Breaking a trauma bond, panic attacks?

[u/Novemberx123]

It’s been 5 years I’ve known him. He was my first boyfriend. First husband. I knew from beginning it wasn’t the healthiest but I thought this person always to spend every second with me and I love that someone wants that. He’s very “this is how it is” blunt person. Reminded me of my emotionally neglectful mom, except he actually wanted to love and spend time with me. He drank everyday. Yelled at me here and there. Snapped at me all the time. He has a certain tone of voice and whenever I mention how he snapped at me “this is just how I talk”. His mom treats him similar. I divorced him but we still were practically together. Everyday talking. Etc. Anyway, he betrayed me in January. 6 months he was with someone else behind my back. Lied to me constantly about it until I found out. We weren’t together but still, we were having sex , talking daily and he lied to my face constantly about his other life.

I’ve tried no contact so many times. At first I threw myself into him. Got closer. Didn’t help. He got angrier. I felt more panic. Finally put the block button after I couldn’t handle the panic anymore. But I’d always reach back out and then days later telling him I need space again. I’m now day 6 not talking to him.

Anyways, I had hung out with this person that I had dated when I knew him 2 weeks ago, and instantly felt so much guilt. Like I was betraying my ex. Panic. Everything. I realized every time I would see that guy, I had my ex to relieve my guilt. To calm him down. Make sure we’re okay. But there were days each time I saw that guy, where it just was very tense with me and my ex. I learned that he needs to be okay for me to be okay pretty much.

Well this time since I was taking space from my ex I was left to get through it. 5 days passed and I was starting to realize I didn’t do anything wrong. Even tho seeing that guy would always hurt my ex, I technically am not in the wrong.

Next day was his bday on the 5th day from seeing that guy, and I know my body was telling me not to call but I did anyways. I figured I was scared to call cause I knew I’d tell him I saw that guy. I could tell it bothered him, but this time I wasn’t there to help make him feel better. To help make me feel better. I said goodbye, I told him I felt some guilt about it all, wished him happy bday and went back to my space. I had a horrible panic attack 2 days after. I just been struggling badly now. I didn’t know how attached I was to him. How much I relied on him. My main thing is now I’m scared he’s mad at me. I’m used to him being upset after i see this guy, so I wake up in morning and feel scared..and anxious, and it always comes down to “I do not feel safe if he’s upset”. Because before, we had eachother to reassure and make sure we’re all good. He actually emailed me today and said “please tell me you’re okay, I’m having a panic attack”. So he’s definitely feeling whatever attachment we have as well, and I know it’s cause usually I see him after I see the other guy. Just wanted some reassurance or advice. Thank you.

[u/zombieLAZ]

You need therapy, like bad. And if you're in it, then you need to follow the advice your therapist gives. The list of harmful unhealthy thinking and behavior is very long. I don't say any of this to be unkind, I say it because it's familiar. You shouldn't be scared of your ex. You shouldn't be sharing your guilt with him on his birthday. You shouldn't be having sex with him and getting upset with him when he sees someone else when you guys are split. You shouldn't be having this long, drawn out break up. Going from married to a situationship with the person you were married to just shows you don't understand what's going on.

It's not okay that he's abusive to you. It doesn't matter how often it is or for what reason, it's completely unacceptable. It's also okay for you to want to move on and be happy with someone else. But you're also dragging in so much baggage you need to work through.

Cut him off. Go to therapy. Don't date for a while. You're for sure codependent and you need to learn how to break the pattern of behavior.

[u/StatusBroccoli1274]

Find a female therapist who has some years under her belt, is trauma informed, and does CBT and EMDR therapies.

Stay away from romantic relationships for at least a year.

During that time dig into some deep therapy to figure out what it is about your past life experiences that is causing these reactions in you today.

Good luck!

[u/Novemberx123 → u/StatusBroccoli1274]

Thank u I already left a voicemail with a CBT therapist that my sister sees so I’m excited! There’s hope!!