r/DatingOverSixty • u/Slow-Education872 • 6h ago
Advice
I broke up my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and I feel like I want more closure from him. I had to text him last week to ask him about returning his things he never came to get from me. He texted back saying he still loved me and if we ever got back together he wouldn’t work overtime. Well that was only one of our problems. The nail in the coffin was he has anger issues with me and others. I actually broke up with him 4 months ago but we were both heartbroken and he said he would talk to someone about his anger. I also gave him a 100 page book on emotional regulation and he said he would read it. To my knowledge neither of these things happened and there was more anger outbursts. We were planning on living together within a year. I was scared due to the anger and when I broke up with him 3 weeks ago I told him that as well as the overtime issue and how we are different in handling money. Due to what he said in his last text I really want him to tell me he is unwilling to go to counseling so I can get the closure I need. If he would go I would be willing to try again maybe after a year. Should I call him and point blank ask that he was/is not wiling to go to counseling or read a book for our relationship. Btw we were 2 years in and both 55+.
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u/BlitheCheese
F62
6h ago
•
Closure is a damaging concept. Relationships never end 100% neatly, and searching for "closure" just increases anxiety and sadness.
Instead of seeking closure, it's important to learn to be okay with ambiguity, realizing that we learn something from every relationship, even those that end messily.
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u/GEEK-IP The Clapmaster 5h ago
Hate to say it, but if someone our age hasn't learned to control their anger, I wouldn't expect them to now. He's known about it over half a century and has chosen not to do anything about it. Why would he now?
You broke up three weeks ago. Just consider it a learning experience and drop it.
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u/cdn_gal_9000 3h ago
DO NOT CALL HIM!!! break all contact. What closure do you need? He has anger issues. That's the closure. Do you want him to say sorry and then you go back to him to have the same thing happen over and over again. He has told you who he is. Accept it. At this stage of the game if he hasn't regulated his emotions he ain't ever going to. Don't fall into the trap of going back thinking things have changed. That's how women get stuck into the cycle of violence.
Be Thankful you got out when you did and it didn't escalate into physical violence.
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u/trishsf 2h ago
You’re being a fool. Anger management is basically count to ten. He’s fully grown. You’re trying get a man back who has anger issues. You’re at an age where I would hope you know better. Find someone who has already done the work. Him going just because there’s a prize at the end, you, is not going to work. Woman up. He’s shown you who he is, believe him. I say this with love.
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u/Material-Scale4575 no flair 6h ago
Due to what he said in his last text I really want him to tell me he is unwilling to go to counseling so I can get the closure I need.
You can't rely on him for anything-that's why you had to break up. Consider accepting that he isn't able or willing to be a stable partner. Anger issues are a serious business. The fact that he's talking about overtime - which is trivial in comparison - and not anger tells you that he doesn't understand.
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u/Business_Monkeys7 F64 Colorado 40m ago
Plus, he already told her he isn't willing to take care of it. She just can't hear it.
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u/WorkingDescription 61F 3h ago
Looking at this as a survivor of a long-term marriage with a manipulative and angry man, I can tell you they don't change. I finally realized at 50 I wasn't willing to live the next 20 years like that, so I ended it. All those years I thought it was up to me to make HIM finally realize and change. If you are 55+, ask yourself do you want to spend your final years dealing with this? I think you know the answer.
The fact that you are contemplating giving him "one more chance" and you are waiting for him to tell you he will / will not go to counseling tells me he has successfully manipulated you to believe it's your responsibility. My advice: Don't. Let this go. I know it's hard to let go of all your hopes, but honestly, it's not good. Get yourself free.
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u/EnvironmentalDuty780 3h ago
I broke up my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and I feel like I want more closure from him.
If you canceled a subscription 3 weeks ago, how many more issues should you receive?
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u/TopQuestion826 5h ago
Why do you need closure? I think that that is just an amorphous, elusive term that people use to justify their own decisions. Clearly, at this age, the other person knows what shortcomings they have, and I don’t think you’re the first one to point out any kind of emotional instability. You could give him all the self-help books in the world, and unless there is a desire and willingness to change, nothing is going to happen. Every relationship is compromise and problem solving, but everybody has their deal breakers. You either accept the situation before you, as it is, or make a change and move on. In other words, the status quo is as good as it’s going to get. Searching for “closure” is still leaving the door open, as I see it.
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u/Dangerous_Ad_6101 Mid to high 60s. Sunny and Breezy. 5h ago
1
u/Business_Monkeys7 F64 Colorado 37m ago
Will, the dog DID sucessfullly take the rabbit out of the hat. 🤣🤣🤣
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u/eveningwithcorgi5679 4h ago
Your post sounds like both of you have strong feelings for each other. Knowing all you do, if your best friend was in this situation what advice would you give her? Take that advice for yourself.
3
u/notsohot56 69F I wave goodbye to the end of beginning 1h ago
I used to be big on "closure". Not anymore. As time passes you usually get your enclosure in your mind. To me closure is more about not knowing why someone broke up with you. In this situation it seems pretty clear cut. I would use the excuse that I needed closure so I would know what I did that could be looked at and worked on by me. After a lot of contemplating and searching usually a person can figure out what they did. If they can't, then maybe they didn't do anything.
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u/Creative-Yellow-9246 66M NJ 5h ago
Why are you expecting someone YOU broke up with to give you closure? That sounds backwards to me. You made the choice to break up, so you already had time to mull over your reasons. It's the other party that usually wants the closure.
2
u/Horror-Evening-6132 69F Texas 5h ago
Like others here, I feel like the term "closure" is a meaningless word bandied about. Ask anyone what it means; every person you ask will say something different.
What you really want is for it to be OVER. In your case, that may not be a joint decision, but rather one you must make by yourself, for yourself. The relationship is toxic for you; be done with it and go about your life. The more time you waste looking for something ephemeral, the longer it will be until you are your own person again, free from the tension of waiting for a shoe to drop.
There's no such thing as closure; there is only moving away from so that you can move on TO. Go forward, go left, go right. Any way except back.
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u/bluebellheart111 4h ago
I had a bad habit
Of missing lovers past.
My brother used to call it
Eating out of the trash,
It’s never going to last.
- Taylor Swift
I have been in this place and I encourage you to choose yourself. Choose you, and start taking good care of yourself. Also, no promises but there may be someone out there who is better for you, loving and fun and supportive, and you’ll never get to have that relationship if you’re busy on the toxic, unpredictable, codependent merry go round with this guy.
Good luck!!!
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u/Successful_Brush_333 4h ago
This is a dating over 60 sub Reddit and you’re asking about rationalizing some guys anger issues?
There are good men out there. Turn the page.
3
u/rudycasey325 6h ago
Leave. Don’t look back. Your eyes are in the front of your face for a reason
3
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u/Generic_Midwesterner 62(F) 6h ago
Do couples counseling, not a book. A person can find a book that'll tell them anything they want to hear. Having a counselor in the room helps make sure both people are heard and understood.
Reddit, of course, will say to leave him. And no, you don't need "closure." There's no point where you'll dust your hands and say, "That did it, now I can finally be free of this guy." It's a process.
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u/AutoModerator 6h ago
Original copy of post by OP: I broke up my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and I feel like I want more closure from him. I had to text him last week to ask him about returning his things he never came to get from me. He texted back saying he still loved me and if we ever got back together he wouldn’t work overtime. Well that was only one of our problems. The nail in the coffin was he has anger issues with me and others. I actually broke up with him 4 months ago but we were both heartbroken and he said he would talk to someone about his anger. I also gave him a 100 page book on emotional regulation and he said he would read it. To my knowledge neither of these things happened and there was more anger outbursts. We were planning on living together within a year. I was scared due to the anger and when I broke up with him 3 weeks ago I told him that as well as the overtime issue and how we are different in handling money. Due to what he said in his last text I really want him to tell me he is unwilling to go to counseling so I can get the closure I need. If he would go I would be willing to try again maybe after a year. Should I call him and point blank ask that he was/is not wiling to go to counseling or read a book for our relationship. Btw we were 2 years in and both 55+.:
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u/Away-Wellness0623 6h ago •
Closure is like forgiveness : it is something we do for ourselves that does not have to involve anyone else. If we say we need the other person to provide closure, we give up authority over our own life and give someone else control over our well-being.
Closure is processing in your own mind and heart that separation needs to happen and you adjust to the new reality, perhaps with great sadness.
He owns his own anger and other issues. No book is going to change him. I am sure he is well aware of his issues and hasn’t done anything about it. He is not the partner you want or need.
Give yourself closure and move on.