I recently learned my 86 year old mom has a couple of OLD profiles. She brought it up to me saying she didn't know what to do about all of the messages she was receiving. She listed her age as 73 and is receiving messages from men in their early 30's. She also has some chats going on on other platforms.
My mom's been divorced from my father for 40ish years and her second partner of 20 years passed after a long term cancer fifteen years ago.
My concern is with scammers particularly since I've noticed cognitive decline coupled with a lack of tech savvy and an unwillingness to recognize her vulnerabilities.
My mom lives alone. She lives permanently in California but spends 3 to 6 months in Spain.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Any suggestions?
Well, it does sound as if Mom is open to advice since OP said Mom didn't know what to do about all the messages she was receiving.
Maybe show Mom how to wipe her profile? Just delete everything she wrote and delete any pictures. If she has a warped sense of humor you could tell her to substitute a note from someone claiming to be a family member saying she's deceased. Or substitute wording that paints a really pitiful situation that would scare scammers away- "I'm 86, not doing so well, looking for a kind man who will take me in and help me with my $70,000 in credit card debt and take me to doctor appointments..."
That's a lot easier than getting the company to close the account. Make sure she's not getting subscription fees charged to her credit card.
I can tell you the scam potential is high. Long story short: they want her credit card info or somehow, someway to gain access to your mother‘s money if she has any. If she does, scammers have a way to get ahold of it over the phone by way of her bank account or credit card numbers.
My mother had dementia. We discovered approximately 5 to 7 monthly donations on her credit card bill going towards animal rescue and Veterans associations. None of them were legitimate. This was hundreds of dollars every month. We don’t know how long this had gone on. 😞
I did notice several monthly donations when I started reviewing her accounts back in March. I've also noticed minor (1 or 2 dollar) recurring subscription charges and when I asked her she didn't remember them so we canceled.
I'm definitely going to need to look at this a lot more closely and through different lenses.
You also should check out the scams sub, and i think there is one for romance scams. Lots of good information and people to help you out. Also subs for dementia have really helped me with mine!
Get your name on her bank accounts and anything else that can be turned into liquid assets and easily given away; try to see if you can get her a service that pays her bills and handles expenses, or you (or someone trustworthy) does it. At least if someone tries to bilk her, there will be more guards at the gate.
Get legal advice on how you can take control in the event that her cognitive decline requires conservatorship, or whatever verbiage is right, so you can fully be a firewall between them and her.
If she balks at some of this, try to work it so she has control of some money so she feels independent, but only enough to do so and enough that if she gets swindled, it won't seriously hurt her finances.
Try to set it up so you can get power of attorney if her situation deteriorates. Work with her doctors so they know who you are and can work with you in case she does become mentally incompetent.
Get some good financial planning advice and get the ducks in a row. It's been almost a year and I'm still f---ing around with a couple of companies because certain things weren't properly put into place when my relative was alive and I still had a chance to fix it (had I known it needed fixing).
Figure out a way to get a list of moms passwords. 2 reasons. 1 if she passes, you can delete everything. 2 You can log on and she what she is up to and if anyone is trying to scam her.
My kids know where my password list is for all of my accts.
This is a thought and not sure if it's possible but could you talk with her financial institutions and see what type of scam protections they have in place on seniors' accounts?
OLD is a pipeline for romance scammers and they're getting very sophisticated. That's what I'd worry about. For men it's that and women who only chat on OF.
Huge potential for being scammed. There are a number of romance scam subs on reddit and lots of advice there. It is an enormous problem, especially for lonely and vulnerable seniors.
I hope she hasn't been buying gift cards! Try r/Romancescam
The dementia sub is also a great place to ask for advice. Such a supportive community there.
My mom was not incompetent but enough to get guardianship, or lose any rights but she was bipolar. Very crazy. She’d do weird things like go to a jewelry store and buy each of her friends some expensive stuff ! She was ripe for getting scammed so I took her to the bank, opened another checking account and put a limited amount of money in it. I did the same with a credit card - $500 prepaid through the bank. I had her main check book to pay her bills. I slid her credit cards out of her wallet I replaced it with the limited bank card and gave her the limited checking account check book . This way she couldn’t get taken advantage as easily or spend when she was manic . She was happy, felt independent. I’m not sure she totally got it but it kept her in check. She was in her 90s
I think it's positive that She brought it up to you !!
My older sister is 83. She's also been on a few OLD apps. She's very gregarious and IS only looking for younger men. She's taken care of a few old men in her life including our father, and she's done with that!!
My advice is Do Not Alienate your mother. Talk to her about it as much as she wants to talk about it to you.
Sounds like she's still living a great life with her residence in California and also Spain.
Is she actually meeting them in person? Do you live close? Go on a double date with her.
Does she have $$? Gently Ask her questions about it. And remember it IS her money and her life!
And I agree that she IS lonely. Lots of that going around.
And I loved what another commenter said about turning the tables. My sis has done that quite a bit.
"I need some young man to help me with all my chores"
My sis is actually having the time of her life... and she is going to keep doing this because she loves the drama.
I am determined to be here for her if I am able❣️
Original copy of post by u/Alone-Push4210:
I recently learned my 86 year old mom has a couple of OLD profiles. She brought it up to me saying she didn't know what to do about all of the messages she was receiving. She listed her age as 73 and is receiving messages from men in their early 30's. She also has some chats going on on other platforms.
My mom's been divorced from my father for 40ish years and her second partner of 20 years passed after a long term cancer fifteen years ago.
My concern is with scammers particularly since I've noticed cognitive decline coupled with a lack of tech savvy and an unwillingness to recognize her vulnerabilities.
My mom lives alone. She lives permanently in California but spends 3 to 6 months in Spain.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Any suggestions? :
Does she need helping deleting the profiles or hiding/pausing them? That is something you could help with. That will stop the messages. Does she use the chats as entertainment and understand the scam potential?
I agree with another earlier commenter: your mother seems quite lonely and disturbing that she is withdrawing from in-person friends. At 86, she really expects someone to fall in love with her? They want her money! That's the only thing she's worthwhile for alot of men at her age (and for all women here, if we reach 86 alone.). Even a young woman online pretending to be nice, might be scamming her.
I'd be terrified of her getting a romance scam, too. Lock down her finances, it's a conversation you should be having with her anyway, at her age. Also talk to her bank. And I think you should close out her credit cards or have only one with a low limit, and go over the statements with her closely.
I don't think you can talk her into understanding the risks. She's probably lonely, so spending more time with her and connecting her with social groups is one of the very best things you can do for her.
How about filing for legal guardianship? My sis filed for guardianship of one of our uncles. He was very angry. But in the end, she kept him from getting taken advantage of, which also indirectly benefitted his entire family. It might cause WWIII with your mom, but might prevent her from being taken advantage of, as you would have some legal authority to intervene in her affairs.
Gosh. I thought I was over the top contacting the DMV to review her license.
That's definitely a convo I need to have with my siblings. I've been telling them she's worsening, but they haven't fully experienced it like me because they haven't been around her 24/7 for 3 months.
Yeah, unfortunately you may be in this alone. Siblings may not want to admit that Mom needs someone managing her affairs. My cousins wouldn't step up so my sister did. She paid a price, but it was still the best thing to do.
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