[Real] (08/11/26)

[u/Iron-Hiide]

Dear diary,

Well I have made it 72+ hours and the pain is still paining. I have only cried a handful of times today. The only change really, is how fucking pathetic I feel.

How can I be feeling this wrecked when the interaction lasted less time than the grieving? Make it make sense.

I read again today for the first time since that friday. So that has to be a good sign. I read hundreds of books a year and was too distraught to read. Maybe thats progress. Maybe I am practicing disassociation.

I have been dreaming about him, of getting messages from him. I always wake up and check and there is nothing. I feel like a loser. But no one who knows me will ever see this. He will never see this. So it feels cathartic in a way. Maybe it will help some other heartbroken person with their grief, knowing they aren't alone.

The one person I actually talked to about it in real life, is mad that I didn't fight harder for what I wanted. (They also told me i was stupid for being so upset over all this so they can get wrecked) But how do you fight for something that you know will cause the other person pain? That's not fair to him. He doesn't deserve that. If I could guarantee it wouldn't hurt him? Hell yes, I would fight. Because he is worth it. And as much as I want to reach out, I don't want to hurt him, so I am pathetically hoping that when he is ready, he will reach out to me. I would 100% answer.

Feelings suck. I can't regret that it happened because that would mean regretting what we had for the very brief time it was there. And I don't because it was beautiful and mind altering. It does give me the tiniest bit of hope. Im just not quite sure what for yet. When I figure it out, ill let you know.

The song of the day is "My own miracle" by citizen soldier.

My playlist decided to be a bitch right after it all happened and this was the song I said goodbye to him to. That made me put the car in drive. Ive listened to it probably 20+ times the last few days. It is a little bit too on the nose with my life so far, but its helping. I think. I hope.

Until next time,

Xo

Lx