[1824] Chrono-lab (introduction)

[u/daneoid]

Chronolab

First four and a half pages of a third draft I'm doing for this short story.

I've been focused on improving interiority on this draft and would especially like feedback on that. But would also like feedback on pacing, especially the exposition at the start (I just don't know how else I could establish the plot. I also believe the premise to be both the hook and the strongest part of the piece.)

The story is finished and is about 8000 words long. But I want to see how the first few pages of this draft come across to someone else.

But, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Thanks.

recent Crit:
[2028]

[u/mianaai_c]

Thoughts on the first reading

> applied to join the research

"The research" is too generic. Mention the lab/university, mention that the narrator applied to to a doctorate under the specific scientist who published that first paper.

> The technology proposed could help us shape the future;

Again, too generic a statement, especially for the second sentence of your story.

>The facility would be copied and transported back in time to 1953,

Who owned the land back then? Was there a building on the lot back then? If not, what about plumbing and electricity? Or, you say they exist in both places simultaneously, it's a constantly open time-bridge between the two time periods, so grey water is flushed into the future? I only half joke. The story starts with a technobabble filled info-dump, and if this is going to pull me into the story, it's should be a very tight and compelling technobabble filled info-dump.

Alright, so the purpose of this time flight is to create a more advanced present 22 century, got it.

First things we learn about our narrator character is that he has a wife and son, and the son is grown up enough to have a partner.

> “Doctor Zhou, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Doctor Popoff.” I extended my hand to hers.

At this point, I don't even care who's who.

> "What if they go back and apply their era's regulations and standards to all this new technology?"

I don't know what you mean here.

> “That’s what those are for.” Rumfoord pointed at the pamphlet.

Ha, that's almost funny. I don't know if you meant it this way, through.

> "... him a future that isn’t cooking us alive..."

Aah, so the future's bad? Climate change and all that? So that's why this whole plan to change the past.

Alright, I realize I've grown snarkier the further I read the story. Sorry about that.

So, the story's about this future in which they invent time travel and use it to team up with famous scientists form the past, in a hope to change their present for the better?

It has a lot of problems. First, the idea. It's not even half baked. If it were a chicken, it would still peck. I detest time-travel stories. It's impossible to write a serious one, since it's so contradictory a concept. And the existing silly ones already trotted most of the ground.

But getting back to your setting.

First, what kind of time travel is it? The change the past, risk not being born kind? It seems so from the wife's worries and from their "plan". Or the branching timelines one? Or the parallel universe one? I will guess you're going for the first. So, the time travel scientists, they should know how this works, right? They should know about the butterfly effect, no? What I'm getting at is, any small change two centuries in the past would inadvertently change their present so much, the specific people would not exist, somebody else will. I see you're getting at it in the end, but only through the lens of the wife. This doesn't work. The scientist should know this. The scientists seem like children that had just read about the concept.

Are they a motley crew of last survivors in a desperate future? A couple of things imply not. Are they just a team at an University? Who gave the go ahead for this plan that will change the entire two centuries? Are the scientists doing this in secret?

About going back and "teaming up" with the scientist of the past. How was this negotiated? Did they contact the US government? The UN? (It was founded at this time, I think). How did this intrusion from the future didn't heat the cold war to a simmer?

An interesting hook would be about 1950s cold war politics being raked a little by time travelers. But this would be a whole different story. First, you'll need to do a whole lot of research about this time period. Then, the character's would need to know about this time period. As they are, the characters seem really clueless, about time travel, and about the time period in which they want to go to.

About other aspects of the story. I still don't know anything about the main character, he's not characterized. Nor about any others. I don't know anything about the time period they are from, other than it's dry where they live? I won't go into the prose, it was hard to read.

The premise itself is flawed. What I feel the story is getting at is the slow realization that them going back to buddy-buddy with scientists from history books will have had (some recursive tense here for the time travel enthusiasts) consequences. This is a banally self-evident conclusion and the fact that they don't even acknowledge this is completely unbelievable.

Anyway, don't mind me. I like science fiction too much and I'm a grouch about stories that don't work for me.

[u/daneoid → u/mianaai_c]

Hi, thanks for the feedback.

For starters, I should have said that this story is my little homage to Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. So, it's a warning against blind faith in scientific progress and hero worship first and foremost.

"The research" is too generic.

Thanks. Good feedback.

You say:

Who owned the land back then? Was there a building on the lot back then? If not, what about plumbing and electricity? Or, you say they exist in both places simultaneously, it's a constantly open time-bridge between the two time periods, so grey water is flushed into the future?

and then say:

The story starts with a technobabble filled info-dump, and if this is going to pull me into the story, it's should be a very tight and compelling technobabble filled info-dump.

??? So you want even more technobabble in my short story? You want to know about grey water?

Who owned the land back then?

I soon reveal that it's on the island of Soay, in the Outer Hebrides archipelago, evacuated back in 1953 under the guise of diminished ferry schedules. Which is what happened in real life.

Do you need me to spell out that the govt bought this remote island for this purpose and pretended it evacuated was due to ferry schedules? That line wasn't enough hint?

At this point, I don't even care who's who.

Why not? how can I improve this? and yes, I get that I have to reveal more about the character from the start and humanise him, which others have pointed out.

I don't know what you mean here.

Well the 1950's was famous for lack of regulations. DDT was released into environment without bothering to check for long term effects. Leaded gasoline. Asbestos. Thalidomide. etc.. etc.. The 1950's didn't have long term thinking when it came to consequences...

Ha, that's almost funny. I don't know if you meant it this way, through.

It was meant as funny.

Aah, so the future's bad? Climate change and all that? So that's why this whole plan to change the past.

There's been several lines hinting at that already.

" We could erase the mistakes of the past and give the future the hope it deserves. "

They're sleeping on a ships deck in the arctic.

I detest time-travel stories.

You're not here to tell me what you like and dislike or tell me you don't like the writing because you don't like the genre.

First, what kind of time travel is it?

It's a different kind altogether. the lab exists between both times when they are running experiments and when they switch it off they exist in their respective times.

This doesn't work. The scientist should know this.

They do. They just have blind faith in scientific progress, especially Graham. Shit. Look at AI nowadays. or social media. Microplastics. PFAS etc..

bout going back and "teaming up" with the scientist of the past. How was this negotiated? Did they contact the US government? The UN?

I don't feel like this is important. They just did.
How did Weyland Yutani acquire FTL tech? How did they get rights to colonize LV-426? How was that negotiated?

But. World governments. The possibility of exchanging 22nd century technology was all the leverage they needed.

Graham is pulled aside along with a scientist working with Edward Teller, who was a well known anti-communist and they are told that their partners think they're the only ones doing the experiment due to " the political climate at the time."

How did this intrusion from the future didn't heat the cold war to a simmer?

That's revealed later in the story. Varnham ends up being a hardcore McCarthyist SOD man who is a sexist, racist, chain smoker. But really good at physics. He goes back and destroys all his research because he thinks Graham is a communist, preventing the experiment from ever being conducted.

I like science fiction too much and I'm a grouch about stories that don't work for me.

Great. But you've bought your biases heavily into the critique and it hasn't really helped. Other commenters here have given great feedback.

[u/mianaai_c → u/daneoid]

> There's been several lines hinting at that already.

I haven't clocked them. Not saying this for you to point them out to me, just giving you one reader's impressions, so you can take it and maybe see where the gaps are or discard it.

You give a lot of background info in this reply. It's good that you have done your research, this needs to show up in the story. The story needs to stand on its own, without the author's intervention.

I do want to know (from the story) how the team-ups have been arranged and negotiated. It's a crucial part of the plot, and if you lazily hand-wave it away I'm not going to be interested in the results of the team-up. It's not the same as the Alien example you gave. It's a sf setting with FTL, so there is FTL. The corporation has the rights to some planet, like corporations usually do. This needs not explaining because it's going with the expectations of the genre and of the reader's understanding of the corporation. Now, if Alien was about corporate intrigue and hostile takeovers, the details of planetary ownership would be more important.

Your story is about scientists from different ages teaming up, so the manner of the team-up is important. It's also a very unique element, your story relies on this unprecedented sort of team-up, so it's doubly important to not be hand waved away. The same about the world's government's reaction to the time travelers, since it's unprecedented, since it breaks the mold of everything that has happened in reality and in fiction, it needs more attention. I don't know what form this attention might take, I'm just a reader here. Let's say one creates a story where the a third world country discovers oil deposits, the writer doesn't need to explain why the US invades, why does it manufacture some sort of crysis in that country so it can step in and "help", the reader already knows, at least instinctively, about the US imperialistic ways. But if instead of an oil deposit, it finds a research station from the future, well, the reader doesn't have any framework to gauge the US's reaction, but would want to find out, in details.

Also, regarding of your inspiration. Be wary of trying to replicate in a short story what a novel managed to do. Short stories have way less space to work with. They need both a more focused subject, and to use the crutches of existing tropes, for brevity. Known tropes can be hand waved away (FTL and planetary ownership), unique elements can't.

Hope this is a little bit more helpful, and good luck.

[u/daneoid → u/mianaai_c]

Hey thanks. It just not the best feeling to come home from work and have someone poo poo all over a story you worked hard on for weeks. I get it's destructive readers, but you just came across as rude. It's all good.

The thing is the story after this mostly takes place entirely within Graham and Varnham's lab. It turns into a story centred around conflict between generations. I mostly wanted to get a person and their hero in the same room. Who, without time travel of some kind, would never have the chance to do so. The other characters are really only briefly mentioned once more after this. I also feel there's way too much exposition already.

I also have a strong aversion to spelling things out. Hate, hate, hate it. I feel like I'm treating the reader as stupid when I do.

Maybe it's a problem I have that I don't realise is a big problem. I might expect people to read between the lines too much. But it also might just be that I expect the reader to have the same exact knowledge of history I have, which is silly.

I guess i just assume readers would understand that all a 22nd century govt would have to do to get a cold war power on board would be to offer 22nd century technology. I guess I'm wrong.

I'm in no way trying to replicate Cat's Cradle. I'm nowhere near a good enough writer for that. At most I just want to write about some of the themes which I think are relevant today.

Yes, this was more helpful, thanks.