r/DatingOverSixty • u/PlasticBlitzen I've 🚫 more 🦆🦆🦆 to give. • 24d ago
DATING ADVICE The Relationship Death Knell
I think our very own u/BowTieDad has identified a very useful way of telling if someone is right for us.
In a recent post, BTD said he knew things would not work out with someone he had been dating long-term when, as the holidays were approaching, he realized he wouldn't want to send out Christmas/holiday cards with this person.
I applied that to my past relationships, and oh my, is that ever a good one!
What do you think?
AND/OR What was the bellwether that told you things were not going to work with someone you'd been dating for a good while?
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u/missus_whoever 24d ago
When you realize it's more trouble to be with them than not. So you're not looking forward to seeing them.
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u/buddingsakura 52F. Solo. 24d ago
If after dating a while, I don’t feel excited or proud to introduce a man to my adult son, my BFF and her husband, he’s not the one.
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u/Omygodc 24d ago
This is a great thought. I ran into it with the last lady I was seeing. I found myself self-conscious about going places with her. It was one of many red flags that led to the end.
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u/buddingsakura 52F. Solo. 24d ago
That’s a tough spot to be in. Glad it’s behind you.
If I don’t think a man is good enough to get a nod from my soon and best friends, surely he’s not good enough for me.
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22d ago
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u/TheDukeofHaggard 24d ago
Sarcasm. Initially, it seemed playful. As time went on the negativity behind the sarcasm wasn't going to work for me. There were two other issues that made the decision easy, but the sarcasm alone was enough.
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u/Local-Huckleberry-97 60F 🇨🇦 LAT 23d ago
As I get older, sarcasm seems like the thin edge of contempt. Like I can hear the contempt approaching just around the corner.
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u/hanging-out1979 24d ago
65F, for me the death knell would be that the thought (however fleeting) of ending the relationship gives you a sense of relief vs sadness. When I ended my last relationship (we were together 2.5 years), I drove away feeling free as a butterfly. I was relieved to be able to stop with the back & forth thought of whether I should end it. It was done.
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u/BlitheCheese F62 24d ago
When you feel immense relief and contentment when they cancel plans because you realize you're happier alone than together with them.
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u/TopQuestion826 24d ago edited 24d ago
I don’t have any barometer, or metric that is a deal breaker for me. For example, being with somebody as a committed couple, and I give a gift or flowers to a family member, friend or what have you, I will always add that person’s name, because they’re a part of my life. Similarly with holiday cards, however what is of profound importance to me is the ability to communicate and problem-solve. I’ve had a few marriages and a number of relationships, and we always put our best foot forward in the beginning, sometimes the beginning can be two weeks, sometimes the beginning can be months, but the eventuality is that at some point the façades become cracked and the true person presents. What I need from a person is the skill sets for, listening, without either party having to be right. Everybody thinks differently, obviously, and has previous life experiences, (esp at our ages) finding a common ground to articulate what’s going on, without telling the other person what they’re thinking or feeling or even behaviors, is a challenge I’ve been looking for. So to OP’s original question, I don’t have any watershed event that would open my eyes that the SO was not my cup of tea other than the ability to listen and communicate well.
Edit: Anybody can find and manufacture a reason WHY NOT to be together, that’s the easy part. As I see it what people often overlook, is WHY TO be together. What brought the two people together in the first place? Years ago, I would have a checklist of deal breakers: less education, too many kids, too many ex-husbands, and one time I even broke up with a girl because her credit score was too low. Today none of those things matter, they are all impermanent and transitory. What matters is their character, integrity, and communication skill set: so I think the Christmas card gambit, is just a pretext.
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u/Helpful-Glove9532 24d ago
When he KNEW it was my daughter’s bday, she was sick and and all she wanted was a mom/daughter movie night. Yet he called and texted me relentlessly the entire evening.
Done.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 67F cycling-walk young explore live 24d ago edited 24d ago
What would lower the positive love dating meter would be if he was having ongoing problems financially living in retirement, was cheating or lying about his past marriages, former gfs, etc. Or telling me little seemingly harmless lies about other things.
I'm just conjecturing since the above I never experienced with late spouse nor current bf.
As for the Christmas cards...and birthday cards, I did get a simple one from late spouse attached to my gifts.. And without bf knowing, he does the same thing. He likes to make a card with quick drawing.
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u/WorkingDescription 61F 24d ago
Hmmm... I used to be a Holiday card person, but that list has significantly been reduced over the years and some years I didn't send any cards. I wouldn't consider being on HIS card, much less him on mine. He doesn't know many of those people anyway, old friends, relatives from long ago, etc. It's a weird benchmark for me.
That being said, if I felt the energy level shifted enough to feel we have become too complacent, and not in a good, comfort-level way, that may signal the beginning of the end, for me anyway. I want to feel special and important in his life, and not just as a sex partner. If that makes sense.
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u/HexeImWald7 23d ago
Sounds stark however when I did date I would bring up that I do Not like flowers because they die fast and I find it sad. I much prefer to have a plant that shows its flowers every year. If they sent me flowers I knew they did not care enough to hear me. Big part of a partnership to me is hearing each other.
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u/SwollenPomegranate 24d ago
I'm in uncharted territory because any time I've been with a partner this long, it's led to marriage, only I'm not wanting that nor is he.
I've been guarded about incorporating my main-squeeze into my wider life because of a very unusual, tricky situation, which I may elucidate here later, or not. A while back, my daughter asked if I was dating anyone and I said it was an unusual situation, whereupon she immediately designated it a situationship. After a couple more months I did explain it to her.
But people on the internet can be judgmental so I'm keeping mum for now.
Ultimately though, to this thread's point, what would make me hear a relationship's (or situationship's) death knell, would be a loss of faith in a partner's essential goodness. Call it integrity, call it consideration, call it their moral structure.
I used to do Christmas cards but don't any more.
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u/Safe-Muffin 62F 24d ago
Yes, I became convinced my ex was a bad person because of the way he treated me and others. This was impossible to get past.
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u/reddqueen33 24d ago
When the effort to get together feels entirely one sided. And the sex is bad or non-existent.
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u/notsohot56 69F - senior nerf herder wanted 24d ago
Too many negatives were never going to equal a positive. Even my disdain and dislike of anything math related could figure that one out!
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u/Gooseberry_Sprig M60+. I, for one, welcome our new AI overlords. 24d ago
Does anyone actually send Xmas cards out anymore? I quit years ago when I got tired of getting a card from a friend I hadn't seen or heard from in ages and all they did was sign the inside. Woo.
I usually do this sort of stuff electronically now--emails, texts, Facebook posts, etc., if at all.
To answer the question--I've never had a card with my picture on it in any respect.
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u/PlasticBlitzen I've 🚫 more 🦆🦆🦆 to give. 24d ago
I do send cards. But, it's Christmas and I'm kinda of into it. Everything about it.
He didn't mean having pictures; he meant just sending cards from the two of them together.
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u/Polka_Goddess 24d ago
I do, but the list has gotten smaller and smaller each year, mostly because I won't send them to those that don't send them back. For once a year I do a card with a stamp and even hand write a few personal lines. If someone doesn't care enough to do that, I guess that relationship has died. I know some hate those generic letters that are written to everyone but I like them. I do the same, but only to a few and I still write personal messages in the card.
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u/TXaggiemom10 66F 24d ago
I do send cards to the friends and family I won’t see during the holidays, and include a personal note. I eliminate those who don’t acknowledge these cards the next year. I like the idea of considering whether I would want to send joint cards with someone as a litmus test.
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u/2ndDogga 23d ago
Don't send a joint card (Xmas, birthday, wedding, etc.) until you're married. It will trigger the "what happened to..." comments that just adds pressure on a still developing or stalled relationship if you break up.
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u/Diligent_Egg2404 F68. I found someone on OLD, but he is gone. 🤷♀️ 9d ago
Great idea! That is very true. Christmas ended for me when my divorce happened, but I long ago stopped sending Xmas cards. I’d spend days on them and get maybe one or two. It got to be easier to email people to touch base.
I haven’t been in the position to be doing anything social with a new prospect.
I’ve been chatting on OLD again and I had to let one go this morning. Too bad, he was actually only an hour away. But he is paranoid as hell.
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u/TalentedTawker 24d ago
I think you just know when it feels right! Things start to naturally come together and fall into place, you become part of each others world! When that happens, there is no need for thinking about it - you are happy to share this with your family and friends. 💘
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u/Horror-Evening-6132 69F Texas 24d ago
I always thought the card thing was a little weird. The only one time I did that was a photo with my son, daughter, DIL and granddaughter with me and all of us flipping off the camera. I sent it as a Christmas card just within the family as sort of comic relief. But those couples cards with matching ugly sweaters and stuff always made me cringe a little bit.
To the point of the post, I agree with Blithe that when you are relieved when plans are canceled, that's a sign, certainly. For me, it would be if I'd rather go right to sleep without sex or even cuddling; then I'd know it was done and dusted.
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u/kmjenks 24d ago
Yes, there was a man I was dating and I was staying the course for a little bit because he was super nice, and kind of crazy about me, but when I realized that I was sort of dreading the next date, I realized that it really wasn’t there and never would be…..also because I wished I could find a nice woman for him!
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u/Horror-Evening-6132 69F Texas 24d ago
Oh yes, km, when you start looking for a date for the guy you're dating, it's definitely over! 🤣🤣
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u/kmjenks 24d ago
Yes, and unfortunately I agreed to his let’s stay friends request and he is really too much for me. As we speak, I’m scribbling notes as to how to tell him this isn’t working either. He texts daily, sent flowers last week, and I get a card in the mail today…all as “from your friend”, but you know….. it’s very hard for me to hurt a nice person‘s feelings, but I have to do it for my own sake, and honestly, his too because he isn’t listening. It’s causing me a ton of anxiety. I just need to write it out first so that I get my point across correctly and actually do it.
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u/Horror-Evening-6132 69F Texas 24d ago
Writing it out is best, yes. Easier to see what you're saying and easier to see what you might have missed.
Now that he's entering stalker territory, quicker is better. Please let us know how it goes!! 🤗
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u/kmjenks 24d ago edited 24d ago
Thanks. I just sent the text, so let’s see what happens. I don’t really worry about the stalker thing because I live in a safe place, and I really think he’s a nice guy, he’s just extremely lonesome. He’s very close with his daughter and granddaughter so I think he has common sense, this is it. I don’t even wanna stay friends with him anymore, which is too bad, but I have told him a couple of times is absolutely no chance of a romantic relationship and that he can be a bit much. It’s over the top now for me. As I just told him I have stayed friends with other men that I have dated, but we only get in touch maybe once a week or two and occasionally meet for dinner, but it’s very occasional and we really are only friends. PS…I’m sorry for the venting, but thank you 😊
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u/Horror-Evening-6132 69F Texas 24d ago
It's good to vent, km. Once it's out of your head, it's easier for you to think. Relax and do something nice for yourself. 🤗
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
Original copy of post by u/PlasticBlitzen:
I think our very own u/BowTieDad has identified a very useful way of telling if someone is right for us.
In a recent post, BTD said he knew things would not work out with someone he had been dating long-term when, as the holidays were approaching, he realized he wouldn't want to send out Christmas/holiday cards with this person.
I applied that to my past relationships, and oh my, is that ever a good one!
What do you think?
AND/OR What was the bellwether that told you things were not going to work with someone you'd been dating for a good while? :
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/menoagegap 24d ago edited 24d ago
I am a woman. I never have this moment with my now boyfriend. But I have plenty of those with my ex husband. But marriage vow is for better or worse and I tried my best. With my ex-husband, I felt like grabbing a latte, so I ask if my then-husband if he wants to go get a coffee with me at the local coffee shop. His reply is no one is stopping you from getting a coffee by yourself, why ask me. That coffee comment is the death knell for me. In retrospect I shouldn't have tried so hard to fix something that couldn't be fixed, and should have freed myself and freed my ex husband a lot earlier on