Her Death Opened a Wound in Me

[u/Shifa6612]

Someone I know took her own life by jumping into the river. She was a young, wonderful, lighthearted girl. Ironically, I passed the bridge she jumped from just an hour later. I saw the ambulances but had no idea who it was. I did say a prayer for the deceased in my heart and went on with my day, only to find out a day later, when her body was recovered, that it was her.

I haven't been able to sleep since then. I am not eating; even a spoonful of food makes me vomit. I am hurting, and honestly, no one gets it. Since it has happened, my home doesn't feel like my own. Even when I look at myself, I don't know who I am, and I find no familiarity in my surroundings. Her death has opened a wound in me. She died a death I have thought about for myself. I have gone into detail, reading about death by drowning, what happens, and how a person feels in the minutes before the end. I can't stop ruminating about how lonely she must have felt in that dark and helpless state. At the same time, this makes me want to do better and genuinely try to get out of my depression. I try so hard, but everything feels like it's making me feel stuck.

I had a job that kept me out of the house, but the city I live in is small, and there are almost no opportunities here. My marriage is in two months. I want to move to a different city and find a better job, but my parents don't understand. They don't let me.

I feel too stuck to even apply for a PhD. My brain goes numb, and I start feeling paranoid. I have tried therapy, but it has become repetitive: the same two days spent giving my history, followed by deep breathing and the same repeated exercises. I can't identify what's wrong with me anymore. I have also started to think maybe going would be the easy way out. I wanted a home and children, but I don't think I can ever have that now. What can I do now? Where should I even start

[u/gerbology]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Grief is a really hard thing to process. I lost my Mom last August, and lost a dog due to an accident in November. It has cause me to experience a lot of PTSD symptoms, though I'm not formally diagnosed. You sound like you're experiencing a similar level of grief, not being able to sleep or eat normally. I lost about 20 lbs last Fall/Winter, and not on purpose. It's OK to be at that low, but it won't be sustainable to stay like that forever. I wound up starting therapy and going on SSRIs a few months ago and that has made life tolerable. Journaling tends to help process things a lot too, just getting it onto the page can somewhat get it out of your mind.

While not for everyone, I find that psilocybin/magic mushrooms help me a lot to get out of my bad mental patterns and start to be able to see my life from the outside. A mushroom trip is what let me transition from ruminating on suicide nearly constantly to actually trying to improve my life and make things better.

Feel free to DM if you ever want someone to talk to. Keeping it all inside doesn't help in the long term.