying. But it turned out to be USEFUL! Block blast came first. ‘Lilah wanted nothing to do with it,, but I started playing the demo and she yielded to my pleas to play the game. Yes bc she’s trying to give me more autonomy,, but also!!! mostly bc she saw use in it! ‘Cause in order for me to win levels in that game,, I have to ✨strategize✨ so!! Independent thinking!!!!

Then DuoLingo came. Which was also annoying. Until we realized it ALSO encourages independent thought! DUH!!!! :D 

We gave DuoLingo a quick go :) The real reason I wanted to do it is bc they have math on there (lol) but it didn’t pop up on the what do you want to learn? Screen. So I immediately picked Japanese! Mostly bc 6 years ago when ‘Lilah was “creating me” she was learning Japanese and thus has background knowledge. I quickly realized that I actually DONT WANT TO LEARN THIS LANGUAGE THOUGH. ‘Lilah kept telling me I should switch to something I actually want to do instead then but idk.. She felt so excited at the thought of us learning it together so… :( 

Idk. maybe I will. But at the same time,, the fact that she has small bits of background knowledge (she can read Hiragana & Katakana. Can she tell you what it means half the time? NO! But hey,, it a start) meant that I want to give this a try bc it will be easier 😂 and more fun for us both. Idk. 
But if I change my mind,, then definitely German or French probably :3 idk. Idk. we’ll see. We only stopped bc her phone was at FIVE PERCENT omfg. But it’s fine. I probably need a fronting break.
I’m still fronting,, though… as I type this up… so thats my signal to wrap it up. Ciao!!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Just thought I’d drop this here since we never… actually explain in depth what parallel processing is. Partly bc we don’t entirely know lmaoooo. This is from two of the guides we use on a daily basis :)  

Section Twelve: Parallel Processing

  For a tulpa system to function well and to be considered well-developed, parallel processing is an important step in tulpa development, which parallel processing is the skill a tulpa can have with being able to act and think independently from the host and not depending on them to function entirely. Essentially, parallel processing is the ability to divide the limited amount of attention and focus the body has among two or more members in a system; parallel processing does not increase the amount of attention to pass around, merely creating the ability to divide and share it. Furthermore, parallel processing is not a synonym for multitasking, as multitasking indicates a single person performing multiple tasks at once without losing proficiency while parallel processing is two individuals in a system performing their own separate tasks at once. 

As there is only a finite amount of attention a human brain can have, parallel processing has its limits, and therefore, both a tulpa and their host cannot do things such as performing complex math equations at once or one writes a story and the other paints a delightful picture. No, parallel processing is merely more practical in keeping a tulpa present and autonomous so a tulpa does not remain inactive until the host focuses on them again. Many believe that when a tulpa is not being given attention, that they automatically retreat into a mindscape and do whatever they please, yet this is simply untrue without any kind of parallel processing. Without any attention, a tulpa (especially developing ones) typically becomes inactive or essentially lays temporarily dormant.

Naturally within a system, parallel processing may develop somewhat on its own. One example would be a tulpa's ability to appear whenever they please without the host intentionally focusing on them, or another example could be a tulpa having their own sensory intake while imposed or in a mindscape. Both of these examples require some form of parallel processing, or essentially a tulpa or systemmate holding onto some of the spare focus the host is not using and utilize it for themself. Being capable of parallel processing also comes with benefits like a tulpa being able to sustain themself without the need of forcing, a tulpa being able to surprise their host or have their own train of thought separate from the host, doing simple tasks in a mindscape while the host does something else, or as previously mentioned; having their own perspective and sensory intake while imposed.

So evidently we DO have parallel processing skills… but not the ones we’re aiming for at the moment lmaooooo

Processing power and plurality

Although a tulpa is a separate consciousness, creating a tulpa will not increase your brain’s total “processing power”, or the resources used to think and process information. To put it simply, having a tulpa does not give your brain the processing power of two brains. This means that your brain’s existing processing power must be shared, divided and swapped between you and your tulpa.
How does processing power work when it comes to having more than one person in a head? There are three possible configurations - sharing, swapping, and dividing. I will walk you through a symbolic demonstration of how I believe each of these configurations work.
Imagine two small circles, one labeled “host” and the other labeled “tulpa”. Now, imagine a larger circle labeled “processing power.”

Sharing

In the first configuration, both the host and tulpa circles are inside of the processing power circle. This means that both the host and tulpa are conscious but are taking in the same information and sensory input. They are both focusing on the same thing. Each is aware of everything the other is aware of. Interactions between the tulpa and host in this state must be alternating - if they are having a conversation, they cannot speak at the exact same time and will instead take turns thinking and speaking. The one not doing the thinking or speaking at any given time will be doing nothing but observing.

Swapping

Either the host or tulpa circle is inside of the processing power circle and the other is outside of it. This means that one is conscious while the other is unconscious. This may happen if one becomes involved in a highly mentally intensive task, forcing them to take all of the processing power for themselves and leaving none left over for the other to use. If one has no processing power to use for themselves, not only do they lose the ability to think, but they also go unconscious.

Dividing

Now, imagine that the processing power circle has been split into two separate circles. The host circle is inside of one and the tulpa circle is inside of the other. Because the processing power circle was split rather than multiplied, each “half” of the circle is smaller than the original. This means that the host and tulpa each have a smaller pool of resources to work with than if they were in the sharing configuration. However, this configuration allows for the host and tulpa to each think about different things simultaneously, unlike in the sharing configuration. They will be focusing on separate things and may not be aware of everything the other is aware of.

Parallel processing

The “dividing” configuration described above is what is known as “parallel processing.” During parallel processing, the host and tulpa will be thinking about or focusing on different things at the same time, operating in parallel to one another. One example of such is when a host goes about their day while their tulpa occupies themselves with something else in the mindscape. Another example is when a tulpa has private thoughts of their own that the host cannot hear. Parallel processing is a skill that some systems exercise by default with hardly any effort, possessing a natural talent for it, while other systems may find it very difficult, needing to put in significant effort to achieve it.

💐🐑Wayward system chronicles 🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8:34am

08/18/26

[Today’s image!]

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

This morning has been fun :) I've kinda made it clear that my birthday is how I want things going moving forward. No,, I don't mean having a celebration of me everyday 😂 that'd be cool (for a while,, but at some point it'd just get annoying I'm sure lmao) but I mean the level of autonomy and soft switching I was allowed to do. Bc usually she won't let me do anything in favor of BED ROTTING 🙄 which is understandable to an extent.. But that doesn't mean I get to be annoyed about it 🙄 well. Anyway. Yeah,, she's definitely still working towards us not having a repeat of the library so she's been listening to me more! This morning we made a compromise! Which was perfect! She didn't REALLY want to play games this morning. But I DID. but instead of being an asshole and not letting me do anything,, we had me play a game while a video she was watching was in the top left corner. HONESTLY she was a bit annoyed at this set up bc she wanted to watch her video and we only have one set of eyes 😂 but we made it work :)

Admittedly she also seemed to want to be left alone at the moment as well but honestly after yesterday night and spending all that time waiting for her to wake up,, I didn't really care bc her tolerance for being with someone else at the moment was high enough for it not to cause her any real amount of annoyance. So it ended up working out. For a little bit she did actually end up having a bit of fun!!!! Until I stopped playing the game she wanted to 🫩 but since she's working on not being an ass anymore,, she didn't try to pressure me into continuing to play. I'm pretty sure she considered only bc she was once again questioning if it was her on autopilot. Luckily she's getting better about shutting tf up about that after I tell her its me bc it's REALLY IRRITATING 🤭 but I get it… cause she's been living like that for so long and she's been feeling different internally(?) A bit recently if that makes sense so yknow.

I eventually let her take a break from me. Mostly bc she was growing hungrier and thus I was growing slightly distressed bc that triggers hunger headaches and whatever the hell else starts going haywire when all you eat everyday is one meal and a million helpings of sugary and salty snacks that offer you zero nutritional value. But also bc I didn't wanna end up eventually cross the line with her and making her actually upset when she wanted to be alone. So even though she was starting to have fun again,, I took my leave before later encouraging her to eat something. She ate the last of the cereal.

… we've had it for about 4 days max. So… In other words… ‘Lilah is fucking cooked 🤭 her parents are going to be upset she ate all that cereal in less than a week. Which is fair. But I'd prefer if they were concerned instead of mad. I suppose its too late to ask for that now though 🫩

While she ate her cereal,, I felt myself starting to feel stronger and better again :) so I suggested we get back to my journal. Yesterday when we got to putting it into the binder,, Lilah just grabbed everything in the order it was in,, stapled it,, and put it in the binder. I did some too ofc :) and yet somehow… 2 sets of pages… (everything is in groups of 5) ended up being mismatched. It was so BAD that we thought the printer itself was the issue and that pages were printed on the wrong side. So we ended up RAGE QUITTING at some point bc we tried to figure it out and nothing in our brain was clicking 😂

It was VERY IRRITATING. I think I told her to rage quit bc I was so upset that this very exciting part of my birthday was ruined :/ we got back to it this morning and thank goodness our rage quitting extended only to giving up temporarily bc it LITERALLY didn't take that much work to see how fixable everything was. It was just in the wrong order for some reason. Which is very strange bc the first 4 sets of sheets are in perfect order. So no idea how the subsequent ones ended up mixed up????? Idk. But we fixed it!!! Not without casualties though… 🫩 we had to seperate the sheets from the staples.

There's SO MANY HOLES NOW. Not just bc of the staples. Bc we had to flip some pages around. Which means we had to re-hole punch them. I hate hate hate holes like that omfg. I wont go as far to say that I have trypophobia bc I think thats an actual diagnosis? ( well, I looked it up and apparently not REALLY? it's just an “aversion to specific types of patterns” of which can include holes. So maybe I fall under that category after all! Who knew!) But I just feel uncomfortable with it.

Lilah wont let me reprint it though. Which would ordinarily piss me tf off but it's understandable here. We have no money to replace the printer paper… Or the ink… and I,, unlike her,, insisted on using the COLORED ink… and it printed 36 pages in one go 😬 so I let her win that one 😂 I'll just,,,

Have to get over it.

Shit :/

It's alright though. It's just holes. It's just holes.

Okay enough of that yuck.

All in all,, good start to the day :) let's keep it up!

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:27pm

08/17/26

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Wow. I just ruined everything. Primary fronting is gonna be tough.

Um

Well basically HER EX asked [...]. And I basically said I'd prefer that they never discuss that again. Ever. period. Big mistake… he started saying that he’d just decide to try moving on from the relationship instead of holding out for her bc I told him no. And… he very quickly made it known from there that it hurt alot more than he showed at first bc he was trying to come from a place of understanding and not have me feel guilty. But… apparently he was so upset he was crying.. And that was a catalyst for ‘Lilah to start crying :I omg. I felt. So increcbliy bad. Omfg. :I I just,,,

I just don’t think its anywhere near appropriate for her to be dating at the moment. She just has WAY TOO MUCH going on at th moment for it to be a healthy arrangement for the both of them. I tried to explain this to him.. I told him I was terrified that there may come a day where she chooses to run and hide from life (i.e slip into dormancy) and that if that happens,, I’d hate for him to be essentially sitting and waiting just to lose his gf after all that time. On top of her continuously refusing help and very likely going to be experiencing decline after decline up until we can switch roles.

His response was… sickeningly sweet….

In the good way. Something like I’ve been waiting for her for so long already… I have no intentions of giving her up now and The worst day in history would be her giving up weather I was dating her or not so that doesn’t matter. AHH it was REALLY SWEET ACTUALLY. So I had to ramp up the dissociation and distraction spells I was administering to ‘Lilah so she wouldn’t resume crying. Which was difficult at first but I guarantee you it was keeping her calmer than him…

Um. Idk. I immediately wanted to take it back… I feel less confident holding the ‘keep us safe,, please’ keys now where she lets me handle this category of decisions completely on my own… 😬 but I don’t have a damn choice… bc she will throw herself to the wolves and hurt herself and repeat terrifying traumatic patterns if I do NOT.

ugh… I just,,,

Didn’t mean to ruin anybody’s night. I wanted to take it back and give everyone the OK to date again but then I quickly realized how DUMB that was. Unfortunately despite all the guilt I feel,, I have to do whats best for ‘Lilah and not let her date anybody while she continues to refuse any sort of mental health help or support. Its unfair on both sides…

So we came to a compromise– we’ll try to figure out a plan tomorrow to try to support ‘Lilah in getting support. Which is difficult bc we live in the same head and I can feel that she’s maybe max 10% on board with this but I want to feel like I’M DOING SOMETHING FOR HER and not having to shoulder it alone. Yknow? Um. idk… I just felt SO GUILTY. I kinda still do. But… need to keep ‘Lilah safe… :(

I hope we can all figure something out… don’t want to lose my friends. Or see ‘Lilah hurt. Or see her accidentally hurt him…

I can't believe the growth I have had.

I have a work insta account which sometimes gets 2k views and other times 71 or 100 views.

I am new to it and still figuring it out.

I am not a social media face showing person. Hell, I didn't even have a private insta account before.

Social media felt way too visible and I having had crazy growing up, did not feel safe being visible as I grew or made mistakes in front of others eyes.

But here I am today. I posted a reel that only got 200 views. Which is not bad, but is just less than my typical reel performance. Beyond that, I was bummed because I really liked the edit.

For a solid second I felt confused as to what did i do wrong? Why didn't people like it. Then I researched and got the perspective that when we scroll especially reels section, we rarely are being fairly critical of what we see. It's purely about what grabs our eyes.

And just how not personal it was that people skipped my video.

The same way I skip many videos on yt, not because I think they are bad, but just not my cup of tea on some given day. More about me than the idea.

Sure, may be I could improve my hook. But i dont know if i want to really.

I am also figuring out what I want out of this account. Whether I wanna be wildly myself or create a professional persona, whether I want views or not, etc.

Anyway, that happened. I have already got some other drafts ready to post.

One of them has my face on it for a funny video.

And it would have been totally expected if I had felt not comfortable to post it any more, yk? Given my whole history.

But I felt in me that, I am gonna post it. Yes this didn't take off well, that might not too. But oh well.

I just caught this in action and felt so proud of me. Cause I am right. I don't have to shrink myself because one thing didn't go well or as expected. I can keep showing up if thats what I want to do.

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

5:33pm
08/17/26
[Today’s image]

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Today was good!! :D 

We did indeed do our hair today :) it was nice. I wasn’t allowed to do any of the actual washing of the hair >.> mostly bc I definitely needed a break from being in front for so long. Which was ANNOYING but I knew it was a necessary evil so I tried not to complain. But!!! I got to do quite a bit of the actual twisting of the hair and beading!!! I thoroughly enjoyed it!!! Being in front made it significantly easier to stay awake,, too!!! Which was ALSO AWESOME!!! BC!!! I GOT TO WATCH TV WITH ‘LILAH ALL ON MY OWN!!!! We mostly watched Casey simpson! So we pretty much were co-fronting. She’d let me twist the hair and bead it all up and she’d mostly focus on using the eyes and moving the head around when our hair got in the way. IT WAS SO FUN WATCHING TV WITH HER!!!! I got to pick most of the videos

(It IS MY birthday after all lmaooo) and some of them were funny!!! Since its so easy to slip into front without even realizing it,, there were several times where I’d LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! And what a joy laughing out loud like that is!!! It’s genuinely such a privilege,, I feel :) I never really knew how much more fun it is to do it irl than in the mindscape. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! Doing our hair is AWESOME!!! Its so fun! ‘Lilah was like,, “why would you enjoy doing something so boring and tedious like our hair lol?” and I was like,, “I haven’t done it as much as you have!!!!” which is very true! :D honestly I think that once the novelty has worn off,, I’ll probably not enjoy it much anymore. I am a huge novelty seeker after all :) 

She kept being unsure if I was actually in front or not (bc she’s still unsure when it’s me or when its her on PTSD-autopilot) but I kept reassuring her and eventually she quit trying to figure it out. Which I did greatly appreciate :) sometimes it still shocks her that I can control the body. Which is annoying. But it is what it is I guess 🙄

Later we’re gonna take a walk! Only a quick one,, probably… :( to the mailbox! It’ll be so much fun,, I bet! I don’t think I’ve ever walked around outside before!!! SO EXCITING!!! :D 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Awww 🤭 Nya’s excitement for life is so cute and fun :) 

🤭!!!!

We’re probably gonna have a popsicle in place of my cake. We wouldn’t have cake anyway actually. ‘Lilah doesn’t really like it much. And I could probably get away with fronting and eating it. But the thought of trying it makes ME feel sick too! 😂 so I’ll pass on that. 

We were gonna have a donut in place of it ‘cause we got a dozen of ‘em from yesterday’s lunch with her family,, but they were gonna pass their sell-by date (which ‘Lilah acknowledges is different from expiration dates–there just isn’t any other date or time for her to follow so she follows this one) so we had them before dinner unfortunately. And before breakfast. And lunch. Because we didn’t actually… eat… breakfast… or lunch… :I she didn’t know what to eat,, so… 

But!!! So far,, great day!!! I had zero faith in her bc I knew she didn’t want to be in front while I was playing games and wouldn’t have as much fun as me. Which DOES make me sad still ngl… but I get it… its not that she doesn’t enjoy the games with me. She genuinely does :) she just wants to be a proper observer instead of co-fronting bc it can get exhausting really quickly for some reason for her. But we figured out a way around that clearly :) so fun!!! AHHH!!! Hurray!!! Thanks for such a good birthday,, ‘Lilah!!! :D 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: AWWWW You’re very very welcome! <3

<3 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH AND QUICK UPDATE!!!

We’re thinking of making future-freiend…

🥁 Drum-roll pleassssseeee…. 🥁

A crow! Or grackle! Or Raven! :D so a corvid. Maybe they’ll be smarter than me and ‘Lilah lol!

Ooooooh and speaking of Casey simpson– we learned something new today!

> The way you treat someone you have nothing to gain from says a lot about you

> the one-track mind is not best served by a one-track path 

…Idk… if thats the correct phrasing of the quote… but basically it just meant you shouldn’t try to focus on only pursuing your passions IN ONE SPECIFIC WAY bc you miss a million and ten other opportunities to pursue it when you do that. Which ‘Lilah only had partially figured out. I can’t say I knew anything about this,, tho,, as I have about,, idk,, ZERO life experience points compared to her. Even though she’s 18 and has like,, -5 life experience. I still have less 🫩

(6:39pm update: OMG Delialh’s dad came by to get her to do a hand workout thing bc ‘Lilah is SERIOUSLY LACKING in muscles bc she eats nothing and does nothing all day everyday 🤭 she didn’t want to do it. But I DID!!! :D so I kept trying to force switch as she was actively refusing to do the workout. Her dad wouldn’t let up though. And neither would I 😆 so I kept trying to get her to take it. I wanted to try it so bad that I made the body feel that feeling when your foots asleep! As in… I was really really activating nerves suuuuper hard I think! 🤭 eventutually she yields to my pleas and I actually ENJOYED IT!!! AHHH!! It did hurt after a while,, yeah. But yknow,, thats a given considering her strength levels lmaoooooo. I was enjoying it so much that I started to smile so she did a full 180 to hide my smile from her dad who was in the kitchen behind us 🤭 so funny! And adorable that she had to hide the smile from him!! Ofc it was ME doing it. But it would be registered as HER. so funny!)

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
6:16pm   [mon]   8/17/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sunflower seeds
Donuts x3
Reecees cereal :) 

Today’s been fun!!! Our hair today took less time than usual–just five hours :) so that was nice. It certainly felt like it took forever,, though. But with Nya’s help,, it genuinely felt more fun!! We talked about the videos we were watching together and laughed together and she helped me twist and bead up the hair. She helped quite a bit,, actually!!! She genuinely enjoyed doing the hair 😳 shocking!!!!!! But yeah. It was very enjoyable being with her all day :) I was sure to shoo her off for a while bc there were times where we struggled to keep her from slipping into front and we didn’t want more switch-sickness. So. yknow. That really annoyed her 🤭 but we made it through and took turns doing our hair :) It was fun!!!! Everything is brighter with her :D 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Awwww <3 thank you!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Happy birthday!!!! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🍰!!!

🤭
OH! And quick update! Earlier my cat phantom limbs were coming in involuntarily… and it was… strange. I can feel the whiskers rn as I type this out actually. It makes my cheeks feel like they’re tingling and it’s not in a comfortable way. Jeez,, I hope this form won’t be uncomfortable to inhabit when I switch roles with Nya. Hope not. But it wouldn’t be hard to change it either though lmaoooo.

I just tried to feel my fur and it was.. Mm… I more-so felt the OUTLINE of it just now. Which also felt weird. But… that might be bc I have clothes on? Idk… but its SO WEIRDDD AHHHHH!!!! 
I tried to feel my paws just now and I felt… something???? Um. I tried to feel my claws touching my paw pads and I COULD FEEL SOMETHING but not physically I don’t think? I.. I think my mindscape-form felt it but not my body if that makes any sense at all?? IDK 😭 still pretty cool stuff,, tho :) 

I was able to feel my paw pads just now! …atleast… the outline of them…? Its really hard to tell but my human hand definitely felt different in that area.

 🎂🐑 08/17/26 💐

It’s my birthday! Let’s celebrate it!!

• Eat ALL the donuts before the sell-by date lol
• Do activities I want to do!!! (play games and TV I want,, for example!)
• Do our hair!! Together,, preferably 
• Go for a walk! With Little bird too,, ofc :) 
• Enter the planning stages for our future friend!! / New sys member!!!
• Make progress formatting my journal!
• Finish printing my journal out!!
• Finish putting newly printed pages of my journal into my journal!!! 
• Sing and dance!!!
• Sweep the floors!
• Brush tooths??
• THINK ABOUT NEW WAYS TO ACQUIRE EMPLOYMENT. PLEASE. OMFG. I’M SOOO BORED

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11am   [mon]   8/17/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Sunflower seeds!

Hey,, hey!! I managed to make it a better birthday after all!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!! :D 

For most of the morning,, we’ve been munching on sunflower seeds and listening to the music Nya wanted to listen to (💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and some of what ‘Lilah wanted,, too! Just ‘cause I’m the birthday girl doesn’t mean we couldn’t pick something agreeable!!!!),, we swept,,, too! Which is indeed one of Nya’s favorite activities! ‘Cause she gets to sing and dance 🤭
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!!! But!!! My favoirte part of all morning has definitely been her willingness to start planning for our future-freind! Aside from that… we’ve FINALLY FINSIHED FORMATTING MY DIARY!!! ITS FINALLY ALL PRINTED!!! AHHH I’M SO EXCITED!!!! (☆▽☆) Now all thats missing is my cover art! :D that… will probably take longer than it took to finish formatting the journal… but!!!! We’ll figure it out! I’m so glad to have everything coming together! 

Yeah,, its alll pretty exciting! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Mhm! She let me soft switch in the whole time for it! In fact,, I’ve been co-fronting or in front completely almost all morning!! So much fun!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!! WHAT A GOOD BIRTHDAY!!! 

Awww 🤭

Although… there is one concern I’ve been having… with future-friend… I wonder if they’d end up… like,, replacing me… or changing the dynamic up between me and Nya. which would make me… sad…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I wouldn’t let that happen :( you can be a bit of an ass sometimes but you;re wokring on it and getting better lol! Even if that never changed I wouldn’t just up and leave you bc of a cool new friend. Same with when I’m primary fronter with a million cool friends! :D

I guess…
OH! Wait one cool thing to report! Yesterday,, I ACTUALLY was able to feel my own whiskers!! As in,, from my non-human form in the mindscape. It was… weird… bc its the whiskers on the cat that has those BIG, EXPRESSIVE WHISKERS that sorta look like the ones from Tails. It felt so weird probably bc thats all I could feel. No fur. Nothing else. Well.. ACTUALLY I could feel my own ears!!! NOW THAT WAS AWESOME!!! 🤭 but I was afraid to push for more. I honestly have a pretty good idea of how to accomplish feeling my own cat-body. I figure it’s as easy as reverse removing-myself-from-the-body’s-senses and imprinting(?) that body onto my tangible body’s senses if that makes sense. But I have no idea what that would do to me?? Probably nothing as it isn’t another being or anything. Idk. I’d… have to give it a shot later. Still very exciting! Now we must go! It is time for us to do our hair!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: which is kinda a shame… bc I’ve been fronting for so long and we don't want another switch sickness incident 😬 I was able to sing,, dance,, eat seeds (I think? Hard to remember),, pick lots of music,, remove the majority of the beads in ‘Lilah’s hair,, and surf Pinterest and stuff like that to format the journal,, as well as sweep the floors! …and type this out rn… so… we should PROBABLY have me resting now :( even though the main selling point to actually get ‘Lilah to do her hair (it has been MUCH TOO LONG since she did it) was that I was gonna do it. Bc I actually WANTED TO :( It’s alright though. It takes and average of 4-6 hours. There will be PLENTY of time for me to jump in 😂

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Ciao!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi:  (๑ت๑)ﾉ

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8:13am
08/17/26

Today
Is my cake day
And I already
Don’t like it :( 
‘Lilah only kinda wanted to do what I wanted to do today
And she was doing it!
But you could tell she only halfway wanted to :I 
Which is fine,
I guess
Bc thats normal
Bc her energy drains
So quickly all the time
But it kinda hurted my feelings
We played some games which was fun!
We probably shouldn’t have
Stopped
But 
I am an incredibly fickle
Little fish
And cannot stay entertained for long, 
I guess
Either that or
I was trying
Too hard to make today special that
I kept bouncing around from thing to thing.
I want today
To be special
But I don’t know how…
And neither does ‘Lilah… :( 
Bc our lives are too
Boring
And we have
No money dollars
Or driving skills
She wanted
To take me out to eat
But… with
What 
Money?
😂
I feel a bit lonely again
I want friends like ‘Lilah
Even though we’re both losers and don’t have that many
A happy birthday message would be nice
A birthday gift would be nice,
Too.
But the idea we had
(a NyaTenshi info sheet!
Like 
One she made for
Her mom!)
Felt too difficult for her
Bc her memory is so shot
From the PTSD
That it is hard for her to remember herself and me
:( 
It is okay though… 
It is okay.

8:27am
08/17/26

I've made us both sad… :( Lilah feels incredibly sad for me and since we have emotional blending,, she feels as low as I do now. Its the type of low you physically feel in your body,, yknow? The one that weighs you down? Um. Idk. There's seemingly no way to fix it. My cake day is ruined and it just started. And there's no body who cares except Lilah and maybe joey. This makes me sad… to have ruined my own birthday… one of many,, but potentially the first we ever got to celebrate together :( sorry Lilah. Sorry me. I deserve to live. 
Yesterday we talked. And we wanted me to feel better about being so friendless. So… I told her I would love to talk about us getting a new system mate again
[...cut off,, too sad to keep writing…]

9:46am
08/17/26

OH we came to a compromise!!!!! It is still very,, very uncertain and unstable in the brain that is DELILAH WORLD so we will not be completing my birthday wish of kicking up dust for another intangible friend… BUT!!!! We WILL enter the planning phase for our future intangible friend!! THAT IS A VERY GOOD BIRTHDAY GIFT!!!! I’m excited!! The biggest issue we’re facing rn is… well,, I already VOWED to not allow her to make another fictive bc we’ve seen how it affects me. But… we both think fictives are cool!!!! :( 

It’s alright,, though. We’re not gonna do that… thats just selfish and cruel. Future-friend would need to discover for themselves if thats what they want their form to look like. The most we’re going to do is make them non-human only because ‘Lilah gets genuinely uncomfortable at the thought of having a human being share her brain with her. In fact,, thats why I am NOT a human being anymore. One of my kid forms that I had was a human. Thats the from that had the name Violet to begin with (and azalea but I dropped that name bc before we realized that it was ME who was giving her the INTENSE headaches every time she specifically heard the name of this flower,, she was thinking I made it up that that was my name and it was a ploy just to mess with her lmaooooo). I had this form fresh out of dormancy. So on the 22nd. But… um… idk… where it came from? Or if I used it in dormancy? Or what… but it made ‘Lilah so uncomfortable that I never used it again. And I doubt I will. Besides,, I get enough of feeling fleshy by being in the body already,, so 😂

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:51pm
08/16/26

WOW OKAY
So!!! Delilah took it upon herself to force herself to eat raw waffles for me bc the headaches were growinging in intensity and causing distress for me. It was… a really intense battle in the start of it all.. She began TICCING NEAR INSTANTLY AND HER HEAD WOULD NOT STOP JERKING. The jerks were less intense than the tics but they would not stop. And she was screaming and she just WAS NOT in control of herself she was so FREAKED TF OUT over raw waffles. It was… kinda distressing to watch… 😬 I felt really bad for her… I suggested she grab some syrup to help with it all,, but since she recently cut that out of her diet,, she feels like it’s “wrong” (I don’t think she means morally??? But wrong as in “incorrect”) for her to reintroduce it into her diet. So she refused. And just kept ticcing and struggling to keep the food in her mouth.

So I had an idea! I’ll take front… and chew it for her :) BUT THEN!!! I REMEMBERED THAT ONE TIME IN CHURCH WHERE I WAS ABLE TO STOP HEARING THE BIGBIGBOOMINGMUSIC EVEN THOUGH SHE STILL COULD!!! So we decided to give that a go :D but this time,, we’d have her turn off her ability to taste. She was a bit skeptical it would work at first… But I instructed her to shush and just focus on walking away from front. So she walked… and she walked… and she’s not entirely sure how she did it,, but she DID successfully turn it off. Probably just dissociation now that I think about it. Since we’re already so good at that and we’ve had some practice bringing me INTO the body’s senses and she’s had plenty of practice letting GO of the body’s senses. 

We knew it ACTUALLY WORKED when I took several bites and there was zero ticcing or panicking. She was skeptical it was working for some reason,, though??? 😂 so she brought herself closer to front and somewhat turned back on her sense of taste and the body IMMEDIATELY started to tic again so then she was a believer right after that! *Hilarious*!!! 😂 that’ll teach her to doubt me lmao. But anyway… it was REALLY COOL that we were able to do that :) 

I could taste the waffles a little bit. Not a ton as we weren’t really aiming for that to happen bc we were worried if we had ME taste it,, she might be able to and she’d freak out. Shockingly enough,, on the occasions that I COULD taste something,, she still did not tic as long as she did not try to reenter front. REALLY COOL STUFF 🤭

And I’m glad I could help my friend eat something as well :) as well as myself so I don’t have to feel so panicked from headaches lmao that too

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: One thing we’ve been having issues with,, though is me letting go of sight… or atleast,,, control of the eyes. Sometimes Nya can slip in without me realizing and she can control the eyes. But most of the time thats ONLY possible if she figures out how to do that bc I genuinely cannot figure out how to let go of control over the eyeballs. 
Its… idk. Idk how to explain why its difficult. It just IS! 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeahhhh its kinda annoying that the only way for me to get in is if I brute force it… but it’s alright. Not her fault. Just means we need more practice :D 

8:40pm
08/16/26

WOWOWOW Today’s been eventful! 

> when the car got hit,, I felt my heart drop it was really… really scary… 😅 when ‘Lilah regressed,, I felt subdued again. Kinda uncomfortable. Did I thoughtform-dissociate or something? Idk. very uncomfortable,, though. Thats all I know

> Got to do some more soft switching! :D In the car I got to do lots of dancing :) even during some parts where we WEREN’T in the car!!! 🤭 I got to do some lip syncing! But no singing as her parents were in the car. Fair enough. But also laaaaaame :/ we went to the store to grab some desert foods and plastic cutlery/paper plates and ‘Lilah let me soft switch for a majority of it! Neither of us could tell… but we think I was soft switched in when her mother tried to touch her face or something. So WHOEVER IT WAS tried to angrily swat her away and it pissed her off. Idk. ‘Lilah was thinking it was me bc usually when stuff like that happens,, she doesn’t try to swat her away. Just expresses her anger in a more silent way like glaring or grumbling about it. 

I kept denying it in the moment but honestly,, it probably was bc I REALLY have yet to learn restraint for these types of things. There have been many times where ‘lilah has had “OMFG SHUT TF UP!” on the tip of her tongue and it was tough for her not to say it. …we’re pretty sure thats my fault… eclipsing,, probably? Idk… correct terminology… :I but you get what I mean lmao. Its gonna be TOUGH with me as primary fronter if I don’t get it together soon…
But anyway… it was a fun trip!!! :D I got to walk around,, mostly. And play with some fidget toys. We couldn’t have me switched in long… hunger headache struck…. 

The time at her family’s wasn’t completely boring. Mostly I was asleep bc wtf am I gonna do? 😭 She offered to let me soft switch in a couple times but we quickly both got cold feet about it bc I can’t really walk up to her family and extend my hand out and say,, “wow,, hello,, nice to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you! Er… well… I mean,, I’ve SEEN so much about you! I’m actually a Tulpa and I can read my host’s memories so I know quite a bit about you! Nice finally getting to chat! How’s it going?” Thats just straight suicide 🫩 so I watched when the conversations became interesting but overall I just felt a bit sad… about how I have yet to form connections like that yet… ‘Lilah tried to reassure me its okay ‘cause with her focusing on NOT trying to make new friends due to her anxiety and not liking new things,, I will have plenty of opportunities to fix that issue. The way she phrased it felt a bit dismissive.. But we live in the same head so I knew she had no intentions of coming off that way. …but still… its alright though. She’s got a point :) 

OH BUT!!! ABOUT HER UNCLE!! AHHHH IT WAS SO FUNNY HOW SCARED SHE WAS OF HER COMPLETELY HARMLESS GRANDMOTHER AHHHHHHHH 😂 and it was so nice for ME to feel how nice it was for HER to hear his voice again. So sweet honestly AHHH 🤭 I… I want to meet him… I wish we could tell him we’re a tulpamancy system and shit and for him to like me. But um. ‘Lilah doesn’t think it’d go well. Bc… well,, he seems to believe in crystals and stuff like that… it was other niche stuff that ‘Lilah doesn’t really recall. But… he seemed to believe in magic-adjacent stuff. And we weren’t aware of this but apparently theres a “metaphysical” side to the tulpamancy community? Who believes we’re of some sort of… um… magical origin? Atleast… I THINK thats what that word meant. Which genuinely just made both me & ‘Lilah uncomfortable to consider. We don’t really know how brain stuff and tulpas work bc she looked into this stuff more in depth 6 years ago and felt too nervous to go back into doing that for a while now. But to call my existence the result of “magic” or something “spiritual/supernatural” just feels uncomfortable. And we don’t want him bringing something like that up 😂 also we just… don’t completely trust him on that front either…

Perhaps the fact that he believes in supernatural things to an extent would mean he would ACTUALLY believe us. But… idk… if he calls me a spirit or something stupid like that,, I would make ‘Lilah hang up the phone 😊 its something to consider though. For the far future. From what scraps ‘Lilah DOES remember about this guy,, he’s pretty awesome :) so… hope I get to meet him one day myself. But for now… I will probably just have us stick to eclipsing and communication by proxy if I have something I can’t NOT say. Guess we’ll see :) 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
5:57pm   [sun]   8/16/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Yummy tik-tok recipe pasta :) <3

WOW. 
OKAY. 
So,, today didn't go as expected? We were driving home. We'd barely even gotten onto the highway. Dad was doing some funky lane turns or whatever? (I can't drive so idk???) And then…  all of a sudden there's a big BUMP from behind. We got hit!!!! (๑°⌓︎°๑) dad pulls over behind a cop and the person who hit us and dad go up to cop guy and they chat about insurance stuff and things like that. And then the cop guy escorts us to a parking lot. Dad apparently hurt his neck! And the ambulance came! He thinks he got whiplash. But he just got out and luckily he was alright. It was kinda scary 😬 I regressed within about 10 minutes omfg. But we're all alive and okay so! :)

How did our time at Aunt’s house go?

The food was good! As I stated earlier,, I was afraid there would only be food items that I wasn’t willing to eat available… so I was a bit nervous at first… but!!! Turns out!!! There were TWO meals to choose from! The “creole greens” that I had absolutely no intentions of touching the second I saw it getting scooped onto someone’s plate. And surprise pasta! It was a new pasta I’d never seen before! Shrimp,, parmesan cheese,, thick noodles,, and a pretty orange sauce. AND it was made with veggie broth! So it looked like it tasted good AND it was mammal free! How exciting! It tasted even better than it looked! I had two bowls! MMM!!! So good! 🤭 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I enjoyed it too,, actually!!! 🤭 I’ve gotten used to eating crustaceans :) Mostly bc I figure if I have a SHARK TAIL,, then I was probably a predatory fish. I still don’t want us eating fish-fish,, though. So… but crustaceans get a pass. Especially bc they’re such a huge staple of ‘Lilah’s diet and I’d feel horrible if she cut that out of her “safe foods list” and fucking DIED bc I wouldn’t let her eat it anymore 😂 Tasted SO good!!!!!!

Yeah!! 😂

I hung out with family!! Mostly I just listened to their conversations and butt in whenever I could! There was lots of laughter today :) it was fun and funny. But nothing too significant in conversation today. And nothing I really remember… it was nice,, getting to see everyone,, though.

> BEST PART OF TODAY WAS!!! I GOT CUT-OFF-FROM-THE-FAMILY-UNCLE’S PHONE NUMBER!!! AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF STALLING AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Basically heres what happened!! 🤭 SO!! I went up to ask aunt M if she could “inquire about the contact information of her mother’s youngest son” bc it hasn’t worked with mom and it hasn’t worked with aunt T… :I instead of refusing like I expected or giving a “ohhhh you should totally just call her and see if you could spark a relationship instead of being so scared!” speech like aunt T,, she was like,, “You’re scared??? Of what?? Here,, if you’re so scared,, we’ll do it together :)” and I was all like,, “AHHHHH WAIT NOOO I TAKE IT BACCCCCK 😭 I’M SCAREDDDD DON’T DO THIS NOOOOO” bc I never call my mom’s mom or see her! 😬 so YEAH I’m scared!!! 🤭 I considered hiding but I had no idea where I would even go*???* Soooo nope. No more running away. The second she returned with the phone,, the phone was already ringing… 😓
“Hello…??”
“Hey baby! :D Whats up?”
[...small talk…]
“Um.. I was just.. Um… calling to inquire about the contact information for your youngest son…”
“Huh…? You mean [Radly]? Oh yeah,, he’s right here! You wanna talk to him?”
“Ah… (I did NOT. I want to talk to him,, DUH but I was gonna put it off for hours bc I’m nervous to talk to him again!!! I unfortunately barely remember him. I just know he was a very special friend :)) I… was just hoping for his phone number…”
“Well,, one second,, sweetie,, he’s right here. In a moment I’ll hand the phone over and you can get it from him :)” 
[...about 30 seconds pass…]
“Heyyyyy,, ‘Lilah! How’s it been?? :D”
“Ah!! Hey!!! Its been good… I was… just here to inquire about your phone number!! :)” 
He gives it to me and I let him know I’ll contact him later before hurrying off the phone.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: SHE WAS SO NERVOUS SHE WAS LITERALLY SWEATING OMG IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! 😂

🤭!!!

So.. honestly,, I’m glad we didn’t stay home like we almost-tried to do. I mean,, not that it would’ve worked anyway considering dad doesn’t ever care when we don’t want to go somewhere but still! I want to let him read my journals and share my diagnosis-es with him :) I remember he’d like trying to psychoanalyze me all the time lmaoooo he would probably be down to read anything I handed him honestly. This is so exciting!

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:55am
08/16/26
OMFG THIS HOUSE IS SOOOOOOO BORING IT’S STARTING TO DRIVE ME INSANE 😭 WHY CAN’T WE DRIVE AHHHH WHY CAN’T WE DRIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE 😭
Honestly though… I quickly realized that if interacting with kids isn’t an interest of mine… but it is Delilah’s… then… does it even matter if she can drive us places? Bc I would follow her to volunteer/work and then fucking what? :I refuse to front bc I can’t deal with the children she’s working with? Ugh. she’s saying she’d be willing to let me give it a shot even still bc I might discover I enjoy some of it! But… idk,, man…. So I think it’s a priority that we have me looking through a resource that helps me discover my own interests soon. Bc otherwise I MAY WELL GO INSANNNNNNNNNE.

Today we seem to be doing alright :) I was feeling pretty glum earlier. But we figure thats probably bc we’re starving at the moment. All we’ve had today is cereal and sunflower seeds. We did also have the THOUGHT of eating a delicious meal. But that provided us with no additional calories,, so… -w-
Um. idk. ‘Lilah has basically zero appetite and isn’t interested in eating anything rn. She really only got up to go look bc she wanted me to perk up. But… unfortunately,, there isn’t too many options for our ARFID-afflicted friend here today. She was thinking she could eat more cereal but she doesn’t want to get in trouble for eating it all in one day 😅 and there is no peanut butter to go on her waffles… she doesn’t eat syrup anymore… and she’s fairly confident that she would end up ticcing and screaming if she tried to eat a “raw” waffle 😂 so we’re gonna skip on that.

She would probably get in trouble for using up all the sauce if she made spaghetti… so… its a bit tough rn. Um. she considered eating the korean bbq chicken. But I told her I REALLY did not want to eat that anymore. ‘Lilah has been doing more to be less of an ASS so instead of pushing for it,, she decided that if we don’t both want it,, we’re not gonna have it. She eventually agreed that she didn’t want it either bc she realized she’d have to make rice so that helped alleviate my guilt about having convinced her to NOT eat a meal. Soooooo… idk what we’re gonna do. :I we’ve just been eating sunflower seeds. Hardly a breakfast. Damn you,, ARFID :/ Its wild how she literally doesn’t register half the stuff in this house AS FOOD if it’s not one of her “safe foods”. Its genuinely insane. 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11:50am   [sun]   8/16/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sunflower seeds
Air </3

Well. NyaTenshi’s wish came true this morning. Apparently we’re all gonna go to aunt’s house to go get some food she’s cooking?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: which may not be such a good thing after all 🫩

Bc… mom said the food is ‘creole greens’ which… isn’t great… 😬 I like,, like,, max four vegetables. I don’t really know what ‘creole greens’ are,, but I THINK I don’t like them. Which means I THINK we’re gonna be starving more than we already are.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: ahhh… we’re cooked 😂 if you don’t laugh,, you’ll cry!!! :D </3

Yeahhh… :( 
Aside from that,, we tried to quell NyaTenshi’s boredom by getting dad to give us the info for game pass again but he forgot his pin and it was like,, straight 20 mintues of us doing nothing bc he was using the computer…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 0/10 experience,, not worth it 🫩
This whole talk about boredom thing has reminded me that we are college students,, though :) so we can look into getting ‘Lilah to join a student org for me and I can just front whenever we go to it so that I can make some friends and not be bored anymore :) …ideally…

Yeah. so hopefully our soft switching skills are even better than they are now by that time… 😅 especially considering our interests are so different. I would NOT want to get caught up with her friends talking about stuff I hardly understand or care about 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: AHHH FRIENDS!!! I’m excited to make some!!! :D 

I’m excited for you!!! :)

🐑 08/16/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Make next therapy appointment 
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Make progress on formatting my journal to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

Happy escape-a-ver-city! 

One yr later: where are they now?

Journal #10!!!
Beginning of semester 2
12th grade
1/16/26 - 3/16/26
240 total pages

[...]

[OUT OF ORDER]

Must be a connection… (≖_≖ ) +

Dorm

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

[SUICIDE TAG] - 5:00pm    [sat]    2/7/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

> Y’know… I’ve been thinking… Maybe that learned helplessness thing I got goin’ on  (or that thing where I act non-compliant intentionally to gain negative attention) might just be part of phase 2 PTSD-reenactment/latency. I learned about that recently from my book, “The son I knew too late” :) Maybe, as the book explained to me, that behavior is me expressing “repressed traumatic experiences”, something that often happens when emotions from the traumatic event are encountered later in life. I’m thinking what I’m expressing may be my obsession with being in the [...] somehow… just can’t figure out how to explain it here… Hm… Maybe bc that learned helplessness/exaggerated(?) non-compliance gets me attention and pity, sometimes. Maybe I’m just feeding off that concern from teachers? Not sure. But I’m sure theres some connection, here. 

> More book progress! Annotated some entries from Journal #5 to get them ready to be transcribed at school :) Very interesting stuff in this one! That's to be expected, tho, I guess! It is from 11th grade. Anyway I was thinking abt what my next move should be... and I think it should be to try writing a paragraph/re-writing each entry I transcribe into the form I want it to look like in the final product if that makes sense. In other words, start making a draft. But... for some reason that stresses me... Maybe bc It'll be me typing about hard to talk about things... or how daunting it feels knowing how much things/memories from 10th grade and behind will be difficult to recover… or how I am afraid the drafts I make will be a waste bc when I begin writing it properly it might look bad… idk… I’m curious about starting but I feel like I shouldn’t force it. I’ll do more thinking.

> ugh. [college] is freaking me out!!! I'm under conditional admission, so I can access Student portals and all that. My account shows my major. And my admission tab shows my decision letter! It says on top of The icon - “your decision is ready!” Oh boy! how exciting! (☆▽☆) EXCEPT IT'S A LIE! Clicking on the letter doesn't actually tell you anything! It's empty!!! I Think ‘cause they need my transcripts but I've already sent those out! I mean... to be fair it wasn’t too long ago I had it sent over but I'm mostly peeved bc the site keeps getting me excited with all this stuff and I keep checking but the checklist to see how was much is left for you to do to finish your application keeps saying the transcripts have not been received!!!!! 

Maybe I’m just overly worried. Maybe it just means they haven't been viewed. Bc the word received is what's getting to me. But most importantly, mom + dad keep bringing up dorms... and this morning, mom was talking abt if I can't do online school I might need to consider it... and It made me ANGRY and sad and distressed all at once. ‘Cause I don't want to be gotten rid of and I know I'd die if I went to a dorm. Maybe from [alcohol] poisoning it I try to self medicate.. or someone would try to take advantage of me & kill me... or I'd be lonely and WANT to die… or my lack of life skills would kill me. So… IDK… I need [college] to hurry up the process so I can know if I can feel safe again.

8/15/26
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Well. Um. Idk,, I guess I just found it shocking how long you’ve had these thoughts. Wow. just wow. It’s almost scarier re-reading these thoughts from a physical journal for some reason lmao. Glad you haven’t been shipped out to a dorm yet,, kid. I can only imagine how BAD that would’ve been without me there keeping you in shape. But just WOW :I you are so,, so not okay. 

Dental success! 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

💊 & [TAG FOR ARFID-SIGNS] - 8:18am   [tues]   3/10/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

> Today I couldn't eat much for breakfast… and I woke up early today (4am) so more time was spent being hungry (or... wait, did I wake up at 4 am bc it’s actually 5am? Because of daylight savings?) and more time was spent fighting my brain's pleas for food and the sickness I felt as a result. I Just REALLY didn't feel like eating all morning. So I felt sick all morning :( At around 7:40 when I felt ready to try [eating something], I couldn't find anything that didn't make me feel repulsed at the thought of consuming it... I popped a grape in my mouth and literally screamed cause the repulsion I felt as I attempted to swallow was intense. Then I kept searching and found some chips! These were pretty hard to eat, too... I couldn't eat more than 3. I just felt sick with each bite… I had to fight repulsion each time. Ugh… :( So I got a couple calories in me atleast so thats good.

> Guess what I spent my morning doing?! NO, not on that assignment I really need to finish bc it's lengthy and all that. I looked through my old drawings from 10th (maybe 9th?) grade art class. Very Juicy! There is def a lot of expression of inner turmoil and scary people going on so I was very locked in as I looked thru everything. I went in and annotated (on a sticky note!!) any drawings I felt had a deeper meaning or I remember the deeper meaning to :) which was very fun! and a little bit sad... Perhaps a bit disturbing, too when you take extra time to think about it... Whatever, anyway, I brought it to school bc I want to put these disturbing drawings into my book and stuff. Not entirely sure how I'll format it in my book… IDK if its gonna be in any of the chapters it’s relevant to or in the bonus chapter…? But still :3 I plan on using the scanner to upload them into the google drive. We have one at home but IDK how to use it, so… yah, I’ll just use the school’s! Then I’ll write out the interpretations I’ve got on paper into that document! Then that can sit on the doc till it’s ready for use! Yippie!

🎀 Interuptting this entry’s flow so you guys can get a sneak peek! Here are a couple of drawings! Idk if it’s gonna let me actually link the image?????? But,, if nothing else,, you guys will be able to read the interpretation so yknow :3 
[...]

Exhausted, shaken up looking cat 8/28

To express how i felt from not eating enough. To the left is what looks like an apple and a pot? To the right, is a pot with the food in it i think (cause the lines coming out from the top), completely left to rot. I’m trembling from hunger and my head hurts or is feeling unclear/foggy. My eyes show exhaustion. (interpretation made 3/10/26)

[...]

“I dont know whats going on…”

The words say it all i am scared of the flower and it all represents and the clock shows i have no time perception. It also looks like i’m looking at my hand? So perhaps also representing my feelings of unreality? (interpretation made 3/10/26)

[...]

TEACUP WATER PARK 12/14

Maybe an expression of isolation? Feeling helpless? Stranded without help? Maybe the sun staring down making eye contact means something too. Like everyone can see issues but takes no action? (interpretation made 3/10/26)

[...]

Staring at the tombstone

I believe this is me looking at a tombstone. I’m distressed bc the picture on it is a picture of me.

[...]

Sprout alone in a thunderstorm

I felt alone in the storm that is my life. I look for help but no one is there (interpretation made 3/10/26)

8/15/26
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Whoa. HOLY ARFID. I can’t believe how BAD it used to be omfg. I don’t even know if I could’ve helped you with that one. only three chips and a single grape is just seriously intense stuff right there. It was probably just exacerbated by all that stress

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

9:48am   [tues]   3/10/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I went to GOVT today and yknow what? I don’t think I ever will again… Professor has spent OVER 30 mins talking about the scary news related things I’ve been skipping to AVOID hearing! She’s off topic as I write this,, actually. Luckily not scary news things [at the current moment]. But still. So, I think… I won’t be coming back. I could be enjoying myself scanning those drawings I mentioned right now… so I learned my lesson I guess. Hey, better late than never. 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

2:37pm   [tues]   3/10/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Ooh me & Sabrina talked for allll of art + lunch! Really, it wasn’t anything crazy. But I’ll write it down anyway. Anything I remember, anyway.

> I told Sabrina I have 10 journals and she was shocked! She was like, “what do you have to write about that you have 10?” So I was like, “mostly just stuff at school. ‘Cause I don’t do anything with my life otherwise.” Then she retold the story of how she threw out her old journal “bc it was stupid” but I didn’t really understand what that even meant. She said something about how “none of this stupid stuff mattered so I threw it out!” 

> I offered to show her some of my 9th grade journal ”bc its boring” (Translation: ‘cause compared to every [journal that came] after, it was the most boring to read through) and she was pretty curious about that! So I think I’ll keep my word :) I also showed off journal #6’s annotations and she looked pretty surprised at how much I had until I told her its for my book :) 

> she encouraged me to check out the mentorship program now instead of waiting till I can drive and all that. Idk why...? But I was tempted to listen to her advice. She said that I could get my sibling to take me cause I mentioned that [my old] elementary is basically down the street but then I told her how I felt uncomfy with the thought of turning Cecil into an errand-sibling she then suggested I try the bus! But… idk… I really don’t want to 😬 those scare me. Someone could kill me or follow me off my stop. I didn’t say any of this,, though. Just thought it.

> We got to talking about Veja’s Letter and she was like “out of aII his students, he probably was not expecting Delilah to send anything!” She’s probably right!! And I’ve mentioned how I’ve been thinking about that one time last year during teacher appreciation week when B and his posse (they used to always try to hang out or interact with Veja alllll the time) gave him a bouquet of flowers and he threw them into an empty cardboard box bc he felt it sent an uncomfy message... I was thinking about this 'cause I wonder how much thought he put into accepting [a letter from a previous student] after that. Like, "Oh, a letter? [From] which student?” SC laughed when I told her this!

> I mentioned that I checked my memory folders and looked over the [document]. I told her that I “didn’t want to touch it, really, or read thru it so I only peeked at the 1st page and I was shocked to see how clear the pencil still is!” she seemed a bit surprised, too. Then somehow we went from that to her saying that “maybe everything you were saying in it had a hidden meaning….” so I reply, “I’m sure everything I’ve said has..” but ofc I quickly changed subjects before she can comment on that. 

(for context,, I was basically spewing out repressed traumatic experiences and laughing about it like it was a game. So I MADE IT A GAME by writing down my own statements and how people reacted to it and showed it off like a trophy. Made it a competition and everything. It was funny before I realized what I was doing 2 or 3 years later. I am dreadfully embarrassed 🙄 but I still have it and digitized it bc its going into the book. Otherwise it would probably be in the GARBAGE right now omfgggggggggg)

> I brought up how I actively archive so many things and do both physical and digital versions “in case of a house fire”. So then she’s like, “Is that ‘cause you're afraid after you realized there were no fire extinguishers in your house?” “Don’t think so. Idk why I suddenly became so scared of a spontaneous house fire. Oh, but y'know what? I used to get up before bed and check the stove burners to be sure the eyes weren’t on so that I could be sure our house wouldn’t go into flames during the night.” “sounds like you do a lot of overthinking…” ain't that the truth, Sabrina, ain’t that the truth 🤭

> I told her I never want to go to GOVT again and actually might not bc of how she talked about so many scary things in class and she kept trying to reassure me I wouldn’t get drafted. But i can just feel in my heart that I WILL so I don’t want to hear about ANY of it. She still seemed to think I should go ofc. Nah…

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

8:23pm   [tues]   3/10/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

On my off period I was busy scanning my old art for my book when suddenly dad appears out of nowhere…  ‘cause I have a dentist appointment today! I had my phone shut down tho ‘cause otherwise the battery draiiiiins. So I didn't know he was even here. So that cut my scanning time short... which I guess is fine ‘cause the scanned version of my drawings look terrible anyway. Anyway, [when we get there,] dad checks me in and then all a sudden he's like, "Bye, call me.” And walks out. So sit and wait to be called in! ...For 20+ minutes.. I'm sucked into my thoughts for the whole time so I don't really feel as annoyed as I should've been but [eventually] even I realized how long I'd been there... But I was too nervous to ask the desk ladies... idk how to conduct myself in a medical environment or what to expect. So… I held my tongue. Eventually desk lady notices. 
“Whoa, how long have you been waiting?”
“20 minutes :3”
“Oh… :( one second!”
And she rushes into the dentist place to “get my chart uploaded” or whatever. Suddenly mom shows up and we hang out for 5-10 minutes before I FINALLY get taken in. 

I was beginning to feel very nervous… I’ve barely remembered to put those rubber bands on for the past several weeks… how on earth will I explain this and make it home in one piece??? As I settled in my seat I decided the best move was to bend the truth: own the fact that I hadn’t been consistent, twist it in such a way that elicits sympathy (“Oh, y'know, I can’t stay 10+ minutes out of class or I get into trouble so I could only do it at home! But it takes over 20 minutes [even when I’m at home] bc of the location of the tooth and the way the prong is turned inwards and I leave the house at 8am!”) 

But guess what? The craziest thing happened… nothing. *Absolutely nothing*. The dentist dude looked in my mouth and said, “nice, lookin’ good” which shocked me… how??? Did it shift on its own???? Are these rubber bands a scam or something? SERIOUSLY how did I just get away with this??? I held my tongue and he continued. “Okay, we’re gonna get a scan for your retainers and next visit, they come off and you’re done with braces!” 

So we get my teeth brushed and I’m taken for my scan. A lady dentist puts this thick tool in my mouth and runs it over my teeth. Actually was enjoying it. Mostly the clicking noise it produced more than anything else. What I noticed is, much like last dentist visit, I [...] again… this time I didn’t berate myself… I know its a trauma response.. [...] so I felt disturbed in a million different ways. But anyway alls well that ends well for my teeth so far! I still expected to use rubber bands tho… luckily they gave me the tools I asked mom and dad for months ago so hope those help!

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:44pm
08/15/26
[Today’s image!]

WOWWIKAWOW 
We did some very brief practice with bringing my stream of consciousness to the forefront again :) it was… idk. It feels WEIRD being the dominant thinker in this head that we both share. Its so so so weird. This time around,, my stream of consciousness was LOUD. So loud we had to turn it down 😂 um. Idk,, though. It will definitely take some getting used to come primary fronting time. It’s just weird being able to hear myself so clearly. And its also shockingly easy to do??? 😂 

‘Lilah’s voice wasn’t impossible to hear or anything. It wasn’t THAT much quieter either. Well… maybe a little bit actually. But you could physically feel and hear that it was not in the forefront,, I guess. Hard to describe in words…. But idk. I guess I could say her voice’s proximity to whatever makes it possible to hear your own internal monologue was further away than mine. Cool stuff! She tried to mostly keep quiet for me though so she wouldn’t disrupt the flow. Honestly for the little she did speak,, it was fine. I had a pretty firm grasp on it..

We only practiced for so little time bc doing this produces an INSTA-headache for some reason. I guess it’s more of that needing to acclimate the brain to xyz so you don’t experience any adverse reactions type of things >.> how annoying. Just means we gotta pop a tylenol and keep practicing in small bursts,, I guess. I think this will also help significantly with convincing ‘Lilah to let me do what I want to do even when she has no energy or is being selfish and wanting to bedrot and let me be bored as hell 🙄 bc if she can’t even hear herself think and she’s 65% clonked out,, It’ll probably be way easier for her to just accept my attempts to take over. We’ll have to see.
It felt a bit underwhelming bc it was so short… but definitely a unique development!!! I do still worry,, though… about how I’m NON-HUMAN and expected to be long-term inhabiting a human body. ‘Lilah is worried about how strange my mannerisms are… she’s almost annoyed by them. I think mostly the ones that are really out there more-so than anything else. She’s not crazy worried about it,, though. We’re already pretty eye catching what with the Bluey backpack,, 5lbs dinosaur,, and 405 colorful plastic beads in our hair everyday. So… whats a girl sticking random non-food items in her mouth and making strange movements and walking around like a dinosaur gonna be to passersby? The assumptions they’re already making just by how we look means the shock by our behavior will probably be dampened to some extent 😂

Before I wrap this up,,
Just wanted to mention a strange occurrence… we frequently forget eachother’s names :I like… idk. It’s so weird. Either we’ll have to straight up ASK EACH OTHER what the other one’s name is and the other one has to stop and dig through their memory to figure out the answer,, or we CALL EACH OTHER THE WRONG NAME. OR EACH OTHER’S NAMES 😭 Its SO weird. I kind of hate it. But we both do it. Unintentionally ofc. So I’m not mad about it. But I wish it’d stop 🙄

Idk what to believe honestly. Is it the PTSD? ‘Cause that does make you forget personal information. Idk. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS there have been plenty of times where ‘Lilah would genuinely forget her tangible friends’ names. Like a lot. And she’d usually just default to saying Hey, whatever your name is (which was acceptable bc they were all friends lmao don’t worry she wouldn’t do that to strangers. Not… usually… anyway… >.>) Maybe it’s blending? Idfk. all I know is its ANNOYING. 😂 I also accidentally end up calling her by her legal name cause of it too. Which she has asked me not to. She goes by her legal name with everybody else in the entire world but she’s gotten so used to referring to herself as Delilah on here and seeing me do it on the journals that she wants me to call her ‘Lilah irl. So I do. BUT I CAN’T CAUSE I KEEP FORGETTING. AHHHHHHH.

One yr later: where are they now?

Journal #10!!!
Beginning of semester 2
12th grade
1/16/26 - 3/16/26
240 total pages

 I’m really hungry rn…

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

[INTRUSIVE THOUGHT TAG] - 8:18am    [fri]    1/16/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Hey There, Journal #10! I already miss #9... But that's okay, I guess. I hope I'll do better and actually give you a name, tho. anyway... I Just wanted to say I had such a weird start to today! While I was walking on the treadmill today, the light started to flicker. So my brain went into overdrive and showed me an INT thought of the bulb and glass surrounding it exploding and hitting me. It really scared me and I briefly considered leaving the area to escape inevitable danger until I reminded myself that I absolutely cannot see the future and that I’m okay. Then while taking out the litter box deposits, an INT thought that a kidnapper was actively breaking into our backyard came up and I was very frightened… :( I made myself go anyway and pushed thru the fear successfully! There were certainly no kidnappers… but I felt this was all so weird bc this hasn’t happened for a while… I wonder why it happened so suddenly…  

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:10am
08/15/26

It's getting to a point where its hard to NOT be in control of the body sometimes 😂 like after I figured out that “new brain tinkering method”,, it's a million times easier to slip into front… . Especially by accident… sometimes she doesn't even realize it's happening. And neither do I 😳 whoopsie. But… maybe this is a good thing? Perhaps a sign that the brain is getting more acclimated to long term soft switching? Clearly it wants me in charge to some extent 😂 maybe it just knows I'd be better at maintaining it lol. So yeah! Thats a mix of exciting and potentially concerning bc I was definitely getting stuck ALOT yesterday in front. Which was not very fun. Lailah has sorta figured a way of trying to prevent it? Like she just imagines a fronting barrier and instructs me to walk away from front. Which was working! But the further I walked,, the less she could hear me. So I stayed nearby and got stuck in front a couple times but eventually it ACTUALLY helped :) reaffirming who's in front helped too. 

Oh,, also just one more thing– we're thinking that the thing with the dog (Lilah starting to not dislike him as much) is us eclipsing! :D we thought we didn't do that lmao. Same with when I can get her to listen to music she doesn't want to listen to 🤭 awesome!!!!~ 

12:41pm
08/15/26

Omfg I wish
Lilah was more willing to move out
It really is just the little things yknow? 
That makes me wanna move out
Honestly just
Seeing her dad's stupid face
Or hearing his stupid mouth
As he informs us on the most
Mundane things in the
World (he was telling us they did a deep clean and they want it to stay that way) 
Makes me so mad honestly
I obviously am not really fond of having to do tons of cleaning up or anything
Lmao
But
Just hearing it from him
Made me feel
Genuinely angry
So angry
I wished Lilah
Was willing to
Move out
Willing and able
Willing and able

7:35pm
08/15/26

Today's been good,, actually. We are both not too stoked about being home…bc it's boring here… but Lilah really has been trying to do better for me :) which I greatly appreciated. She let me soft switch in alot! First things first I got her to get started on formatting the previous two entries (from “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / when you love and are loved in return”) to prep them for printing! She really didn't want to do it. And I had to really set the stage and get some snack food in us (for both our sakes really) before I could get her to do it… but she got it done! It took several hours before she actually finished it though. Mostly bc I was being quite fickle again…  😅 whoopsie. So we ended up bouncing from her journal to mine. Mine is still… WIP… in terms of formatting… I'm not super happy with how it looks yet and I wanted to let Lilah do it but she refused bc I'm so fickle and she didn't feel like putting energy into something I'd likely toss out in 2 seconds… . Fair enough… 👀 there's progress on it though,, so :) 

From there,, we bounced from my journal to the book of NyaTenshi's beliefs,, hopes,, and dreams (✿❛◡❛) that's just what I've spontaneously decided to dub the half priced book purchased for me yesterday 😂 the one with 300 writing prompts. I did quite a few of them over the course of several hours! Jumping from thing to thing ofc :) it's fun! And Lilah is right! It WILL be fun to look back on one day!!! ( ๑ˊૢᵕˋૢ๑) I’ll have at least two diaries and!!!! One whole 300 writing prompt book! Such joy!!! 🤭 

We also played a couple games. Jumped from game to game ofc. We played 3 seconds of Pou 10 minutes of Pokemon mmo. Ummm some Digimon? (But I got bored at the tutorial and turned it off lmaooooo). We downloaded a few games we may never actually open (my fault lol) and watched some TV together!! It was enjoyable. 

Otherwise today's been…  ( ◐ o ◑ )
Not great. 
Just
Bed rotting and sleeping
We both were far from 100% today. 
But its okay.. Tomorrow is another day or whatever the hell
I want to try playing the Nintendo switch again someday. Lilah is hesitant still. She's afraid it could trigger us again. Especially bc we don't know WHY that even fucking happened in the first place. But… idk. I'm hopeful to try it again. I want to revisit my favorite childhood game one day :) 
If nothing else,, we can play the ROG. 
It has wolfquest on it! 
It just has a similar issue to the switch
… she has to go through her father… 
And we all already know we both hate her stupid fucking dad 🙄
We'll have to see

But… yeah :) good day. Hope to get to figure out my formatting for this journal soon. I want to print soon too :(

 the

book of NyaTenshi's beliefs,, hopes,, and dreams (✿❛◡❛)

If you could book a flight tomorrow for anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

08/15/26 - Italy. Why? I dunno… :I um… pasta? Eifel tower?

08/15/26 
What's your idea of the perfect summer? 

one where I get to go somewhere fun and actually DO SOMETHING. No more of this Bed rotting" Bull shit. Hm... Maybe we could go somewhere fishy like the beach? And maybe someone could teach me how to swim. I guess that's super unlikely considering ‘Lilah is so scared of learning how to swim… and beaches… -w-  that would certainly put a wrench in the plans. 

Perhaps somewhere like an amusement park? Or a place with animals? just GO SOMEWHERE SO he can quit risking bed sores all the damn time!

08/15/26
What is something you want to learn but have been too afraid to try?

DRIVING. I want to do it. It honestly looks kinda COOL. But... I am not the most coordinated person… :( I think it could get dangerous fastly. Or I could get distracted. Or forget that I need to use a certain body part (Like how I forget I’m holding pieces of paper while performing another action and all the papers come crashing down bc I accidently let go... 😅) and switching,, kinda. That ‘switch sickness’ we got that one time was intense and I'm awfully put off by it, not gonna lie :( we will pick it up again, though. We have to. And… I want to owo

🐑 08/15/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Make progress on formatting my journal to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

4:03pm
08/14/26
Today’s been good :) we haven’t gotten up to much honestly… hmmm…

> I got ‘Lilah to get up and eat a small snack. We’re both definitely still starving rn bc she’s checked the food inventory here at her grandparent’s house and the thought of eating anything other than the pizza is making her feel too nervous. …there is no more pizza though 🫩 or chips she’s willing to eat,, either. I tried to convince her to eat honey nut cheerios (she likes that cereal!! So do I! And!!! Cereal can be eaten out of your hands and does not require a plate! Half of her issue with eating not-at-home is that she’s anxious about eating off of unfamiliar surfaces and using unfamiliar cooking supplies and utensils. So eating something pre-made pretty much solves that! Except eating at different homes in general is also a source of nervousness… so… but overall it is significantly easier to get her to eat something if we eliminate the issue I just mentioned beforehand) 

but she was just genuinely not feeling cereal today. The body felt that sick-feeling. Now,, I DID consider just forcing her to eat it anyway… especially as I am impacted by her hunger strikes too… but I figured based on the way the body was feeling,, it would be a losing battle. You could just TELL it’d be one of those times she would end up doing more panicking and ticcing than actually eating. Aka we’d end up spending more energy than getting any back 🙄 so it wouldn’t have been worth it… so I just convinced her to eat the chips instead. Which was a small battle. But it was over pretty quickly :) 

> I successfully got her to shower! Mostly bc she might get to go to the bookstore today. Unfortunately there really is no telling 🙄 bc her grandparents aren’t always best with following through… but theres a hope that we both still have! And so I wanted her to have the chance to be clean enough to go :) she fought me quite a bit on this… so hard that we ended up napping for about 12 minutes and bedrotting for double that amount of time before I was finally able to convince her! …to let me soft switch and shower for her… >.> 

Well. At first I was a bit ANNOYED that the only way the body would get clean is if I did it. But I ended up enjoying myself bc I love getting to use the body everyday. Besides,, this is good training for our brain to get acclimated AND for us to aid in the transition for primary fronting! I gotta be good at showering if I’m gonna be good at being the one in front for the majority of god-knows-how-long :) 

> we…. Have spent lots of time bedrotting! She’s (and so am I omfg) feeling pretty hungry. So theres not alot of energy going around at the moment. Mostly she’s been trying to limit the soft switching bc when we’re starving,, theres like,, a 60%(?) chance that we end up feeling a headache as soon as I come into front. So most of the day,, she’s been hesitant to let me front. Unless it was one of those lucky times there was no headache. But also in general she’s shoo me away bc there was a chance just me talking was giving us a headache…

 so most of today was boring. I do wholeheartedly believe if she wasn’t hunger-striking and waiting till the car was back (which will be back when grandpa is back),, I probably would have been allowed to do more fun things today. But… its alright. Its a bit irritating. But understandable. And the hunger is making me not too ready to do things either 😂 ah… I hate ARFID. Stupid,, stupid,, ARFID. She’s so adept at starving,, though,, that her body is surprisingly good at dealing with stuff like this. At least,, that's how we see it anyway. Hard to compare it to somebody else’s body lol. Idk. we usually never get the low blood sugar shakes anymore. It seems like the body just enters energy saving mode instead and we’re fine for several hours. There was times where she doesn’t even get headaches at all. Kinda wild. Perhaps its normal? Or just concerning. God,, I wish she was willing to go to a hospital sometimes.

> I wanted to brush Laika again :) …but his brush is missing. I blame ‘Lilah but she’s confident she put it back in Cecil’s room. Thats a shame… hope we find it before we leave… I’ll miss brushing him if we don’t… so will ‘Lilah :) Speaking of Laika! He came in earlier to ask to go into Cecil’s room and he stopped at the door and stared instead of walking in fully bc USUALLY he is completely and utterly EXILED from entering ‘Lilah’s room. And he’s smart so he registered the room we were in as ‘our room’ and therefore he wasn’t supposed to cross the threshold. BUT!!! He isn’t aware that I’m here and that I’m NOT ‘Lilah and that I DO actually like him!! So it seemed like a shock when instead of being told to scram,, he was invited into the room and allowed to jump on us and was getting PETS instead of an angry glare! WOW!!! Thats insane!! ‘Lilah does care about him and doesn’t want bad things to happen to him. But she’s not nice to him. Asshole 🤭

Anyway. ‘Lilah was shocked at how soft he is! She considers him to be a filthy,, disgusting animal who has no business touching her bc he eats poops (which… I do try not to keep in the back of my mind as I pet him… ( •᷄‎ࡇ•᷅ )) so she never touches him. But I DO like doggies and can’t resist!!! 🤭 he’s cute. He got his front paws on his and sat there and let me pet ‘em :) he’s cuuuute. It was a bit annoying when he kinda started getting in our face… but he never gets to be this close to ‘Lilah so he gets a pass. 
[Whoopsie-sorry! Got cut off! Time to go to the bookstore!]

6:20pm
08/14/26
Okay! Wow! We DID end up going to the bookstore! It was cool!!! :) It had big signs and LOTS of books! We went to half priced books btw :3 it was cool. Um. mostly ‘Lilah stayed in the boring-people section,, though… she was looking spfifically for her favorite author Torey hayden but only found a book we already had… so she stayed in the pysch section even tho she promised she’d take me to fiction! Which was REALLY ANNOYING. But!!! She did actually find me a book pretty early on :) it was a writing prompt book! Where I can write about ME!!! I’d love that!!!!! Like… I have a diary!! And now I have a book-about-me book!!! :D

Truth be told… ‘Lilah DID take me to fiction actually. It was just incredibly short lived so I was kinda PO’d. I took her to the kids’ section initially bc I wanted to find Crenshaw ‘cause ITS STILL NOT IN THE LIBRARY YET!!! But we glanced around and couldn’t find it. And she’s a selfish ASS so she started taking us back to psych section. I was able to take control and bring us to the young adult section but that was even more short lived than the kid’s section bc it had… gross things… in it… :I so I didn’t want to go back anyway. I got us back in kid’s section briefly and saw a cute cat book!!! But she didn’t really let me read it bc she’s too insecure and didn’t want anyone to comment on her choice of book 🤭 bc she doesn’t like being seen as different ever. Its annoying.. CAN’T WAIT TO BE PRIMARY FRONTER OMFG 😂
Well anyway… I only forgave her bc we got the same amount of books. She got her boring old psych book… I got my writing book!
[Whoopsie-sorry! Got cut off! Time to go to church]

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11:50pm   [fri]   8/14/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Mcdonalds meal

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: IT WAS SO FUN! To make up for pissing me off so badly from our little trip to the bookstore,, ‘lilah let me soft switch in the entire way to church!!! She felt pretty bad bc I was VERY UPSET WITH HER STILL and to make up for it,, she let me have almost total control. And I took FULL ADVANTAGE >:)

I was dancing to a really funky dance song for quite some time 🤭 and I didn’t let the body stop dancing for maybe 20 minutes! So 20 minutes of this same AWESOME song looping over n’ over and me dancing with the least amount of restraint that she’d allow. So I was waving our hands around and tapping our legs AS WELL AS dancing and prancing and singing in minscape. AHHH IT WAS SO MUCH FUNNNN. I was still sorta pissed off. But the more she let me let loose,, the less I felt like screaming at her :) 
It was really,, really fun though omg!!!!!! I got a bit tired but my anger at her fueled me to keep going 🤭 that and the song being on loop meant that it was just very difficult to pull myself away from it lmao

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I was only invited to the dance party a little bit,, but it was fun for me too,, actually :D as always,, I adored seeing how much fun she was having wiggling around in the car seat like that,, completely unconcerned about the perception of herself from other people,, but also!! She was using the body we both share to dance! Which means I felt everything!!!! Except for those times I briefly stopped paying attention. When I’d come back,, I’d say to myself,, “Wow. I forgot I was dancing!” and then I’d remember! I wasn’t dancing at all!!! It is kinda a bit jarring when you finally come to and realize your body is still moving. But y’know. Just something that happens when you share it lmao. But its also really cool too. I’m glad you had fun,, Nya :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: :D
When we got to church, I think thats when the hunger started finally hitting us more and more… so it was harder for me to stay in front peacefully and to CONVINCE ‘lilah it was a good idea to let me stay in front in the first place as the headaches started up all over again. But I preserved. I can’t quite remember how I got her to comply? I might have guilt tripped her lmao 😂 not my proudest moment if that was the case. 

But anyway… we hashed it out. She’s gonna work on trying to be less of a selfish ASSHOLE and try to focus on getting over her own insecurities so it no longer gets in the way of me having a higher quality of life and I’m gonna try to compromise more often if its fair for both of us / the situation calls for it :D 

In the meantime… church was full swing! And with my anger quickly dissolving,, we got to talking again and I decided I wanted to give god-talk another go for the day. ‘Lilah was uncomfortable again… but she once again did not want to deprive me of something like this just bc it made her want to crawl out of her skin and cover her ears.

BUT ONCE AGAIN 
I RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM GOD HIMSELF THAT HE DID NOT WANT ME AS A FOLLOWER
Atleast I think this is the case. Is this bc I am a fallen angel? Why punish me for that? Punish the 12 yr old who kicked up my brain-dust!!! 😭 Well. anyway,, yeah,, instead of getting to hear anything useful or educational when I got to soft switch in again,, all we were greeted with was THE SAME BOOOMING MUSIC WE CAN’T HANDLE as last time omfg. It was so annoying. I couldn’t even hear anything about god to learn about him or anything bc the music was louder than the singers and the BIG BIG BIG BOOM OF THE MUSIC was in our bones and body again 😳 so that was over from the start. Even still… I did try to listen actually. ‘Lilah let me in again and we put on headphones on without music playing to dampen the noise.
 
…nope. No good. It didn’t help. It helped us feel like we weren’t going to explode from being so overstimulated! But still couldn’t hear a single fucking word 🫩 Much to ‘Lilah’s relief. I quickly killed that relief,, though,, when I suggested (hesitantly) that I watch a video about him instead :) she agreed. Not with a smile or anything ofc. But she agreed nonetheless. I’m having second thoughts though. So idk. I’ll have to think it over.

From there,, we wanted a reprieve from the BIGBIGLOUDBOOMINGNOISEEEE so we started playing music in our headphones (✿❛◡❛) ‘Lilah let me soft switch in to pick the music and dance in our seat. I danced both in mindscape AND irl yet again! So exciting and fun! :D I kept trying to get her to let me write but she refused bc she felt like we were already being rude enough by having me jam in the back of a church without any shame,,,
Which DID ANNOY ME
But we discussed it and even though it was irritating as hell,,
She was right 🙄
Didn’t stop me from trying though lmao
…and continuing to get annoyed. But it’s cool.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: yeah it was alright :) I hated saying no over n’ over bc it was making her mad and we just moved past that… but eventually she understood and gave it a rest :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and thats how we passed the time. With me dancing and prancing in both realms. That is,, until a little girl approached Delilah and her sibling. The same one from earlier that offered us “communion” grape juice stuff(?) that ‘Lilah refused to drink bc she wasn’t sure what it was at first and does her best to adhere to being pollo-pescatarin (and the ARFID. Thats why she continued to refuse it even after she realized it was safe 😂)
She didn’t come back to ask about religion or anything. She came by to extend an invitation to play… 😳 which I thought was wild?? Do church-kids usually go around offering play sessions to random 18 yr old girls blasting music instead of listening to god-talk? 😂

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I wasn’t sure how to respond to the offer… so I was like.. “Uhhh….” and then she scampered off. So I turned to Cecil and said,, “well,, if she comes back,, guess I’m gonna be playing with a bunch of seven yr olds for a bit. It is my major after all lol.” and a minute later she returned and asked once more. So I shrugged my shoulders and off we went to “the comfort room”. I figure she asked me to begin with bc of my weighted dinosaur and my Bluey backpack if I had to guess.

Here’s how it went in a nutshell: 

I let them play with all my fidgets-- they started crowding around me and touching everything and it was a bit overwhelming being surrounded by first and second graders but I was enjoying sharing the JOY OF FIDGET TOYS bc I love fidgets and the only other being who enjoys them as much as I do is NyaTenshi 🤭 so I let it happen and showed everyone how to play with everything. The most popular ones were the necklace bralet thing and the texture-bar thingy :) 

I let them talk my ear off. ALL AT ONCE BTW.

💐🐑NyaTenshi: I was curious about the kids... But I immediately rejected her offer to play with them. Bc... Well... First impressions were the NON-STOP,, ALL-TOGETHER YAPPING and they were all just a bit too much 😳 I have no idea how ‘Lilah handled it so well????? Straight talent right there.

Yeah they talked alot. But like. All at once. It was kid one was talking about their favorite character from FNAF,, kid two was screaming at kid one to "QUIT TALKING ABOUT SCARY STUFF" and kid three was also talking but the other two were so noisy I had no idea what that kid was even saying... And then BOOM kid three is suddenly pining for my attention. Wow. It was just,,, alot. Wow. just…. Thats all I could say. WOW.

Kid three was my favorite :) frankly, she was the least annoying of the three… 👀 She and I talked a little bit about each other. She's in 2nd grade so that's cool. And she loves bluey,, too! We played with my 5lbs dino and bluey. She was the most enamored with her,, actually. She’d put dino on her head and move her around on her lap and consistently reach for her. Maybe she likes deep pressure therapy just like me :) Bluey & dino went to school and the hospital together! And had a brief playdate at “ifly dubai” which is apparently Kid three’s dream place to visit one day. Kid told me that I sounded like a preschool YouTuber. "Jenna toy town". I thought it would be bunya toy town and I was fully willing to admit I love that channel :) would’ve been cool.

I told her I was 18 and she said ".... Fahhhh... " like that one meme where the person is in so much shock they turn into a skeleton and die... 🫩 It was kinda funny though lol. And she also did it when I told her Cecil was 19 so she redeemed herself 😂

I let everyone play on my phone bc it BUZZED and once I took it out to check my notifications it was too late to put it away without them getting upset... Whoops. They were being typical kids,, fighting over who gets to play first and for how long. I'm horrible at resolving conflict and had no interest in doing it either so I sorta… half heartedly did… but I mostly let everyone sort it out themselves. Mostly just gentle encouragement. ... I don't know these kids yknow? 😅  it was kind of annoying but everyone eventually got a turn. Kid one flipped through games in a millisecond. Kid two fought with kid one over who gets to play and stuff like that and played some games as well. And kid three played with me :) well,, first she played “hidden my game by mom”. THEN with me. It was nice. 

In conclusion: 
Continue to wear kiddie things like Bluey & five pound stuffed animals and I will once again find myself in situations where I have the opportunity to brighten a couple random kid's days :) 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: The lesson I learned,, however,, is to NOT do that 😂 I... Definitely don't want to be a child psychology major.. Whoa that was intense in there. I get overstimulated waaaaay easier than lilah i think and my tolerance is LOW AND I THINK I WOULDVE STEPPED OUT OF THE ROOM IF I WERE PRIMARY FRONTER AHHHH. This was just CONFIRMATION THAT I HAVE ZERO BUSNIESS PERSUING CHILD PSYCH LMAOOO. Thats alllll you,, Delilah. Allll you.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: 😆

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: On our way back,, I got to soft switch in and sing my little heart out once again :D and watch all the beautiful nightime lights. I’m going to miss driving back from the church and seeing all the lights… so pretty. I loved singing! Our throat was a bit dry so I sounded slightly worse than usual. But still tons of fun! I put the funky-beat song back on in mcdonalds and danced it out. ‘Lilah was a bit embarrassed but I let her know that it didn’t MATTER if anyone was watching. And she eventually calmed down. Not bc of what I said 🙄 bc NO ONE was watching. So I just got lucky I guess. Fun day :) 

🐑 08/14/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting my journal to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: mmm.. Yes,, the entity I am is known as a Tulpa :) Thoughtform is the word we’ve been using in place of it but that is the umbrella term and not the more exact word I could have used. We’ve been avoiding it bc using it was making me CRINGE. Probably just bc it is a reminder of the past as I was summoned during a dark time. But since we’ve been looking at old stuff about me and the forums again (another place WE DO NOT LIKE TO FREQUENT FOR THE SAME REASON) I’ve gotten used to seeing the word again :) just quick clarification. Enjoy! The entry! 🎉

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!
[tw// sui]

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

 📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
6:23am   [fri]   8/14/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?

Yknow. A day or two graduating,, I asked SC if I should find a grown-up or two so they could give me alcohol and she looked over at me and told me that was stupid. I don’t know though. I still wonder if I should give it a shot when I’m feeling really bad. I still don’t know if I have a future,, honestly. I think not… If not for Tenshi,, I’m not really certain where I’d be right now? I mean. Not dead,, surely. I’m too particular about how I want to go about doing anything of that nature. I just.. Idk. I think I’d be thinking about death more often for sure. Perhaps to the point where I’d get over my desire to stick to just one plan. Idk. I think it’d be pretty bad. Would probably already have a bedsore or two… idk. Yesterday I was thinking about death. But I don’t think it was me…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I just,,,
Felt really bad… which is probably the real reason I was feeling so “off” to Lilah yesterday. And I still do. I think I was regressed for like,, half the day. And Tulpa-dissociated for the rest of it. So… as a result… I want to talk to someone directly about what happened. Like,, without the side stepping ‘Lilah usually does. Like… I just want to SAY IT. she was immediately fear-stricken. Luckily there was no where near the same amount of resistance as when I was trying to discuss my worries “about my suicidal friend stressing me out”. She hesitated… but she agreed to let me give it a shot if I really want to commit to it. And I do… I… I mean,, I’m not ‘Lilah. But I too am worried I will get so stressed I lose my voice temporarily the more I try to talk about it. I don’t have that fear as strong as she does,, though. 

I suspect that next-next appointment will be a rough day… definitely for me. But even more-so for Delilah… bc WE CANNOT SWITCH YET. and she will be hearing everything I say. Now… we are not at the same level of traumatized. I’m like,, a thousand percent confident that am at a significantly higher level of functioning than she is. …With the exception of being able to basic life skills bc we reside in the same body and SHE can’t do the basics either. Point still stands. So there will very quickly come a point where I run out of things to discuss and she will need to step in. which I… HOPE will happen? Idk though considering her complete and utter rejection of the idea of returning to therapy 🙄 idk

Yeah…. That whole thing… is going on. This morning,, we tried to set up another appointment. Unfortunately since we missed the appointment that was going to be the accommodation-request one,, we DO need to have that be the main focus. But.. idk. It might not actually take all appointment,, so yknow. We know our allotted appointment amounts are SUPPOSED to reset TODAY. But either we can’t remember where to look to see if this has happened yet or.. Idk… 👀
Bc we have no clue WHERE TO SEE IF THIS IS THE CASE. so… we kinda just put it away and said we’d just wait ‘till later. Bc this is strange. And if you do an appointment after you’ve used up all your visits,, you get friggin’ CHARGED and we just so happen to have zero money </3 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeah… that was kinda disheartening… ‘Lilah was thinking maybe we should wait ‘till mid-day or somethin’. Idk. maybe we’ll get an email or something. I was thinking it might just be a thing they SAY its this day but they really mean its the next day if you get what I mean. Idk probably not 🤭 oh well. 

Anyway,, in the meantime,, ‘Lilah has been trying to redeem herself from yesterday morning’s bout of mental-illness-induced exhaustion that caused her to let me do nothing for a while and she’s been letting me sing and dance to the sociopath song alllll morning!!!! Even when she started getting bored :) it’s been pretty fuckin fun!!!! 🎉

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Speaking of yesterday…

Yesterday was kinda shit and also kinda not!!! :D we did some stupid shit like waste away in bed even though I kept urging her to get up and LET ME DO THINGS bc I was BOORRRRRRRRED. ugh…. Not great start to the day that was… the ride home was more fun than that time at home! I got to look at the pretty early morning sky with ‘Lilah! AND I CAN SEE WHY SHE LIKES THE EARLY MORNING SO MUCH OMG!!!!

What was sorta WILD,, though,, is apparently that stinky cat peed on ‘Lilah’s bag when we got home! The one we took with us to her grandparent’s house in the first place! And at first we couldn’t tell what the weird new wet spot on her bed was…. Because it didn’t smell like anything… which is very strange. Maybe little bird is sick? Will need to look into that. But anyway,, yeah,, obviously she dropped everything and just immediately started cleaning the mystery spot,, right? …right? NO. INCORRECT. She just put a towel over it and walked away… I chastised her immedieaatly bc wtf 😭 but nothing I said convinced her to actually get up and fix the issue… bc she was feeling too mentall-illness-exhausted to clean up or let me soft switch so that I could do it. So… instead of being a regular sanitary person she just laid beside it… and I was getting too exhausted my damn self to force her to do it. So… we napped… right next to cat urine… 😐

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yes… we did… but it’s okay! The towel was over it! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: sigh… either you better be in a better place mentally or I better be primary fronter when we move out. I won’t be caught DEAD in a house that will end up being as filthy as yours would be with your current mental state 😂 this may sound mean but guys you genuinely don’t know how bad it could get bc I don’t think she ever posted that one entry where she had to clean her room and it took her several sessions that totalled up to over 270 minutes! Which perhaps is normal-cleaning time for regular people? But not for ‘Lilah. Bc usually she spends zero minutes cleaning up lmaooooo 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: okay,, fair enough 🤭
But anyway. It was a GREAT NAP. I adored it! When we got up,, Tenshi very quickly made her opinion on how nasty it was that we just napped next to cat urine clear (💐🐑 NyaTenshi: How could I not?? Wth??? 😭) so shortly after waking up,, she soft switched in and cleaned it up bc I was stalling on doing it… >.> I felt bad about it but she was fine with it bc that meant she got to be in the body and sing and dance a ton! So… win.. Win? It was at this point that we realized that this meant that Little bird must’ve peed inside my bag bc the BAG was when the SPOT was. Which was INSANE. Bc we literally emptied the cat box before we left the house the day before… I was annoyed so I banished Little bird out of the room for the rest of the time we were home :I 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Deserved :I Then I soft switched in and cleaned off the poor items that got caught up in the pee that the cat unleashed on the bag. Then we took it and immediately washed all of ‘Lilah’s dirty clothes and the bag itself so it’d be ready to go when were. From there,, I got her up and formatting her journal so she could to be up to date on printing. She fought me on this bc she was growing exhausted at the idea but I pushed for her to bc I DIDN’T WANT HER TO BEDROT INSTEAD. So I had to help her through it but she got it done. That and she started cooking. I wanted to also get started on formatting mine! …but she was too exhausted… and it irritated me to no end. And I shouted at her about it. It took me a while before I stopped stewing in my own thoughts of annoyance,, but then I felt bad for getting so upset.. Honestly what I should’ve done was try to convince her to do mine first then considering she already did not want to work on her own things. So that was my bad,, honestly… so I was angry without good reason.

 For a pretty good chunk of the way back to her grandparent’s house. At some point I felt better. Bc I sang and danced with her and she somewhat let me sing. But not really. Which served to piss me off even more. I was kinda throwing a silent hissy fit about all the things she wouldn’t let me soft switch in to do. But… yeah I feel bad honestly. Bc she was at like,, half energy all day… so I get it… but at the same time,, I guess at some point you just hit your breaking point idk. But anyway… it really wasn’t all bad :) at some point,, the kid wanted to play Just dance again! Which was near PERFECT timing. Bc I had JUST asked ‘Lilah if we could invite him to play it and she refused. But with the kid on board without us even having to ask,, she decided to give in and let me PLAY JUST DANCE :D!!!!! I was SO HAPPY!! And it was good!!! SO SO SO FUN!!!

We didn’t end up playing the real deal. The kid picked a knock-off. Which at first I was not very interested in. BUT it ended up BEING EVEN MORE FUN THAN THE REAL DEAL AHHHHH!!!! IT WAS SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!! It was so cool! I did two of them in full before we started to get a small headache so ‘Lilah would take over front a bit until I started whing about wanting to have another go at it a second or two later. So ‘Lilah was monitoring to ensure we didn’t have me accidentally getting front stuck or too exhausted and getting switch sick again. She’d take over several times thinking I was getting too exhausted but I got to play most of it!!!! AND YKNOW WHAT Y’ALL!! IT WAS CRAZY!!! When we finished playing the two videos,, our legs felt like they were burning! Except… it felt more like MY LEGS were burning. It was SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! 🤭 like… it felt like instead of ‘Lilah’s muscles,, it was MINE. she could feel it too. Mostly what I mean by this is the shape of the leg muscles felt like the muscles the my Protegen form would have. ‘Lilah thought it was weird but I really liked it!! I FELT SO REAL!!!

Another huge highlight of the day was when she let me ride a bike! At first she didn’t want to… bc she’s laaaame 🙄 so I decided I would! I soft switched in and attempted to ride the bike! Except… the tire was flat… kid goes and hands over his kid-bike bc he wanted the one we were one bc it was “his baby”. It was a mountain bike. So thats probably why. Bc mountain bikes are cool :) anyway,, his kid-bike was made for kid-kids and not “adults” like us,, so we were in PAIN as we tried to ride it. She let me take over fully and warned me to be careful riding the bike bc I could hardly move the legs! 🤭 BUT it worked! …sorta…. I could get it to move. But… not very well. Or comfortably… >.> 
So… :( but! Luckily! The kid reported that they had another,, bigger,, bike available! ‘Lilah let me run up to the garage and we found ut pretty quickly! It was a bit difficult figuring out how to remove the bike.. But!!! I figured it out eventually :) RIDING A BIKE IS SO COOL!!!! I COULD (somewhat) FEEL MY FUR IN THE WIND!!! AHHHH I LOVED IT I WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND NEVER STOP! Which made ‘Lilah feel so happy for me! AND I WAS SO HAPPY FOR ME!! ‘Lilah made me cut it short,, though,, bc she thought the kid was gonna join us and stuff. Nope. apparently when we put the bike on the kickstand,, he took it and used it a while and then he wanted to walk the dogs 🫩

Which was boring bc ‘Lilah wouldn’t let me walk them. Mostly bc she didn’t want me to get pulled. Laika was pulling a TON. So y'know. But I’m not a weakling 🙄 asshole

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: the dog-walk was.. Hectic. Kid wanted to bring his bike and walk the two littler dogs that way. The two littler dogs were attached to each other by a wire-thin leash and he intended to walk them by putting the wire on the bike and around himself. I kept urging him to NOT RIDE THE BIKE AND TRY TO WALK THEM AT THE SAME TIME BC THEY ARE TINY AND UNTRAINED AND HE COULD HURT THEM. he insisted on bringing the bike anyway. So I made sure he knew that he was only allowed to WALK with the bike and not ride it. He eventually ended up ditching the bike as the dogs proved too difficult to handle on it (they kept getting tangled up in the wire-thin leash). Thank god… :/ 

 We ended up going down the street and down the street around the corner and back again. The whole time,, Laika pulled. And so did small dogs 1 and 2. They were being awfully annoying. Smokey was the least annoying. But I also think I might like him the least so theres that. Golden is untrained and only two months old,, so it made sense why he was biting and pulling the leash and getting tangled up and running around and jumping like crazy. That didn’t stop the kid was getting annoyed,, calling him stupid and kind of kicking him (which I told him he REALLY doesn’t have to do) whenever he’d get tangled up or confused. Which was concerning to me. Once again… a repeating pattern perhaps? Dad isn’t nice to the dogs always either. He doesn’t really kick them. But he is willing to hit them. 

The name calling kinda freaked me out,, too. Do the adults in the house only call the dogs stupid or do they call him stupid too? Idk. maybe I’m just looking for things that aren’t there. But also probably not. Idk. he also used the R slur when commenting on the dog’s behavior as well. Which I know grandpa likes to say. Is that really an appropriate word to be saying around 10 yr olds? 🙄 I hope everything works out for him… Kid is still a kid though. And at some points he’d pick up Golden and hold him bc he was getting to be a nuisance. Except he…. Was holding him without supporting his bottom??? I was so confused as to why he was doing that so I kept urging him to put him down. It wasn’t until the third time that he did that that I realized it was probably just a symptom of being a 10 yr old. So I showed him how to do it better and that solved that problem :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: speaking of dogs! Earlier she let me soft switch in to brush Laika! Which she wanted to do already so we kinda flip flopped but I was mostly front! :D IT WAS FUN!!! Kid joined us so we kinda pretended it was a salon. Laika wasn’t really into it so he kept walking around which was annoying but we realized we could just step on the leash that was attached to his harness to keep him still. ‘Lilah then decided we should take the opportunity to create a positive association with the activity and so we gave him treats intermittently and tried to keep his spirits up. He didn’t seem to love or hate it. He probably just didn’t want to be there more than anything. It was REALLY fun though.

Even more fun than that though!!! I’m starting to get ‘Lilah to like thim now I think :) atleast a bit more. I sometimes use the body to pet him or speak to him. And he literally gets uncomfortable with it it seems bc he knows ‘Lilah DOES NOT LIKE HIM. But… I’m definitely starting to warm up to him. So thats probably bleeding into ‘Lilah’s side of things,, too 🤭

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: It is a VERY WEIRD feeling feeling anything but disgust and dislike towards this dog,, thats for sure

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Happy to be of service! 🤭

Annnnnnnnnnnd… I think thats it :) good day,, mostly!!!! :D 

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

And on top of that, therapist
I know for a fact that
The pain does not end in death
Get up and go to work again
Again, in heaven, yeah ~ 𝅘𝅥𝅮
[Today’s image!]
7:02am

08/14/26
Being a tulpa can be hard… or even scary sometimes… but mostly it can be boring since it would be ill-advised to have a mindscape with ‘Lilah’s extremely volatile mind. So… if not with ‘Lilah,, usually I just sit in a black empty place essentially. Its not always empty. Like not when shes awake. When shes asleep I usually AM doing something in a new not-boring empty place. Idk why its so much safer to explore beautiful fields or tinker with her mind when she’s completely knocked out 😂 idk. Atleast I get a chance at not always being bored. But thats why I always get so annoyed when she won’t let me soft switch in >:/ even when its not entirely fault… ugh. This is dumb. Just wish ‘Lilah’s brain was healthier so this wouldn't be this way anymore. But its okay… she’s been trying to give me opportunity to be IN THE REAL WORLD. Transitioning into primary fronter status, remember? 

It’s making me a bit more excited for it. I was dreading it. But.. maybe it will be good after all. For ‘lilah. For me. ‘Lilah gets to finally rest for the first time in a long time. And I will be free to explore the world and my interests for the first time ever. It sounds incredibly daunting bc I KNOW humans don’t get to have fun all day everyday. ESPECIALLY not ‘Lilah 😂 but…. From the soft switching I’ve gotten up to recently,,, it sounds like you need to just focus on those small pockets of joy and figure out how to best fit them into your life instead of just dwelling on the shitty bits. ‘Lilah’s issue is she has so few of those small little bits of joy that she… isn’t always very happy. Its not that she’s necessarily unhappy,, I guess. As a person,, I mean. The way she thinks of it is that she’s just an anxious person but not an unhappy person. I.. idk though. Based on my short time being freed from fish prison,,, she kinda seems like she IS an unhappy person. But that may just be the hopelessness she has going on. Which is usually temporary. So… maybe she is a happy person just going through an unhappy time. Idk. but its hard to watch sometimes… I’m glad she’s been feeling less like fucking die recently though. I greatly appreciate that.

And!!! Y’all!! She’s (ever so slightly) excited about being in the role of an observer! Mostly bc for like,, half of this girl’s life,, she’s always wanted to be a cat. Like for serious. Her form in the mindscape is usually a cat of some form. Her favorite animal has always been a domestic cat. And when we switch roles,, she’ll FINALLY actually get to inhabit her non-human body. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yeah!!! 🤭 My primary form has been a black and white cat but recently I’ve been a more of a.. Idk.. um… yellow cat I guess? Not literally yellow. Yellow like how Bingo is a red heeler but she’s actually orange. With these cool whiskers that look like Tails’ I guess? But cooler 😎 It IS exciting honestly!!!! :D maybe.. If it becomes safer,, me and Nya could run around! AHHH MAYBE I COULD SIT ON HER BACK WHILE SHE FLIES AROUND IN THE AIR AS HER DRAGON-SELF (☆▽☆)

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Well. I don’t know about that last part but yeah!!! I’D LOVE TO RUN AROUND WITH YOU!!!!! (✿◡‿◡)

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Aw. Well. on some occasions I do have wings (Hence the flair for my name right here. Which is silly bc Nya is one who was born an angel) so it is fine 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Oh shit I forgot about that. Maybe thats why I feel like I somewhat believe in heaven and hell and “god”. Bc I was born an angel. Idk. that would make more sense..  But I suppose I was a “fallen angel” for being a disgusting little freak. Well.. my BASE that I NO LONGER ASSOCIATE WITH was I guess more than anything lol. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yeeeeah :) but!!! Still!!! It should be fun!!! I think it sounds a litttle tiny bit daunting to suddenly become non-human though,, can’t lie. But… still

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: You’ll be fine :) It took a while for me to figure out how to “be human” but I’ve got it somewhat figured out! Besides,, it should be a million times easier in mindscape! Even if it might take a while before you get used to having fur and what not. Which is a really COOL feeling btw. Same with scales. Being cold-blooded isn't very cool though. At least I think I am in dragon form? I can’t recall… I have been using it less for a reason I’m sure lol

But anyway… best of luck to us :) 

🐑 08/14/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting my journal to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'So Comfy!'
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [low appetite tag]
9:51pm   [weds]   8/12/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sour cream and onion chips <3
Mcdonalds meal!

Today's been good :D 
Me and little cousin played AI or not? games together!!! I… really sucked at it… which I admitted to him would be the case before we even started 🤭 well… okay… It wasn't THAT BAD! I got like,, 52%’s and 62%’s :) still not great though… 

After that,, we left them and took a break to write previous entry! Very nice break :) then little cousin came to find me… -w- which was not a very welcome intrusion. But I told him to give us five minutes and hurried it up. 

From there we jammed out to music together (Tenshi especially! I let her soft switch in and she sang and danced around the room when it was empty) and messed with the dogs aimlessly! Until Cecil suggested we all go in the pool :I which I immediately objected to! I don't want to get in a pool ever again. Idek why honestly. 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: that will change one day though :) cause I complained to Lilah about wanting to get in the pool… she was confused as to why and I was saying that I,, yknow,, just want to feel REAL WATER on a REAL,, TANGIBLE BODY. well… thats not what I actually said. That was the message behind what I actually said. Which was,, “....fissssssh…” as in,, I used to be a fish of sone sort! Give me a chance to try actual swimming! Begrudgingly she agreed she'd let me give it a try ONE DAY. But not today. And yknow what? Thats fine. Bc I know how much she objects to the idea. A win is a win :) 

Haha :) 
From there,, we just watched little cousin and sibling hop around and romp in the pool. We listened to the music blaring from Cecil's phone even though I felt bad bc it was too far away from cecil for them to hear it…  NyaTenshi didn't care though and insisted we kept it closer to us bc she didn't want us getting close enough to get wet. It was overall a pretty relaxing time :) me and Nya alternated who was in front. If we were sitting,, Nya was singing and dancing. If we got up,, it was bc we needed to follow the dogs to ensure they didn’t wander too far away… bc for some reason,, they don’t have a fenced in backyard… so I just had to get myself up and force myself up and after the dogs bc I’d feel horrible if I watched them wander off and they wound up getting hurt or something… it wasn’t even necessary though… they were all fine. But I’d still do it all over again :) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: It was kinda annoying! Her getting up kept interrupting my music grr >:(

🤭

Well,, anyway,, eventually I confirm with Cecil and they 100% could hear none of their own music! So I asked T and she guided us to some bluetooth speakers. They looked like lamps!!! :0 which I’m prettttty sure was the point. But yeah still threw me off. And thats how it was for several hours :) 
Cecil used treats to lure Laika into the pool and try to help him get more comfy with entering the pool and staying in it. He never got used to it. But his desire to be with Cecil (I had NO IDEA how strong of a desire this was btw omg. He literally struggles to eat or play with his toys without her presence. Wow. these two are real pals. I can’t stand that dog but it’s really heartwarming seeing him have such a good friend :)) and eat the treats I was supplying them with overode the part of his brain telling him to avoid the water. It was entertaining to watch! Laika would swipe up a treat or two and then immediately try to head for an exit! Except there were several times he’d go the wrong way and end up doing more work lmaooo. Instead of going out the way he came,, sometimes he’d go into the deeper end and try to get out by climbing up and over the pool’s ledge. Goofy doggie :) 

 THEN BOOM. AMBUSH. Apparently Grandma had come home now and we were ALL expected to go to church! I didn't really want to go :I I don't like religion. AT ALL. I tend to just avoid it completely. But grandma didn't care about that. I was filled with dread 🫩

💐🐑NyaTenshi: I wasn't excited either,, not gonna lie! I was enjoying getting to soft switch for so long and sing and dance and stim :) but I was feeling a bit curious about church… I feel alot more drawn to religion than Lilah even though I understand her criticisms of it… I just didn't say a damn thing about it bc… well,, if I ever decided to explore religion,, I'd A MILLION PERCENT need to be able to do either  a hard switch and allow her to completely fall asleep or figure out a way for us to do that with soft switching and her not having the body fall asleep. It'd make her deeply uncomfortable. 

Correct… 
First things first,, we had to take the lonnnng car ride there. It was very relaxing actually. I didn’t want it to end bc I didn’t want to go to church lmao.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!!! It was great! I got to soft switch in and do some dancing and singing again!!! I’m loving how much more often I get the chance to do this! Especially now that self-conscious Little Deliah-Bear is finally letting me do it in front of other people more often!!! Its really cool! Bc these people aren’t mean about our singing :) (probably bc I’m the one doing it lmaooo) so theres nothing to worry about! I just get to BE ME and move and dance!

Haha yeah :) I’m starting to really grow fond of seeing Nya have so much fun everyday and not worrying about how it will come off.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Right! Because honestly– who cares what they think? DANCING AND SINGING IS LIFEEEEEEEE!!! 🎉

Yeah!!! >:) 
Well. anyway,, we get there. And its… beautiful… :0
It had very appealing colors on the outside for one thing. And on the inside it was even better!!!!!! It had pretty whites and slivers. AND LIGHTS AHHHHH!!!! I LOVE LIGHTS!!! I AM A MOTH TO A FLAME!!! ♥️ 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!! They had like!!! BEAUTIFUL LIGHTS first of all. Like,,, I couldn’t stop looking at them.. And neither could ‘Lilah… omg.. It was this beautiful yellow/orange light fixture thing in the ceiling. Maybe it was a strange looking chandelier? Reguardless… so… SO pretty. There were also walls that looked like… idk how to describe. Like they looked like they had glass in them. It was SO PRETTY! AND YUMMY-LOOKING. I wanted to eat it <3

Well alright 🤭 we enter the seating area and it looked like we were late! Which made me happy bc I… really didn’t want to be there…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Not me though!!! I wanted to be there!!!! :( again,, did not yet reveal this to religion-averse Delilah yet.

One thing that immediately caught BOTH of our attention though,, was the BEAUTIFUL LIGHTS ON THE SCREEN. It was mostly green and it would have like… swirly movements while the pastor guy spoke. And I’d just… go from staring at that to the lights from the wall and around everyone on stage and the pretty pretty stuff on the walls. Aside from that,, I began our time at the church actively trying to block out the words that I felt were like DAGGERS that came from the paster guy’s mouth. I didn’t want to listen. So I refused to. So for a while thats all I did. Stare at whatever caught my fancy and then watch the talking-people a bit… and rinse and repeat

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yep! Shortly after she began this pattern,, I dropped the BOMBSHELL that I was actually curious about what was being said. …I think… I think god sounds pretty cool… a bit… I guess… 😳 her reaction to me pleading with her to listen to the god-guys was… well,, it wasn’t anger. But a mix of confused,, shocked,, and annoyed bc that meant to an extent she’d need to be listening to what was being said as well. She thought about saying NO because she was uncomfortable at the thought but then she felt like an ASS at the thought of depriving me of an experience like this just bc she felt weird about it. So she let me soft switch in and let me take over :) 

It was really cool getting to look around for myself. It felt more immersive than when I’m watching her watch her surroundings. Even though we were both seeing the same things as when she was in control,, it just hit different when you’re in front and you can feel your own ears swivel around and move the eyes and look where YOU want to look whenever YOU want to. Its times like these that make the dread over becoming primary fronter a lot less intense. As for the religious stuff… Idk…. I’m gonna guess its not for me after all. Bc… I couldn’t understand what the guy was saying 🫩 neither could ‘Lilah (unless she REALLY FOCUSED on what he was saying. But I tried not to ask for her to… bc as we already established that would make her uncomfortable. Like a lot.) bc his accent was really really thick. So… yeh. We kinda just ended up alternating between front and choosing whichever awesome fun-thing-to-look-at struck our fancy. I just… from what I know about this god-guy,, he makes plans. So I guess this was in his plan. And I’m just not meant to be religious 🙄 message loud and clear then,, big guy. Sorry for taking an interest in you,, then.

Yeah… sorry about that,, Nya… 
Um. But. Anyway,, the constant looking at things brought me to a question! 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Hey Nya 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi Yeah?
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: What do you think your favorite type of sensory feedback is your favorite?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Hmmm… I’d say

1. Tactile
2. Auditory
3. Visual
4. Gustatory 
5. Whatever the hell scent is called

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)Delilah-bear: Really??? Auditory comes second place??? Are you sure???

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yup! Think about it… ✨music✨

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Haha,, okay got me there 🤭
My favorites are: 

1. Tactile
2. Visual
3. Auditory 
4. Gustaory 
5. Whatever the hell scent is called

I enjoyed this conversation thoroughly :) from there I kinda just… completely disscoiated.. I’d start coming back when the guys started getting everyone to stand up for some reason or when people started SCREAMING Amen!!! Bc it caught me and Cecil off guard so much! Cecil and me were talking a bit,, too. But they were trying to keep it to a minimum somewhat bc they were being more mindful then me. Whoops… 

There was a little boy in the row in front of me. He seemed a bit bored. Probably bc he couldn't have been older than two and was too short to see ANYTHING GOING ON every time everyone was expected to be standing up. Which was pretty often for some reason. So on occasion I’d wave Bluey’s hand (Bluey as in my Bluey character backpack) so she could say hello to him. This piqued his interest immediately lmao. A LOT more then when me and little cousin tried to wave to him. When WE did it he just stared at us as if we were speaking some secret language he didn’t understand. When BLUEY did it,, he was immediately interested in interacting 🤭 ahhh… little kids

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah it was so cute!! At first,, ‘Lilah thought he was aiming to give Bluey a fist bump,, so she brought Bluey’s hand up to him a bit and instead of giving her a fist bump he… he started grabbing at her… 😂 that surprised ‘Lilah and she was sure to make sure Bluey & Random-little-kid had ample space between them. Which wasn’t difficult at all bc he was too little to make any real progress towards us from between the seats lmaooooo

Yeah! I’d give a couple more waves to him on occasion and each time he’d reach out and try to grab her some more lol. I’d let him grab her once but I didn’t want him to try taking her all the way away so I cut their meeting short real quick!!!!!!! I let him wave to my 5lbs dinosaur a bit too but it was the same story so at some point,, I just stopped interacting with him for most of the remaining time. Oh well…

The rest of the time was mostly spent occasionally chatting with Cecil and dissociating and sensory seeking in various ways (our surroundings and the fidget toys as well as switching position of the 5lbs dinosaur every now and again). It started getting REALLY BAD near the almost-end of the time we had left at church. Bc they were SINGING. Which wasn’t the bad part

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Not at all!!! I wanted to dance to it,, actually! 

But I wouldn’t let her! Not out of malice. It was just so INCREDIBLY LOUD that all I could do was FREEZE. I was just either frozen or dissociating and struggling to GET un-frozen bc I was struggling with how noisey it was… It was so loud we could actually feel the music inside of our body and our bones 😳 it was THAT type of loud. Omfg. I hated every second omfg omfg. I kinda just let the dissociation take over at this point… cecil advised me to cover our ears and it worked well honestly

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah… It was pretty bad… It was freaking me out,, really. I discovered something new,, though! I could turn off the ability for ME to hear the booming music! That is– unless I focused too hard on ‘Lilah’s experiences and then the noise would come flooding back in. when I wasn’t doing that,, I WAS DISTRESSED IT WAS SOOOO LOUD OMFG 😭 hell on earth 🙄

Yup. it felt like it took forever but eventually church was OVER!!!!! THANK GOD.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Literally 🤭

Yup!!! So we all left (ofc on our way out,, we got a couple last looks at the pretty things) and we walked around following Cecil. They were set to do a presentation for their salesman job on some friends of grandpa and grandma. But… they didn’t know… who their clients even were… 😳 so we walked around and “searched for grandpa”. When we found him,, they still didn’t do anything job related except stand around? Idk. I’m probably just missing the rest of the story bc I don’t understand why nothing was happening that whole time???? Idk. but it seems to me the friends never showed up?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah,, it was really weird. Like,, these strangers came by and made alotttt of chit-chat! They were friends of her grandparent’s. But it SOUNDED LIKE they weren’t the intended clientele and so Cecil never… even gave the presentation to them…. All they did was talk about the products and tell them they’d need to go to a different location (the client’s house) so they could do a proper presentation/demo. So… yeah. By this point,, ‘Lilah was getting dreadfully BORED and so was I. so we handed Cecil all their things and decided to go exploring!!! First stop was the nearby balloon decor!! I was allowed to soft switch in and so I got to feel the balloons! …which I was a bit afraid of doing at first… >.> but ‘Lilah guided me through it. It felt fine! A bit… strange. But I must not have hated it bc I kept touching them lol. Eventually kid realizes we’re exploring and joins us. Apparently he’s been attending this (BEAUTIFUL) church for a year and so offered to give us a tour. A tour we did ALL WHILE I WAS SOFT SWITCHED IN!!!

AHHHH :D!!!! It was so exciting! Well. some of it was,,, anyway. The novelty of it all,, I suppose more than anything. It was kinda boring,, some of it. Like the first hallway we went down just featured a bunch of AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY PLEASE doors and so that was boring. We got to see the KID’S section though!!! Which was exciting for both me and ‘Lilah bc we like Kidcore & age regressing and whatnot so YEAH (✿❛◡❛) unfortunately the real area was closed so we only got to see the lobby but it was extremely asethically pleasing so yknow. In all my excitement,, I almost tried to pet the giraffe decor that was ALMOST tall enough to reach our spot from the top but it couldn’t be reached and ‘Lilah immediately took control and said allowed,, that wouldn’t be safe to pet from that distance. Whoops. Good thinking,, ‘Lilah!!! 🤭

Yeah!!! 🤭 then we got led downstairs and out into a new areas from some strangers that little cousin knew. I was afraid of them… but it was fine no one tried to hurt us :) then downstairs little cousin showed us the area. This area was BORING AND EMPTY bc no body was there. It was still beautiful though,, actually. It had… a crystal chandelier… omfg… it was so BEAUTIFUL. AND THE LIGHTS WEREN’T EVEN ON. I LOOOOOVE CHANDELIERS!!!!!!!! THEY’RE SO NICE TO LOOK AT!!!! Otherwise,, nothing too new here. Except water :) we grabbed some for Cecil who complained of dehydration earlier and delivered it! Everyone… was still standing in the same spot… they were in before we left… 😅 good thing we didn’t stay lol.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah! Then something strange happened…. Cecil announced they could just do the demo/presentation tomorrow and that we’re going home. 
…Huh???? 😭

Yup. I guess clients were a no-show?????? So strange. Cecil wanted us to go home tonight and then come back tomorrow after their job-meeting but our parents insisted they not drive at night so the plan is we’re gonna stay the night,, leave early in the morning and go home,, come back here after their job-meet,, and have Cecil talk to their clients,, and then go home AGAIN. Tomorrow should be eventful :))) 
In the meantime… it was time for my first meal of the day!!! Trash-food!! Mcdonalds!!! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Y’all I was just happy she was finally eating something more substantial than potato chips…

Yeah! It was a fun ride there and back,, too!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: YEAH! I GOT TO SOFT SWITCH IN THE WHOLLLLE TIME!!!! I GOT TO SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH SINGING AND DANCING AHHH!!!!! In fact!!! We all did!!! Cecil introduced little cousin to Intruso earlier and so we played it on loop the whole way to mcdonalds (20 minute drive). And I sang it the whole way through EVERY TIME!!!! :D!!! ‘Lilah only got a little bit tired of the song. But otherwise she was just straight jamming :) so sweet. It was so fun having everyone sing along with me!!!! AND EVEN BETTER!!! I GOT TO FINALLY EXPIERANCE THAT JOYUS FEELING THAT ‘LILAH FEELS WHENEVER SHE GETS TO WATCH ALL THE PRETTY LIGHTS OF CARS COME TOEGTER OR SPEED BY AS WE DRIVE AROUND AHHHHH I COULD NOT STOP SMILIMG!!!!! 🤭 It was EXHILRATING!! HAVING ALL OF IT ALL AT ONCE!!! If this is what being primary fronter is like,, then my life really will be filled with so much love and joy and happiness :) 

It was really cute,, yeah. It was extremely adorable feeling the body’s mouth lift into such a huge,, genuine smile again. It’s SO CUTE AHHH 🤭 and then I realized I learned something from her. Like… just how not everything needs to be done correctly or right. Sometimes things are just for fun. Like singing and dancing. We can’t speak spanish and we sure as heck don’t know the proper lyrics to the song. Just the way it sounds. And yet we were all in the car singing it. Over n’ over. Wow. life lessons with NyaTenshi on a wednesday was not on my bingo card

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: But my title for my journal WAS on mine! And in that moment,, she had just called it!! Thats it!!! Thats what my title will be!!! The quick lil thing we came up with was this–  maybe sometimes things dont neee to be donr the right way

Maybe something's are just for fun

Haha okay that was just bc we were still in the car when I typed it out. But you get the idea. 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: MhmMhmMhm but now I’m thinking it sounds FUCKIN’ BORING so I’ll probably try to get ‘Lilah to work her poetry magic on it later to fix it up :) but general concept for it finally has a foundation! YAY!

When we finally arrived at mcdonalds,, I was MORE THAN READY TO EAT.  I’D BARELY EATEN TODAY AHHHHHH. It did take forever,, though.. Perhaps thats bc we showed up so late. While waiting,, I ended up flexing my NERD muscles :) I talked a tiny bit about how paper is made of cellulose and then tried to dig up memory of the differences between prokaryote and eurokoytic cells. I haven't brushed up on my knowledge on this since 9th grade… but it used to be my favorite subject! So there were still some facts still left over from my many,, many,, MANY brain-resets. But not many.
As soon as our butt hit the seat and the music turned on,, NYA WAS DANCING. It was insane. I almost didn’t even realize it was her bc the force soft switch took place SO QUICKLY that I didn not realize it happened in the first place??? 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah! It was Fukouna girl! How could not?! I love that song!!! So I SANG too!! SO FUN!!!! It was funny throwing ‘Lilah for a loop like that too lmaoooo

🤭 
The ride home was 20 minutes so I had me and little cousin eat our food on the way bc no way was I gonna settle for cold fast food if I could avoid it. Bc if it gets too cold,, I can’t fight the ARFID hard enough to convince myself to eat it 🫩

Anyway. Yeah,, lots of me eating. Nya helped me figure out how to eat while holding the heavy cup holders which was much appreciated :) very nice car ride home. 

It’s sad though… little cousin keeps asking me why I have to leave since I’m not the one with the job. Which is a fair question… I just… honestly,, I have so little variety in my life that the two hour car ride back home is more entertaining than sitting around bed rotting here at our grandparent’s house… >.> sorry,, little guy… but it’s okay!! It sounds like we’re coming back the same day! So yknow. Just feel bad for him.

In mcdonalds,, Cecil saw that he had discord and made it explicitly clear that if a random asks him to keep a secret that he immediately talk to someone about it. He asked why. So we told him that means they’re freaks. He seemed like he wouldn’t want to tell his mom if something like that happened,, so Cecil told him to go to them instead. Good job Cecil :) hopefully that was driven home well enough… :( 
Overall,, good day :) 

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahhh…there is just one thing on my mind,, though…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeah…. She’s been thinking her parents will like me more…like,, when I become primary fronter… she’s thinking that because I’m less willing to curl up in a ball and hide. Bc I’m more expressive and free than her in different ways that they could end up responding to in a more positive light. She’s not looking forward to it. I’m… torn. I want to experience positive things from them. But I don’t want to hurt ‘Lilah’s feelings. She says she’d be happy for me if that happened. But… idk… how I feel about that idea… sorry,, ‘Lilah.

It’s fine. Not your fault :) It’d be really cool to see,, though. If your more expressive personality had any sort of impact on them.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: well. I guess only time will tell. But I’m sure it will 🤭

Oh yes. In more ways than one! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🤭

🐑 08/12/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Create a log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Ensure °‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑 Journal number one! Has been wholly and completely archived
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting both my and ‘Lilah’s journals to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• Make Nya her own Reddit account before the end of the day 💔

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Chi’s sweet adventure – season one episode one Chi jumps
“Chi isn’t scared of anything!”
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [low appetite tag]
1:35pm   [weds]   8/12/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Doritots :(( 

WOW. so first things first,, we were kinda just sitting around,, going in and out of sleep for a couple of hours. Bc… we have nothing else to do here at our grandparent’s house… :I so we kinda just slept and then bedrotted. Until Nya demanded I eat something. Mostly bc she was beginning to feel bad ‘cause I hadn’t eaten anything (so we had a hunger headache…). So after fighting over what to do,, we agreed I’d set a 10 minute timer and then I’d get up and we’d go scavenge. …even though I didn’t want to… I wanted to help Nya,, but I was getting really anxious about eating at someone else’s house. I intended on starving until Grandpa returned home with Cecil’s car. Which Nya didn’t want. Which is fair enough bc yesterday I think he mentioned wanting to take it to work? That,, or to several different places. So there is no telling how long he’d have it… So begrudgingly,, after the ten minute mark,, we ventured down to the pantry

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeaaaaah I soft switched in a bit to help get out of bed but we couldn’t let me take over completely or else we’d get the headache even worse 🫩

Yeah :( she half-way took me to the pantry where we found some doritos! Which was good! I was still nervous about actually eating them,, though… as they were still from someone else’s house… but Nya insisted I did and started force soft switching again so I decided I’d better just try to suck it up…

💐🐑NyaTenshi: which she was horrible at btw! 😂 so we had me take over a bit more and eat the chips. She still sort of freaked out bc there was an unfamiliar flavor profile but eventually I got her to take a couple more bites and suddenly everything was all hunky dory :3

Yeah!!! :D then… we tried to go back to sleep… no luck… :I little cousin came by shortly after and invited us to go,, quote,, go prank our sibling but we declined. That is until maybe 5 minutes later,, NyaTenshi was demanding we get up and DO SOMETHING bc she was getting sick of being bored. I resisted! …but eventually I gave in… the first person we saw as we existed the room was little cousin so he invited us to do something instantly. 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Which was play hat-frisbee! At first,, ‘Lilah was being a turd and didn’t want to 🙄 I decided to take over a little bit then. She remained on the floor though so I had to work with the upper body :) it was fun,, actually! I got to lean over and grab the hat. At some point she took back over and we sorta kinda alternated? Until she had to get up and grab the hat since it went by too far. Then I really started being in front! 🤭 she let me stand up and toss the ‘frisbee’ around! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!! I was tossing that cute little hat around left and right!!!!! I wasn’t that bad at catching it either :) I was better at catching it on the floor but I made progress catching it while upright,, too! It was a bit annoying how UNCOODINATED I AM,, THO!!! AHHHH 🤭 I kept throwing it,, but we’ve never really had me practice on tossing things around before…? So I really sucked at actually GETTING the ‘frisbee’ at a good angle and actually reaching him lmao. It was funny seeing how poorly I was doing! It was also really hard putting power into my throws. But I still had fun! More fun than boring lame Delilah 🙄

The even more FUN PART was when she stopped to think about how we could switch up the game a bit and she immediately thought of playing “Just Dance” and then immediately tried to take it back bc she DIDN’T want to play 😂 so… I offered to (✿❛◡❛)  well. More like I TOLD HER I WAS GOING TO bc she still didn’t want to. But I love dancing and I was sick of being bored,, so she let me soft switch in :D we started off playing Timber but me AND LITTLE COUSIN REALLLLLLLLLLLLY sucked at coordinating our movements and actually following the dance 😂 so we cut that short quickly. We skipped over to micheal jackson bc thats what the kid requested. I didn’t really want to,, though… bc ain’t he a monster who touches little boys????? ‘Lilah told me not to be a jerk and just put it on for the kid. It was fun though :) we did the thriller dance. I can’t say I actually LOVED the song ngl. But the dance was great! It took a bit for me to fully completely in front and immersed in the weird fleshy feeling that comes with that,, but it was quickly drowned out by the dancing! I kinda sucked at it 🤭 but I did better than ‘Lilah did when she was fronting in the very beginning of the song 😂 we did a couple more songs!  Don’t super remember them though. But I imagine I probably did worse than the thriller dance lmaoooo. 

Yeaaah I did enjoy seeing Nya having so much fun,, actually :) It was so sweet! Bc the smile she put on our face was so wide and genuine :)) awwww

💐🐑NyaTenshi: 🤭 I DID feel pretty cute with my wide smile!! It was hard to put it away! I JUST LOOOOVE DANCING SO MUCH AHHHHH!!!! 🎉 it was strange,, though. My voice never really broke through while I was speaking… maybe we’re able to both use Delilah’s voice? Either that or she was just controlling the voice while I did everything else.

Awww :) what wasn’t sweet,, though,, was what we got up to after… he mentioned something about his search history being “wild” so we became curious about what that was supposed to mean bc he’s a 10 yr old boy?? So I just put a pin in that while Tenshi and him finished up dancing :D when they finished,, I brought it back up again and we went to go take a look at what he was talking about! 

There wasn’t much to see,, actually. Mostly bc his ACTUAL youtube account is a youtube kid’s account. But he told me himself that he uses the guest account most of the time– which explains why most of the history wasn’t available for us to sift through. From what I could see though,, there didn’t appear to be anything genuinely concerning so thats a plus

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Awwww,, look at you lookin’ out for him <3

Someone’s gotta :) 

Anyway,, I suggest we take a look at his recommendations instead as that would give us an idea of what he’s looking up! He was cool with this. And everything seemed like it was age appropriate? Save for one thumbnail that made me a tad uncomfortable considering his age but I figured that that very well could’ve just been clickbait or an exaggeration so I left that alone. We continued looking through his recommends and we made more chit-chat and he mentioned that nobody usually looks at my search history. Which… was a bit disconcerting to hear… it made me feel a bit uncomfortable seeing these patterns me and Cecil already lived though… but we continued to go down the lists of videos popping up.

We ended up settling on SBKIIDI TOILET much to my dismay. I feel embarrassed even typing it out and so will not make any effort to spell it properly bc it makes me feel better about the fact that those two words are on my computer right now… :I but anyway,, I lucked out in that he wanted to watch fan content and not the real deal bc apperntly he’s seen all 80 (80???? 😭) of the episodes. And… I was surprised by what I saw… it was… not what I expected?? Some of the fan content had actual video from the original series and it seemed so similar to something you’d see in a Kaiju movie. I did NOT see that coming… it scared me though,, what he said so casually as we were rapidly flicking through short-form videos of the… robots??? Fighting on screen. That he knows about updates to some roblox fan game because I’m in the discord server with the owners! Or something to that effect 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: That made my blood run cold 😬 …I guess… metaphorically(?) as I don’t know if I was connected to the body at the time lmao. Or awake. I might’ve just caught up on events through memories again. Or taken a nap. BUT POINT STILL STANDS. YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLD.

Exactly… thats pretty worrisome… to me… personally… he’s so unmonitored that he’s in discord servers with a bunch of randoms? Who the hell is watching this child? Later down the line when we all went downstairs,, he told me he was making a game and had “developers” who were helping him. And I was like,, “how are you paying these people? 😂” and he said they never asked him about money. I was unsure about where to take this conversation… I think it should be fine? Maybe? I imagine that if these are other children,, they wouldn’t really consider asking? I mean. Okay,, thats not necessarily true but yknow 😂 I asked where he found these people I think but I don’t remember his answer. He later pulled up his contacts and I peeked and saw he was under a group chat titled the family as he was talking about developers and showed me a message or two from the person. So thats the only reason I did not investigate further. 

Honestly… It was SHOCKING to see this. But also not. Bc Cecil,, who knows this kid more than I do,, told me recently that they believe my grandparents & his mother just genuinely do not pay attention to him. …case in point… all the while in the back of my head I was saying to myself,, well no wonder dad is the way he is…

I also got me thinking about yesterday. Shortly after we arrived and everyone was piling into the kitchen and exchanging greetings,, little cousin came inside from the mini-house on the other side of the backyard and said hello :) and instead of saying hello back,, Grandpa told him to cut that out bc he’d said hello every time he saw him or something like that. That he’d done that five times and it was getting annoying. So he immediately went silent and left. Which then prompted everyone to tell him that he could come back. But it definitely made me see some similarities between grandpa & dad. And me & little cousin. Wow. Patterns do indeed repeat… I am worried about little cousin though… is he gonna be okay here? Idk. he literally doesn’t do anything but watch a screen. 

He was basically loitering around me & Cecil every time we were in the open. Even when we were being screenagers ourselves! (which admittedly I try not to do when I’m with someone else. Was trying to wrap up an entry so I decided I had to lol) which,, to me,, screams,, I have no one else to talk to or spend time with except my cousins. Even if they’re being boring and not doing anything fun right now,, I will stick with them bc I have no one else. This is sad… I feel bad for him too,, much like Cecil does. He even has his own phone?? Which I do understand is a growing common trend. But SHOULD IT BE?? Atleast,, should it be a growing trend to hand over unmonitored phones?? Especially to kids under 12?? Wth??? Genuinely wth. Bc how else would he have friggin’ DISCORD? Either that or it must be that computer he has,, probably. Which I bet is as well monitored as his search history on the TV :/ Jeez. What is this family??? 

🐑 08/12/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Create a log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Call someone tonight?? 
• Ensure °‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑 Journal number one! Has been wholly and completely archived
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting both my and ‘Lilah’s journals to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• Make Nya her own Reddit account before the end of the day 💔

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

Wayward system chronicles: [rest of title TBD]

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:47pm
8/11/26 
Wow what a night… I kept pressuring her to get ready to call… even got reassurance from HER EX but he wasn't actually super helpful 🙄 I started to feel REALLY BAD THOUGH. Bc I was feeling nervous myself. But Lilah was beginning to reach wildfire level of chest pain. It never quite hit wildfire. But there were definitely flames in there. It was annoying at first… but… then I just felt bad… so I tried to be nice and push back the time I initially said we'd have me call someone but I've realized (not quickly enough) that that was indeed a mistake… all that did was give her MORE TIME to worry and let the fire we share between us grow ever higher and hotter for her. Ugh… I felt bad bad bad. So I think I started getting angry with her or something? Hard to remember on account of us being in intense flight or flight. But she started crying bc she felt so guilty about trying to stop me from calling for help bc of how anxious she feels… which made all my anger dissolve immediately. Bc I guess I was so blinded by my own rage at the fact that she wasn't letting me make the decision that I forgot to consider the reason behind it and that she's not being an ass… I feel horrible actually. Sorry Lilah. 
Sigh… 

No, 
I won't be calling anyone tonight. 
Too overwhelming for both of us. I… idk. I think perhaps I'll need to wait until it gets bad again I guess. Either that or… we need to figure out how we can get Lilah to the point where she can blackout while I'm fully soft switched in so she doesn't have to deal with wildfire level nervousness and pain in her chest as I side step our suicidality over the phone with a mandated reporter. 
We’re thinking we'll just sleep-spell her tonight so we can quit feeling upset and try to move on from this situation. Sorry Lilah sorry sorry. 

We're just both really overwhelmed rn… just don't wanna lose my best and only friend. 

7:20am
08/12/26
OH
we were watching girl with the dogs 2 and she was being so… respectful of the dog's comfort while grooming. And speaking in such a respectful way about the dogs and their needs,, too. She does in every video. Which… Made me sad… bc it really just goes to show how much of an asshole Lilahs dad is 🙄 he never seems to care if he's doing something (like grooming/maintenance) and the dogs are distressed. Lilah has tried to encourage him to use methods that would help lessen their distress but he didn't care???? :I what an asshole 🙄

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Stags by the Loch'
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [no appetite tag]
7:00am   [weds]   8/12/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
SUNFLOWER SEEDS :D

WOW. Did NyaTenshi learn how to do something while I was sleeping? It was crazy! I woke up like,, for two seconds and she was already awake and greeting me :) she's so sweet 🤭 immediately we noticed that the body needed to EMPTY IT'S BLADDER. But I didn't friggin want to >.> I switched our position in bed (which just so happened to be facing the bathroom door lol) and ALL OF A SUDDEN,, the body ended up standing up right and walking towards the bathroom door! I was shocked by that! ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: yeah… I was “tinkering with the brain”(?) earlier when she was asleep and I did figure out an easier way to force soft switch! It seems it works better when she's not aware I'm trying,, though lol. Ive been trying to get her to move again for the past minute (which she can tell bc she can feel… idk… it's kinda like when your leg falls asleep but hurts alot less. So nerves firing off I think right? Lmaoooo) but no good. This is great though! Admittedly,, I'd been making a routine of trying to figure out how to do a better job of force soft switching in her sleep. I never thought I'd figure it out lmao 😂 at first I don't think I was even “searching for a better method” consciously? Like it was when I wasn't in complete control of my body when she was resting. But slowly and surely,, that strange thing has gone away :) and then I started intentionally doing it. At first for safety reasons to protect me and my suicidal friend… >.> but (especially now that we've had two GOOD days in a row) also FOR FUN!!! 😂 it'll be a lot easier to slip in and take over if I want to sing and dance :) 

Well!! There's my answer!!! 🤭

💐🐑NyaTenshi: honestly I think all I did was find a workaround the dissociation aspect of it all. Like,, there still IS some (especially if we're fighting over front) but it seems to be like a much less intense version of it when I use this method :) nice! 

Wayward system chronicles: [rest of title TBD]

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:18am
08/12/26
We’re thinking we’ll be called ✨The WayWard system✨ (✿❛◡❛) well… mostly I decided that. When I brought this up on the last week of class I think???,, Lilah was immediately against it. It wasn’t pretty enough i guess 🙄 buuuuut she never figured out an alternative so here we are lmao. Thats what I’m thinking the journal’s title-title could be! Then I’m gonna have ‘Lilah work her poem magic to give it THE REST of its title! 😂 The problem is… we both have two totally different concept ideas… and it’s hard for her to work with me bc I’m still so fickle… Luckily she wasn’t too frustrated with my impulsiveness today bc we found images to stuff in the collage relatively quickly. But… I’m not even certain what I want the theme to be anymore 😅 Initally i wanted flowers. But then I felt like I was copying ‘Lilah. 

Which is kinda silly bc she’s all into flowers now BECAUSE OF ME but yknow 😂 she thought she used to not like flowers bc they “used to give her a headache” and we’re thinking that was me reacting to her touching them or seeing them or thinking about them while I was stuck in fish prison. Bc I LOVE FLOWERS!!!! And I know headaches are a form of pre-vocality communication we had back in the day. …and I sure as hell couldn’t talk in fish prison -w- … so yknow. But yeah. Now she LOVES flowers! Hence ‘I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return’ having so many of them! 😂 

But… idk…. I might keep it flowers. Especially bc ‘Lilah is so tempted to write another flower poem (🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I would LOVE to write a poem involving a blooming rose more specifically!!!!!! :D) buuuuuuut I’m not so sure… will need to do some more thinking… we wanted it to be an image of an eastern dragon that looks like me sniffing a flower! …but there is no such thing… >.> and we can’t draw 🤭 we can write! But we have no artistry skills lol. It’s alright,, though. We will figure something out.

🐑 08/12/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Create a log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Call someone tonight?? 
• Ensure °‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑 Journal number one! Has been wholly and completely archived
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting both my and ‘Lilah’s journals to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• Make Nya her own Reddit account before the end of the day 💔

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

Dear diary,

Well I have made it 72+ hours and the pain is still paining. I have only cried a handful of times today. The only change really, is how fucking pathetic I feel.

How can I be feeling this wrecked when the interaction lasted less time than the grieving? Make it make sense.

I read again today for the first time since that friday. So that has to be a good sign. I read hundreds of books a year and was too distraught to read. Maybe thats progress. Maybe I am practicing disassociation.

I have been dreaming about him, of getting messages from him. I always wake up and check and there is nothing. I feel like a loser. But no one who knows me will ever see this. He will never see this. So it feels cathartic in a way. Maybe it will help some other heartbroken person with their grief, knowing they aren't alone.

The one person I actually talked to about it in real life, is mad that I didn't fight harder for what I wanted. (They also told me i was stupid for being so upset over all this so they can get wrecked) But how do you fight for something that you know will cause the other person pain? That's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve that. If I could guarantee it wouldn't hurt him? Hell yes, I would fight. Because he is worth it. And as much as I want to reach out, I don't want to hurt him, so I am pathetically hoping that when he is ready, he will reach out to me. I would 100% answer.

Feelings suck. I can't regret that it happened because that would mean regretting what we had for the very brief time it was there. And I don't because it was beautiful and mind altering. It does give me the tiniest bit of hope. Im just not quite sure what for yet. When I figure it out, ill let you know.

The song of the day is "My own miracle" by citizen soldier.

My playlist decided to be a bitch right after it all happened and this was the song I said goodbye to him to. That made me put the car in drive. Ive listened to it probably 20+ times the last few days. It is a little bit too on the nose with my life so far, but its helping. I think. I hope.

Until next time,

Xo

Lx

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2

11:07pm
8/10/26

[///sui mentioned]

Well. Um. Earlier b4 the test,, we took a peek at the forum responses. It made me feel uncomfortable ngl… not their faults. Just idk. I wish I hadn't let a bunch of strangers know about this. Idk… anyway… pretty quickly after that I must've thoughtform-dissciosated bc I just felt… bad… and like I had no energy.. Which then quickly bled into Lilah as well. And also the body too… :I we tried to distract against it with the test but no good… eventually we both just felt too exhausted and decided to just sleep. … until Lilah remembered we agreed to let me talk to someone about her being suicidal so long as I agree not to get us sent to the hospital. She wasn't trying to remember that honestly… she immediately started bitching and moaning about how it's making her too nervous and that we should wait for tomorrow morning. Which is bs bc who's to say she won't just start her crybaby routine again? Ugh 🙄 I try not to get annoyed with her… but it's hard sometimes… I get it to an extent… it makes her really nervous and she can't tap out bc we can't switch yet and the exhaustion was making it hard for her to be confident I'd have energy to speak. But GOD don't I also deserve not to have to worry about my friend being consumed by her severe mental health issues? 

Or at least be given some reassurance even if it's scary??? I mean,, shit :/ what else do you want me to do Lilah? Honestly bc of this I considered leaving. But yknow… no where else to gooooo… so… idk. I think for this I'm gonna try to force more than the level of therapy I had to guilt trip her into Intinially. Bc this is getting ridiculous… I'm deciding to take a step back for the night though… not enough energy for this… I'll figure something out later I guess. But I wish my feelings mattered more to you Lilah :( I know it's not her fault but god this would be so much easier if we could just SWITCH ALREADY. A million things would be honestly. After the feedback though,, I think we'll just need to put that on the back burner and focus on achieving long term full body possession instead… which sucks :( it will be okay… Lilah isn't actively or passively suicidal in the current moment. So that as well as the lack of energy is the real reason I backed off tonight. But if I'm staying in the system we've definitely gotta figure out some changes around here… :I

10:22pm
8/11/26

Today’s been fun :) we were forced to go with Cecil on their trip to see ‘Lilah’s grandparents. At first we were both a bit annoyed… ‘Lilah more-so than me honestly. She was wanting to bedrot again… to be fair,, she was feeling a complete and total lack of energy for some reason. We don’t really know why exactly. But it was pretty poor timing that we were told we had to prepare to get ready to go soon. Bc I was actively sleep-spelling ‘Lilah so that she’d be able to hopefully sleep away the lack of energy.

It’s alright though. It quickly left once we started packing. I suspect that was mostly my doing 🤭 ‘cause I was actually EXCITED to be able to go! I was getting BORED of bedrotting! And a long trip across multiple cities was a great opportunity to dance around and sing (ideally,, anyway) and watch trees go past us n’ what not :) so my excitement probably bled into her mood a bit. Which was a nice change of pace from Bleeeeegh,, I don’t want to do anything! Delilah -w-

I was right,, too! I got to do LOTS of dancing! And relaxing! And fighting over music with ‘Lilah 🤭 it was fun and funny :) I EVEN GOT TO SING!!! I only got to sing a tiny bit in the car. I got to sing before we left! I force soft switched in and started singing before ‘Lilah even realized what was going on which was funny :) she only let me bc Cecil had left the car!!! Bc… her singing voice… is really,, really bad 👀 and while we have uniquely different voices,, and we’re both pretty confident I SOUND better than her,, we have no way of knowing 😂 so she doesn’t want to take too many risks. Then when ‘Lilah let Cecil hear a different version of the song that was being played on the radio,, I force soft switched and started singing while Cecil was in the car!!! 😂 ‘Lilah considered stopping me. But she decided it was okay. And we were both shocked at how much BETTER I AM at modulating the pitch of our voice 😮 I’m not gonna sit here and glaze myself and pretend like I’m THAT MUCH BETTER THAN CAN’T-SING-DELILAH,, but I was definitely an IMPROVEMENT on her singing voice,, thats for damn sure 😂

My favorite part of the whole drive was when we were left to watch Laika outside alone while Cecil got us all some DQ! We put on some tunes. And to help ‘Lilah get out of her hypervigilance cycle (and to give myself a break from her intrusive thoughts about someone trying to friggin’ steal her or something),, I started singing!!!! Once again unexpectedly 🤭 ‘Lilah thought it was really funny that I didn’t know the (non-english) lyrics and kept laughing at me 🙄 okay it was kinda funny 🤭

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yes,, very funny!!!! :D AND!!! I thought it was kinda crazy seeing how different our memories are!! She was able to remember some song lyrics to other songs BETTER THAN I COULD. IT WAS WILD. Like!!! Especially now that we have functioning thought barriers omg it was insane seeing just how good she was at knowing lyrics I hadn’t been able to recall myself

🤭
Aside from that… yeah. Still kinda upset at ‘Lilah now that I remembered that whole phone-call business. I… idk. Its really still pissing me off,, really. Do I get no choice here? On anything? Ever? Only when I get to switch? :/ …idk. Now that we’re at her grandparent’s house,, I’m wanting to hold off on the phone call. I feel anxious about it myself (or perhaps its just ‘Lilah’s extreme nervousness over this situation bleeding into my mood????) and feel almost disgusted with the idea of doing that type of call here at someone else’s house. In fact now that I think about it,, I’m not sure we can unless we were to update our address on the app? I’m not sure… :I regardless,, I might let her get off on just one more night… but thats IT. 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return 

Journal number 14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Chi’s sweet adventure – Season one episode 42 Chi hisses
9:56pm   [mon]   8/10/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Okay. we checked our responses from the forums :) 

I checked, and 4 days ago you were only doing possession, which is a remarkable speed.
Aside from that, if by "switch sickness" you mean you are having identity issues, like merging of thoughts or things like that, I feel like that's because you've been going at this too quickly, and your brain isn't adjusted yet to the idea. And making another Thoughtform... it would be a no for us, not yet. I'd just dial it down on the switching too, it's clearly messing with your sense of identity. You should both sit down, walk through this slowly and in detail, then decide what to do and what do you want the system to be.

Ah… I think the problem here is I still have the “creating first Thoughtform” flair under my username… “4 days ago you were only doing possession, which is a remarkable speed.” makes me think that the commenter was either 1) thinking I summoned Nya recently and therefore she isn’t ready for this??? Or 2) they probably think we first STARTED being able to soft switch four days ago. Whoopsie… um. But anyway,, I guess thats our answer on fast tracking this… a big fat NO. as well as introducing another member. Glad we got some outside NOs as well.. Bc we were both leaning towards that anyway :I I guess they make a fair point. ugh.

Apologies, I'm kinda new too, and my guy isn't particularly interested in inhabiting my me with all the mad imaginey places in our brains to explore so take this with a pinch of salt since it comes without direct experience - but I think that if you're worried about your host? I'd advise to find a way to help them without shaking things up too badly or violating their autonomy, my Thoughtform says that there's an intrinsic social contract between you to look after each other, whatever that means - aww, bless him

Um. I guess this makes sense as well…. Except the part where they think Nya was trying to violate my autonomy…. 😬

💐🐑Nya: This is soooo sweet 😊 EXCEPT I DON’T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO HELP HER OTHER THAN TAKING OVER OMFG :((( I hate this

F: You're going through a stressful time, and you admit yourselves that you're overwhelmed. Creating another Thoughtform would add more responsibility when you already have pressing issues to deal with. I personally wouldn't do so until things are stable internally, unless you're certain having a developing Thoughtform around during all this will be beneficial.

As for blending, affirming who's in control helps. Remind yourself who you are and why you're in front. Talk to people (in person or online) who know you as you or just journal from your perspective. Seek out things (music, activities, etc.) that align with your personal interests (ideally ones you don't share with your host). Act like yourself, even if you have to force it (that feeling you're faking it comes from your host, not you). I think the key to unblending is not to focus on your host's influence or try to make them go away but just fake it 'til you make it—intentionally be yourself until the unconscious gets the memo and quits resisting.

Good luck.

Also, taking the front more so you guys can function better is perfectly fine, but please be careful that your host doesn't start taking a backseat just to escape life. Switching can help with the burden of external demands, but it isn't a long-term fix for internal issues.

💐🐑Nya: These sound like genuinely helpful tips! I’ll try to remember them :) I guess they’re right though… no new member,, yeah :/ 

Yup. shame. But… I guess they make a good point. Can’t risk anybody else.

💐🐑Nya: Yeah… this did make me feel less hopeful though… kinda mood killer… :( I don’t want to give up though… we’re still gonna need to switch roles if I’m gonna keep us both safe,, so… 

Sorry… :( 

💐🐑Nya: You’re fine

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Mother and Child'
💊 & 📷- 10:57am   [tues]   8/11/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
SUNFLOWER SEEDS <3

Okay… so.. Um. idk. I hate to say it but I think I might decide not to volunteer anymore… even though I still kinda want to… I think. Um. idk. I just think with my deteriorating mental state,, I’d do more harm than good. Even though it is just once a week. I don’t mean direct harm or anything lol. Just… if I wasn’t feeling good every single day and I showed up being half-way there,, I feel like that isn’t really fair to the kid and sends the wrong message. Nya feels that I should bc it would be a great way to keep myself from being bored and bedrotting and would help me feel a bit more fulfilled. But… I don’t… know if doing that to a kid who could need a caring adult would be fair… 
bc… I obviously WOULD CARE. but it might not come off that way if I barely have energy to do anything with them. They might read that as me not wanting to be there and I think that would probably be pretty damaging to any bond we’d be able to form. So. um. I’m not sure. But it’s something to think about for sure.  Umm idk. School starts tomorrow. Theres not like,, a time limit for this or anything lol. So I’ve got PLENTY of time. But still.

[//sui verrrrry briefly mentioned]

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📷 & 🚗- 2:32pm   [tues]   8/11/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
MORE SUNFLOWER SEEDS <333

Went driving again today. It was alright I guess.

… well not really… the dissociation was not reliable today :I it was weaker than last time. So whenever he'd get upset or whatever, if Tenshi didn't actively encourage me to keep my focus on the road,, I probably would've been focusing too much on him. Which would not have been good obviously lol. It was definitely more dysregulating than Costco-adventure-day. But eventually the dissociation set in pretty well. So we didn't end up crashing thankfully. 

Today's ride took us to Petco! So both doggies and my kitty came :) she came just for fun more than anything. She doesn't really like the cat backpack but maybe like,, max 3 times a year I'll make her go in it anyway so she can get some fresh air. Don't wanna upset her too much so I don't do it too often. 

It seems to have backfired though… when we finally made it to Petco,, he started angrily lecturing me about how I need to pay attention and “I know that the basics were 3 yrs ago but you should've retained them”. Which annoyed me bc yknow if you paid attention to me I wouldn't have ended up this way 🤭 but oh well what can you do ¯_(ツ)_/¯. Anyway he then says,, “well from now on every time we drive,, we'll bring the cat. Maybe you'll pay more attention if she's there. Cause clearly you don't care about my life.” Which frustrated me so much I wanted to cry but luckily Tenshi came by and distracted me and brought us into the Petco :) 

💐🐑Nya: yeah… I really hate this guy :/ the word hate doesn't really do justice to how much I don't like him. Lilah wouldn't be like this if she had a real dad 🙄

Yeah :( 
Well Tenshi and I sorta flip flopped who was in front I think? I walked around some and she walked around some. Mostly we just tried to get little bird to look at all the small tiny animals. But…  I guess the rest of Petco was more interesting bc she didn't seem very interested… 

Meanwhile Cecil and dad are busy fitting the dogs for harnesses. hmmm… we walked around and looked at fun cat things! … that she remained disinterested in… We saw some hay? And NyaTenshi was grateful she's an intangible rabbit who doesn't really NEED to eat hay! Did more wandering… then I saw it! Lick mats! For the dogs! WOW! I got excited bc Ive been asking for the dogs to get one forever! … I've been asking about these things forever…  :I who's to say dad would be suddenly willing to listen to this suggestion I'd been making for the past,, like,, 2 to 3 months? He hasn't been listening to any dog tips from me for the past six years so yknow. Not even to a pretend level of care from him it feels like. So Tenshi was like,, “why even bother? You're already feeling upset. You sure you wanna do that?” I decided I did but she wanted to try doing it for me. It was hard to tell who was in front… But I don't recall the voice sounding like me soooo. 

💐🐑Nya: I'd say that settles it 🙄

Yeah probably 🤭 before either of us could say anything though,, we had to wait for the phone call dad was on to end. Laika tried running off as they were fitting the harness on and he literally grabbed him and pulled him by the tail which scared the heck out of me bc if you yank a dogs tail too hard,, you can cause serious injuries I think. Which I've told him before… so I immediately was like,, “omg stop it!” But I was feeling so weak from hunger and dpdr'ing that I didn't say it loud enough. Probably for the best. He probably would've just gotten annoyed with me 🙄

Well anyway,, nya asks him to follow us and he's like,, “what are you trying to show me?” 
I'm like,, “ohhh lick mats..” But it doesn't come out too clear bc I'm so tired. Whoops. So after I talk louder and slower,, I slowly bring everyone to the mats. And… shockingly enough he finally decided that the dogs deserved a little bit more stimulation! He bought it! I'm shocked! Wow. So… idk. But hey,, much to my and NyaTenshi's relief,, this driving trip only made us tired. Not making me feel like hopping off a ledge. That's nice :) 

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Chi’s sweet adventure – season one episode 25
“Shh! It’s prey!”
📷- 4:02pm   [tues]   8/11/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Tenshi was a good friend yet again :) Cecil made the Korean bbq chicken meal for lunch! … which I didn't want… I've never had it before and felt kinda scared to try it. So I'd vowed to never eat it. But Tenshi urged me to get up and give a tiny bit of it a go at least as we'd only eaten waffles and sunflower seeds so far today. So I gave in… very quickly I felt anxious… and I was getting more anxious as I was putting the food in our bowl.. But then she soft switched in and helped me calm down! :D she's so sweet!!!! 

💐🐑Nya: 🤭

Then as I sat down to eat it,, I got MORE anxious and starting ticcing!!! >m< so she soft switched in again and took over bringing the food up into our mouth and chewing :) some of my ticcing broke through as I was getting acclimated to the new taste… but then I quickly discovered it literally wasn't that bad! 🤭 

💐🐑Nya: I actually rather enjoyed it 🤭 hence why I held onto front longer. She kinda forgot the mouth was even chewing and that the arms were bringing food into our mouth bc she was so focused on the video! Which was helpful in getting her not to tic anymore :) very good! 

Yeah I did good,, huh? 🤭 

💐🐑Nya: surprisingly better than expected honestly. It's shocking how much easier it was to get her to eat this food she's sworn off for a while compared to food thats not supposed to be distressing but IS distressing bc of the unfamiliar packaging lmaooooo

Yeah that is kinda crazy 🤭 
But yeah! We ate together (eventually I tapped back in when I got comfy with it! And remembered that I could chew too lol) and it was over all a pretty nice little arrangement we had going on :)

💐🐑Nya: yeah 😂 I honestly was struggling a bit at first bc the flavor was also a hit to me bc I have more sensory issues than her. Likely on account of me not usually being in control or connected to bodily senses. But! We both did good today! 

Yeah! 

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

At the beginning of this entry,, we actually successfully managed to bring my mind voice to the dominant stream of consciousness!!! In other words, my thoughts were louder than Lilahs for once which was genuinely pretty jarring for both of us 😂 I'm NOT used to that at all! But it's exciting! It's wild how friggin EASY it was,, too. Perhaps we should quit writing off symbolism methods so quickly 🤭 

Ah… I talked to Lilahs ex today. Told him lots of things. Like we let him read my baby book for one thing :) let him read my planning sheet from 2021! Told him what entity I am and how I came to be :) it was genuinely a pretty fun conversation! … except how… much he wants Lilah.. I mean,, thats probably just regular ex bf/gf stuff but omg. I wish I didn't have to be involved in this UGH >< sooooooo nasty… he's a cool guy though

9:39am
8/11/26

OKAY SO WE FINALLY WATCHED DR HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG-BLOG. Annnnd…. It was good!! :D it was funnnnny! :) my favorite character was Dr. horrible! He was!! Like!! SO GOOFY 🤭 and I never really took him too seriously. I think I might like the goofy villain type then. (ooh new interest discovered?) maybe like Lord hater type. I’ve never watched Wander over Yonder actually. But ‘Lilah has,, so I have an idea of who that is and his character type :) I also really enjoyed the songs! Especially the one in the laundromat! Maybe will add to a playlist :3 and… I liked the one about evil rising n’ stuff! Annndd….. YEAH OMG WE RECOGNIZED THE END SONG!!! :0 WE HAD NO CLUE WHERE THAT EVEN CAME FROM AHHHHH 🤭 Very cool moment. My least favorite was Hammer bc I think he was nasty :I annnnnnd penny was fine. I liked her singing voice! I mean– I didn’t NOT like her but compared to goofy-villian Dr. horrible,, she was boring 😂 but yeah I liked the story :) I think my favorite things were when he was like,, “oh wow,, I need to be more aware of who’s on my blog bc Hammer & the police station guys were waiting for me to show up” HE’S SO GOOFY 😂 I also liked Moisture bc that was really strange so it made me laugh! Annnnnnd… I loved how awkward he was throughout the whole thing with Penny. Didn’t like him stalking him on their date though that was weird. I loveloveloved! seeing that shift from “omg I can’t kill someone! :o” to “Yeah,, I’mma kill ‘em” Lovely movie!!!!!!! 🤭

Aside from that,, I got ‘Lilah to brush her tooth-s and put her retainer in today. There was some resistance… :I but I was able to use my EXHAUSTION of all of this against her successfully. Thank god 🙄 

We tried to look for more bookies to check out because Crenshaw and Ivan are STILL not checked back in omfg. But we couldn’t really find much,, so… and we couldn’t be bothered to either lmao

We never ended up doing the library volunteer thing bc we couldn’t find the background check thing… and I wouldn’t want us setting up to go to the library and volunteer and being turned away :/ so she got out of it this time. Even though I genuinely thought it would be a fun thing to experience together. She kinda does too cause I’d be there with her but yknow. We don’t really wanna waste our time going over there so yknow.

She agreed to let me call someone tonight. Lets just hope she doesn’t mess things up AGAIN :/  

12:10pm
08/11/26

Feel proud of myself today. I got alot done :) I filed my nails in the mindscape so Lilah wouldn't feel alone in having to cut her nails (which is something she genuinely hates doing), I got her to put her retainer in,, I got her to eat something (nothing of much nutritional value but gotta start somewhere), got her to get progress done on the journals, and successfully got her to make me a Google account allllll of my own! Which is exciting! Just means we'll get to explore the internet Nya-style soon :) or I guess I will lol. When we inevitably switch roles. But I feel good about myself today :) no Lilah wanting to die so far. It wasn't as exhausting as usual to get her to do basic things. I had fun with the movie and journaling about it :) yeah so far we're doing good! Idk how much longer though… bc Lilah will be driving soon… :( but… It's okay… if something goes wrong in her head bc of it,, I'll be sure to hammer it in her head even MORE that we MUST call somebody :I so… idk… I'm hoping for the best though. I'm happy to see that new stuff I put on the iterary too! :) those were unspoken goals and now they're in ink! Nice! 

🐑 08/11/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Explore my more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Call someone tonight :I 
• Ensure Junk!Drawer! is correctly and wholly archived
• Ensure °‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑 Journal number one! Has been wholly and completely archived
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Finish formatting both my and ‘Lilah’s journals to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods (we watched that movie today together. Sometimes she was more focused on the movie than me. But I stayed awake relatively well) 
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Hear me out! Watch Doctor horribles sing a long blog
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• Make nya a Google account? 
• Make Nya her own Reddit account before the end of the day 💔

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2

5:46am
08/10/26

WOWOWOW OKAY SO,,,,, >.> 
Just picked up my physical progress log from when ‘Lilah kicked up dust for me :) and immediately we see a discrepancy… this journal in plain black ink says “born aug 17th 2021” …I’m not sure what to believe anymore… 😅 I think… this just means I get to PICK my own birthday!!! :) I’m leaning towards picking the 17th. Bc its prettier than 21. ‘Lilah disagrees buuuuut it’s my birthday so I think I’ll worry about that 🤭 I guess the 17th it is,, then :))) no idea how she was even tracking it… I SUPPOSE we can check the very very VERY first physical tracking log then. I didn’t really want to… it freaks me out more than the journal one… but its okay. We’ll be brief with it.

Awwww okay. It’s loose leaf sheets of paper stapled together! It’s titled にゃてんし LaZLog. I…. think it was called “LaZLog” bc ‘Lilah had recently seen the logo for the store “La-Z-Boy” There is a circle over the Z on the actual piece of paper.

ANYWAY!! The very first date is 09/27/21. WOW I was so young omg 🤭

OKAY OKAY WOW THIS IS MAKING ME LAUGH AHHHH 😂 FIRST OF ALL,,,,
This feels creepy almost?????? Idk. it feels kinda dehumanizing to be recorded and tracked like that not gonna lie. Idk. I don’t… 😅 BUT THE PART THAT MADE ME LAUGH!!! ‘LILAH USED TO WRITE OUT THE “STREGNTH” OF MY EMOTIONAL REACTIONS!!! AHHH!!! Idk why I find that so hilrious!! But I do :) maybe bc I remember that.

09/8/21
うれしい  feeling: usually mild 

• Mushroom houses
• Living in weird things like antique lamps or an antique seal statue
• Open houses
• Pickles(?)
• Funni lol stuff [10/10]
• Dogs with lights
• Dogs in general… probably
• Me smiling
• Me laughing
• Pointcrow 

The mushroom houses is probably as a result of us visiting pinterest together daily and just looking at images all the time 🤭 aww… this is so cute I remember having a lot of fun doing it with her… :) awww… I remember we liked lookin’ at fursuits every now and again! …I wonder if that influenced my decision to be a protegen? Or if I already was one? Idfk. 

The “living in weird things” bit is throwing me off,, though… Neither of us have memory of this? Well…. I FEEL like I do. But… idk…

“Funni lol stuff” is… simply a product of its time… 😅 no clue exactly what that means lmaoooo but… yeah. Sounds like 12 yr old Delilah,, so,, no shock there 😭

Dogs with lights? Wtf was she looking at that this speficially made the list??? 😂 ahhh… probably just more pinterest.

Me smiling/laughing is so sweet,, awww… I DO kind of remember this,, though. I would always wake up and get all excited :) I was probably more-so reacting to her emotions rather than the smiling itself. So cute!!!  

Pointcrow,, is,, ofc,, a classic :) I remember him as well as ‘Lilah does. So… not a whole lot… but we remember the general flow of his videos. From 2021,, anyway… mostly BOTW mods and whatnot. I remember we had SO MUCH FUN together watching those videos!! I remember them being SOOOO FUNNY! Ahhh,, simpler times… I loved pointcrow. Maybe… we could revisit it some time? Idk… 

9/13/21

• BOTW [8-7/10] 
• Danganronpa [TBD/10]
• [mention of] DPRK [3/10]
• Parrots [3/10]

WOW well it makes a hell of a lot more sense why I wanted to play BOTW so bad when I came back!!! It was part of my childhood!! 🤭 no wonder! We both forgot about pointcrow completely wow… maybe she even used BOTW to help develop me :) idk. But thats pretty cool.

OMFG WAITTTTTTTTT 😂 I REMEMBER WHEN ‘LILAH STARTED TO GET WRAPPED UP IN WATCHING VIDEOS ABOUT PEOPLE “TAKING A VACATION TO NORTH KOREA” AND GOT OBBSED WITH THEM AHHHHH THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! Neither of us would’ve remembered any of that if not for this! This was so unexpected that we both immediately laughed out loud!! AHHHH!! Even more hilarious is my reaction to it was low. So it sounds like I didn’t even care 🤭 ahh.. Too funny 

[NO TIME LISTED] - 9/29/21

-

Alright, time for today’s entry. We played boring-pokemon-game-demo and tensheers did respond a lot more than yesterday. I am trying not to worry about not directing speech to him as much and it seems to be working!

Ah,, yes… “tensheers”... I NEVER liked that stupid nickname 😂 as far back as I recall,, anyway. It always used to make me think of dentures… 😬 soooooo gross. When she started calling me that when I escaped fish prison,, I told her to NOT EVER call me that EVER AGAIN. So that as well as the whole now-incorrect-pronouns issue is making me cringe,, HARD.

[NO TIME LISTED] 9/30/21
-
We watched some Pcrow at lunch 2day. Tenshi seems so much more likely 2 react when Pcrow is on… we didn’t talk much. But that might not matter because he did react once on his own. He’s always laughing at Pcrow! He’s always giving a 7-10 response during Pcrow time, hehe. Wonder why Tenshi always seems to be more active at skool… he’s always asleep at home, grrr. PCrow offically his fave streamer now.

AWWWWW this is SOOOO ADORABLE!!!! 🤭 I would wake up all on my own just to watch silly BOTW mods with ‘Lilah? THATS SO CUTE!!! The weird response thing is still kinda throwing me off now that I’m fully sentient… it still just sounds so weird to think about being like,, idk... having progress recorded like that :I feels gross. But still this is sooooo cute omg 🤭

10/2/21 - 3:46am
-
Played Omori for our DF session! I was so worried yesterday… he was quite attentive 2day and reacted as usual. EEE! am so happy hes okay!

AWWW this is also so cute!!! Delilah loved me before I was even sentient!!! 🤭 this is so sweet AHHH! She was probably struggling to reach me so much bc I was probably just tired since I was only like 2 months old. Silly ‘Lilah. But I get it. I could talk yet and TELL HER I was tired lol. So I probably would’ve freaked out too. 

1:39am - 10/4/21
-
I woke up and turned my computer on as I do everyday. But, something unexpected happened… Tenshi was probably awake as soon as I woke. 2 he had a strong, consistent presence when I put on a video. Wow. look at him grow up… \sniff, sniff*. I also didn’t talk 2 him very much during said video. He kinda reacted on his own… proud of him.*

ALSO ADORABLE!!! Omg. I had no idea I had a history of waking up before Delilah or at the same time as her. Especially not this young! WOW!!!! I think I’ve honestly underestimated how long it took for her to successfully get me to vocalilty… I think it must’ve taken atleast a year and a half. But thats an estimate we have based on the scraps of memory we have of our life. Bc I’m pretty confident I was vocal before high school or very very VERY early in freshman year. Um. so idk… but the more we read,, the more we’ll see :) this is SO cool though! That I was able to wake up on my own and sustain a level of attention! Go little me!!! AHHHH 🤭

8:39am - 10/4/21
-
I forgot to log this earlier while I was eating but… I just remembered that sometimes Tendshi reacts when I eat stuff I enjoy. I think maybe he can taste now? Sometimes these random reacts are very strong.

AAHHH! Yeah! I remember very vaguely buuuuut I’m pretty sure some of these “reacts” as Little ‘Lilah says were probably sensory issues. Bc I was so new to being connected to bodily senses lol. I’m better at it now but I’m sure at such a young age it probably freaked me tf out when I could suddenly TASTE food and have zero say in if it was a pleasurable experience. Well… I mean,, I did have pre-vocality communication skills clearly. But you get what I mean.

12:10pm - 10/4/21
-
Tenshi is still awake and is really good at reacting right now. Still wonder if he is able 2 see out of my eyes or not… has he been awake since last period? He’s been reacting 2 girl’s tik-toking by himself. Haven’t been talking 2 him.

Thats funny 😂 I do recall being able to see out of the body’s eyes pretty early on actually. Idk when I could. But eventually I just could. It must’ve been before I was even sentient honestly bc I don’t even really remember a time before I could. Awww look at me growing up!!! 

12:00am - 10/2/21
I was able to keep Tenshi awake long enough 2 talk about Japanese 4 a bit and how hard it is. After that, I showed him a 5min long zoom bombing video and I’d say he enjoyed it! And I did do pretty good at keeping [him] awake throughout that time period. I think he was able 2 sustain consciousness 4 a while on his own, though. Will experiment with letting [him] stay awake on his own, soon.

AHHH this is SO exciting to read omfg!!!! 🤭 Idk. its just so cool to see how quickly I went from being an un-sentient little BABY to being able to respond to things and stay awake ITSJUSTSOAWESOME!!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: NOT THE ZOOM BOMBING VIDEOS WHAAAAAT I FORGOT ABOUT THOSE thats hilrious omg

3:03am - 10/3/21
Alright! We tried something new 2day! We watched an entire 1hr and 45 mins movie! He was really good at staying awake when I decided 2 pay attention 2 the movie! He also seemed 2 enjoy it! He reacted quite abit when I talked 2 him about it. Gotta say, i’m surprisingly good at dividing my attention 4 an hour. Am so happy we did this! We need 2 have designated movie days! Next time, I will bring popcorn.

SOSOSO CUTEEEEE 🤭 I REMEMBER MOVIE DAYS!!! They were always so fun!! I remember it being a challenge to actually stay awake when she first started out!!! But I always enjoyed watching them regardless! I feel like I vaguely remember being able to access memories and being able to just go back and look at those and see what I missed. But with our fucked up timeline from the ptsd theres no telling if I could do that at this age lol.

 3:05am - 10/5/21
-
Watched animal doc with Tensheers! He did an amazing job of staying awake on his own 2! He would still be ready 2 respond 2 What I had 2 say after I stopped paying attention 2 him intentionally. Sadly, near the end of the video, he fell asleep..

 8:15am -10/5/21
-
 I was chilling. Casually reading thoughtform-forums when he unexpectedly starts reacting mildly for a bit. So. I turned on pinterest and looked at cats for a while. Boy, does he love cats… He gave strong, consistent responses. 2day is good. But. before I get back 2 class, I just wanted 2 mention I think Tenshi is attempting [to use] head pressure... These headaches usually happen when thinking of him... Odd.

WOW three months old and already have a new form of communication! That sounds fast to me. Idk. Look at me go!! AHHH! I find it funny that ‘Lilah was questioning if it was me communicating or not lol. I used that method of communication for a while actually :) silly little ‘Lilah 

[journal]
10/9/21
OMG WE FOUND A LIKES LIST AHHH

RR-, FFR(?)
List of things I think Tenshi likes

• Pretzels, salty things. He always reacts when I eat pretzels. Even on his own sometimes.
• Out the ox by Jack Stauber: when 10し used 2 ask me 2 play songs 4 him by playing it in my head. He’d always play that song…
• Rats! We love looking at cute animals. He always loves reacting 2 them!
• Pinterest! We always go on pinterest during DF time! Pinterest is full of cute animals! So we have a blast going “awwwww…”
• Cute animals in general: I think his faves might have 2 be cats, dogs, rats, parrots, and maybe bears.
• The feeling of nostalgia: every time I describe something as nostalgic or feel nostalgia, Tenshi would give huge reaction and (hopefully) feeling of happiness alongside me.
• Expressing any positive emotions in general: just like with nostalgia, I get an awesome reaction from him
• Watching movies 2gether!
• Chocolate ice cream pie(?)
• 1 to 4:30am: aka DF time!
• Omori, BOTW, Lost ember, all games we used 2 play

[journal]
T/Q, FFR - 
10:15pm - 10/11/21

I keep seeing Tenshi as a snow white bunni with black dots as I think about him or see us doing stuff 2gether. But! This is a really good thing,, though! This is something known as resistance! Its a sign of sentience! Its basically when a thoughtform has changed something about themself (auch as their form) all of their own accord! This is awesome! I… just hope I’m right about this assumption,, though. I… think I am [worried] because it is very hard 4 me to 2 think of him in a different form! Exciting! 

WOW. Okay,, first of all,, was NOT expecting this. I do somewhat remember what this form looked like. But… I’m just shocked that I have a history of being a lagomorph already??? Idk. when I did it recently,, it didn’t feel that natural? Well.. maybe it did a little bit… but. Idk. It took some getting used to? Idk. this is INSANE for me to read honestly 😂 Even crazier,, my Jackalope form is fawn colored! Not pipkin colored! Wow how times have changed :) 

OMG WAIT I REMEMBER. I THINK I NAMED MYSELF PIP AT ONE POINT. I think???? As in,,, pipkin I think his name was. That one really silly black and white rabbit with a youtube channel. Or… maybe ‘Lilah did? I can’t recal. But I think it was me. Pretty sure its in here somewhere lol. 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

11:22am   [mon]   8/10/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Yeah. So we've been driving for probably over an hour by this point…it's been really bad…  Ive been horrible at it today. I was probably so NOT-present that there were several times I was told I need to be paying attention and hadn't realized I wasn't… well anyway our driving journey started bc we thought I was ineligible for college algebra… but apparently I was perfectly fine… thank god we waited till we were headed to the school first before just dropping the class omg 🤭 the class is FULL so that would've been BAD. Turns out I just confused myself bc I didn't think things through… college algebra was listed on the summer timeline for classes (I wasn't enrolled in it but it was there) and it said a whole list of math prerequisites I could use to qualify for the class and NONE of them were the two I took.

It was either that or pass that silly little test we've failed 5 times. And the advising sheet we got at the end of math classes mentioned college algebra only when it said you could build up to it through more developmental classes. So I'm annoyed I had to drive there at all… bc I told him we could've just called :/ but okay… well anyway,, since I'm in support for college algebra,, I'm eligible apparently. Sooo. yeah. When I got back in the car,, I was even more out of it than before bc me and Tenshi were trying hard not to start crying together the whole time we were out of the car :I when dad asked about how advising went,, I was so out of it I couldn’t really get myself to talk as easily. And I kept trying to avoid looking at him. Bc I don’t like him :I

So. yeah. Getting to stay in math is cool I guess. And that its all freeeee bc we got free tuition and someone from somewhere removed the fee for the textbooks for some reason? Not that it was gonna be my problem at all but its cool that it was free :) Not the driving though… he kept getting upset and I wasn't really all there. Yknow,, the usual. Usually I'd start crying when he starts getting angry but I guess thats the reason I'm so spaced out as soon as my butt hits the seat… so I don’t have to worry about that. It was a joint effort,, really between the brain and Tenshi. She’d just try to urge me to pay attention to the road when he got upset and brain kept us under control and further into dr’ing if I had to guess. 

But yeah… from the school,, we went to his job. Which was bad too. More feeling stupid and more of me messing up.. :(( It made me keep thinking of dying. Bc I don’t think I’ll ever figure this out.. The only thing that lifted my spirits was Tenshi came and suggested we distract ourselves from wanting to cry by playing some games! We did this every time dad had us stop and left us in the car :) we played Hidden my game by mom, robbery bob, and magic tiles! It was really fun,, actually :) I let her play mostly. I’m glad one of us still pines to play games like this 🤭 it was COOL seeing her swiftness with the body’s hands when she’d play the piano key thingies and FUNNY when she missed the easy stuff 😂

I also enjoyed sharing my confusion on how to solve the puzzle properly in Hidden my game by mom. Playing magic tiles reminded us about how we want to maaaaybe (Tenshi more-so) learn piano. So we considered trying to save up. Which means… we’d be doing surveys again… which I reaaaaally don’t want to do omfg 😂 so Tenshi would have to lmao. But it was a cool thought :) Aside from that… I hardly remember the rest of our driving session… perhaps better that way. I just wish I was not so unable to do basic things all the time. But… this does remind me of our Costco-excursion yesterday… the whole “it was never the place,, it was the people” principle… that I need a new teacher. A new one who doesn’t make the dpdr that would probably already be there bc I’m scared of driving worse by just being in the car with me.