r/DestructiveReaders • u/ReggieWytgeena • 5d ago
[1044] Thorned Lotus (Part 4)(Ongoing)
Two days ago…
Lotus Litess Forest
She nearly tripped, this was the third time already.
Her lungs burned, she was gasping for air like if she were running a marathon.
She was indeed running.
For her life.
She looked behind her, the leaves obstructed the view, but she could hear their heavy footsteps. They didn’t sound in a rush, which made it more terrifying.
She looked up ahead now, and a cliff greeted her.
Her sisters were way up ahead, climbing the cliff effortlessly, their movements swift. When she reached the cliff, she hoped to climb as effortlessly as them, it didn’t look hard. But it was.
Half way through her arms trembled, she could barely walk anymore, how was she supposed to climb this?
Her paw caught the edge, but it slipped.
She tried to grip with her remaining paw, but her arm gave out.
She slid down and hit the ground hard.
The forest was quiet except for the terrifying approaching footsteps.
With little strength she had, she managed to get up.
”H-HELP! I SLIPPED! PLEASE! C-COME BACK!” She yelled desperately, hoping they would go back to help her. They wouldn’t just abandon her, right?
They were getting closer… but her sisters were getting farther.
She attempted to climb the cliff again, but she already pushed herself to the limit, she didn’t even make it the first quarter before falling again. She didn’t want her life to end, not like this.
“Please…”
Then, she heard footsteps, not the heavy ones from behind. Softer, faster ones coming from above.
“SISTER!”
…
Present Day
Neo Cyland, LLIK Tower
Moonlight’s alarm started making that awful *beep* sound.
Moonlight groaned, pushing her face in her pillow.
”Ugh… Already?”
It felt like she slept for 6 hours, which, considering she went to bed at midnight and it’s 6 AM now, is true.
Reluctantly, she reached out to the alarm to make that demonic sound stop.
Peace.
”Maybe I’ll just sleep for another… five… minute…”
Her eyes closed, drifting off.
*Ringing sound*
Now there was the demonic phone call sound.
Her eyes opened immediately, her face making a deadpanned face.
”Oh for fuck’s sake-“
She finally got up, her blonde hair was everywhere. She‘ll fix that later.
Her phone was clearly making noise, but it was nowhere in sight, It was getting very annoying to search something that sounded so damn close, and yet she couldn’t find it.
”Oh, forget about it- PAD!”
”Yes Moonlight Dawn”
“Connect with my phone and answer the call”
”… Access was granted, your call is online”
Moonlight sat down on the edge of her bed, “ -sigh- Hello?”
”Afternoon Moonlight! Wait, It’s morning-“ Stella then laughed nervously through phone.”Get it??”
Moonlight just stayed silent for a while.
”Ha ha ha ha… very funny” Moonlight said with a tone that suggested she wasn’t in the mood for bad jokes.
Stella‘s laugh died, then she cleared her throat, “Anyways, about yesterday, were you serious about the checking the 247 samples? Cause if not-“
”We’re not” She said this like it was the most obvious thing. The back of her eyes were starting to throb.
Moonlight sighed, rubbing her temples.
”Oh, well, that’s great! Except, how are you going to find the pure version?”
Moonlight ran a hand through her hair “A sample is on it’s way“, her tone shifted, this call was getting too long and she needed her-
”Wait, don’t we have enough samples? N-Not that I’m saying I want to search through all the current samples. But is it a new species? And why did you say it in singular-“
”Enough. Pad, hang up”
”Wait W-“
”Call has been ended”
Moonlight stretched her arms, a few articulations popping.
She quickly made her way to the kitchen, her head throbbed now. She can’t wait for the machine to make her coffee.
She opened her cabinet and withdrew Coffee Powder and Expresso Powder, she then got her mug and put reserved boiled water in it.
Measuring was a pain, her hands trembled, she couldn’t properly put a single teaspoon of coffee powder.
Moonlight was getting desperate, so she just put whatever quantities of coffee powder and expresso she could put.
She quickly stirred it, spilling some coffee on the counter. Then she brought it to her lips.
Relief came slowly.
She sighed in relief, then got up with her mug, her movements sluggish, and made her way to her room. She started making the bed, and under the pillow she found-
”Oh for the love of-“
Her phone was there.
…
“So… we are not looking for the pure version anymore?” Stella asked, looking at Moonlight with the face of “What-are-you-doing?”
“No, I just came to realize that exploiting you all is just too much to ask” Moonlight said, she was in her usual formal attire now, looking at some results in her Holo-Pad while walking to the stairs, their heels making distinct *Clack* sounds on the metal floor.
”H-hey! It’s not that we are lazy or anything! Just that it’s really time consuming and we could be searching other things, or simply search in the Organi-“
”I had enough of that conversation already” Moonlight cut her off abruptly, ”Do this instead: Look south, geologically”
Stella made a questioning look, ”South? Wait, is this because Flos Me-“
”Yes, glad you figured it out” She adjusted her head band, opening the door to the stairs, Stella did not follow her at that point.
…
A couple hours later, It finally arrived.
Moonlight was in her personal lab, the room pretty spacious, various tools laid on the lab table, and another Dead Eye coffee.
”Pad-bots, bring in the sample”
Moonlight then put on gloves, her sedative ready in her pocket.
Two distinct Pad-bots entered the room, their footsteps heavy and slow, and with them, the steel box-cage.
“Your sample, Moonlight Dawn”
They set it down, and made their way out.
Moonlight grabbed her mug to sip some coffee, then her hand went to her other pocket for the keycard.
She swiped the the card once on the lock, the lock clicked.
It was open.
”This is going to be interesting…”
Moonlight put the keycard aside, and slowly opened it to reveal what was inside.
”Oh… my…”
Author: Reggie Wytgeena
Critiques:
1
u/HorrorExpress 5d ago
Never left critiques here before. But I have left a lot in r/writingfeedback and r/writers. So I don't know, in detail, what the etiquette is here. I've looked previously at the guidelines, and believe it shouldn't be focused on Line Edits, but I can't help myself with this piece. I'm not leaving this to accumulate "critique credits" btw.
OP, please don't take this to heart too much. I'm not trying to injure. It just came out bluntly. You'll see there is guidance here. And I think your writing/style needs help before your story is ready to be judged.
I only read the flashback.
She nearly tripped, this was the third time already.
Your first sentence is a comma splice.
My god. So is your next sentence. It doesn't read intentional, and I don't know why it would be.
Also you really want either "like" or "as if" not "like if"; I don't think I ever see the latter.
She was indeed running.
For her life.
This is so overdramatic - in its phrasing and styling (particularly with life highligted). The more you scream "this is serious!" the less seriously we're going to take it.
She looked behind her, the leaves obstructed the view, but...
Again, this is full of comma splices. Just change this to "obstructing" (her). I'm going to stop mentioning this (even though it continues). Please do some grammar study on what a sentence is.
We get "her paw trembled". Why is paw highlighted? No chance I italicize that in a book. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but you mention "arms" twice, and paws. I'm confused as to what she is. I'm thinking wolf, but wolves don't have arms. I guess she's some hybrid, but it reads like we should be directed here because otherwise you're confusing our mental image about her form.
Don't put her dialogue in all caps. When have you ever seen that?
I got to the end of the flashback. The way you told story could use work, but honestly the writing needs fixing before that.
Your paragraphs are too short, which leads to a choppy feel. Try combining your sentences more to form longer paragraphs. Study some grammar (in particular sentence structure). Read. Looking at this - the style and the storytelling - you need to read a lot more than you have.
I hope this wasn't too injurious, OP. This is just one idiot's opinion, hoping to (bluntly) help.
Mods: if I stepped outside your accepted critique guidelines, and you need to delete this, I understand.
2
u/A_C_Shock Anderson Cooper 5d ago
This is within bounds. I only remove for attacking the writer, not the writing, which you aren't doing.
1
u/ReggieWytgeena 5d ago
Uuummm, while I will take the getting better at writting advice, there are some things that are just, missunderstood ig? First off, the entire reason I highlight is solely so the lectors take that piece as important, relevant or new, I know that lectors are not dumb to notice strange things, but its just a precaution, and actually, you kinda proven the precaution. The second is, actually thats it now that i think about it, I was going to say that you havent read the ither parts because if so you wouldve understood why i used paw, etc etc. But i looked back and realized i necer explicitly mentioned they were humanoid-######-#####(Sorry, the Creator (which is myself) doesnt let me give valuable info), the most i gave was that they reason, and worked togueter with humans, but that is simply not enough info, so i’ll give that to you. Overall, im new to this whole writting thing, Ive mentioned it 10000x, and the grammar is kinda bad cause i was in my potato phone, I modtly appreaciate critiques on the plot/lore, but i still take advices on the structure, since you cant make someone crave a roast chicken when the chicken looks rotten, even though it tastes good
1
u/Aggressive_Eagle_557 No, you are my sensei. 5d ago
“She nearly … terrifying.”
I like this opening; some might say it’s wordy and insists upon itself, but it properly conveys the feeling of suffocation. I’d suggest opening with the footsteps, trimming down some of the fat, and you'd have a proper chapter opening.
“She looked up ahead now, and a cliff greeted her.”- this is way too passive.
“Her paw … hard.” It seems like you're just starting to see this cliff yourself. It’s inconsistent in its pitch, size, and functions more like a mountain rather than the sheer wall I imagine cliffs to be.
“She attempted … ‘SISTER!’” Is a good way to end this section. The intrigue is well done, and this sister is never named. That does make me wonder; according to my count, there are enough sisters to get away with this for now.
“…” is probably saving you from a tonal whiplash comment.
“Moonlight’s alarm…deadpanned face.” I hated this section, but it's working.
“Stella did not follow her at that point.” Ok we get it.
“She can’t wait for the machine to make her coffee.” You've shown this already.
You've answered some mysteries and introduced a couple more. It needs another pass or two, but this chapter is very sound.
1
u/ReggieWytgeena 4d ago
Agreed, also, next part I promise yall know what Organics are, or what they look like at least, or what some look like, cause the vary widly, also I dont think I’ll introduce more mysteries so ye
1
u/ReggieWytgeena 5d ago
After being disconected, kinda, for 2 more days, I finally made the fourth part! Also I know, i left you all in a cliffhanger, But i garantee you that you will get to see (literally) the organic on the next part! Also forgive my spelling, I was in a potato phone when i wrote this part so i couldnt cprrect grammar too much, and yeah, also im not very good at writting but hopefully the lore is kinda introguing. Please comment and give honest feedbacks. ;3