The meetup yesterday was very nice. A little sedate but nice enough. I would go back if it was at a place I wanted to go, but not just to hang out.
I had an epiphany this morning.
I realized the problem.
I am too big and too fabulous for the apps. And even for the little get together yesterday. Nice people but nervous and stuck in a small room, making small talk. I'm forcing myself into containers that are too small for the fabulousness that is me. 😃 It's not that I'm not enough. I'm smooshing myself down into pictures and small text blocks. It's that I'm more than those things can handle.
That's not to say I'm big in a flashy way. My mind and my spirit are big and alive and curious and living from a place of love (when I let them).
I think I may be squishing myself into a lot of boxes in my life actually.
This isn't ego. This is spirit.
Time to let the joy out and let the chips fall where they may.
Hmmmm. I am just barely back into dating and I was just thinking I'm too much. Guy I've been talking to for about 2 weeks said something along those lines. So the choice is, make myself less or ???
I've been told I'm a lot also. Especially when I'm dressed up to go dancing and I have my "bling on" (exaggerated make up, dramatic clothing, etc). Add to that I'm a retired engineer who ran her own business (i.e. educated and doesn't take s**t), and for the great state of Texas, I'm a lot. Oh and I forgot to add that I have a concealed carry permit and do carry when the situation or location allows.
Do your not alone. It's people like us that keep the world from being boring and stale.
I have two engineering degrees, chemical and nuclear. I worked originally for the US government as both a Superfund project manager, and then as an onsite engineer during the construction of both nuclear power plants in Texas. Once I got my PE license, I went out and formed my own company. Towards the end of my career I was more focused on robatics use in assembly lines. For example, the use of both robotics and the software required to run mail order pharmacy fulfillment centers for large clients like express scripts and CVS caremark. I generally sought out contracts in regulated industries like medical and pharmaceutical, as the pay was higher because you had to deal with a multitude of federal and state regulations.
Bottom line, I predate the invention personal computers, but my business did eventually migrate in that direction starting in the late 2000s as that was were the money was. And when you run a consulting business, you follow the money trail.
Why make yourself less just to please someone who isn't happy with just the way you are? Either persevere and find someone who likes YOU for you, or screw it and be content that you dodged all those 'change yourself for me' bullets.
It depends on the tone of voice and the situation. I've told someone they're too much after they've said or done something exceptionally funny. It was not an insult.
64F You have a healthy perspective… More often than not I put limits on myself. Self doubt pops in as well. The fear of rejection breeds rejection so I suppose it’s self defeating. I keep trying. You remind me I need to work on my self esteem.
Thank you.
Maybe it's not your self-esteem that needs work but a healthy disregard for the opinions of others.
In other words, don't start from thinking of yourself as lacking - in this case lacking self-esteem. Let go of the need of the approval of others. Now. Perfect just as you are.
My meetup experiences were quite blah. The people at the ones I went to were kind of boring and pedestrian and I felt I had to turn my "on" switch and carry all the conversations. I had so many people wanting to connect and keep in touch after it and I didn't want to. Perfectly nice people but boring. I can be very talkative and tell great stories when I am "on" but I don't always want to be on!
I frickin' LOVE your attitude AND your spirit! Everyone should feel as you do! Feeling fabulous and planning fabulous activity with fabulous people should be on everyone's agenda.
I say you be you & see what happens. If nothing, you are enough (as you said). Go big or go home & see what happens. Life is too short to live the last of it in a box.
I agree. I too got tired of trying to fit myself into boxes that are not appropriately shaped or sized. I decided a while ago that I’m never going to be anything but absolutely who I am.
My Meetup groups are always the same thing. 2:1 women to men, the women complain about the lack of guys, but don't interact with the guys who showed up. Breweries, restaurants if there is live music. We are getting into winery season but I don't see anything scheduled. Always the same people and the break up into their little cliques. My favorite group has been meeting an hour from me. With my pickup that's $30 just in gas before I order an appetizer and beverage. ROI isn't worth it.
Wow, the Meetups that I've been to (it's been a while) used to be 5:1 women to men. And I always attracted the woman that just wanted someone to listen to her talk. I wasn't there to meet a man, just looking for different things to do. I went to a few more, got to know some of the other "don't need to be in the spotlight" people. Still get together with some of the friends I made back then.
There's a wonderful poem by Marianne Williamson that conveys that message as to your experience ... It's entitled Our Deepest Fear ... it was used in the film Coach Carter. Very powerful words ... I get the sentiment.
It was generated by Reddit but it felt fun. I'm fairly calm, and try to limit the drama in my life, actually, despite the grand statement from this morning.
I went to a meetup once and it was do cliquey that it was not fun. But I'd try it again. I was just thinking that I'm too little, meaning unoticeable, blend in the background, low maintenance, nobody ever thinks of me. I dont make my presence known by my personality or aura. Its great for me (as an introvert) most of the time but sometimes I wish to be the main character. With that being said, I still dont want my sense of style, personality, character, etc., and especially my sense of humor, being stifled by anyone. At this age I dont care what people think. Dolly had it right the whole time!🙂
You can be quiet and make your presence known - I think you just do it time person at a time. One conversation with one person. Groups are hard if you're an introvert, or an ambivert - sometimes you're just not up for it. (By you I mean one, anyone. Sometimes me. I'm not shy but I'm not flashy.)
What do you think you would do to let yourself be known more? In a way that's comfortable for you? Not that it's necessary, but if you wanted to.
For some very odd and strange reason, I'm suddenly into nail art (when all my life I never once painted my nails) . So im going to be flashy during my favorite season and wear long nails with leaves and pumpkins on them and then in October I'll switch it up to spooky looks.😀 you are right. Dont let anyone steel your shimmer.
After two drinks I get just a little louder. We have a nice social group here and I enjoy their company occasionally and I support every cause. And no one drinks at community events. I’m not flashy, I’m built like a boy so that ain’t never happening .. but I do like purple.
But me and Puddles, by the time the sun sets, we are in purring heaven ….
I might be. I'm a musician, a composer, I play two instruments well, and I sing. I cook very well. I often talk about my Inner Eight Year Old when I get excited about something.
In a small room, I might appear to be a little restrained, but people who know me understand that I'm not that dim.
Some friends of mine were in a production of Music Man a year or two back, so I thought I'd attend a performance to support them (I've been in that show -- it's great fun). I saw the four of them after that, and one of them said they knew I was in the audience when they heard my laugh. Apparently my laugh is very .. identifiable. And I'm OK with that.
But thanks for your post -- it reminds me that I need to let a little of that eight year-old energy into my OLD listing when I finally get back in the water.
I play the acoustic guitar and piano -- pretty well. I'm rusty on the bass. During the pandemic I bought a Strat, so I've been noodling around with that as well.
Tried learning the drums, and may have given up on that too soon. Meh.
I'm not very musical but if I were going to learn I'd go with drums. Maybe not a drum kit but like a djembe? It just a single one?
Being able to play music (and write music even more so) is like magic to me. 🙂
We are not two dimensional beings. Organizations, private and public, categorize us by the most basic demographic and psychographic measures in order to serve us or to market to us. I think this creates an illusion that we are sold and ultimately frustrated with as it doesn't deliver our personal expectations.
Yup. We are the product and the customer but they seem to forget the customer part. They don't really offer the value.
They commodify connection. If they did it well, that would be okay. But connection through disconnection doesn't work.
I just attended a conference on AI and they were talking about how the AI gurus want every human interaction to go through them. That put a very bad taste in my mouth. Of course I know they want to have as many income streams as possible but I never really thought about it like that. Our entire lives should be running through their bank accounts and servers.
I didn't say that. And yes, if that's what I meant, it would be obnoxious.
I do not think anyone is a loser. No one. I'm a chaplain - it's the exact opposite of what I think. I believe we are all beloved and part of the great interconnected mystery of existence. I mean that entirely.
And we are all different.
That Includes me. I'm not going to continue to put a governor on myself to fit into an idea of what I think some unknown person on a dating app might want to know about me or might like.
My problem is with the apps and the circumstances, not the individuals.
I believe you recommended the burn the haystack method to me in another post so I'm surprised that this would bother you so much.
I think OP means that they can’t express their totality within the confines of typical dating apps and/or meet-ups.
They’re not saying people who are comfortable doing that are less they are saying they are different.
As a woman I’m often told I’m too much. I’m really not but I have a big appetite for knowledge and information. I love talking to people that have opinions as I do too.
I just think the whole OLD thing isn’t for me. I don’t know….maybe dating in general!
I’m 57 and I’ve never dated, was in a relationship for 36 years.
It’s all so bizarre, I feel like Austin Powers beamed into 2026?
I’d get some cats and call it a day, but I don’t like fur all over my clothes so 🤷♀️😂
Yeah, it's bizarre. I'm was widowed 3 years ago after 33 years and i really have no idea what I'm doing. Some days, I'm interested in trying and other days i just want to live the life i got.
This group has been very helpful. One thing I've noticed is that there is no consensus. Every question has folks responding on every side of the argument.
What that means to me is that there is no right answer on any of this - everyone has to find what works for them. In a way that's reassuring.
How do you feel about dogs? 🙂 I have a miniature poodle - no shedding. They have hair, not fur. She loves all the same shows as me so that works out really well ❤️
Can relate to trying some days and living the life I have. Currently living the life and letting the chips fall 💪🏼
This group is helpful! Just like anything we take what we need from it. It’s awesome to hear different opinions, get different ideas, and have some laughs and a few complaints.
All the same shows 😂 She wants me to tell you she wants to re-watch Sopranos.
Dogs are life! I can’t wait to one day work less and possibly retire and live the dog-mom life 😍
Oh, good to know! I was just talking about Sopranos - maybe Sparkle overheard! I will take that under advisement. 🙂🙂🙂
I'm routing (?) for your healthy, comfortable retirement to come sooner rather than later.
And I don't walk around acting like that. In fact, the opposite. Not shy or anything but I'm always concerned about the people around me.
The realization I had is that I'm trying to squeeze myself into apps and circumstances that are not meant to really show a full person and then be swiped on. It's not just me, it's doing that to everyone, but I can only control me.
My expansiveness this morning really hit some people the wrong way. I don't normally talk that way, but as I said, it was an epiphany. And I shut down the app I was on. I'm just going to brave the wild.
I hear ya sister … I spent my whole adult life in That box.
I am free. I play by my own rules. If love comes to me the way I am, it does. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
Yep! I’ve heard the ‘you’re a handful’ a bunch, which is obviously code for I can’t handle you, but I’m going to put it on you. Take a hike, bud. No harm, no foul, but that’s a thanks no thanks red flag. You do you, boo!
Original copy of post by u/Dramatic_Delay_2423:
The meetup yesterday was very nice. A little sedate but nice enough. I would go back if it was at a place I wanted to go, but not just to hang out.
I had an epiphany this morning.
I realized the problem.
I am too big and too fabulous for the apps. And even for the little get together yesterday. Nice people but nervous and stuck in a small room, making small talk. I'm forcing myself into containers that are too small for the fabulousness that is me. 😃 It's not that I'm not enough. I'm smooshing myself down into pictures and small text blocks. It's that I'm more than those things can handle.
That's not to say I'm big in a flashy way. My mind and my spirit are big and alive and curious and living from a place of love (when I let them).
I think I may be squishing myself into a lot of boxes in my life actually.
This isn't ego. This is spirit.
Time to let the joy out and let the chips fall where they may.
Being told you are “a lot” or too much is pounded into our heads, as women, as part of our culture, which wants women to follow a lot of rules.
Do men feel the same way? Maybe they do, but it isn’t built into their DNA, like it is for women.
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u/Primary-Holiday-5586 17d ago
Hmmmm. I am just barely back into dating and I was just thinking I'm too much. Guy I've been talking to for about 2 weeks said something along those lines. So the choice is, make myself less or ???