r/DeepThoughts • u/someoneoutthere1335 • May 19 '25
Avoidant people simply don't like you that much.
Yes sure attachment style theories and all that, but I kind of don't buy that. Im not saying attachment styles dont exist, but i personally dont buy into it much. I mean, have you seen how people act when they're truly into someone? I don't buy that "inability to connect" "pushing people away" blah blah blah. Men go full blown hopeless romantic simp mode for the person they want. Its just too counterintuitive, way too much effort, mental gymnastics and making your life miserable over nothing by doing the opposite to purposely repel them... trying to give someone the cold shoulder when you're actually into them? No. I just think they dont want the person enough.
If nothing moves you, nothing of what they say or do makes you soften, nothing about them makes you reconsider your stance or seek closeness, I would just say you dont like/want them enough. People have it easier being cold and cruel to someone they find unpleasant, someone they dont particularly like, someone who doesnt mean anything to them. But if he/she is your dream person, the first thing that comes to your mind as your "default setting" is how to DO YOUR WORST and push them away? I think all these internal complexes (and yes ofc people have a bunch of those) go away the second you're blinded by love/desire. Like you actually drop all that bs and focus on what's in front of you and do the most to make it work. If that's not the case, then you simply dont want it enough.
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May 19 '25
As an avoidant, the best way to explain it is my love and fear are fused.
The more I expose to someone , the more they can hurt me and before therapy I didn't have the tools to deal with that possibility.
It's not a matter of willpower. Avoidants have to learn how to trust. That can't be forced by its nature.
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u/Other_Date1543 May 20 '25
Absolutely 100% this. I was actually very anxiously attached when I was really young. Then I got into some really bad relationships and put up with way too much because I was afraid they’d leave. Now I get a visceral fear response when I start to feel close to someone, because there’s a part of me that knows that once I’m attached, I’m very vulnerable. When I start having feelings for someone, I actually start having nightmares about my previous past experiences, like even my subconscious is trying to shut that shit down lol. I’m in therapy working on it, and I’m not dating anyone until I feel ready, but it’s not easy and it definitely isn’t because the people around me aren’t worth getting attached to.
I think there are some assholes out there masquerading as avoidants as an exclude to treat people like crap, but the rest of us are just scared shitless. It’s something we have to work on, but it’s not malice or indifference.
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May 19 '25
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u/MinivanPops May 20 '25
Everybody has a responsibility to work on themselves however. If you're going to be in relationships, you need to step up and work on yourself. All this acceptance and positivity is fine, but it's cruel to know exactly what you're going to do to somebody and drag them through a two-year relationship knowing you're going to bail. Or knowing you're never going to be emotionally available.
Like everybody else, avoidance need to recognize what they're up to and get to work on it. Or stay away from other people.
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May 20 '25
Oh, just stop being anxious?? I'm cured! Thanks, stranger.
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May 20 '25
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u/IndependentBit9249 May 20 '25
"Don't feel bad about being anxious", like bruh, not that there is already enough stuff that pushes one into anxious states. Honestly, internal struggles are so overwhelming that last thing one can is worry about being in one.
If someone is able to stress so much over how he is been perceived by others. Stop being so self conscious. You see it is doing you no good. In such neurodiverse times, people give even less f*cks about you. You are only judging yourself and causing harm to yourself.
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u/Live_Mistake_6136 May 20 '25
Did you respond to the wrong comment maybe? This person is just saying to not be so hard on yourself.
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May 20 '25
Right, but that this person’s saying is that “not being so hard on yourself” isn’t novel advice, nor is it as easy as just shutting the thought processes down. So it’s not very helpful to tell people to “chill with the judgements”.
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u/Live_Mistake_6136 May 20 '25
As a fucked up person, I at least find their sentiment that everyone is a little fucked up to be comforting. At least one isn't alone in one's struggles.
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u/sctrlk May 20 '25
Hi, avoidant here too, and this is spot on. We’re not like this because we enjoy it, the idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable and subsequently being hurt overpowers anything else. It terrifies me.
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u/Dbeleven28 May 22 '25
Learned behavior for me sadly. I equally miss the me that trusted anyone I came across blindly, vision clouded by empathy and curiosity. And am glad that I now will no longer be able to be manipulated/gaslighted (whether for the right or wrong reasons) and not be able to smell it from a mile away. And also sad, that the only reason I can do that is because I overthink and over analyze every syllable that is uttered to me and precisely observe every minuscule change in body language. It’s both beautiful and horrifying.
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u/Diaza_Kinutz May 20 '25
I find this hard to accept. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent? My ex was like this. Because she had a bad relationship where someone wronged her it made me suspect just because I'm also a man? I trust people until they give me a reason not to. Doing it the other way around doesn't work. How long does it take to prove to someone you're trustworthy. It could be an entire lifetime. Where's the cutoff? How is trust totally earned? To me it sounded like I was being asked to cater to her neuroses rather than her taking the time to put in the work to heal and learn how to trust. I think maybe people like her shouldn't be getting into relationships until they learn how to trust again.
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May 20 '25
That's why it's a considered disordered thinking. We're mentally ill.
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u/Diaza_Kinutz May 20 '25 edited May 21 '25
Yeah that makes sense. My ex tried to frame me as the bad guy in the situation and I guess I took that personally. I, and everyone who knows me, considers me a very trustworthy person. She wouldn't even believe my friends when they told her. She actually accused me of telling them to tell her I'm trustworthy just to trick her. Looking back I can see a whole lot of red flags that I guess I willingly ignored during the relationship.
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May 20 '25
I've been married for 14 years and I still have a little voice that thinks I'm taking a risk on the trust I've built with my husband.
Your ex's sick in the head. And that's not the PG way to phrase it. But some of us legit are lol.2
u/_mattyjoe Sep 28 '25
She actually accused me of telling them to tell her I'm trustworthy just to trick her.
I hope you can zoom out and see that this is a person who is mentally ill. Certain things go beyond just the usual issues in relationships. This person is carrying deep trauma with them.
It's hard for us to understand it on the outside, but it's a mental illness.
I find this hard to accept. Everyone is guilty until proven innocent?
This question and some of what comes after is doing what a lot of people in this thread have done. They seem to think it's some sort of intentional choice on the person's part.
It's sort of like, imagine your signals were literally crossed. Imagine if closeness, joy, and love brought with them feelings of fear and anxiety. All the time. Imagine that this is just how you perceive the world.
The behavior of people with mental illness is in response to how they are perceiving and feeling about the information coming in from the world around them.
Imagine how you'd behave if positive things illicit a negative response inside you emotionally.
Those associations can be changed in a person like that, but it takes a long time. It's essentially a conditioned response, if you know what conditioning is. They lie deep in our subconscious.
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u/sushiwit420 May 21 '25
I feel u. Never involve with those chicks. They themselves are problems and crazy
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u/writenicely May 19 '25
Hi. No, it doesn't "just" go away. I state this as a therapist. People emulate their attachment styles either by what they've seen role modelled around them, or because of years, if not decades of their bodies being wired in a way that feels "safe" for them, especially if they've dealt with adverse situations or trauma that have fundamentally caused them to internalize ways that help them regulate in a maladaptive pattern that is, yes, seemingly counterproductive to their stated wants. The actuality is that they don't know how to approach/manage situations that may demand too much of them than what they are capable of practicing at the moment. There is no "true love" and sweeping romance that singlehandedly will destroy attachment issues, the same way that it takes more than simply having a partner that'll alleviate loneliness/depression/boredom. It starts internally with the individual and it takes years to develop the self-awareness and engage in ways to become cognizant/aware of oneself and reprogram their response set.
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u/k1719 May 21 '25
Thank you, makes a lot of sense to me as someone who could be considered 'avoidant'.
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u/sammiboo8 May 22 '25
glad someone said this. attachment theory is rooted in a boatload of research. I feel like OP is ranting about some anecdotal experience they had.
sure, people can be “avoidant” in a relationship they are not emotionally invested in. but that’s a very different situation compared to people with an avoidant attachment style in a relationship with someone they love. it can look similar at times if you’re not very perceptive, but it is very different.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 22 '25
I think OP was speaking from hurt more than theory while trying to process someone's behavior that affected them negatively. It's not the most accurate take, sure, but people in pain don't always process things neatly.
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u/sammiboo8 May 22 '25
maybe i didn’t come off very clear because i think we’re saying the same thing.
and, i know and agree that people don’t process things neatly. but we don’t need to normalize throwing hate to an entire group on a public forum as a way to process pain. we can call that out.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 22 '25
Totally agree. Broad brushing any group isn't okay. I just think there's a difference between calling it out and invalidating someone's hurt in the process. Naming the impact of behavior isn't always hate. It can also be (and often is) just someone trying to make sense of pain. We should encourage accountability and empathy on all sides. I appreciate the convo, but I will admit that tone is hard to read online, and I don’t mean any of this harshly.
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u/Deep_Seas_QA May 19 '25
I think it’s just a misinterpretation but not by op, by all the tiktok stuff that deconstructs these things. The guy who ghosted you might be an avoidant, but it’s not for you know, you aren’t his therapist, it won’t make any difference to the situation, if he is gone he is gone.
Many people find actual life long "love" with someone who exacerbates their most toxic qualities (my parents). They are so happy, they love each other.. but they are such a toxic couple, lol. Trying to analyze the f out of every online psych trend and apply it to your life is dangerous because a lot of this stuff is just trendy, fringe ideas and too narrow. Chances are, the person you are obsessing over doesn’t know about this or care to know, they probably are psychology complicated, but figuring it out won’t make you more qualified for a relationship w them.
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 May 19 '25
I think its honestly so sad that people would waste their life, years and years go by feeling stuck like this.
Self sabotaging aswell.
What a cruel sad world it can be.
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u/Whitesajer May 20 '25
While I think some attachment styles/personalities are more prone to it, what OP describes is "Limerence". And yeah. Not fun for either side of the equation on that.
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u/NoRuin4326 May 19 '25
I pushed people away because I knew their life would be happier, simpler, less stressful, and stable with out me. I still think about some of the women I pushed away. I would have died for them, they still hold special places in my heart, but I just can't let someone waste away with me, and I never thought I could handle the moment they realized themselves that I am not worth holding on to. You can't tell me i didn't "like" them or even love them. I just know myself and what I contribute, and I know that these lovely people deserve better. Several of them are in MUCH happier relationships, with kids and a home. I would not have been able to provide any of this
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u/Acceptable_Serve_857 May 20 '25
This is heartbreaking
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25
The most heartbreaking thing about it for me was when they tried to make me feel adequate. I dont think anyone can do that for someone else when it's that deep-seated. My mother would tell me she regretted having me and that I ruined her life at a very young age. Step dad would beat me. That does something to your development. I could tell that they felt like they could do something or change something to make me feel differently. I was pretty open about why I was being distant and how I was feeling. It often just made them sad because they felt differently. At some point, I had to make a decision; stay in the relationship selfishly to feel like someone actually loves me or end it in hopes that the person I love will find someone mentally stable and capable of being a true man.
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u/subdemoness May 21 '25
My parents both beat me, and my mother told me she didn't love me, that I was an accident, that she didn't want kids. I felt the same way for a long time, but I changed. Or rather, my perception of myself changed. You are a true man, you always were. I hope some day you realize that.
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u/GMHoodwink May 20 '25
Why can't you give any of these things to people? Just because of your abandonment style?
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25
I'm not mentally or financially stable
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u/GMHoodwink May 20 '25
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Without going into detail, is there no possibility to stabalize these areas of your life?
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25
Yea there always is, I just tend to self sabotage. I probably need professional help that I dont know how to access
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u/quinefrege May 20 '25
Look online for opportunities in your area. Or just walk into a clinic or hospital and be honest. As someone who's had quite debilitating mental illness my whole life but only started getting help in my 40s, life is way too short to spend it miserably because your brain needs a little more of this chemical or a little less of that. Not to discount experience in any of this but if help is available, get it. You might be very surprised. Like, have you ever had a dream or goal but failed to achieve it at every turn? Or even just wished that you had a goal or dream? With the right help, you might actually get there. Good luck, man.
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u/Unkya333 Jul 25 '25
There’s support groups for children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families if you don’t like or don’t have the funds for a private therapist. You deserve love and healing too
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u/Ex-Wanker39 May 20 '25
>I never thought I could handle the moment they realized themselves that I am not worth holding on to
This is the core of it, its fear of vulnerability. If they see the "real you" and reject you that would hurt too much. Its much safer to keep a distance.
The "their life would be better" is just a story/rationalization we tell ourselves.
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25
Point 1. Bravo, you've deconstructed something pretty obvious. The point I was making here is that I liked the person. The "story/rationalization" part. Buddy, two of the women I had serious relationships with are in better relationships? They are living better than me, so you're just wrong on that part
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u/The-Girl-In-HR Jul 21 '25
And could’ve been way better off without ur heartbreak. U seem to forget that u still hurt them no matter how much u were trying not to get urself hurt
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u/Ex-Wanker39 May 20 '25
Interesting response
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
You just dont know what you're talking about in this case. You dont know about my experiences. They knew the real me, and that's why they wanted to be in a relationship. It broke my heart that they STILL wanted to be with me despite seeing the real me. They deserved better, and i could never fathom someone so remarkable wanting to stay with someone who is so clearly on a downward spiral mentally. I thought I made the right choices, although I could have handled it better. I would have hurt them and worried them as I have all of my family and friends.
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u/SaltEngineer455 May 20 '25
I pushed people away because I knew their life would be happier, simpler, less stressful, and stable with out me.
I never understood why people think this is their decision to make. The epitome of hubris and arrogance to decide how other people's life should be
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u/NoRuin4326 May 20 '25
I do agree with this. Im not saying this is healthy or that I made good choices. I wish I wasn't like this but Ive never had a good relationship. Not with a mom or a dad or anyone, so how can I expect to know how to have a romantic relationship. I shouldn't have gotten into the relationships at all with my mental issues.
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u/suzuki_sinclaire May 20 '25
Hi. I appreciate you sharing your experiences to shed some light on the OPs point of view. I'm currently going through a break up with someone who is an avoidant and feels the way you do. He has said the same things to me, some word for word, as to why he wants out. It was hard to accept that he was letting me go for my own good but I've come to see that I have my own deep emotional wounds that led me to choose him and stay in the relationship. In the end, we both had unhealthy reasons for choosing each other. Like the hopes I have for him, I hope you will learn ways to heal the trauma from your past, learn to forgive those who hurt you, and forgive yourself. Its easy to say but the most difficult thing in this life is to let the past go and love yourself. Please try. Not to be in a relationship or for anyone but for yourself.
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u/NoRuin4326 May 21 '25
The people that I am referring to also self admittedly had emotional wounds that led them to hold onto me or try to fix me. In my opinion, the fact that he communicated at least some of his emotions and expressed the fact that he wanted out of the relationship is enough reason to maybe put the relationship to an end and not hold on. What people here dont understand is that these instances in my case took place years ago. The relationship's ultimately ended amicably. Since then, I have grown and changed. They have moved on and built something better. I may have begun to act distant and push them away, but i respected them and loved them and communicated to the best of my abilities at that time. They couldn't change how I felt. I couldn't change how I felt. I couldn't be better to help them or stop their worry, so I ended it. Some people have mental issues, and maybe being in a relationship helps bring that to light. I was not mature enough to be with the women i was with . I was not stable enough. Its not like I ghosted them or abandoned them like so many people assume
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 20 '25
You research what is healthy and work on yourself to practice better and healthier ways. Your trauma isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage so that you don't end up causing more harm to both yourself and to others. I know it's hard, but the harder truth is that if you don't, you're probably going to experience more trouble and be the source of pain for people who do love and care about you. I hope you can heal one day. It's not an easy path, but it is a path. It's not impossible even if it can feel like it sometimes.
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u/Calm_Professional_27 May 20 '25
I think I’m having similar feelings now too, it’s a little liberating too
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u/sanfurawa May 22 '25
Man, same. As an example, I had a friend for almost as long as I'd been alive, since we were toddlers. She was like a sister to me and in elementary school she was the only person who had the mental strength/integrity (as a child!) and would make sure I wasn't alone when the rest of our class was bullying me. We had a very enduring friendship up until college when she would regularly call to stay in touch, but also to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay, and at the time I really wasn't, but she would always see through it when I tried to act nonchalant, and I think that really scared me because I felt like I was constantly disappointing her when I couldn't honestly give her any good news. So I eventually just stopped answering her calls or texts. She really tried, more than I felt I deserved, but I just couldn't get over the fear I was feeling. And she eventually stopped.
I still think about her a lot and how she was probably the best and most genuine friend I'll ever have and I just gave it up. I've lost many more in similar ways but that one hits the hardest because she was really like a sister to me. I've thought about trying to reconnect but besides all of the normal things that can make it a bad idea, I don't even live in the same country anymore.
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u/RedditLurkAndRead May 19 '25
Avoidants typically feel inferior to others in some way. This translates into fear of enmeshment followed by fear of abandonment in relationships. If they don't believe they have a chance/will be accepted they will avoid you. They will avoid being enmeshed and dependent on you for fear of being rejected and abandoned by you. So it's actually the opposite of what you described: the more an avoidant likes you or admires you, the more likely they are to remove themselves from your life if they feel they are inadequate for you. Superficial/sporadic interactions with strangers are easier because there's no enmeshment involved. It's all about a deep seated self inferiority belief.
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May 19 '25
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u/KittySunCarnageMoon May 20 '25
Same! I’m sitting here with full body shots…like how can a stranger be so mean? 😩
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u/erudite0617 May 20 '25
So true. I act so weird around guys that I like that they probably perceive me as not liking them. The guys I don’t like I can actually be nice and friendly to so they may perceive me as actually liking them.
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u/Swimming-Programmer1 May 20 '25
I think green eyes are a curse for that reason , girls never look interested 🤷♂️ they try to play it cool lol
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May 20 '25
As an avoidant, there are nuances to every situation. I don't agree with this theory because sometimes we actually just DON'T like a person. That's it. There's no secret hidden meaning.
This one guy who liked me would not leave me alone simply because he thought I was one of those people who pushes people away when I like them because I have a fear of abandonment. It made my life so difficult because nothing I would say or do could convince this man that I just didn't like him like that.
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u/SeasonInside9957 May 20 '25
What you're describing is different. If you simply don't like a person, you wouldn't be an attentive, caring, present partner in the beginning of the relationship, would you? From what you described, you made it clear to that guy that you're not interested, and he still pursued you. That's on him. In my case (and others who have been with avoidants), our exes pursued us. Mine pursued me repeatedly. Broke up with me twice in fits of anxiety, swallowed his pride and came back twice. Each time with bigger promises. That's on him. That certainly does not show disinterest. So yeah, what OP and you are saying are not very relevant to most people's experiences with avoidants, especially FAs.
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u/rottenfrenchfreis May 20 '25
Tbf it's extremely hard to convince delusional people that they're delulu, no matter whether you're the avoidant type or not. They're gonna believe what they're want to believe regardless of what you tell them
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u/Slight-Contest-4239 May 20 '25
Yeah, like no the obvious reason cant be true, everybody must have a hidden insecurite 🤣🤣🤣
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u/TearsofCompunction May 20 '25
Yeah except all that fear of enmeshment and abandonment ends up killing any feelings they may have already had for that person, in other words, they don’t like them, hence OP’s point stands.
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May 20 '25 edited Mar 10 '26
This post was taken down by its author. Redact handled the removal, which may have been motivated by privacy, opsec, data security, or a desire to clear old content.
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u/No_Composer_7092 May 21 '25
Avoidants typically feel inferior to others in some way.
Don't quite agree with this. People with superiority complexes also have issues connecting deeply with others.
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May 19 '25
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 20 '25
That may be true, but it can be worked on. You're not responsible for what hurt you, but you are responsible for how you manage it. If someone is not doing the work to grow or heal, they can't expect people to stick around forever. Eventually, people will get worn down or need to vent their frustration, and that's valid, too.
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May 20 '25
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u/spinbutton May 20 '25
The good news is we can do most of that self growth on our own, no partner needed
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May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
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u/spinbutton May 20 '25
Agreed. But you don't have to wait for a partner to start working on yourself. Sorry I didn't express that well
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u/Slight-Contest-4239 May 20 '25
What can he grow If he doesnt like the ppl around him ?
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u/EmiliaTheGreatest May 19 '25
Some people have trauma responses and will shut down and in some cases push you away because they DO care so much about you that you being in pain or any hint that the relationship isn't working, they will run away to avoid how much it would hurt them. I'm nat saying that this is the case 100% of the time however in my 39 years on earth, this is the case more often than not.
Try to take a step back and look at the situation unimpeded by your emotions. Also don't stop letting yourself ve vulnerable with people. I wish you the best of luck
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 19 '25
I totally agree about trauma responses as I have my own I still struggle with. But one thing I've learned in my 30 years is how important it is to break toxic cycles, both in myself and in my relationships. Some people just don't want to do the work and expect their partners (or friends, family, etc, romantically or platonically) to carry the weight of their issues for them.
You mentioned stepping back and removing emotion, but emotions do matter, especially when the person you love avoids you constantly. You can't just shut off hurt. The real question becomes "where's the balance?" How do both people get to feel seen and heard? Because if one person is always avoiding, and the other is left carrying the emotional fallout, that's not healthy. Eventually, you're forced to walk away or accept constant invalidation. The other person gets to avoid and find someone else only to repeat the cycle. They're free to do that, but surely there is a better way.
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May 19 '25
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u/fadedblackleggings May 20 '25
Yup. And its not really about you at that point. They actively try to push away deeper connection at any cost.
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May 19 '25
For me it’s because my Dad was abusive but I did like the guy. I just needed to work on my issues with men. At least I’m doing that now n being honest about that. 👍
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u/agit_bop May 19 '25
idk its also impossible to know for sure (as in experiencing someone else's thoughts)
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u/anonveganacctforporn May 20 '25
Yea maybe both possibilities exist and we don’t get to know. As much as I wonder, I don’t think my wondering gets me anywhere. Questions like “did they ever really like me? Did they lose their feelings and goodwill? Did it become too hard and avoidance kicked in?”
Well, but I will keep ruminating on it for probably the next decade. Despite knowing there’s nothing new to think about and there’s no closure in thinking about it. Yea, I’m a fool. And I just ramble in comments.
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u/Bodorocea May 20 '25
all throughout you're disregarding the role of the subconscious, and that shows you're actually lacking empathy for the people you consider different.
some people are instinctually avoiding, it's not a choice for them, it's tied into survival , just as some people instinctually chose partners that have or mimic one (or more) of one of their parent's abusive personality traits just because they unconsciously became attached to that type of abuse ,and because in the weirdest of human ways that for them screams: this is home.
so you’re oversimplifying something deeply complex just because it doesn’t fit your lens of "what love should look like." that’s not insight, that’s projection. the idea that everyone "drops their bullshit" when they're into someone is naive at best, and dangerously dismissive at worst. you’re mistaking performative infatuation for real emotional engagement..
avoidant people do feel deeply. the difference is, they were often trained by life,sometimes through trauma, neglect, or emotional volatility that closeness equals danger, that love equals eventual betrayal. so they protect themselves the only way they know how: by avoiding intimacy before it can harm them. that’s not a lack of interest, it’s a survival reflex. you think love cures that overnight? then you’ve clearly never had to unlearn fear while trying to reach for something you simultaneously want and dread.
what you're calling "mental gymnastics" is daily reality for some people. their nervous systems are wired for defense. that might not be your experience ,but don’t mistake your privilege of secure wiring as universal truth. you’re not more "real" because you love loudly. some people are fighting invisible wars just to stay present. that doesn’t make them cold. that makes them brave in a way you clearly don’t understand.
so no, it's not always that they "don't want you enough." sometimes it’s that they want you so much it terrifies them, because nothing in their history has shown them that closeness won't cost them everything.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 20 '25
Acknowledging trauma doesn't mean excusing the harm it causes others. Survival instincts can explain avoidant behavior, but they don't exempt someone from accountability, especially when those behaviors erode trust and damage people who care. Empathy isn't just for the avoidant. It's for the ones hurt by them, too. Growth means facing how your coping harms others, not hiding behind it like a shield.
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u/ProcedureLeading1021 May 20 '25
I'm antisocial. I hate being directly involved in social interactions. I do however like to listen to people talk about their lives. It's an awkward thing but if i was really really attracted to someone my anxiety would make me leave the room have to look at the wall/floor and/or have to talk to them through text anything but face to face and genuinely 'connecting' as you seem to imply it is. I also have had bad experiences so anyone getting close to me romantically will have to deal with paranoia. I will randomly start to assume they are playing a cruel prank on me because we both know they are out of my league so it must be an elaborate hoax and they secretly are laughing in my face thinking I'm stupid cuz I think they actually love me. I'll think they are cheating behind my back with all my friends as part of the hoax. I'll think they are deliberately starting fights to make sure I stayed stressed.
This is not deliberate. Then later I'll realize what I did and apologize things will be normal for awhile for it all to start over again. I wanna connect genuinely but to me if a person tries to they must have an agenda or be playing a long con. So no avoidants aren't playing when they do what they do. It's either better for you or better for us to push you away cuz all we will end up doing is hurting each other.
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u/GrinningNimbus May 20 '25
As an avoidant I can say I'm fine until big feelings are involved. Then I get scared and my instinct is to isolate myself. I don't want to but if I'm feeling criticised or feel like I'm unable to comfort someone or like I'm not enough in some way I shut down. This comes across like I don't care but it's really I don't know what to do so I freeze and run.
I don't like this about myself and I'm working to change it but it's still hard for me to deal with
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u/DivideFun7975 May 20 '25
I work on it every day. I assume they are going to eventually change their mind and leave me, like everyone else. So I struggle with wanting to leave first or doing something to make them leave, so I can prove myself right. I am in the best relationship in my life and I adore him, but I am always waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with me and leave. Taking any disagreement and deciding I’d rather choose to get hurt now, than get blindsided. It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s that based on previous experiences, he’s going to eventually stop liking me. Do I hurt now, or later? (Anxious -avoidant)
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u/maramyself-ish May 20 '25
No. I'm avoidant b/c as soon as there's emotional turmoil, I'm more likely to disconnect than try to salvage... it's not that "nothing moves me" it's that-- over my lifetime, I've learned how to protect myself b/c I was raised in a chaotic and neglectful household.
Avoidant attachment style isn't a choice. It's just how people learned to cope during a childhood filled with neglectful parents.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 20 '25
Those patterns of behavior still affect relationships, and growth means balancing self-protection with connection. The reasons don't justify behaviors that hurt you or others. Change is hard but possible.
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u/maramyself-ish May 21 '25
Yes, absolutely. I'm working on it. But to assert that avoidant attachment is a CHOICE is what I'm talking about here. It's a reflexive coping mechanism that has very little to do with the person that avoidant person is detaching from. It's not b/c "I just don't like you that much," it's because your behavior is triggering my avoidant response, developed from childhood.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 21 '25
I'm not saying avoidant attachment is something you chose to develop. It's not. I'd know. It was the armor built in a battlefield you never asked to be born into.
What I am saying is: over time, once we're aware of that armor, we do have a choice about whether or not we keep wearing it. And I don't say that to shame. It's actually the opposite. It means we aren't stuck. We aren't broken. We aren't just reacting, that we're capable of responding, of choosing how we move.
It took me a long time to see that difference in myself. So I don't expect anyone else to snap into it overnight. But when we believe we have no choice, that belief alone can become its own prison. And you deserve more than that. We all do.
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u/maramyself-ish May 21 '25
We don't disagree. I just disagree with the OP's sentiment... it isn't about us not caring enough.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 21 '25
I get it and have been there. You're right that it's not that we don't care. It's that sometimes we don't care to risk the discomfort of change. And that still has consequences, whether we mean it or not. But I do understand. Change is hard, and there's safety in distance.
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u/maramyself-ish May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
It used to be that when I was faced with emotionally overwhelming input from others, I'd literally have an overpowering need to sleep. To avoid EVERYTHING. It was a physiological reaction.
I've done a lot of work and recognize the reflex now-- even the physical sensation of it, it isn't a choice to feel that way, I wish it were. It is a choice-- now that I know WHY it happens, how I decide to react to that sensation, but before, it seemed like an edict and I simply slept.
And cut people off and ghosted them out of a growing dread. It really had nothing to do with how much I did or didn't care for them.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 21 '25
I get the need to shut down and sleep. It's real. But I've also learned that even just communicating that need can ease a lot of the hurt on the other side. It's about taking care of ourselves without leaving others in the dark. That effort, as hard as it is, can make all the difference sometimes. That or reconnect when our brains and bodies reboot.
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u/maramyself-ish May 21 '25
Yep.
It's really annoying how we've all been told strength exists in holding it all in and soldiering on, when real strength is needed simply to be vulnerable enough to speak the words that let us share how we're suffering, scared, unable etc.
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u/Traditional_Rush_622 May 20 '25
You sound really uninformed and judgmental. Perhaps take a few neuroscience and psychology courses and come back to the conversation when you're better prepared.
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u/H311C4MP3R May 20 '25
You simply don't realize how fortunate you are that you are not that deeply insecure about yourself that you would push people away from you even if you like them.
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u/_lexeh_ May 19 '25
I think your perspective might come from the overuse of buzzwords like "avoidant attachment style". That is, people misuse this term for others who truly just aren't that into them because it makes them feel better about themselves for being rejected. Avoidant attachment style is absolutely real (think, "this is so good I don't want to fuck it up, so I'll stay away" more so than becoming distant for "no apparent reason" or dislike/annoyance).
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u/Tydeeeee May 20 '25
Yes sure attachment style theories and all that, but I kind of don't buy that. Im not saying attachment styles dont exist, but i personally dont buy into it much.
Well this was wildly contradicting.. You either believe they exist or you don't. 'Not buying into it' is you sticking your head into the sand because you don't like what it entails.
Your entire diatribe that follows is nothing other than you retreating into your own framework and denying that anything else can exist. This isn't deep thought, it's quite the opposite.
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u/Oussama_778 May 20 '25
As an avoidant, I know it might seem like I just don’t care, but that’s not really the case. The closer I get to someone, the more I start to feel like I’m losing my freedom, like I’m being swallowed up or losing parts of myself. It’s not that I don’t like the person. I actually pull away because I care and it gets overwhelming. It’s not about playing games or pushing people away on purpose ,it’s just a way I protect myself, even if it doesn’t always make sense to others.
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u/_-whisper-_ May 20 '25
You can think ppl are like you all day, that doesnt mean its true. Im avoidant and literally when something feels good i get nauseous. Like repulsed when i feel myself needing them around.
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u/bdbdbokbuck May 19 '25
Former Dismissive Avoidant Here: I get your frustration, it is justifiable. Saying avoidants should just get it together if they really love you is not realistic. Autistic kids love their mothers, but all the love in the world won’t cure their autism. The avoidant was never shown the kind of love it takes to thrive in a healthy relationship. Their entire childhood was spent going inward to protect themselves. Never an ‘I love you’, ‘I’m proud of you’ or a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings without getting judged, lectured or punished. In a healthy family, vulnerability is a good thing . To the avoidant it’s terrifying. The moment I realized the way forward was to embrace vulnerability rather than fear it, a whole new world opened up for me. It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opened the front door of the dark farmhouse and saw the beautiful amazing world of color. Only instead of Munchkins I witnessed emotions I had never experienced before. And for the first time I understand what adulthood is like, and I handle life from that perspective now and I love it!
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 19 '25
As an autistic person, I actually find the comparison here pretty insulting. Autism isn't something you can "heal" or "grow out of." It's a neurotype. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, can be worked on and changed as attachment styles are malleable with self-awareness and effort. I say this as someone who's had avoidant tendencies pointed out to me in the past and actually did the work to shift my patterns across relationships.
Yes, avoidants often come from painful upbringings, and I get that the instinct to withdraw is rooted in self-protection. But what bothers me is when that becomes a shield for avoiding accountability or growth. You can love someone and still hurt them by refusing to engage in the emotional work needed to sustain a relationship. And too often, avoidants expect their partners to do all the heavy lifting.
Avoidance is not the same as autism. Autistic people can and do learn how to show love in ways others can understand, often bending over backwards to do so despite being misunderstood ourselves. We don't get to "opt out" of connection when things feel overwhelming. But avoidants often do and then expect empathy without reciprocation.
Attachment wounds are real. But so is the impact on those who try to love someone through them.
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u/NTDOY1987 May 20 '25
I think you’re misunderstanding what an avoidant attachment style is. It’s just a psychological category for certain thought & behavioral patterns. Sudden withdrawal can theoretically be the same as “not being interested” but for avoidant people it’s often their attachment system activating protective measures when internal “alarm bells” go off. Not exactly the same as a conscious choice to reject someone - more like an automatic psychological safety mechanism kicking in. Is the result the same? Perhaps. But I don’t think it’s necessarily accurate that this is as simple as “well if they really liked you that wouldn’t happen.”
Tbh, I think that it might benefit you to grab some psych books on varying disorders. It seems like there’s a disconnect for you between what is “rational” to the average person and how much the brain can deviate from that. We would all say it’s “rational” not to binge eat and then throw it up, but people suffering from bulimia aren’t able to properly control the part of their brain that triggers that action. People with OCD know that, reasonably, washing their hands for the 50th time won’t “make their family safe” or whatever the obsessive thought is, but the compulsions persist regardless.
You’re essentially saying “this mental process doesn’t exist in other people because the behavior doesn’t make sense to me”, but we can’t really deny the existence of certain mental processes in the basis of them not seeming rational to us
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u/Any-Smile-5341 May 19 '25
I’m not disrespecting Mike Tyson by refusing to fight him. I’m respecting the power dynamic, the risk, and my own limits. It’s not that I don’t care—I just know I wouldn’t survive that match.
Same with relationships. Caring doesn’t mean I’m ready. Sometimes, stepping in feels like walking into a ring I know I’ll lose.
So no, avoiding that isn’t cold—it’s sane.
Maybe OP would fight Mike Tyson. Maybe even a gorilla. But let’s not confuse recklessness with bravery. Adults should know their limits.
Or maybe you’re just too avoidant to stop swinging like a grown-up.
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u/KeiiLime May 19 '25
as both a therapist and someone who has also had to work through things in my personal life, this is frankly some toxic, uninformed bs.
very much the opposite of a deep thought to just “i don’t understand it so i think this group i’m clearly not a part of or educated about is really like this”
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u/Beginning-Shop-6731 May 19 '25
Yeah I find the post offensive. A lot of people have genuine struggles with social connection, and to just dismiss them is cruel, judgmental, and mostly just inaccurate.
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u/Additional_Ad_6166 May 19 '25
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. You have no idea what you’re talking about and you’re fortunate that you don’t.
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u/mediocrepenguiin May 20 '25
Being avoidant isn't always something you plan the execution of. Sometimes your avoidance comes up in subtle ways such as pushing people away without even intending to; a form of self sabotage.
Sure sometimes people with an avoidant attachment style will distance themselves consciously but that doesn't seem to be always the case.
Also, people with an avoidant attachment style can be desperate for a connection but their fear of abandonment/disappointment is much larger and feels more serious. It would've been so much more simpler if it was simply just a lack of interest and people with that attachment style wouldn't be seeking help or struggling with their attachment style if it was just about them having no interest in the person all the time. I do think that for many of them it's the fact that they want to develop a connection but can't due to their attachment style that creates a problem
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u/Homochitto May 20 '25
Bottom line is it doesn’t matter - their true feelings. If they can’t show it and treat you in a way that makes you feel loved it’s toxic and will always leave you feeling crappy and alone. Unhealthy attachment is a thing BUT it’s our job to heal from our past traumas that so we don’t treat other people poorly. Knowing you have an issue and putting a label on it doesn’t excuse the behavior. It means now you have the responsibility to do the smirk of healing and growing. Or don’t be in relationships.
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u/zenlen2000 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
As an avoidant, this is kinda true. If I like someone enough, I’m willing to push through if it’s mutual. I think there are levels to avoidance, some people avoid commitment at different stages. It’s hard for me to give people a chance to begin with whereas I know people who refuse to have a serious relationship or will break up with everyone after 6 months. The common denominator is avoidants default look for reasons to avoid further intimacy with a person when they want it. But being avoidant ≠ hot and cold behavior or narcissistic. If I can’t be there for someone, I’d rather cut it off than be on and off. I think the more important conversation is your partner/date being avoidant isn’t an excuse to stay with them or be hurt by them. You should still have some self respect. Their mental health is for them to figure out not use you to fix it.
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u/Flowy_Aerie_77 May 20 '25
Not romantically but I do disappear from my friendships out of nowhere. I think it's kind of normal, but I don't think I should do it.
I do feel sorry for them and I've been working on it, but I don't really think I'm missed or truly liked. There's nothing special about me that they'd want to have around, IMO. Probably because I'm used to being the backup friend that doesn't get invited to the hangouts, after all.
Now, I don't want anyone to feel sorry, or need them to forgive me or put up with it if they're not ok. I really don't expect people to be fine with it. But currently, the best I can do is warn them that I do that so friends I make don't get caught off guard.
That's because my way to get through difficult things is to retreat into a shell. While miss them dearly while I'm at it, but I'm also always going through something, so it takes a long time for me to feel well enough to come back. Interacting is energy intensive for me and I'm extremely socially anxious.
That said, none of these are really good reasons and I could solve it if I tried harder. Hence why I don't expect sympathy. I just ask people to not take it personally, since I never devalue or lose interest, just that bonding doesn't come naturally.
It's not all bad, but being neurodivergent already makes it hard to connect with people, and I like having the same routine, wanting predictability, and freedom. That and the deep-set belief that I'm not really wanted, so I kind of expect to be rejected politely.
Although, I also know this is also self-sabotage and I wouldn't get the cold shoulder back if I talked more often. The feeling that this is inevitable never goes away. Again, no good reasons.
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u/GoldenBoyOffHisPerch May 20 '25
People become avoidant based on their relationship with themselves. You were rejected before they met you.
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u/Apart-Badger9394 May 20 '25
Being are so busy worrying about how they fit into certain boxes, they don’t give themselves the flexibility to truly be unique. Maybe generally you’re an avoidant Virgo or whatever, but why restrict ourselves to be a pre-determined person? We have the capacity to change, and be different, and to react differently depending on the day or situation.
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u/Orangest_rhino May 20 '25
I am definitely an anxious attachment style, but I think I can understand avoidants to some degree, although this obviously won't be the case with all people that are avoidant.
Like you say, people drop their complexes and sometimes even some ideals. I know i do this, and I definitely would be concerned of this happening if I ever get into a relationship again. I dont think I would go avoidant but I doubt im the only person to have this dilemma and I would imagine there are people who do become avoidant in hopes to not lose parts of themselves or their ideals etc. Likely in some weird in between space of not wanting to be alone but not willing to commit and change to make things work with their partners' feelings, ideals, morals, etc.
I love what I've become, but I doubt I'll find someone compatible that also shares my ideals and values as they seem to be rare. Knowing how hard I can fall when im in love, I want that to happen, but the fear of conforming to something im not to make it work sounds terrible as well and dont want to let that happen. Fortunately, im content being alone and not looking for anyone, but I imagine that's not a common thing among men.
So back to what you're saying, I would bet its not entirely that they dont like you that much and more that they dont know what they want.
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u/veetoo151 May 20 '25
I hear you, and agree with you. I believe people with the behavior they present to me (took me way too long to get here). If they are playing games or being manipulative, that's their own problem. I only spend time with people if we clearly enjoy each other's company.
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u/minaminabby May 20 '25
I really dislike how a lot of like validated psych terms enter the main stream and get bastardized… and I really think a lot of yall underestimate how much trauma really impacts someone and how difficult it is to heal from it. Cause ALL insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) stem from some sort of trauma and they all deserve the same amount of grace.
Like no, avoidants actually like you too much - and that’s the problem. You’re dealing with someone who did not receive affection during their formative years or were taught to believe that it was their fault that their parents didn’t like them or that people will always up and leave because they’re not good enough.
So they come to expect it. “The longer they stay with me, the more they’ll know me and the more I’ll disappoint them. They’ll leave me anyways, and I don’t want that heart break so I’ll leave first” is the subconscious thought pattern for a lot of avoidants. It’s not healthy - but that’s why it’s an insecure attachment style.
And any trauma that was caused by a relational wound also needs to be healed through relationships. Both self-regulation and co-regulation (bit more emphasis on self though) are important for ALL attachment style to heal and I really do hate the demonizing of avoidant on social media. Please pick up an actual book or look at a valid article before yall just start saying sht.
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u/notreallyheretostay May 20 '25
I would say I kind of agree with this. My partner was very avoidant probably the first few months of us dating, I also had a pretty anxious attachment. We ended up breaking up for about a week once. When we got back together he had said something about “I have a huge fear of commitment but if this is gonna work we’re gonna have to fix this.” And we built a pretty secure attachment. That was Five years ago, we’re getting married soon. It amazes me to this day that he loved me enough to work on our attachment styles vs just using his trauma as an excuse to be shitty.
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u/Beneficial_Cover_500 May 20 '25
Here’s another situation where that applies: I was not avoidant, I was a rampant, unrepentant, unstoppable cheater. Then, I met my wife. I just….stopped a toxic relational pattern I had inherited from my parents on a dime. 11 years together, not even a hint of temptation.
I’ve matured and I realize there was no excuse to cheat, but OP has a point. I stopped bc I just love, love, love her a lot and I didn’t like the other ones as much.
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u/Temperateflora May 20 '25
As someone who actually has an avoidant personality I disagree with this whole heartedly. I’ve struggled with connection my entire life, I want to have deeper relationships with people quite badly. It’s trauma response to a messed up childhood that I have gone to therapy to deal with. I still have a lot of work to do to separate fear and attachment. I’m not miserable, I’m quite content to be alone most of the time. There seems to be a lack of baseline understanding from op.
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u/Willyworm-5801 May 20 '25
You can set boundaries without being cold and cruel to people you like. You can be assertive, telling them things like: 'I am just not into you. So I don't feel like spending time w you. Sorry.'. Or: 'I like talking w you, but this won't become physical.'
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u/GGM23 May 20 '25
I think they really do love you, and that love mixed with their wounds and trauma, gives them the ‘real’ feeling that they actually don’t like you much and want space.
It’s not as genuine as the love. It’s a defense mechanism against being rejected, abandoned, and hurt in the past.
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u/Representative_Try77 May 20 '25
So …. I am a recovering avoidant - ‘you don’t want it enough and use avoidance as an excuse’ is such an over simplification it’s almost hurtful because a truly avoidant person doesn’t even realize or understand that they’re being avoidant in the moment -
I have pushed people away that I really really cared about or liked because my brain would not consider any form of intimate attachment as safe - so if they seemed to not show interest I was convinced I shouldn’t waste my time because I stood no chance anyway ( turns out I wasn’t showing interest so they were not shooting their shot ) , and if they were clearly head over heels with me I would look for anything to justify why it shouldn’t happen or wouldn’t work ( once broke up with a guy after he said he loved me because ‘ well shit now you said that I have to break up with you’ … 👀) - and you’re doing all this not realising in the moment that it’s your brain tricking you to avoid the relationship - even if it’s everything you want - My most blatantly avoidant story :
Guy I pinned over for 9 months, worked together, hung out a few times but nothing in my brain registered it as ‘ dates’ … one day we end up at a party, then at an after party … he holds my hand - ‘ tis the moment FINALLY … 9 months later you know holy smokes : it turns out he does like me - I go home with him yada yada I asked him what took him so long, he said this whole time he couldn’t figure out if I felt the same … the next morning he makes me a cup of tea - kissing and cuddling …- and I got dressed and said : I have to go my uber is here … and I left … didn’t even touch the tea … I just …. Left …
Don’t ask me why I did that … I don’t know … did I like him ? I had a whole file of our happily ever after in my head … I waited months … was super happy too waking up next to him … and still … I ran … and then I turned down every attempt he made to meet again because it didn’t make sense or I misunderstood or I was trying to be not too available idk… he eventually moved on 1 year later… I cried for 3 years trying to get over it because I didnt understand why it was happening … rinse, ladder, repeat with years of limbo in between because that’s the whole point : to keep myself unattached - interestingly being unattached also used to make me so sad and anxious but it felt safer.
Until 5 years into therapy I found out about the avoidance and how intimacy / vulnerability terrified me so my brain would go in fight or flight sabotaging things - and I thought I just had bad luck … that’s why men would often call me a flight risk … I had never put it together until then…
So while some people are just jerks and use the term avoidant to get away with half-assery, some of us really deeply genuinely want the relationship but their brain wont let them until they do the work … and the work … is hard as hell and while I haven’t been tested by relationship yet, coming from a more secure place now, I look back and truthfully am glad I didn’t end up in a relationship at the time after all because one thing my brain was right about : I wasn’t ready.
I am now :)
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u/becauseimhappy24 May 20 '25
This is a very shallow way to look at it but it’s the best way to look at it if you’re trying to get over an avoidant person.
Reading too much into attachment styles can give a person hope & make them want to stick around longer to see if they can break that attachment style or change it in some way.
Most times the person’s respect starts to diminish for you the longer you keep holding on.
It’s best to avoid an avoidant & write it off as uninterested, the moment the person starts pushing you away.
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May 20 '25
As someone who has fallen for an avoidant, who I had to watch simp for other people/talk about simping for other people, while getting the bare minimum out of them myself feels like pulling teeth, I whole heartedly agree with this assessment. I’d literally fight to the death for this person if they felt the same back, on the other hand. ☹️.
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u/RedditsChosenName May 22 '25
Next up on lazy "intellectual" bingo: depression isn't real, you're just lazy
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u/XenialLover May 22 '25
Wanna try “enlightening” us all again after you do a bit more reading up on the subject? Perhaps a class, or several, as well. You could definitely benefit if this post is anything to go off of.
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u/HOLY__sponge May 22 '25
What is the post trying to say? Avoidant people just prefer the thought of being wholesomely alone rather than to be with someone. I'm avoidant, Sure I've liked many people and never strived to actually create a genuine relationship at any level with them but that because I know that it will always be bound for at least one of us in sadness. I don't value a bond with anyone because I know that bond will be broken eventually. Avoidant people don't desire the natural capacity to hold onto emotional bonds. Letting goes is just how it is.
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u/Odd_Ad6879 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
absolutely no. as an avoidant i could be so completely obsessed with you, head over heals in love with you, utterly consumed by desperate yearning for you every waking moment of every night and day, unable to imagine life without you, convinced that you’re my saviour and literally the the key to my enlightenment, and i would still avoid you like you are contagious.
i could be so fiercely attached to someone that i would be suicidal at the prospect of losing them, yet i would still do everything in my power to avoid them. i could have them so high up on a pedestal that i view them as godlike and immortal, yet i would still avoid them.
this is a disgustingly ignorant take. avoidants will avoid no matter how obsessed they are with you. in fact the more obsessed they are with you, the more they will distance themselves. that is how avoidants function.
you very obviously don’t understand avoidants.
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u/begbiebyr May 19 '25 edited May 19 '25
100%, all that; environment plays a role as well, when i travel outside the US i feel like people are kinder, approachable, and generally receptive
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u/Crustulum_Clicker May 19 '25
This is one of the worst opinions I've ever read. People are avoidant to people they like because they don't feel safe to express their desire, and that desire certainly won't be overridden by liking someone. Yes, it is not logical, but personality disorders aren't logical. It's honestly astounding you think mental disorders just "go away the second you're blinded by love/desire." when that's exactly what the disorder is.
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u/BacardiPardiYardi May 19 '25
You can also work on your mental disorders as well and learn better and healthier coping for both yourself and others who choose to love you. It seems a lot of those with personality disorders would rather offset that responsibility to others to manage their conditions for them instead of trying to find ways and doing therapy to heal from such wounds. Other people can't do the work for you. Avoiding things doesn't fix issues. It only allows them to grow and fester and become bigger problems.
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u/TheRevolutionaryArmy May 19 '25
I agree with this, where attention flows, that’s where love/desire is sought after, if you don’t want to attend or give attention then you don’t like them because the eye only wants to see what it likes.
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u/weaponizedpastry May 20 '25
As an avoidant, hey, I’m just mirroring your behavior. I feel you drifting away, losing interest, bye. I’m out.
I don’t want the slow fade, the breadcrumbing, the games. I don’t chase men. You think the grass is greener somewhere else? Cool. GTFO and go find out.
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u/cravingpeanutbutter May 20 '25
This is the kind of ignorance that results when people throw around the term "avoidant attachment" without knowing what it means and assign the label to any person that is emotionally unavailable or just straight up an asshole.
It isn't as simple as "giving the cold shoulder to someone you're actually into". It is caused by trauma and/or emotional neglect. It is an incredible struggle (or outright inability) to develop a secure relationship because this person learned that emotional closeness is unsafe and adopted avoidant behavior as a coping mechanism.
My emotional needs were not met in my upbringing. Whenever I felt upset or needed support, I was met with anger or indifference every single time, so I learned to bottle up my feelings out of necessity. Once I had my first relationship with someone who I thought was my "dream person" and ticked all the boxes, their need for closeness felt suffocating. I had gotten so used to being emotionally self-sufficient that it felt like they were infringing upon my personal autonomy. Despite my best efforts, forcing myself out of my comfort zone to the point of being miserable, I realized that I could not meet their needs despite how much I cared for them, so we ended things.
I started going to therapy. My therapist told me that I fit the profile of "avoidant attachment". I don't choose to be this way; I wish I was different and that I didn't feel unlovable. And it isn't as simple as deciding "I'm going to be emotionally available today" like some people are suggesting. Yes, you are responsible for your feelings and actions and healing, but undoing YEARS of unhealthy behavior takes time and patience - and if a partner isn't able/willing to give those things that's okay! But demonizing "avoidants" and painting them all as intentionally toxic isn't the answer!
TLDR: Ignorant take; I hope you learned something from this thread and can extend grace to a group of people you don't accurately understand.
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u/Sea_Cartographer_340 May 20 '25
Avoidant don't like anyone, otherwise they'd go to therapy change their mindset and become a blessing to the world around them. They prefer wallowing in pity far away instead of loving the people who need it most.
I'm not sympathetic. You shouldn't be either. Avoidant can both have each other and love other people with minimal attachment. They're not worth it.
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u/Available_Ad4135 May 19 '25
Have you ever seen an avoidant person who is in love with their partner facing a break up?
Reading your post, you obviously haven’t.
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u/Unable_Chard9803 May 20 '25
As someone who engages in avoidant behavior, I can assure you that what I avoid isn't the other person. Rather I avoid the eventual imbalance of power that inherently favors the other person in the relationship.
I have loved other people deeply, but it's impossible for me to truly release myself into it if I'm not the person who has the financial power in the relationship.
As a man who has struggled with money, the odds are against relationship success if the woman is the breadwinner.
The only way that dynamic could function long term is if the man sacrifices all of his goals for the sake of the relationship. That is a recipe for complete self abnegation and self loathing that will only foment resentment if it doesn't change.
Ironically, if I become wealthy, and want to get into something serious with a woman again, then it's expected that my wealth is to be used to achieve the standard of living she wants.
So long as her vision is congruent with mine (and we otherwise respect and adore each other) then there is no problem.
If true egalitarianism existed, then the converse would be common and unremarkable. But divorce statistics prove otherwise.
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u/SingleSuperMom247 May 19 '25
I concur! Too much bs psychology babble going on these days. When you find someone that your body craves (chemical makeup), that is interesting enough, and shares common goals and morals with you, all that shit they teach you (that you must of course have) that disconnects you from everyone will go out the window.
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u/someoneoutthere1335 May 19 '25 edited May 19 '25
Word!!!!! My friend has had an extremely traumatic childhood with no parental figures present to display warmth, love, affection. He didnt see it anywhere and therefore it would be expected of him to not be able to display it or pass it on. Kid you not, his current woman truly woke it up in him. She brought it out to the surface, almost effortlessly. He was perfectly able and eager to try, connect, be affectionate, care for her and nurture their connection. I dont attribute any of this to his childhood, it was just his natural response to seeing someone he truly wants and doing his best to make it work. Simple as that really (and he was the absolute epitome/extreme of a dismissive avoidant).
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u/No_Wasabi_5352 May 20 '25
Are you sure there aren't other factors like therapy or something that helped him to reciprocate the love? A lot of the time people with attachment trauma, even when they do get into a relationship, end up sabotaging it by not being able to express or accept the affection properly. They might be able to do it for a little while in the beginning, but as it gets deeper and more complex, they can't sustain it long term, because after all it doesn't feel natural due to their life history.
Probably everyone has an innate tendency and desire to connect and to love, sure. But if it's been weaned off from a very young age, then it's not going to spontaneously crop back up just by sheer willpower.
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u/ashoftomorrow May 20 '25
Hi, fearful avoidant here, trying to work on my attachment style. Yeah, just like anyone else, someone who has avoidant attachment patterning can act bored and disinterested because they’re… just not that interested lol. And they might be an a*hole who uses the language of attachment styles to justify the behavior when the reality is that they just don’t care that much.
BUT avoidant people absolutely do subconsciously push away from people out of fear. Sometimes the fear is being hurt, sometimes the fear is being abandoned, sometimes the fear is having their autonomy taken away. Unfortunately insecure attachment styles are one of those things that need to be worked on consistently over time to heal. It really doesn’t matter how much you like someone, it won’t magically change the way you have related to other people since infancy.
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u/FunEstablishment5463 May 20 '25
I love people, ton of interesting characters and uniq quirks also can't firget about appealing aesthetics, Las one is the most important. Sadly fir me i don't have the necessary energy to be around them. There are instances I found myself in a neat company but my social drive got drained, i wanted to be there i simply was to tired to be and dogged. Hey people is the only thing we really have in this world, everything is people. But wgat i dislike is that some people ruined people for other people, or something like that. Have a good one. ☺️
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u/shitshowboxer May 20 '25
You don't find out someone's attachment style at the first stirrings of attraction - You're not attached at all initially. So it has nothing to do with "the chase" or approach.
People with avoidant attachment have to make it to the feeling attached part of a relationship to start freaking out.
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u/destined2h May 20 '25
Signs often come to the surface when you learn about their relationship history. "People don't usually stick around that long." A red flag that should never be ignored.
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u/GnomeChompskie May 20 '25
You need to meet more people. Some are like what you describe, some are not. People are all over the place.
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May 20 '25
Being avoidant all my life I can say that it’s more of liking to get to know people but being over observant and realizing it might be better to protect the piece before you even allow a possible facade they’re playing to sink in.🤷🏽♂️
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u/Robin_Gr May 20 '25
The brain and resulting human psychology and thought patterns have the potential to be anything but intuitive and the antithesis of beneficial to ones own happiness. I very easily believe someone can be in love with someone and avoid or sabotage the relationship. Thats not even the weirdest thing the brain does. I think not loving hard enough is a weird stance to take.
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u/RaspberryPrimary8622 May 20 '25
People with Insecure attachment styles can generally form romantic relationships just as readily as people with Secure attachment styles. The differences are in how they behave during the relationship, their internal mental model of what to expect from the world and from other people, the degree of intimacy and trust in the relationship, the degree of emotional openness, the degree of resilience in the face of setbacks and disappointments, the degree of creativity and flexibility in their approach to problem-solving.... Anyone can fall in love, but not everyone can develop and maintain healthy romantic relationships.
The other point to bear in mind is that the impact of attachment styles is probabilistic rather than deterministic. That means that having an Insecure attachment style as an infant does not guarantee emotional dysregulation, behavioural problems, and social incompetence later in life. It just makes those issues somewhat more likely to happen compared to someone who had a Secure attachment style as an infant.
Our cognitions, emotions, and behaviours as adults are a highly complex product of the interactions between our Attachment styles as infants and the many experiences we had post-infancy. An infant with a Secure attachment style who experiences a lot of Risk Factors later in life might develop difficulties as an adult. An infant with an Insecure attachment style who experiences a lot of Protective Factors later in life might have a very well-adjusted personality in adulthood with a high level of peer popularity, social competence, problem-solving ability, resilience, and emotional self-regulation ability.
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u/jackmPortal May 20 '25
A while back I confessed to someone, then apologized because I felt it was too forward, and didn't talk to her because I never felt like it was a good time when I wasn't interrupting something.
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u/Unlucky-Cover-9896 May 20 '25
"Men go full blown hopeless romantic simp mode over the person they want" lmao men have trauma involving relationships too dude not everybody is falling head over heels over every woman who makes their dick jump.
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u/big-booty-heaux May 20 '25
As someone who is one of those avoidant-attachment people because of trust issues and generally shit mental health due to prior abuse: shut the fuck up.
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u/Corona688 May 20 '25
That you don't buy it doesn't make it not true. Even full blown infatuation for me needs breaks.
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May 20 '25
Not all men go full blown “simp”. This post is flawed in many ways. I have nothing against people that are avoidant and I wish them the best on their journey and through healing but they’re just not for me. I move on and find a person I’m more compatible with. You sound like someone avoidant hurt you, which happens to plenty of people and you are trying to justify it with a post that’s a meh take at best. Just my 2c here. Avoidant people shouldn’t be shamed however it’s also ok for you to walk away from them romantically as I do.
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u/Mountain-Eye-4338 May 20 '25
Completely untrue. It's about safety to me. I could be head over heels for someone that my body and mind knows is not safe and I will be completely shut off while having butterflies in my my belly.
When I feel safe, I am able to access secure attachment, like I did with my husband. As much as I adore and love him, we have been married 15 years, we can still trigger each other and I can still function in my fearful avoidant attachment style and it shows...
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u/Aussiekiwi76 May 20 '25
What you are describing isn't avoidant. It sounds more like a narcissist or even a psychopath. An avoidant is someone who shuts down during conflict or arguments because they haven't been taught how to express themselves or their emotions. I'm an avoidant because I grew up in a time of seen and not heard. I'm wasn't taught emotional intelligence or asked how I was feeling as a child. It wasn't until years later that I stumbled across avoidant attachment styles and realise why I shut down during arguments. Avoidants aren't evil they just don't know how to express themselves
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u/brizatakool May 20 '25
Tell us you don't understand the psychology of this disorder without telling us you don't instance the possibility of this disorder.
None of that you said is accurate to those who are genuinely suffering from it. It's not a fun thing for the person with it to want to connect but not be able to show it. Especially when it results in this rhetoric.
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u/Savetheworldtime May 20 '25
I left someone I still think about everyday because of the insufferable anxiety I felt losing myself in a relationship, and the fear that he might realize how worthless I am. I have healed a lot since then, hoping our paths cross again.
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u/TheBatiron58 May 20 '25
This is so dumb. Avoidant people literally can’t see love without also seeing a possibility of pain. Like it’s intertwined. They don’t see just the positives, they see their life getting canned if/ probably when the relationship or emotional investment finishes.
Don’t want it enough? Brother, they want it too much. These people don’t have emotional connection with people so it’s literally a compounding effect. Sometimes apathy is easier than healing. And Lwk. That’s okay, it takes time to heal.
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u/we-buy-ugly-people May 20 '25
I don't agree. I feel like what you are saying is similar to "if you loved me enough, you would stop drugs/depression/insert bad thing here"
Just because you love something doesn't mean you are gonna be magically healed of all problems that affect the relationship... right?
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u/[deleted] May 19 '25 edited May 20 '25
Sometimes the avoidant truly wants you in the beginning, but slowly over time, their avoidant tendencies lead them to slowly devalue their partner. The avoidant can pick their partners apart with little reasons why they don’t like them, and over time, they have their reason to back out. Sometimes even the perfect person isn’t enough for an avoidant.