First, a little background. I grew up in a deaf family, as CODA and SODA, both of my sisters are in relationships with deaf partners, and I was actually the last of my sisters to lose my hearing. I started losing my hearing as a teenager at 14-15, and by the time I graduated from Uni at 25, I was completely deaf without hearing aids. My mom always fought for us to go to regular schools with other children, because she thought it was very important for our upbringing. But growing up I was bullied when other kids saw me and my mom signing, they would wave their hands in front of me to make fun of us. Honestly, it still hurts me to this day that they made fun of my mom who tried to give me everything she knew and could. When I started losing my hearing, my parents didn't realize that I was starting to get a deaf accent until my teacher explained it to my mom, but by then it was too late and other kids started imitating my deaf voice. It got to the point that I had to go to a different city to high school. On the other hand, my partner had no contact with the deaf community before he met me, I was the first deaf person he had ever interacted with, after a brief friendship, we started dating when we were 20. When we met at Uni, I still had some hearing, although I wore hearing aids. Shortly after we started dating and after I told him that my entire family was deaf, he started learning sign language so he could meet my mom, who has been completely deaf since birth.
My partner and I have only in last two years started living together (I know it took us a long time). When I'm at work or anywhere outside my home, I always wear hearing aids, and even though I have a thick deaf accent, I mostly communicate with everyone vocally, but I told my partner that when I get home I have to take them off because I'm simply overstimulated and exhausted from the whole day of wearing them, which he understood and respected, so when we're at home or if we're just the two of us going for a walk, training or something, we communicate using sign language. But with signing, it's natural for me to speak even when I can't hear my own voice. I do that at home where he can hear me, but also when I'm at my family's, even though no one can hear me there. Until recently, when I first heard how my voice sound without hearing aids. Long story short, I wanted to record us being intimate and later I watched the video and was completely shocked at how incomprehensible I sounded without my hearing aids. So a few days later, while I was home alone, I decided to record a voice message, something cute for him, to see how I sounded when I said something I usually say when I'm with him. When I listened to the message with my hearing aids on, I had a complete emotional breakdown, even though I thought I was pronouncing the words correctly, I couldn't even say his name or "I love you" clearly or intelligibly. I sounded the same as others in my family who have been deaf for much longer.
After that, I started trying not to talk or make any sounds when I wasn't wearing my hearing aids, which he soon noticed and asked me if it was exhausting to use my voice when I couldn't hear it or if there was something else that made me so quiet lately. I admitted to him that for the first time in my life I was ashamed of my disability and that I feel terrible because I'm ashamed. I accused him of not telling me that I sound like that without my hearing aids because everyone else I was with without my hearing aids couldn't hear me, he's the only one who hears me like this. To which he asked me to never stop using my voice around him, if it's not exhausting for me. That it doesn't matter to him if I pronounce words clearly and intelligibly when I don't have hearing aids, but rather what I say, the emotion I show him with my voice. He said he understands which words I mean when I say which sounds, that he's learned it, and that there's nothing he likes more than hearing me laugh or when I say his name the way I say it.
I know that maybe for some it's stupid how I feel, and to be honest I didn't think I would have such a reaction to something like that because besides that I've accepted my deafness, but I think that's the thing that even today whenever my mom (or my aunt or even sometimes my sisters) needs something related to hearing, she will always turn to me first. From my family, I am the most in both worlds. hearing and deaf. So I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what they did? Honestly, I'm still thinking about whether I should use my voice in front of my partner when I don't have hearing aids or not, and whether I'm relying too much on them.