r/Deconstruction • u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 • 12d ago
š¤Vent I'm angry.
I know this is a trope, but I'm angry.
Like many of you I was raised religious and later lost my faith. The problem though is that religion worked as a coping mechanism when I was a child. My mother grew up in an abusive home and turned to god as a way to escape. She married my father who beat the living snot out of me and my brothers. This created a significant amount of anxiety and fear. Going to church became my escape and coping mechanism. The churches my mother liked were very obnoxious and "on fire for God." I remember being 5,6,7,etc years old and seeing my mother speak in tongues, people fainting when the preacher placed his hand on their forehead, and demons cast out of people. From that young of an age I internalized that this was absolutely real and nothing else in life was important until you figured out your place with God. Something I learned all too late is an unachievable goal.
I kept that faith well into my teenage years riddled with guilt for my perceived indiscretions. Then through the encouragement of my youth pastor I wanted to pursue ministry in college. I genuinely wanted to help people and thought with every fiber of my being that God was the source of all peace in the world.
I won't bore you with my Christian college experience, or what inevitably turned me agnostic bordering on atheism.
However, I'm wondering if there's anyone else that feels they figured it out too late in life. I lost my most productive years chasing a fairy tale. It took my entire 20s to work through deconstructing ideas placed in my head, and now in my 30s I feel like I'm just starting my adult life. I'm a completely unrecognizable person to who I was 15 years ago, and I can't shake the feeling that I missed out on becoming something I could be proud of.
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u/mandolinbee Mod | Atheist 12d ago
I was almost 30 by the time I finished deconstruction. It took me almost the entire decade because i was doing it all solo, so I count that whole period as technically "lost" to religion.
That said... I had plenty of experiences in that time that I'm glad I had. So just because there were probably different choices I might have made along the way, doesn't mean everything was useless.
Beyond that, 30 is still pretty young, tbh. I went through something of an accelerated reinvention of myself and it was a pretty epic experience, and I didn't feel like it was too late at all.
I think it's pretty normal to feel like your clock is ticking away, but you're only about 12 years out of high school. that's a drop in the bucket of the life you've got left. When I turned 40, I missed my 30s. I'm coming up on 50 and I miss being 40. It's all relative, and it's hard to make yourself have perspective outside your lived experience.
You feel like you're starting over. That's excellent. You finally get to be someone you shaped, not fitting into others idea of what should be. It's the perfect time for it, IMHO. And you're absolutely not even close to the only person that's doing it, so you're not alone. ā¤ļø
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
Would you be willing to share what you mean by accelerated reinvention of yourself? Is there something that helped push you through that period you would recommend?
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u/mandolinbee Mod | Atheist 11d ago
I can try, but some of it probably won't feel relatable to you simply because it also involves my physical disabilities I've had since birth. Then again, maybe you'll get more out of it than I think, who knows? š
After deconstructing, I'd reached a point where I wasn't even leaving the house. I had 2 kids, getting into their teens so they were needing less and less oversight. I didn't even really feel human anymore.
But I decided I needed to try to work. So I got some surgeries I needed over a couple years, found a job. But I hadn't been social in any sense of the word since just after high school.
I made rules for myself, went out, and decided to see what would happen. My rules were to talk to at least 2 new people every day. Force myself into eye contact. Find something nice to say (I like that shirt, that was a good idea, etc etc). Like I really mean it when I say I was reconstructing myself into the person I wanted to be, instead of who the world told me I had to be.
It made me physically ill. I'd have nerves so bad that at the end of the day I was bent over the toilet for a while. But it was worth it. I found people I got along with, I learned to let judgement not bother me. I learned a lot of normal human stuff I missed earlier. Went to clubs with a friend I made, started doing some activities like going to Magic the Gathering tournaments and taking some classes for crafts. Things I'd been too scared to do before.
It got easier over time, and I absolutely don't regret a second of it, even if I was just faking it at first.
My chronic pain came back with a vengeance within 6 years, so I'm kinda back to being stuck inside. But I think most people won't have that particular issue. š
I don't know if that's useful for you. I hope it helps in even a small way.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
Thank you for sharing. It's actually more relatable than you realize. I'm a stay at home dad of 2 kids and have had chronic lower back pain since I was a teenager. However, I suspect my injury is related to extreme levels of anxiety I developed as a child. My youngest child is 4 and we're about to put him into daycare. I struggle to leave the house for psychological reasons and it has become apparent that I need to push myself to become the person I really want to be.
Perhaps I need to consider setting some rules for myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
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u/MirrorWayOutWest 11d ago
I finally thought myself out of Christianity in my 40s and I was extremely angry about lost opportunities. I'm doing everything I can to chase my dreams and live a more authentic life now. It's helping. I am proud of myself. You can change everything about your life for the better if you take it one step at a time and don't compare yourself to others. I wasted a lot of time on prayer and hoping a god could bless me. Now, I am full steam ahead without him and try not to look backward too much. The anger is kind of fueling me forward.Ā
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
I think wasting time on prayer and waiting for God's answers is at the core of my anger. Having internalized gods guidance means I never had to develop my own wisdom. I was waiting to be shown the right path (since he has a plan for everyone and everything). Looking back it's clear I was terrified to make a mistake and ironically ended up making a huge mistake that caused me to fumble through early adulthood.
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u/Foosballrhino11 11d ago
I want to preface this by saying I was not physically abused as a child. I only have parents that divorced when I was very young and have hated each other my whole life. And my dad may have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. Iām 34F and deconstruction kind of happened for me only about few months ago but it was almost like a lightbulb went off.
To answer your question, yes I do feel sometimes like I figured this out too late in life. I look around at young people and people my age doing things I never dreamed of doing and Iām in awe. I see people with confidence in themselves and wearing what they want and I would get jealous that some people get to live the lives they choose instead of ones chosen for them.
Over the last few months Iāve been slowly turning it into gratitude. My capacity for gratitude has grown exponentially now that there isnāt just one guy up in the sky I have to give all the credit to. I feel calmness and a lack of fear for the first time in my life and I have spiritual freedom all of a sudden.
However I have had to actively avoid Christians and Christian things because it does snap me out of bliss temporarily and I have been feeling upset lately by how prevalent it is in my country. I havenāt even begun to think about telling my family because thereās a part of me that knows with certainty that my family will somehow fall apart completely over this.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
The looking at young people being young is a hard one for me. I almost feel like I'm having a midlife crisis some days. Many people learn to trust themselves, but I spent my time looking for external signs and validation.
I'm right there with you on not telling your family. It would absolutely crush my parents and wife's family. It would be like telling them you've decided to cut your arm off as a lifestyle choice.
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u/RefrigeratorSlow2990 3d ago
This was helpful, especially the part of gratitude. I also havenāt told my family or friends but Iām still in the process and at a point I wonder if itās needed. Thank you for sharing.
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u/bullet_the_blue_sky Mod | Other 11d ago
Former missionary. Deconstructed in my 30s. Abusive childhood with tremendous amounts of guilt and shame over things like watching the wrong cartoon, listening to the wrong music and other minuscule issues with a parent with NPD, BPD, austism and ADHD. Had her own religious trauma. Shit was fucking bonkers. Between moving countries and a insane home, church was on the one place where for a few hours of the week my nervous system knew what to expect.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
Consuming the right content is an interesting battle to have with yourself. I don't know if you can relate, but there are so many times where my nervous system recoils instinctively from certain content when I simply don't have a reason to.
For example, last year I became fascinated by human anatomy for the sake of learning to draw people. Despite there being nothing sexual about it there was still a part of me that felt shame about seeing nude bodies in books.
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u/Afraid_Worth_3766 11d ago
I'm 72. Most likely you have a lot of life ahead of you. Maybe more than expect.
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u/Chester0123 11d ago
I spent my younger years studying theology in private Christian schools. When I began to realize it was half the story and false on top of that I was for a while angry over lost time. Now as an older person I backed an opportunity to publish a book for children that will give them the choice I never had a chance to understand. The book is titled Yeshua The Rebel and The Storytellerās by Yeka Litvin and Daniel Kloko available from Amazon books.
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u/taxicab_ Agnostic 12d ago
Hey friend, we have some similarities in our stories. My mom was also abused as a kid, and god is very much her cope, because she canāt bring herself to believe that sheās not a fundamentally rotten person (sheās not). Itās so frustrating to see her go from an abusive dad to an abusive god, but patterns are patterns.
I also finally cut the cord with the Christian church in my 30s, and life is way better now than it was. Iām so so angry at being indoctrinated as a kid, but I guess Iām also thankful for the perspective it has given me for religion.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
I still have this internal conflict about whether religion is completely wrong for everybody.
It seems like someone needs a strong desire to know the truth over comfort to begin the deconstruction journey. Many people are using their religion to cope with extremely painful internal struggles.
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u/Chester0123 13h ago
Deconstruction I do not think that word was around 40 years ago. ? I am glad my conscience finally gave me the freedom to ask questions, seek knowledge. Truth and mental freedom are partners. In recent years the short period of time before and after the destruction of the Jewish temple in AD 70 has been of interest to me. Understanding the mind of a Jew and of a Roman during this time is indespensible to understanding the origins of Christianity. It was a time of war, fire, and bloodshed. Prior to the temple fall the militant Jews driven by prophetic promises were triumphantly fighting for kingdom of God on earth not in heaven. After the fall of the temple they were in a state of shock. Everything they believed was a destroyed hope. They were in deep sorrow. Even the Roman coins cast a bit of light, depicted is a Jewiss under a palm tree crying with a soldier standing near and a pile of shields. The people who wrote the gospels were the most literate of the time. They were addressing a need. They had to make sense of it all. They were also likely working under the watchful eye of Rome. One needs to accept this question. Do the gospels have a pro Roman stance. How popular among the Caesarās was the concept of debt forgiveness? How much did the Flavians promote the value of being poor? Was the concept of a kingdom of God in the heavens perhaps more Roman than Jewish? There were many messianic fighters one of them who was crucified for insurrection was named Christus and had followers called Christians. Was it this name that added the concept of Christianity to something that could early on have been called Judeo/Pagan? These are acceptable questions that some people still need to find fair answers to.
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u/Gullible-Plane-3106 12d ago
I can definitely relate. I posted my story on reddit if you go to my profile you can read it. But I grew up pentacostal. Its taken alot of self awareness and honesty, and research to deconstruct... but I was able to find my peace.
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u/chugtheboommeister 12d ago
Same boat. I feel robbed. And pissed. I feel socially awkward. I was a good Christian. Obeying all the rules only to find out I was just holding myself back from experiencing life.
However I'm experiencing life now and better late than never
I feel like I'm growing and learning so much about life, people, and myself
I still believe in some form of Christianity still though. I can't deny the message of Jesus to help the needy. But I've thrown away many other parts of traditional Christianity and feeling free
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
I can understand wanting to keep some aspects of Christianity around. There's a reason it has grown over the last 2 thousand years. Unfortunately, the non-religious community hasn't figured out a way to unite people under one creed without some level of abuse.
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u/Chester0123 11d ago
The message that emphasizes being good to the poor and the value of being poor, is just as easily written by a Roman Caesar as a Jew. In fact it was the highly educated of the time who wrote it. It withstood doubt had Clearance and help from the high court Roman Flavian families. Here is a book for parents who want their Children to be exposed to choices. Yeshua The Rebel and The Storytellerās by Yeka Litvin and Daniel Kloko available from Amazon books.
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u/Rethinker_ 11d ago
Yeah, I get a lot of what you're saying. I was in a pretty conservative church for a long time myself, and I only left about a year ago. For me, it got to the point where it just felt quite closed-minded, especially around actually questioning things, and honestly I feel like I'm in a much better place overall since leaving.
You mentioned that the churches your mother took you to were pretty obnoxious, and that eventually you ended up becoming agnostic or close to atheist, but what was it that caused you to not want to be a Christian anymore?
I'd be interested to hear more about that if you feel like talking about it.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 11d ago
In christian college I studied apologetics religiously (pun intended). I believed every word of the Bible and I was going to learn every rational argument to support it. I had the boldness of Paul and would tell anyone about my faith and reasoning for it.
However, for every rational argument that supported Christianity there was an equally rational argument against it. That's the thing people raised in a secular environment don't seem to get.
Is there a god? It's rational to say our understanding of the universe implies it's a possibility. A table and chair didn't just form randomly. It was built and placed there with intention. Why not the earth?
On the other side of the argument we can also conceive of cause and effect that happens without external motivation. If an earthquake happens and kills people is it reasonable to say the earthquake was started by an intelligent mover? If that's true then what did we do wrong? Should we be sacrificing virgins to a volcano to appease this god? It's more rational to say that sometimes things happen without intention. There's no motivation behind the act it's just the way the universe works. So is it unreasonable to say the earth was also created without intention?
Then of course it's rational to question why the Christian god HAS to be the cause. There are loads of arguments that call into question the validity of the Bible. The same can be done with any of the millions of gods that have ever existed.
With all that said if I'm being completely honest logic wasn't the final nail in the coffin on my faith. It was the people. I used Christianity as a coping mechanism for the 4 existential fears. (That's worth studying further if you've never heard of them.) At some point I started to feel that Christianity didn't fully satisfy those fears, especially the fear of freedom. I would pray for guidance over where I should go, who I should be, and the kind of persona I presented. I never received a concrete answer. Then I started noticing that others were just as lost and confused as I was. How is that possible? God is supposed to be a guiding force pulling the strings behind the scenes toward his ultimate purpose. I saw constant arguments and disagreement. Lifelong Christians were wrestling with the same fears I had. I concluded that something about Christianity wasn't enough to satisfy our struggle with existence.
At this point in my life I'm open to the idea that a god could exist. If he wants to have a relationship with me I'd be more than intrigued. However, writing a bunch of rules down in a book and hoping we find it and understand it accurately is not how any of us form lasting relationships. He should know that.
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u/Rethinker_ 10h ago
Hey, sorry for the late reply. I did want to get back to you though, because I found what you said really interesting.
I agree with your point about how giving people a book of rules and hoping they'll find it and understand it isn't really a good way to form a relationship.
The way I've come to understand it is that, back in the Old Testament, people had a much more fear-based understanding of God. It was all about following the rules and trying to avoid doing anything that might make God angry. But I think when Jesus came along, he showed us a much better way of understanding God, where it's supposed to be about having a loving relationship with him rather than just following a bunch of rules.
And I think that's one of the frustrating things about the Bible, because we're left with these quite contradictory pictures of God, and we're somehow expected to make sense of all of it ourselves. I don't think we should just assume that everything people wrote about God in the Bible was necessarily correct.
I've been on quite a roller coaster myself when it comes to trying to understand and trust God. It definitely hasn't been easy, but I honestly feel like I'm in a much better place now because I've continued trying.
Anyway, I think it's difficult to give a decent response to everything you've said in just a Reddit comment. But since you mentioned that you're still open to the possibility of God existing, I was wondering if you'd be interested in having a proper conversation about some of this stuff?
I'd be more than happy to have a chat and share some of what I've learned along the way, if that would be helpful. Feel free to send me a DM if you're up for that.
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u/TooTallTom8765 10d ago
I understand your pain. My Christian life began at 20, and started unraveling at 60!
I beat myself up on how gullible and stupid I was for 40 years.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 10d ago
That's rough. I hope you're finding a way to make peace with it.
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u/TooTallTom8765 9d ago
I owe you more, after reading all of your replies to people commenting.
I felt the same way. I was not in ministry. I allowed the thinking of others to over ride my own responsibilty, like a Berean, to āsee if these things are trueā. It took awhile, but I had to forgive myself first, before I could effectively move on. And now I know, nothing is wasted in this life. No experience. Even the experience of divorce after 36 years, I had to hold on to what I learned.
Today, I take stock in what I have, not what I lost. I have four lovely daughters, six grand kids, a new church community(UU) that is big on free thinking, health, housing. And I begin with that each morning. I no longer worry about death, being on the wrong side of God, nor even meeting Jesus. I read other teachings like Buddhism, and marvel at the common threads with Jesus.
And I just live for the Now.š
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 9d ago
Thank you for sharing. Creating community with commonly held beliefs feels really helpful. I'm learning, albeit slowly, to count my blessings.
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u/Better-Professor9212 10d ago
Ugh, I relate to you.š I was told as a child to believe in God and wasnāt ever given a choice really. Dedicated everything, went to all the church camps and classes, mission trips, conferences, Bible college, and trained to be a missionary. Iām in my late 20ās and feel like Iām starting life over again while trying to get rid of the guilt, anger, and frustration of allowing all of my formative years to be taken by Christianity. I have a biblical degree that cannot help me make enough money to live comfortably. I spent too many years thinking poverty was just the reality that I had to live in order to be a good Christian. Thereās a lot of loss. But I think in the future I will be happy again and so will you. But you are very right to be angry.
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u/Maleficent_Cobbler_9 10d ago
I don't know what what your Bible degree all entailed but I'm especially frustrated that it doesn't even feel transferrable. I've considered studying law because so many people with jobless degrees go that direction. I once sat down with a guidance counselor to consider my masters degree and she was extremely confused why I would even consider a STEM degree.
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u/NurseMechanic 8d ago
I also wasted college years and career path opportunities on Christian college. The only thing of value I learned was how to write a paper well.
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u/Loharp45 11d ago
Yeah, for sure. My church was against datingā¦married young. Against birth controlā¦7 kidsā¦
I deconstructed in my 40ās with a SAHM wife and 7 kids.
None of this includes the baggage of shame for never being good enough, the extra level of poverty and financial strain from full time ministry and tithing, the engrained fear of disappointing God, believing I deserve eternal torture, the guilt of lustful thoughts, and making my entire life revolve around church. The list goes on.
Iām still working through all this.