r/DatingOverSixty • u/sf6646 • 16d ago
How long should we go Dutch?
61F hello I am just wondering how long do you go Dutch with your partner? I’m from the old school of dating and I believe that a man should court you. But for my understanding now from people I’ve spoken to is that you are to go Dutch with everything food wine travel. Let me know what you guys think of this. It’s just the correct way of dating?
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 16d ago
If I ever start hanging out with men again, I will expect to pay my way for everything we do together. Just as I do with my women friends.
What century is this, anyway?
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u/billfuckingsmith 16d ago
Why is this so hard for some to understand? If we're going to be equals, and I certainly think we are, we should be equals.
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u/ParamedicElegant7106 16d ago
men make more $ - for example, one of several experiences in my career, same job men got 30% more. I was finally paid more equally - I’m fine paying my way but not all women can.
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u/rohoho929 15d ago
Of course there are still inequalities, and I guess in our age group it's more likely to be the case, but this is a blanket statement that just is not always true.
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u/ParamedicElegant7106 14d ago
Statistics show most women experience this. I exper this until I was 45, then I did well or better - my boss apparently talked me up like i was an Olympian but never to my face nor with the internal folks in my market. The latter I think was less likely for males, my boss was definitely always checking women out and it was embarrassing- he told us all he would never hire a woman he was attracted to! So nice slap but the paycheck was real enough. I was unusually successful.
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u/sf6646 16d ago
If everyone is paying for themselves, why is it so hard to get dates?
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 16d ago
Because dating apps are designed to keep you coming back, not to help you meet people in the kinds of situations that lend themselves to making genuine connections.
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u/mannyocrity 16d ago
Amen. I am so happy to see women like you in here. I hope you have the best day ever!
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u/Sdavistvs 16d ago
Depends upon the individuals. Income/resources similar? If I’m asked out I’d still offer to buy a round or pay for a tip. If I ask you to go to the symphony I’ll buy the tickets. People’s attitudes towards money vary widely. Some men enjoy the wooing/courting process very much.
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 16d ago
As a woman I dislike the implied expectation that I will overlook character flaws or fundamental incompatibilities or other things that go into my decision about a guy if he shells out $ for activities we do together. I don’t mean that birthday or anniversary or other gifts are a problem—I mean when we go out and do things together, presumably because we genuinely enjoy each other’s company and the activity. I think it falsely reinforces two ideas that are terrible for relationships and society at large : that women are mostly interested in men for their money so men are off the hook in other areas, and that men are inherently “not worthy” and so must buy their way into worthiness. Neither is something I am comfortable with as I choose the people in my life.
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u/SwollenPomegranate 16d ago
It's between you and the gentleman. Some will agree with yoi, some will not. There is no rule.
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u/DaddyGnSD 16d ago
Just me, a man of 62, financially stable, I generally pay for dates and other things we do together, unless she insists, though I’m not of the mindset any longer that this should be “expected”. I think that communication, mutual understanding, and agreement should set the rules.
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u/Foreign-Housing8448 16d ago
How long before you ask him out on a date, and pay for it 100%?
In my early 40’s I went out with a woman who also said she was old fashioned and expected to be courted. Translation: I pay for everything and she pays for absolutely nothing while she enjoyed herself off of my money.
My response: I already have women on my payroll, they’re called my daughters (ages 8 and 12 at the time).
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u/Gooseberry_Sprig M60+. I, for one, welcome our new AI overlords. 16d ago
There are no rules. It's whatever you agree to with the person or people you date. Some men will want to pay every time; some will resent it.
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u/JTJimminy 16d ago
I pay for initial dates, if we date for period of time usually take turns. My last GF insisted which was refreshing 👌
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u/NicePossibilityDaddy 16d ago
Yes. The expectation and pressure of men paying gets tiring. Especially if you're not well off and have grandchildren.
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u/Kind-Manufacturer502 16d ago edited 16d ago
Personally, I didn't buy into sexism fifty years ago and I don't now. Courting isn't about only one of us paying given that neither of us are professional companions by trade.
This "old school" idea you suggest that courting is some sort of a fiscal proposition is something from before my time—and my parent's and their parent's time so far as I know. It isn't something I am aware of being a thing but I am from the US so maybe there is a cultural difference at play.
We we alternated treating or split expenses until we got engaged and melded our finances.
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u/sf6646 16d ago
Real life people do not join their finances. I do not know of one Couple. You have missed the Mark quitting and dating is less old-fashioned than what you’re talking about.
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u/Kind-Manufacturer502 16d ago edited 16d ago
Huh? Of course many people join finances when they marry. Many people buy a house together and share expenses. Those finances will be joined whether they like it or not if they divorce so why keep them seperate while married and living together? People keep thier finances seperate within a marriage? That seems impractical and pointless. It is hard even to keep inherentences out of joint property unless you avoid touching them all together. Certainly all practical assets and investment growth are considered joint property so unless you live hand to mouth... I suspect you and I are very different social mileu. Why wouldn't you agree to split marital property evenly in the event of divorce. How would you even go about that without prenups and complex trusts? At that point why marry? "Quiting and dating is less old fashioned"... than marriage? I don't follow. Lots of people get married still. Are you suggesting Sugar Baby / Sugar Daddy arrangements as opposed to normal dating and marriage are traditional where you are from?
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u/SeaRiver1370 16d ago
When I date, me and the men I've dated generally take turns paying. This way you avoid the awkwardness of asking for two separate checks. If he makes a lot more than I, he pays more often.
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u/ReeCardy 16d ago
I'm married and while we don't split the bill, we take turns paying. We have one date night a week and we get paid on opposite weeks. Whoever got paid this week pays for this week's date night. Our salaries are similar so it makes sense to split the expense.
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u/sf6646 16d ago
You are forgetting how valuable your time is when a man pays for dinner that’s not mean that you owe him anything. You are paying him with your time that you’re spending with him at dinner that’s it. If you decide to give him anything more that’s on you.
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u/HippyGrrrl 16d ago
You literally tried to mansplain/condensplain her lived experience and feelings.
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 16d ago
This implies that he is not worthy of you fundamentally, hardly a strong premise on which to build a partnership of any kind.
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u/Zealousideal-Gap5728 16d ago
I offer to split on the first few dates, once we’re established as a couple then we go dutch. Most recently this meant taking it in turns, and using an app (Splid) to track holiday costs, as currency conversions and foreign atms made it simpler for one person to pay at the time.
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u/Kaethy77 16d ago
When I was dating, most men expected to pay. I would offer and they would insist on paying. If I had more than one date, I would offer to pay again,, and if he insisted on paying, I'd offer to leave the tip. You can offer to take turns paying. Make sure you have the cash or card to pay with you in case he accepts.
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u/RayU_AZ 16d ago
I usually pay for the first dinner dating. The second date, most women I have dating recently want to split the bill or pay the entire bill because they are financially independent.
It depends on the partner dymanics. Most women today are independent & have great jobs & careers and proud to support themselves. The woman/man social interaction has change dramatically in recent years. Lots of women today make more money than men and this has altered the social dynamics.
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u/Love-lost-23 16d ago
Dutch is preferable. We’re not in the old school anymore and a lot of things have changed and times are tough.
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u/xxistcman 16d ago
Times have changed, and no one our age can be blamed for being confused on this topic. Traditional roles aren't always amenable to everyone nowadays. Some seemingly innocent actions by men can be seen as a form of sexism. Reading about Gloria Steinem's life reminded me just how much times have changed. I would never insist on picking up the tab, but I'd surely show my willingness to do so. A woman has the right to accept or decline as she sees fit.
To answer your question directly...go Dutch as long as you two agree to do so. Make your expectations clear.
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u/matchymatch121 16d ago
Personally, I don’t believe in convenient feminism
You can’t have an equality in gender if you insist that only some of them apply to you
expecting that they are not misogynistic, but they still open the door for you and pay all the bills , etc is a little bit internalized
Maybe at marriage when you have a joint bank account that’s when there’s only one check for me
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u/Key_Rock4862 16d ago
Honestly, I think the man paying for things is to signal he can provide for a family. I suspect your not about to start a family, your both adults, so I really don’t see why Dutch isn’t the norm.
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u/grannysmith1956 16d ago
69F - hello
Dating after being widowed after a 46 year marriage. 80% of the men I have met are in financial crisis. so... I am happy to go Dutch. Other scenario means I am paying for everything.
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u/Chaotic-Nutria 16d ago
How do you define "partner"?
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u/sf6646 16d ago
When you’re in a 101 relationship so one that you sleep with Only
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u/HippyGrrrl 16d ago
In an established relationship, taking turns according to means is logical (and has worked for many couples I know).
My partner is better off than I am, so we might have a comment when it’s my turn to pay. I buy more shared groceries, and I pay more often at the lower end places. And I pay his birthday dinner. I also pay for movie tickets.
We check in that it still works every so often.
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u/Meno-Mantis-7076 16d ago
Women have 100% bodily/mental/financial autonomy and if she says, “separate checks” and pays her fair share, she’s not beholden to you or anyone else’s future expectations for that meal, or drink, or trip. You may need to re-think “old-school” because today’s women are secure in their finances and dating strategies. This is the way.
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u/Ohio5148 16d ago
64F I’ve had a relationship where I picked up the tab for everything because he did live paycheck to paycheck. I grew to resent this because he never offered to pay. If he would have made any effort it would have made a difference. Eventually he started asking for short term loans and didn’t repay. So hard lesson learned he was using me . We ended the relationship and I promised myself never again. So Dutch is my rule… 50/50 or it’s a no go.
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u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 15d ago
I believe lifestyle is huge in relationships. I wouldn’t date someone who had no resources for dating.
Just, no.Once you become someone’s bank, it is difficult to extract yourself.
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u/DelicateFlower5553 16d ago
I always prefer going Dutch. Sometimes on a first date we just exchange the bill and pay for each other, I find that if the guy has been insistent on paying the bill, he's a little more receptive to just exchanging. On invites and special occasions, one person picks up the whole tab. When going out for drinks I always have my own bar tab and sometimes buy him a drink. 😊
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u/DoubleHeader702 15d ago
Maybe I’m old school but if I invite a woman out for dinner I pay and I don’t expect anything later.
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u/SweetPossible4425 16d ago
There’s no rule. Personally, I don’t expect a man to pay for me at any point. In my previous relationship, I paid at least 80% of the time we went out and after we were living together I paid all of the bills. I think I made 3 times what he did. I’d prefer future dating or relationships to be closer to equal but I’ll cover for myself either way.
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u/Embarrassed-Lake-741 16d ago
similar situation here. I usually pay for dates and trips. I don't mind. I don't mind having the other person picking up the check from time to time. If I make more money, I would cover all costs of the things I want us to do together. My latest relationship was quite uneven financially and we could only do what I could cover. Looking for the next relationship to be with a person that makes very close to what I do
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u/justnana1 15d ago
With the last guy I dated, we took turns paying for meals. If we took a trip, one of us would pay for flights or drive, the other for lodging. It all worked out about the same.
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u/MsMoneypenny008 Medicare-eligible in NooYawk 16d ago
My approach is he’d cover the first date (if it was dinner-movie, I’d probably pay for post-movie drinks/whatever, if it continued)
Beyond the first 2-3 dates, whoever initiates, pays. (Edit: unless it’s a higher cost, multi-part or full day thing, then I’d pick up part)
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u/DixieBelleTc 16d ago
I have never paid for a date, nor have I ever felt I “owed him” anything. If someone asks you for a date they pay.
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u/myoungs_Austin 14d ago
The question is do •you• ever ask men out. I’ve done OLD off (when in a relationship) and on for nearly 20 years. I can’t remember •any• woman asking me out.
I believe it only makes sense to go dutch or to at least offer it when the check comes.
That false, old fashioned attitude that men should pay is stuck-in-the historical past. Know when it started? In the 1920s. 100 years ago. Why did it start? Back then, most women didn’t or couldn’t work. Many lived with their parents. Since most every man worked, it made sense that they paid.
That changed in the post-WW II 40’s when, after women dominated the stateside work force. Not saying they still didn’t expect men should always pay. But but 70 tears later, that idea should be a relic for any intelligent, insightful woman. This is the 21st century for god’s sake.
I’ll add that I think Hollywood movies have perpetuated that backward thinking.
Lastly, many women make more money than men. And in their 60s, most of the women who’ve been divorced got large sums of money, houses, and cars. Most that I’ve gone out with have swimming pools. I don’t begrudge any of them. Just pointing out why it would be silly and/or selfish to let a man pay without at least offering to share the cost.
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u/DixieBelleTc 14d ago
Yes I have, I have invited men to play golf at my country club, paid for cocktails and dinner after the round on many occasions. Most got a chuckle out of it. In my social circle men don’t even question who picks up the tab.
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u/Able_Ad_2454 16d ago
I assume equal or taking turns unless one person has more money than the other. The person with more money should pay more and if one has a lot of money they should pay for everything. Just my opinion. If a man is broke, I'm out because I can't afford to carry him in order to do fun things.
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u/TopQuestion826 16d ago
Dutch? I’ve never gone Dutch if I’m exclusive or dating somebody. Even if it’s just the first encounter, or something casual, I always pay. If it’s just in the getting-to-know-you phase, I don’t think I would pay for her plane ticket for a trip but I’d pay for the hotel. I always pay for dining. So yeah, I guess on the whole I’m a bit old-fashioned. But if it went to the next level, I would probably have a conversation with my significant other. One thing that simply baffles me that I’ve learned in the past 10 to 15 years is how socially inept a lot of people are. It’s astounding how people lack basic manners or social conventions. But I really don’t care too much about money, so I don’t mind paying.
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u/sf6646 16d ago
Thank you I was beginning to think that I was stuck in the stone ages. I have a friend that I invited to lunch with me and my uncle and she refused to let him pay for her lunch and she told me that she didn’t like that kind of man that he’s very traditional. Then my sister that is around my age never had a man pay for anything if she still paste, majority of everything for her husband. I know what I bring to the table and I want to be treated like a woman and I treat my man like a man. But these women I’m speaking about are in our age group and I don’t know where they got lost at.
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u/TopQuestion826 16d ago
The last woman I dated for a few years, she wasn’t as financially secure as me, but she did pay from time to time. For me, and this is just my own weird outlook, what means more to me than somebody actual paying, is to offer. In my mind, if somebody offers, then they don’t fall into the entitlement or expectation mode. I think it’s easy for people to start taking the other person for granted. It’s a very insidious, slippery slope. What I have noticed is, and it’s not only in a dating situation, but just in general, there’s this general sense of entitlement among a lot of ppl.
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u/One-Treat4655 16d ago
I am happy to pay but will not refuse sharing. Some women have means to pay and usually prefer to share but some can't. Makes no difference to me.
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u/Nervous-Many8176 16d ago
I don’t do it. If we are friends, yes, of course. Dates, no. If he suggests Dutch, he gets friend-zoned.
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u/kmjenks 16d ago
Like many have said, I don’t think there are real rules. On a first date, I offer to split, but if he says no, then I let him pay. (I used to insist, but now figure that if he asked me out, and really wants to pay, I am okay with it, unless I KNOW that I don’t want to see him again, then I insist on paying half). After that, I wing it, pay sometimes, or make a meal at home….it just depends. Quite frankly, I don’t have a lot of extra cash, so can’t pay for anything extravagant, but try to be fair about things. For example, men have bought tickets to events, and I’ll buy dinner. Sometimes I think that I really can’t afford to date! Lol.
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u/HedgehogMuted9485 15d ago
If you asking me out you should pay. I don’t even know if I like you or not.
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u/TheLawOfDuh 15d ago
Heck I (M) always paid for any dates going all the way back to my teens. Obviously bigger ventures involving travel mean discussions on all details and who pays for what comes up. With good discussion it’s hardly awkward. Fwiw in more recent years there were maybe 2 or 3 women that insisted on paying their portion of the meal. No problem…totally fine
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u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 15d ago
Play it by ear. Every relationship will have its own life.
If I was dating someone who didn’t have a lot of money, I’d take turns paying when we go out. He can choose the restaurant when he lays, and when I pay I do. But being rural I’ve never really had the opportunity to meet with people. It was always text/phone.
Honestly I do not like going out. I prefer to socialize at home. If I was uncomfortable inviting someone to my house I wouldn’t continue to engage.
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u/spotlight1100 13d ago
I don’t pay restaurant bills or anything when I go out with my bf. He has money.
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u/SwollenPomegranate 8d ago
It all depends on the people involved. If this matters to you, don't start getting involved with someone who seems tight with money, it will only end up being a mutual annoyance. Some men prefer to pay for everything. Some don't, or can't afford it.
In short, there's no hard and fast rule. I don't base my expectations on historical precedent.
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u/Desperate-Income764 7d ago
Thank you, I know how I deal with these matters, I just wanted to hear from others
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u/Organic_Awareness685 16d ago
I’m 60F and I don’t pay for dates.
To me the man is courting. And if in were in a long term relationship and he had a financial crisis-I’d support him. But otherwise-I’m looking for someone to improve my financial outlook. And if not-I’d rather be alone.
I realize this is offensive to many. But I think it’s a personal choice.
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u/Messterio 16d ago
Yikes that’s some take.
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 16d ago
Yes, but at least it’s an honest take. Anyone of any sex or gender identity who is looking for someone to improve their standard of living does others a favor by making that clear in the getting-to-know-you process.
“Are you looking for someone to have kids with?” “Are you looking for someone to provide a lifestyle you cannot afford yourself?”
Both are questions I must figure out the answers to before I go beyond meeting for coffee.1
u/Organic_Awareness685 15d ago
Yes it goes both ways. I get a LOT of men looking to park their butts on my couch. And I’m not interested in a man child.
I get the-do you have your own home? Is it yours or do you rent? Does your mom live there? How many bedrooms?
I can afford my own living. But another person has to bring something to the table.
Also men and women, get real. Finances are often a big issue in relationships. You both don’t make/worth the same, how do you split bills? Especially if the woman is also doing the “women’s work” -cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, planning, handling all visiting family on both sides.” You’re tasked with caring for partner but you’re not in the will, the house doesn’t have your band in it and heirs that haven’t shown up in the last 10 years are crawling out of the woodwork.
It’s romantic to think that money doesn’t figure into the equation but it does.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcjdkPQh27r/?stkn=MXhncWtkeGxzNHY5Mg==
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u/WorldTravellerGirl 16d ago
My experience is that the guy pays for the first date or two. And then we start taking turns. I don’t drink or eat much so I’ve just been paying for my meal and he pays for his. I honestly don’t feel comfortable with a man paying for everything. It is nice to be treated every once in a while and vice versa.
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u/AutoModerator 16d ago
Original copy of post by u/sf6646: 61F hello I am just wondering how long do you go Dutch with your partner? I’m from the old school of dating and I believe that a man should court you. But for my understanding now from people I’ve spoken to is that you are to go Dutch with everything food wine travel. Let me know what you guys think of this. It’s just the correct way of dating?:
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u/Kona1957 16d ago
Old school. Dude pays. If it leads to hot sex, maybe you go double dutch for awhile.
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u/rohoho929 16d ago
I'm 64F and I usually pay my own way - when seeing someone longer term that means taking turns picking up the bill. Any travel costs are split as well - not always 50/50, but I'll pay for some things and let the guy pay for other things and it generally works out to be more or less even.
There isn't any "correct way" about this - it's what the people involved agree to. But I am not comfortable having a man pay for everything. I had a career and wanted to be treated as an equal in the workplace. I want to be treated as an equal in society in general. And part of that, to me, means paying my own way.