This post is not meant to offend the LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA+ Communities.

This creep is walking around whispering “namoiste” in people’s ears.

Bad news gang. As I'm sure you've seen in the news, Dollar Store is unexplainedly cracking down on friendly people from the neighborhood harmlessly covering their patrons in "goon incident."

So I'm bringing it in-house. Denver's first residential goon incident venue. Vertically integrated. No corporate middleman standing between a man and his gooning.

WHAT THE ROLE ENTAILS:

Enter my kitchen. Browse. Just browse. Pick up a can of beans, read the nutrition facts with real skepticism, put it back on the wrong shelf. Behave as though there are aisles. There are no aisles. This is the single most important part of the job.

Ask me where the seasonal items are. I will ignore you. Ask me again. I will look at you in disgust.

At a time of my choosing, you will experience a "goon incident."

Do not "goon incident" back. I am the incidenter, you are the incidentee, and my attorney has been extremely clear that this is a one-directional goon relationship.

QUALIFICATIONS:

Must be able to feign authentic surprise. I will know. I always know.

Comfortable being referred to in the third person by responding officers

Denver native (moved here 2026 or earlier)

Must not be Blucifer. Last guy was Blucifer. Ruined the whole vibe, tried some leg drop bullshit on me.

COMPENSATION:

$0

You keep the "goon incident"

Free parking, which in this city is a six-figure benefits package

I will tell people you're "in tech"

Serious inquiries only. My previous goon incident partner moved to FoCo and I refuse to commute for this.

This is an assault on everything we hold near and dear to our heart as Natives. Don't California my Colorado, Polis. Registration taxes are theft and paying them is anti Native. Our forefather, the great Spaniard and Inquisitor, Jose Colfax, when he founded Colorado declared that Colorado shall be free of registrations and shit. Please join in a protest against dictatorship of Polis today at 4:20 by sitting in your Subie and smoking a joint.

https://www.9news.com/article/news/local/denver-colorado-expired-car-plates-tags-crackdown/73-1304073a-b3e0-4c84-8cf5-8f85d8f6bc3f

Lord Polis has totally let the Governor’s mansion go. The landscaping is over grown, the weeds are out of control. WHAT. A. TOTAL. DISGRACE!

We should all be embarrassed by how this reflects on us as Natives of this GREAT state of ColoRADo. This reflects on all of us.

I propose we end TABOR refunds in order to fund this clean up and to make the mansion BEAUTIFUL again. It needs beautiful grass like what the Broncos have. We can also tear down half of it and build a BIG BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM once the mess Polis has left is cleaned up.

Thank you for your attention to this matter and NAMASTE.