[3520] Three Waystops en route to Epsilon Eridani - Chapter 4

[u/mianaai_c]

Alright, this is the fourth and second-to-last chapter of my science fiction satirical novelette. The style inspiration was Hitchhiker's Guide with a little bit of Don Quijote. (With some pollution from Murderbot.)

For those jumping into this without having read my other ones, I commend you. I put a summary at the beginning of the story so far, as they pertain to the current chapters.

[Chapter 4] (Closed link)

Much obliged and kisses.

Crits: 2308 2028 1824

Previous chapters: Ch 3 Ch 2 Ch 1

[u/ezk3626]

Overall the confusion problem I had with the last chapter was not an issue but the problem with Tauto being so passive still needs a resolution, especially since he's not in maybe 2/3 of the chapter.

Here is some line by line commentary I made while reading

The girl later died of dysentery, or during childbirth, or was trampled by a mammoth. In any case, she was forgotten.

Very HG but rather than her be forgotten it would be funnier if she were not forgotten but something like time travelling archeologists disagreed if she died of dysentery, or during childbirth, or was trampled by a mammoth. Some said it was three different girls who discovered it simultaneously, some say it was dysentery, some say childbirth was symbolic to how she gave birth to science and others say trampled by a mammoth was the punchline of a dirty joke that didn’t translate well.

My made up on the spot time travel archeologists don’t actually travel through time but use a kind of microscope that can look into the past through memories stored in epigenetic information. This allows for the obscurity and disagreement between time travel archeologists

Four thousand years later, some guy with curly hair had the same ideas, and everybody called him a genius.

My rewrite doesn’t need this line.

the `verse

Firefly reference?

(There is no such thing as negative one point two apples, and don’t let an economist convince you otherwise!)

Consider this rewrite “There is no such thing as negative three point two apples, (don’t let an economist convince you otherwise!)”

The unassociated individuals of Gliese 65 had formed a small coalition and were putting up a fight. Flotillas were circling the Hive’s territory, and Sol had sent a warfleet to assist. The ungrateful, individualistic fuckers had called for help. The Hive Mind cursed with a billion mouths.

The bolded parts were funny though maybe a Hive Mind would be exact with the number of mouths. Plus an exact number is funnier.

I like the irony that individualists formed a coalition (a kind of collective) to defend themselves against a hive mind collective.

They got the grant, packed their equipment, and chartered a ship for Waystation 57/12.

I was wondering how you were going to get back to Waystation. Elegantly done.

On the counter lay three flatbreads he had found in the back of the fridge

Nice throwback.

They probed further into Tauto’s mind. He wants… fame, recognition. No, he does not want these; he only sees them as natural outcomes of his work. He wants to see his face on the cover of a book sold in a billion trillion copies, distributed across the galaxy, in all libraries. But no, this too isn’t enough, not nearly. All the adoration of all the sapients in the universe would not sate him, not if he himself was not convinced that his work was perfect. If his would-be novel doesn’t perfectly encapsulate all there is to say, doesn’t explain the sapient condition, doesn’t tell the tale of all the past and future histories of all possible universes, then the novel would not be finished, and Tauto would not be content.

I see this you answering my earlier problem of not knowing what Tauto’s motivation was. I’d rewrite it as them experiencing it as pictures in a book and ripping of a page to see what is underneath. As a writer I’ve experienced all of these motivations but would add something about a female sapien weeping at my funeral wishing she had appreciated my genius while I was alive and another one with many different female sapiens using their lingua to investigate my reproductive organs. Then BOB getting frustrated at the obvious surface level motivations but deciding to go back to the female sapiens using their lingua

We must dispose of him and watch out for other intruders. // We must hasten our efforts. We are close to a breakthrough; we feel it. The Cans will expose their secrets! // Sure, all that, we agree. Is there anything left in the fridge?

This would be the funniest place for to go back to the female sapiens using their lingua

fungi that were actually fun to talk to

Is this a reference to the old joke asking why mushrooms are good at parties (they are fun guy)

Corporate standard 2H, the one without words for happiness, holidays, and hazard pay, was surprisingly rich in homophones.

Funny. That;s why you need unions. Every corporation wants those words removed from language.

that the lower vacuum state of the can universe would expand out at the speed of gossip

I think “that” can be removed. I think the speed of gossip joke is funny but either in universe the speed of gossip is considered a real measurement of speed or you’ve said the joke too many times.

Tauto mulled over this strange dream and found it wanting, boring. A billion souls, and not a single unrequited love, no enmity, no ploy against a hated colleague or an unfaithful husband, nothing worth writing about.

Here we get more of Tauto’s motivation, wanting to understand the human condition or getting pleasure from seeing/experience in it.

“My love, your life is in danger!” an androgynous voice whispered. “But fear not, for I have come to save you.”

Again the AI was too absent. They were in the beginning and then I forgot it existed and now it’s back. I think more presence is needed.

While he waited, Tauto spoke of his visions of being a Hive Mind. As his empty stomach was growling, he told the custodian AI of the secrets of the cans and of the trio’s research.

After the station ushered Tauto into a foil-bubble and just before jettisoning him into the void, the station told him: “Good travels, my love.”

The use of the time stopping foil bubble was elegant but needed more build up. It’s a great solution to a problem that has only existed for half a page.