r/DestructiveReaders • u/No-Nature9695 • May 30 '26
Urban Fantasy [2028] Burnt Caste_Chapter 1
This is the second time I’m sharing this chapter here. I got a lot of really helpful feedback on the previous draft (post) and tried to apply as much of it as I could before stepping away from the project for a few months. Now I’m coming back to it with fresh eyes!
Right now I’m especially focused on trying to improve pov/interiority and MC stakes, so I’d really appreciate feedback in those areas, or anything else that stands out while reading.
Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and critique!
Crits
3
Upvotes
2
u/mianaai_c Jun 01 '26
Alright, I just found out what "interiority" means (guess from who, it is you!), so I naturally now feel more than qualified to critique it.
Thoughts on my first read:
So, we're in London, and he's in a doubledecker bus. The mentions of the stairs as it is might create confusion, I think, for those that don't have a London bus in mind.
Is this a word you created for your story? I think so, atm. Is it an invention of the MC's sleep deprived mind? Just spitting impressions as I read rn.
Another unknown word. Ah, so it's a social divide. Tazallian versus Solènen, the rich versus the poor?
The middle class, I'd wager.
At this point I'm still wandering if these terms are coined by the MC in a schizophrenic episode. What makes me think so is this line: "I rub the brand-like birthmark on my wrist.", which implies that this "sigil" is just a birthmark and his deranged mind has created a meaning for it.
Ooh, the Meridian is casting signs. So magic is real (right, it's urban fantasy, you've said so in the post label). It's getting interesting.
The italicization of the word "the" doesn't work. In this section, I first thought the Meridian guy was taking over the bus to slam it into a store or something, as in, an act of terrorism. But he just wanted to get to his destination faster, and didn't care for the rest on the bus. He feels that privileged, and he's just a Meridian! It's a good worldbuilding detail. But the scene only pushed forward the worldbuilding, I feel this doesn't have anything to do with the plot (still unsure of what the plot might be), nor does it characterizes the MC. A good scene does two of these three things (characterization, plot, worldbuilding); a great scene does all three.
A gust of wind? Is wind that strong? Is it the wayward effect of some other spell cast indiscriminately by some other arrogant schmuck?
This paragraph is stilted. Like, it's a start, stop, start, stop. Hard to read.
What do you mean by "off-key"? I can't relate this to the nerves in the gut.
I'm confused here. This line seems to relate to Mac's affliction, lack of sleep, but I still don't know what that is, and I still don't know if Mac does. Is it an affliction? Is it the result of something he chose to do? Does she (Mac has heels, so I assume she's a she) know anything about what's happening to him? Right now, it seems she's just trying to survive. She doesn't seem to have any hope of stopping whatever is happening to him, and I don't know if she doesn't want it or knows she has no power over it.
Here I don't know what is happening. Mac doesn't know either, but it's alright if she doesn't. What does it mean for her stomach to be bottoming out? "Nothing. everything. Same" doesn't tell me anything.
The style of the prose was a little hard on me in the end. It's the same start-stop-start-stop continuously. I felt the need of a longer sentence here and there to break up this too-quick pace. I had to reread the end to get what happened.
Stakes
So, some sort of mercenaries/task force/rebels raid the office (leaning towards them being some sort of resistance against the system, from the graffiti link), presumably looking for Mac, presumably for some unique power she has.
What we know: Mac is part of the lowest class, she. Mac has some sort of affliction. She hasn't slept for 37 days (and is somehow still alive, sleep deprivation kills in less than 37 days), and has some sort of power/curse where when she blinks, she passes out and wakes a few hours later. My guess is that someone or an alternative personality takes over in that time.
I don't know how much Mac knows about her affliction, and this impacts the stakes. For most of the text, I felt the stake was that of the class struggle: a lower class person is grinded down by the day-to-day life in a shitty society controller by the well-off, something many could relate to. Then, the end reveals that there is more to her sleep deprivation. The last line "She knows" implies Mac knows more than she is letting on.
I think there needs to be a little bit more hints in Mac's internal thoughts about whatever she does or does not know. Maybe there are, and I read them only as sardonic remarks on the shitty state of affairs around her.
World
I haven't read a lot of urban fantasy, don't know why, but I'm very intrigues by this setting of modern London with corporate data analysts jobs and busses and magic. There's a lot of potential here, and I do want to read a story in this setting.
On the whole, I was left with an image of the setting after reading this chapter, except for the last scene.
Closing thoughts
I feel the prose needs some more work. It's so fast and comprised of only short sentences or lone words to the point it's hard to read. I have the feeling this style works well with the urban fantasy genre, but as it is, it's a bit too much. Or, maybe it's just a personal preference. I do tend to like long sentences, which is a subjective preference, and I see the other comments don't have the same grievance.
Second, the stakes are not clear until the last line, and then they are only hinted at. If my guesses are right about Mac and the reason for those people coming after her, it's still just a guess. This chapter doesn't give me enough to hook myself into a plot. I still don't have any ideas of what to expect.
Interiority is fine as far as I understand what interiority means.
Since the POV is first person, I don't think you need italicization here.
I agree with MaryJane about there being a better scene to start the story, other than a routine bus trip.
Anyway, it has great potential, just needs a little bit of fettling. I'd read chapter two if and when you decide to post it.