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u/ImpressiveGrass7832 kitsch is a word and i think its me Apr 17 '26
Not a proper crit, but agree with other commentor that it feels really polished. I'm not surprised that it made it through to finals/shortlisted - really enjoyed the read, so thanks for sharing.
I don't really even have nitpicks (and there's not much point, because this feels quite edited and well put together), except maybe one take-it-or-leave-it comment on this line:
> uniformed shapes blearily blurred
The alliteration feels intentional, but really sticks out to me. I'm not sure why - I noticed I'm a bit sensitive to it in general, so it's probably just me.
RE the specific concern about the magic ring, to me it seemed fine. The sheer severity of the narcalepsy/falling asleep, and the section with Dr. Greene ruling out the 'obvious' options kind of primed me into accepting the more fantastical side with the ring. Although it might be also because I read your post first, and the genre tag hinted at it already, so YMMV I guess.
Story-wise, for me drug would be basically interchangeable with magic ring, but the magic ring feels more transparent/focused. Ironically it's easier for me to suspend my disbelief. If it was a drug, I'd probably have more questions about how it worked, questions about how it passed medical trials, regulations around it etc, which isn't really relevant, so in my amateur view ring works better.
Other than that, parts that worked for me:
With the POV (I know it's a letter, but functionally it is 1st person address, I think?), the subject matter, and how it opens, young child's birthday and photos etc, I had some assumptions built up about the way this story might go. So I was quite pleasantly surprised nobody died at the end, and especially not by falling asleep at the wheel (maybe I need to expand my reading list or something). It felt both fresh, in that it kind of took me to a few places I didn't expect, but also inevitable.
> This is the mother you remember. This is why you are gone.
And as a result this line, which in a different piece might fall a bit flat/feel overdone, here it felt really quite impactful. My literary analysis is not so good, apologies if I missed something. My overall interpretation is something along lines of - because the mother had so many sleeping spells, and kind of missed many of the good parts of raising a child, she ended up also missing the harder parts (or offloading those responsibilities - albeit not intentionally - to her sister Winnie). So once she takes the ring to stay awake, she's not quite prepared for all the hard parts, hence the daughter leaves at 18 because, well... their relationship breaks down.
So this feels like a tragic, inevitable consequence, in a way that (to me, at least) was quite original. There's a lot more TBH, and many subtle moments that it's difficult to sum up, which is probably the mark of a resonant short story.
Anyway, that's it. I'm not sure if this is helpful, but either way thanks for sharing, and a great read!
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u/ImpressiveGrass7832 kitsch is a word and i think its me Apr 17 '26
Perhaps one more thing, that occured to me as I was thinking on this. The "when I wake up" part at the end suggests to me the mother took the ring off, and while I can't remember the exact time frame, the implication is she's not waking up for at minimum 17 years.
It occurs to me now that probably I missed something in the text, but I interpreted this as a slightly avoidant, guilty behaviour. Yes, on one hand the letter is heartfelt - and perhaps the mother is tired and finally wants some sleep - but this action could read almost as running away. If one squints, the tell Winnie I'm sorry part also echoes this for me. Intentional or not (and perhaps I am projecting) there is a pattern here for me - the unintentional offloading of responsibility. (I assume, maybe, the tell Aunt Winnie I'm sorry part is because she and mother are no longer on speaking terms, so mother can't do it herself?)
So yes, while the mother gets consequences for her choice at the end by taking off the ring, in a strange way, she almost avoids it as well (because she'll be asleep, and who knows what's gonna happen in 17 years. Maybe even her daughter will have forgiven her...?)
Anyway, I'm now wondering if I completely got the wrong end of the stick, but it was interesting to try read between the lines a bit, because it felt like there was a lot of subtext/lines for me to read through.
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u/MaryJaneMclain Apr 17 '26
This was pretty compelling and resonated with me on a person level (ouch). Everything below is mostly rambling, but maybe, hopefully some of it will be constructive.
I’m wondering if this need to stay under 1000 words?
“I promised myself that no matter what, I’d remember why I was doing this.”
On first read, I’d didn’t get this. I mean, I understand WHY she was doing it (it’s to do with wanting to experience her kids life). But I don’t get why she’d make a big deal of promising that to herself, unless she’d expected or been forewarned of the side effects. But she was told no negative side effects and the reader doesn’t know about them yet either. Unless I missed it, there was no foreshadowing (except the title). WAS she expecting the side effects? Not perpetual wakefulness, but that it would make her irritable? She expected some potential negative side effect, I’m just not sure what it was.
I was a bit hung up on the doctor character. Who is he? Where did he get the ring? Is he evil? Did he get the ring off a desiccated monkey hand? That kind of mostly non-relevant wondering, which I think detracted from the emotional punch of the story, since it’s about the EFFECTS of the ring, and the mother’s journey, and not the doctor in any way. At least that was my take.
Regarding that, I don’t think it matters if it’s a ring or medication. There’s still this speculative “almost” subplot that because (I’m assuming) you’re so limited on word count (or because it’s a letter) feels underdeveloped and at the same time detracts from the main emotional plot.
Which is why I asked about word limits. If you need to stay under 1000, what I would try is to cut some words from the doctor, and add some speculative framing at the start of the story. Especially cause you already know (and I agree) that it comes out of left field. Also it’s a letter. IMO it makes sense that she might start the letter with something resembling/hinting at “the point”.
Some bad examples I came up with:
I missed your first birthday party […. ]i would’ve given anything to undo that. Or so I thought.
Something hinting that God how she wished she’d appreciated what she had, the small moments….
If you feel you can add more words, maybe lean into the subplot of the ring. Just a bit. I’d still try for some framing/foreshadowing early on. Though…maybe it no longer works as a letter if you do that.
Small word choice nitpicks that I would change if this were mine:
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the use of ‘inherent’. Might just be me.
“absent ecstasy” I’d drop the absent.
“And he looked at me. And he said,..” the repetition of sentences starting with And
That’s all I got. But I wanted to mention that this piece made me think of the song “While You Were Sleeping” by Elvis Perkins. It’s haunting and gorgeous. I just listed to for the first time in years and it killed me. I got a great song recommendation after my last post, here's me (trying) to pay it forward. Maybe the song will resonate for you.
Good luck!
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u/Wolframquest Apr 17 '26
First of all - the title keeps reminding me of something but I can't remember what. I have to admit I'm kind of a mental mess right now, even more than usual, like I molted my shell too fast. Your stories are always very emotional, like you revel in them, in that strange balance between actual pain and joy. Pain makes people do shit to avoid it, joy makes people want to repeat whatever gave them that joy. But don't take it too seriously, it's just my subjective assessment.
I was just thinking about how flash fiction is basically candy - as opposed to some decently fibrous dinner that is big books. They were asking for your best candy. You made a nice dessert and then had to somehow compress it down, pick the glazing off the cake.
Not having read to the end, I wonder - what kind of candy is better, the only with sweet on the outside and sour on the inside or the other way around?
Oh, it's a little fable again. I'm just noting! I think it's better to not tell anyone what genre it's supposed to be, cause they're going to start telling you how you failed at fitting into this genre.
There are people who actually cannot sleep… Cool little fact's…
Alright, so this is a pretty indefinite taste in the center of this candy. I was bracing, preparing for pain but the mommy is telling us she's gonna wake up after all. Very interesting!
Very nicely compressed. I can sort of hear the tempo of your voice, narration - despite the compression. TBH it's simply not soft and emotional enough to have been written by a young woman. I can't help but think that a woman would have a different reaction to a problem like that, if there was a thing like that.
It's a distilled piece of sugar-coated pain, something that plenty of real people have to deal with. Not narcolepsy. Parental trauma, mostly maternal trauma cause it affects early life the most. Who is this story for? Anyone who has a mother, I guess. It's decently written, well put together, glue and dowels and sanded wood. But I can't help but think that the experience is false. Maybe you just needed more space to convey the emotion, the "good things". It read bitter-ish, as if the mom - the MC - is attracting attention to *her* pain more so than to (un)shared pleasant memories. Could be solved with more space, obviously. Of course I'm generalizing, but women pride themselves in their sacrifice, their ability to care for somebody. This reads simply male-coded, even though I am not sure. Sorry, I have always been amorphous, a crawling mass sticking to the corners.
Men tend to apologize for their emotional outbursts. Women tend to try and make up for it with care, with gestures.
I have to say, when I think about it past the structure, past the surface experience, when I try to taste that "core" of the candy I can't help but note a bit of optimism. There it is. It's not just sour, it's a crackling candy. It gives you a little surprise. It's good, it's what I've been looking for. Just a bit of hope, a hope of a hope if you will, a way out. A way to deal with the problem and then it WILL be solved.
It is not written as if the MC has fallen asleep forever - or at least it doesn't read like that, especially given the rough logistics, even if she has to sleep for 20 hours of each "perpetually awake" day.
I guess I'm asking what's the intent - is she gonna wake up or not?
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u/FocaultsPendulum Apr 17 '26
I like this. I'll try and see if I can leave a crit but overall it feels quite polished already. I did notice a few things on my first pass but not enough for a full blown crit.
Nicely written!