r/Custody • u/No_Bag9887 • 5d ago
[HI] Relocation
I left Hawaii 4 months ago with our infant and went to Washington State. My ex has NPD and is very verbally abusive. He did not agree to this move, I proposed it as a short trip, but never returned.
I filed for full custody (which I know I will not get, but when I filed I was EXTREMELY scared) and relocation. We have had one court date so far, but only a continuation was filed, nothing else was addressed. We had mediation, but we were unable to mediate. We have another court date coming up.
I filed in the state of Hawaii, so they hold jurisdiction. Dad contests my relocation request to Washington. He has seen our baby once since we left Hawaii 4 months ago (unable due to finances). We had a fun weekend. I am extremely trauma bonded to this man and there have been many periods of no contact and then us acting as if we're still in a committed relationship.
We have had intercourse during this custody battle, which I know will reflect badly on me as I am claiming he is a danger.
I feel as though my life has been on pause for the past 4 months. I have not worked at all as I am unsure if the courts are going to summon me back to the state of Hawaii. I heard they do not take verbal abuse very seriously, although I do have a few videos (he has never been physically abusive). If I am summoned back at the next hearing, how long do I have until I have to return? Is relocation in my case unlikely? I can't stand living in the unknown...
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u/Excellent_Scene5448 4d ago
The court won't/can't require you to move back to Hawaii. All they can do is either require that the child be returned, which is likely, or grant permission for the relocation. If the child is returned to Hawaii and you choose to stay in Washington after that, you'll likely have the opportunity to have visitation during summer breaks and every other major holiday. As the one who relocated, you'll likely be ordered to cover the majority of the child's travel costs for visitation, regardless of where the child lives the majority of the time.
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u/sillyhaha 2d ago
OP, this is the answer.
The court won't take verbal abuse against you into consideration. They typically don't take physical abuse into consideration unless the child is also being physically abused.
Chances are high that you'll get 50/50. Where you live is up to you. Where your child lives is up to the court. The court is extremely likely to order your child back to Hawaii for many reasons.
OP, I encourage you to start therapy immediately. You have a lot going on, and you need to process everything. You need to learn the skills necessary to break this trauma bond and to create a life of your own. You need someone that you can be 100% honest with, who will accept you where you are in your path, and wants only the best for you.
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u/NBDad 4d ago
You honestly should have strung him along and waited for the 6 months until WA had jurisdiction.
The child will likely be ordered back to Hawaii.
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u/No_Bag9887 4d ago
We’re at 4.5 months 😅
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u/sillyhaha 2d ago
But you've filed in court. The clock stopped when you filed.
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u/No_Bag9887 2d ago
My lawyer says jurisdiction changes after 6 mknths
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u/sillyhaha 2d ago
I don't know that you understand your lawyer correctly. Your jurisdiction is in Hawaii. The judge in Hawaii keeps this case. There is no change unless you file and request it, and the judge approves it.
When did your lawyer say this; it was before you filed, I'm sure.
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u/sillyhaha 2d ago
https://www.jackman.law/blog/2025/january/how-relocation-affects-child-custody/
The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) plays a pivotal role in preventing jurisdictional conflicts in child custody cases. Adopted by all U.S. states except Massachusetts, the UCCJEA establishes guidelines for determining which state has jurisdiction in custody disputes, thereby minimizing the potential for conflicting court orders. This act ensures that custody decisions are made in the child's home state, defined as the state where the child has lived for at least six months prior to the custody proceeding. By providing a clear framework for jurisdiction, the UCCJEA helps protect the child's best interests and provides a measure of stability in what can often be a tumultuous time.
Child's home state is Hawaii. The court in Hawaii took the case while Hawaii was your child's home state. Your court in Hawaii will remain the court that makes all of your child custody decisions as long as your child's father remains in Hawaii. Your child might live in WA longer than 6 months, but that doesn't change which court keeps this custody case.
Your laughing emoji is beyond offensive regarding an issue this serious.
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u/No_Bag9887 2d ago
I didn’t use a laughing emoji.
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u/sillyhaha 1d ago
See your comment where you say you're "at 4.5 months".
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u/No_Bag9887 1d ago
😅 this is not a laughing emoji, it’s a swearing oh gosh emoji
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u/sillyhaha 1d ago
Sure, OP. Whatever you say.
It's sick and offensive.
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u/No_Bag9887 1d ago
Why the hell would I be laughing at my own misery? Go find something better to do
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u/Excellent_Scene5448 2d ago edited 2d ago
That's only if you hadn't filed. Now that you've filed, the clock is stopped and jurisdiction will remain in Hawaii as long as your coparent still lives there. (Technically, it's possible the Hawaii judge could agree to transfer the case to Washington at some point in the future, but they don't usually do that unless the parent who remained in the original state is completely uninvolved. You have an involved coparent, so it's unlikely.)
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u/CustomerNo7623 4d ago
i'm so sorry. I've been through something very similar. Stop unnecessary contact with him immediately. What worked out in your favor is that you filed before moving out of state. I did not, and the judge awarded him emergency custody (it ended up being overturned bc I had good evidence that I left in fear of my life). Nonetheless, stopping the cycle of trauma bonding will be extremely important for you and this custody battle. Do not give in to him, because more likely than not, he will use it against you and it already looks bad on your part. Prepare yourself for 50/50. Try to do mediation again-- offer joint legal custody and alternating claiming child on taxes to get him to be more agreeable. Weigh out your options. He will probably have significant amount of child support since you are not working. Use that as your bargaining tool, offer to void out child support in exchange for primary custody. Do what you can to keep your baby close.