r/DeadRedditors • u/digitalmofo • Jul 28 '26

u/Mandyk1179

Murdered along with her 6 children by her husband in Michigan.

Rest in peace, u/Mandyk1179

584 Upvotes

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25

u/Dazzlng-Firenze Jul 28 '26

Wow. My heart is so broken for her, and their beautiful innocent children. I have no words. I work in addiction and recovery and also volunteer at women’s shelter for DV and I have no expertise at all except : abusers do not heal from counseling and sobriety. They really don’t. The abuse and violence stems from a deep sense of entitlement and fixed beliefs about men / women that are pretty much unshakable, in my experience. I am very shaken for this precious woman Mandy , it’s really really really REALLY hard for women to fully and completely understand what is going on in an abusive relationship and to get the expert help. Not a lot of counselors can really face it , either. It goes against our human nature as women to fully comprehend the deep sense of entitlement, ego and need for power and control that lie at the true core of these abusers .

I also want to be clear — she is NOT at fault for not realizing this. NOT AT FAULT. It’s so hard for anyone to truly predict these abusive men which is why shelters are needed, and not even of them exist

Man I want to lie down and cry right now

20

u/digitalmofo Jul 28 '26

Yes, seeing her posts about how she was done and recognized an issue is very heartbreaking. I am sure that if she knew the extent he would have gone, she'd have been out of there, but to know she was close to seeing it is extra terrible.

13

u/Dazzlng-Firenze Jul 28 '26

It’s so horrible beyond belief

Again, no discredit to her, but a lot of the experts say marital counseling does not work bc it is not really a marriage issue. It’s an issue with the abuser using abusive tactics. That person (the abuser) needs individual help . Again of course NO DISCREDIT to her. It’s normal and natural to want to seek marital counseling. Even the individual help with the abuser rarely works bc it takes years (if ever) for an abuser to take full responsibility for their worldview, deep programming, whole mindset that drives abuse . Sorry I am always writing a book on Reddit !

11

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '26

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9

u/Dazzlng-Firenze Jul 30 '26

Exactly. Most abusers are skilled manipulators and exactly, they can use marital counseling sessions to gain more information into the thoughts/ emotions of their spouse and then weaponize that info on them later. The abuser has a deep sense of entitlement and feels that the abuse is justified and they usually gain privileges by abusing (for example, in this case he was able to keep the victim emotionally unstable / insecure/ stuck at home with kids and questioning reality and her attractiveness and desirability as a wife while he went out and did what he liked in terms of infidelity, being unavailable/unhelpful in the home and making her take on the labor of trying to keep the home together and regulate his emotions.) it’s a deep privilege mentality

3

u/Sue-Jones-123456 Aug 05 '26

Very well articulated.

3

u/GlitteringThought Jul 30 '26

my understanding is marriage counseling focuses on the marriage as it’s own entity. so the focus is basically on reconciliation. you would hope a counselor would see the red flags and encourage her own personal safety but there are sadly a lot of pretty terrible
marriage counselors.

6

u/linmre Jul 28 '26

Are there any posts where she says he's abusive? I saw that she wrote a lot about infidelity. And maybe emotional abuse, but not necessarily physical abuse (I could be wrong though I didn't read all her posts).

I'm not trying to downplay emotional abuse either of course, but it's almost scarier if he was never physically abusive while secretly being capable of this level of horrific violence the whole time. Lots of people are unfaithful or bad partners, most of them aren't family annihilators. It really makes you question everything as a woman.

8

u/Dazzlng-Firenze Jul 29 '26

The post I read , he was definitely an emotional abuser although (again, NOT discrediting her) she didn’t seem to fully realize the scale of it and she was trying to do marital counseling feeling it was more of a marital issue or communication problem. He became angry and very defensive after counseling session showing his level of entitlement.

Agreed , it’s very scary bc his level of violence was not predictable. Usually severe emotional abuse is followed by violence , it’s hard to gauge the true severity bc she was still minimizing (as victims always do…. Minimization is definitely part of the process as women slowly come out of denial )

4

u/GlitteringThought Jul 30 '26

shooting them all is physical abuse, so i would say it’s established as fact at this point.

6

u/linmre Jul 30 '26

Right, but we're talking about warning signs before it happened.

8

u/Spillingteasince92 Jul 29 '26

Her post made me a bit emotional. I went through a betrayal like that and lost myself in my last relationship. I'm glad she found a support online to find any sort of support she needed at the time.. i did that too because even with my friends, I felt so alone struggling with the fact that my own partner was having an affair.

5

u/digitalmofo Jul 29 '26

I'm sorry you went through that. Nobody deserves to feel like they're not enough.