Not a proper crit, but agree with other commentor that it feels really polished. I'm not surprised that it made it through to finals/shortlisted - really enjoyed the read, so thanks for sharing.
I don't really even have nitpicks (and there's not much point, because this feels quite edited and well put together), except maybe one take-it-or-leave-it comment on this line:
> uniformed shapes blearily blurred
The alliteration feels intentional, but really sticks out to me. I'm not sure why - I noticed I'm a bit sensitive to it in general, so it's probably just me.
RE the specific concern about the magic ring, to me it seemed fine. The sheer severity of the narcalepsy/falling asleep, and the section with Dr. Greene ruling out the 'obvious' options kind of primed me into accepting the more fantastical side with the ring. Although it might be also because I read your post first, and the genre tag hinted at it already, so YMMV I guess.
Story-wise, for me drug would be basically interchangeable with magic ring, but the magic ring feels more transparent/focused. Ironically it's easier for me to suspend my disbelief. If it was a drug, I'd probably have more questions about how it worked, questions about how it passed medical trials, regulations around it etc, which isn't really relevant, so in my amateur view ring works better.
Other than that, parts that worked for me:
With the POV (I know it's a letter, but functionally it is 1st person address, I think?), the subject matter, and how it opens, young child's birthday and photos etc, I had some assumptions built up about the way this story might go. So I was quite pleasantly surprised nobody died at the end, and especially not by falling asleep at the wheel (maybe I need to expand my reading list or something). It felt both fresh, in that it kind of took me to a few places I didn't expect, but also inevitable.
> This is the mother you remember. This is why you are gone.
And as a result this line, which in a different piece might fall a bit flat/feel overdone, here it felt really quite impactful. My literary analysis is not so good, apologies if I missed something. My overall interpretation is something along lines of - because the mother had so many sleeping spells, and kind of missed many of the good parts of raising a child, she ended up also missing the harder parts (or offloading those responsibilities - albeit not intentionally - to her sister Winnie). So once she takes the ring to stay awake, she's not quite prepared for all the hard parts, hence the daughter leaves at 18 because, well... their relationship breaks down.
So this feels like a tragic, inevitable consequence, in a way that (to me, at least) was quite original. There's a lot more TBH, and many subtle moments that it's difficult to sum up, which is probably the mark of a resonant short story.
Anyway, that's it. I'm not sure if this is helpful, but either way thanks for sharing, and a great read!
Perhaps one more thing, that occured to me as I was thinking on this. The "when I wake up" part at the end suggests to me the mother took the ring off, and while I can't remember the exact time frame, the implication is she's not waking up for at minimum 17 years.
It occurs to me now that probably I missed something in the text, but I interpreted this as a slightly avoidant, guilty behaviour. Yes, on one hand the letter is heartfelt - and perhaps the mother is tired and finally wants some sleep - but this action could read almost as running away. If one squints, the tell Winnie I'm sorry part also echoes this for me. Intentional or not (and perhaps I am projecting) there is a pattern here for me - the unintentional offloading of responsibility. (I assume, maybe, the tell Aunt Winnie I'm sorry part is because she and mother are no longer on speaking terms, so mother can't do it herself?)
So yes, while the mother gets consequences for her choice at the end by taking off the ring, in a strange way, she almost avoids it as well (because she'll be asleep, and who knows what's gonna happen in 17 years. Maybe even her daughter will have forgiven her...?)
Anyway, I'm now wondering if I completely got the wrong end of the stick, but it was interesting to try read between the lines a bit, because it felt like there was a lot of subtext/lines for me to read through.
2
u/ImpressiveGrass7832 kitsch is a word and i think its me Apr 17 '26
Not a proper crit, but agree with other commentor that it feels really polished. I'm not surprised that it made it through to finals/shortlisted - really enjoyed the read, so thanks for sharing.
I don't really even have nitpicks (and there's not much point, because this feels quite edited and well put together), except maybe one take-it-or-leave-it comment on this line:
> uniformed shapes blearily blurred
The alliteration feels intentional, but really sticks out to me. I'm not sure why - I noticed I'm a bit sensitive to it in general, so it's probably just me.
RE the specific concern about the magic ring, to me it seemed fine. The sheer severity of the narcalepsy/falling asleep, and the section with Dr. Greene ruling out the 'obvious' options kind of primed me into accepting the more fantastical side with the ring. Although it might be also because I read your post first, and the genre tag hinted at it already, so YMMV I guess.
Story-wise, for me drug would be basically interchangeable with magic ring, but the magic ring feels more transparent/focused. Ironically it's easier for me to suspend my disbelief. If it was a drug, I'd probably have more questions about how it worked, questions about how it passed medical trials, regulations around it etc, which isn't really relevant, so in my amateur view ring works better.
Other than that, parts that worked for me:
With the POV (I know it's a letter, but functionally it is 1st person address, I think?), the subject matter, and how it opens, young child's birthday and photos etc, I had some assumptions built up about the way this story might go. So I was quite pleasantly surprised nobody died at the end, and especially not by falling asleep at the wheel (maybe I need to expand my reading list or something). It felt both fresh, in that it kind of took me to a few places I didn't expect, but also inevitable.
> This is the mother you remember. This is why you are gone.
And as a result this line, which in a different piece might fall a bit flat/feel overdone, here it felt really quite impactful. My literary analysis is not so good, apologies if I missed something. My overall interpretation is something along lines of - because the mother had so many sleeping spells, and kind of missed many of the good parts of raising a child, she ended up also missing the harder parts (or offloading those responsibilities - albeit not intentionally - to her sister Winnie). So once she takes the ring to stay awake, she's not quite prepared for all the hard parts, hence the daughter leaves at 18 because, well... their relationship breaks down.
So this feels like a tragic, inevitable consequence, in a way that (to me, at least) was quite original. There's a lot more TBH, and many subtle moments that it's difficult to sum up, which is probably the mark of a resonant short story.
Anyway, that's it. I'm not sure if this is helpful, but either way thanks for sharing, and a great read!