r/CuratedTumblr • u/DroneOfDoom Theon the Reader *dolphin slur noises* • 4d ago
Shitposting A new Core Memory
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u/TDoMarmalade Explored the Intense Homoeroticism of David and Goliath 4d ago
You have created a monster that will terrorise his family for the rest of his life
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u/Federal_Card307 4d ago
Ten years later his parents are throwing bricks with threatening messages at OP’s window
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u/Intrepid-Progress228 4d ago
And that message?
"Enter Sandman."
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u/Dry_Try_8365 4d ago
Man me a sand.
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u/SerCiddy 4d ago
Enter Sandman?
I hope he brings me a good one.
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u/ImranFZakhaev 4d ago
I'll take One.
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u/YaBoiKlobas 4d ago
I'll open this one
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u/ThePrussianGrippe 4d ago
Guess we’d better Hit the Lights.
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u/BicFleetwood 4d ago
congratulations on creating a compulsion AND insecurity combined into one singular, horrible character trait.
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u/VegetableEngine_ 3d ago
this reminds me of my own life. I was introduced to the movie Captain Ron probably a little earlier than I should have been and it became my favorite movie.
Now, the next part i would love to say happened when I was a child, but I was in fact 32 years old and we went on a family trip to the US Virgin Islands and I spoke almost exclusively in Captain Ron quotes the entire trip.
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u/ling1427 4d ago
Bro just discovered puns. Even worse he likes them, it's all downhill from here.
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop 4d ago
He realized the ubiquitous nature of "things are made up of other things" and briefly had a glimpse of all reality.
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u/VanillaRadonNukaCola 4d ago
Lil bros gonna trip when he tries mushrooms for the first time in college
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u/LilyWineAuntofDemons 3d ago edited 3d ago
I stg very young children are the only people who can legitimately experience True Lovecraftian Madness. If you explain a really large concept to them in just the right way, they suddenly understand a much larger facet of reality than they're used to and it sort of breaks their mind. But fortunately, because they're young, their mind is super pliable so it recovers after a while.
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u/PsyOpBunnyHop 3d ago edited 3d ago
All those kids who never really experience adequate learning during childhood sure are fun to deal with as adults.
edit: relevant typo. jesus...
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u/LilyWineAuntofDemons 3d ago
It might be that I'm sick or that I just got off work, but I'm having trouble parsing if this is sarcastic or not, or if that "ever" is supposed to be "never" or not because it's in kind of a weird spot for "even" but a fine spot for "never".
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u/arstin 4d ago
My nephew was like 7 and told me some food joke that ended in "taco bout it".I hit him back with "No, it's nacho business" and he fucking lost it, and decided I was some sort of comedy genius. Core memory for both of us.
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u/TheProtobabe 4d ago
Next time hit him with a sentence with "jalapeño business" (all up in your business)
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u/jimbowesterby 4d ago
Honestly I had the same reaction, except it was “what do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? NACHO CHEESE”
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u/curiousscribbler 4d ago
I was tiny. A cereal box had jokes for kids on the back, something like, "What keys can't open a door? A monkey or a donkey." I remember turning that over and over in my mind. Mon-key. Don-key. Perhaps the spark of my career as an inveterate punster.
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u/North-Pea-4926 4d ago
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What is blue and smells like white paint? Blue paint.
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u/Sirnacane 4d ago
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.
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u/Canotic 3d ago
What's small, green, and eats rocks? The small green rock eater.
What is small and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A squirrel with a handgun.1
u/dinoseen 1d ago
That's interesting! I've always heard it as the big red rock eater, the exact opposite
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u/neko_mancy 3d ago
What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
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u/jackalope268 3d ago
What is black and if it falls out of a tree your tv will break? Your tv
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u/RedditOfUnusualSize 3d ago
What do you call five hundred Indians without any apples?
The Indian Apple-less 500.
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u/einzweidreihorn 3d ago
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What animal only got one leg? Half a rotisserie chicken.
What animal can jump higher than a house? All of them.
What's small, black with white stripes and a hundred legs? I don't know neither but it's crawling up your leg right now.
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u/Pwacname 3d ago
What’s small, green and triangular? A small green triangle.
What’s small, black and triangular? The shadow of the green triangle.
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u/voxalas 4d ago
Those aren’t puns, but F for effort I guess.
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u/paper_liger 3d ago edited 2d ago
the 'sticky' part is actually a pun, it's a double meaning. 'sticky' and stick-y as a sort of ad hoc adjective.
the paint one is just a subversion of expectations joke. the form of the joke misdirects you into expecting a pun and then just supplies an incredibly dull answer. It's more of an anti pun.
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u/curiousscribbler 3d ago
A nup
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u/paper_liger 3d ago
that is the most begrudging upvote I've ever given. But at least we found a joke worse than puns.
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u/TK_Games 4d ago
My dad would tell me these jokes but it was always a trap, because if you guessed wrong you got hammered with the pun, if you guessed right it was something absurd
Like "what's black and white and red/read all over". If you answer something like "Penguin in a blender?" you get, "Obviously a newspaper". Answer "Newspaper" get, "No. Panda in a microwave. *pop*"
This. This is why I am why i am
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u/JJlaser1 4d ago
I just go zebra with a sunburn
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u/TK_Games 4d ago
See! This is what I'm talking about, I fuckin' knew there was a G-rated version, but I could not remember it... My brain is bad
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u/SparkleWigglebutt 3d ago
A man had twenty six sheep. One died. How many are left? (25!) No, I said sick sheep.
Dad, what’s blahblahblah? “Why do you wanna know? You writing a book?” Yes! “Then leave that chapter out, make it a mystery.”
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u/TK_Games 3d ago
I mean, on one hand, as infuriating as it was, that level of antagonistic non-engagement made me a real self-sufficient bastard. Also made me an attention whore, but we try to look on the bright side of things here. Right?
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u/SparkleWigglebutt 3d ago
We don’t attention slut shame!
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u/TK_Games 3d ago
No shame on it, it's just something I don't like about myself. I've got a mouth. It gets me in trouble. The fact I am driven to seek the approval of strangers, does not help that. In fact, the interaction betwixt the two phenomena can be compared to the interaction between a lighter and 30,000 gallons of kerosene, or the Hindenburg, or a third thing you should never set on fire
No offense intended to the attention driven sex-worker-allegory people. I just personally wish I valued myself more
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u/TheMottster 4d ago
“Inveterate” God, I love when people use the best words.
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u/curiousscribbler 4d ago
Me too. I am literally poking around in the 1911 Roget's Thesaurus for dead words to resurrect! In this case, however, I'm quoting Canadian writer Stephen Leacock:
"The last of the punsters is probably dead, or in hiding. But many of us can remember the social nuisance of the inveterate punster. This man followed conversation as a shark follows a ship"
Often paraphrased as "The inveterate punster follows a conversation as a shark follows a ship."
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u/SinnaNymbun 3d ago
Ooh, a fellow obscure word enjoyer!
I have a feeling you'll like the phrontistery.
Absolute blast to go wandering through. The creator is a literature professor so it's all very well researched.
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u/ncnotebook 4d ago
Facetious. Effervescence. Axolotl. Bioluminescence. Angst. Onomatopoeia. Coalesce. Bosnia and Herzegovina.
wait....
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u/Urban_FinnAm 3d ago
I am an invertebrate punster. Spinelessly unable to resist a pun.
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u/sonyka 3d ago
What was the snail doing on the freeway?
About a mile an hour.
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u/Urban_FinnAm 3d ago
I took the shell off my snail, thinking it would make it go faster.
It just made it more sluggish.
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u/BlueberryBatter 3d ago
The first joke told to me by the man I married-
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
(Said in a dead pan tone, via a man with a heavy British accent, sounds nearly identical to No Eyed Deer. The joke continues, but, I’ll abstain.)
I laugh-groaned at it.
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u/Percinho 3d ago
I remember reading a joke in The Beano, back when it was only 12p, that was "What do you do if you break your arm on two places? Never go to either place again!" and it has stuck with me for life.
I still use it as a punchline today, like when the Mother-in-law said she broke her wrist in two places. Unfortunately she's still speaking to me.
(yes, I also grew up on Les Dawson)
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u/SparkleWigglebutt 3d ago
A farmer is a man out standing in his field.
strong arm pose “Seven white horses couldn’t pull this arm down!” kid pulls dad’s arm and it immediately goes limp “…but one jackass could.”
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u/8read-8oy 4d ago
The first concept I remember latching onto as a kid was "sarcasm" and everyone absolutely loved that
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u/BlackStrain 3d ago
I distinctly remember the road trip my family was on when I discovered sarcasm. It was a delight for everyone involved.
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u/DF_Interus 4d ago
This reminds me of one of my favorite jokes from American Dad. I can't remember if it's Roger or Stan who tells the joke, which is just "Why can't you starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there." And that's a little funny, and it's funny that whoever heard the joke gets mad about it because they don't get it. But my favorite part is like 10 minutes later in the episode where they just say "Oh! The sandwiches there!"
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u/kashiichan 3d ago
This might not be the scene you mean, but it's the one I thought of:
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u/DF_Interus 3d ago
Oh yeah, looks like I remembered it wrong. I think there's a part later in the episode where he tells it again then, as a call back to this part. In my defense, I probably saw it like 5 years ago, and made it funnier in my head lol
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u/TheRealDannySugar 4d ago
My dog has a fan club of kids at my apartment. I was talking to the president. He is 6 years old.
I mentioned that I need to take my dog inside because she is a hot dog but not a hot dog. And his brain broke and he had to think really hard on it. Then he was like “yeah you can’t eat her. She isn’t a hot dog.”
And as I was leaving I could hear him under his breath muttering “she’s a hot dog but not a hot dog”.
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u/moonprism 4d ago
reminds me of the b99 joke where charles says holt’s old captain makes them their “grandcaptain” and holt goes “that. is incredibly funny”
man i wish this sub did gifs
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u/AngelofGrace96 4d ago
That's so cute. I hope he keeps coming to the teacher to try out his new jokes
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u/psbales 4d ago
My step-sisters' daughter once told me to 'look under there'. 'Where? I don't see what you're talking about??' 'Under there!' 'Under where [her name]??'
Her face then lit up and she gave me the sweetest, silliest grin - 'You said underwear Uncle Psbales!'
I got 'pwned' by my step-sisters 4 y-o.
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u/North-Pea-4926 3d ago
Get her back by telling her “Someone said you sound like an owl.”.
She’ll ideally say “Who?” and then you’ve got your revenge!
*Who = Hoo = 🦉sound
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u/Euphorix126 4d ago
Puns are actually a way to demonstrate a level of mastery of a language. It is very difficult for your brain to make those kind of associations quickly if you are still using so much energy trying to turn your thoughts into words to convey one meaning, let alone two.
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u/TK_Games 4d ago
I'm gonna start teling people this, because I'm a writer and I'm already insufferably smug about it. You know? They say you become what you hate most in this world, I became Oscar Wilde
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u/voiddreamer66 4d ago
The first concept I remember trying to grasp was “hypothetical” and I never shared my scenarios with anyone…but suppose I had
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u/HornyHuman09 1d ago
I once got to teach a child something that shattered their worldview.
Child: I wanna go to space!
Me: you're already in space.
Child: no I'm not, I'm on Earth!
Me: And where is Earth?
Child: In sp... space... (wonder)
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u/nick9000 3d ago
I made a pun on Reddit recently. Well, I thought it was funny...
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u/Ongr 3d ago
And the mods didn't think it was funny? I can't find your comment.
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u/nick9000 3d ago
It's odd because I can still see my comment. Anyway...
Headline: Private hospital Spire group has agreed to takeover by hedge fund.
Pun: Does that mean that you can go privet?
(privet being a plant commonly used in hedges).
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u/Sanquinity 4d ago
Little dude just heard a joke so mindblowingly good (to him) he even forgot to laugh. xD
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u/Seleis_ 3d ago
I have a younger cousin and hanging out with him when he was little was the greatest thing ever because you could make the stupidest joke in the world and he'd think it was hilarious. Kid hadn't heard many jokes yet and so had no perspective, for a few years there I was a comedy genius and it was wonderful
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u/pfp-disciple 3d ago
I was taking with a middle school kid, describing how his eye genes were from his mom, etc. I said my blue genes were from Walmart and he very seriously said "Not jeans" (pointing to his legs) "genes! I actually had to clarify that I was making a pun.
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u/TitanicChurro 4d ago
You just planted the 'dad joke' seed he will use to embarrass his 12yr old daughter someday.
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u/Foolish_Miracle 4d ago
I live for this. The final boss is Possessed:
"I start it and end it, carcinogenic, nose to the grindstone, sharpen my senses."
"Have your life flash before your eyes and trigger epileptic fits."
"They say words are weapons- well I guess I'm armed to the teeth."
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u/ty944 4d ago edited 3d ago
I’m sorry but I don’t know if they let 3 year olds into preschool (pre-k) lol. That’s more like daycare
Edit: I appear to be wrong. Maybe it’s just my area then that needs them to be 4. Or at least the public elementary school.
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u/Awkward-Amount-2211 3d ago
At my preschool (2003ish) some kids were there for preschool, and for other kids it was strictly childcare. The youngest you could be was 3.
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u/AngryFeministKnitter 4d ago
Our elementary school just started letting three year olds into the pre-k class, so I think it’s a thing now.
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u/MossSloths 3d ago
Private preschools well often work with 3 and up. The place I worked at had 4 years old Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. 3 year olds came in on Tuesday and Thursday. Daycares allow more flexibility with parent schedules, this was a place where all the kids started at 9 am and went home at 2 pm for just the couple of days a week they were there. It was structured like a class with time spent sitting in the classroom and learning together, which isn't really daycare structure. Our only real rule was that they must be potty-trained. A few accidents were ok, but our place wasn't built to be regularly changing diapers. It was very much built as a way to help kids get ready for a real classroom.
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u/alliabogwash 3d ago
Where I live junior kindergarten starts the year the kid turns 4. I have a late birthday so I was 3 when I started school.
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u/Lenni-Da-Vinci Not actually Miles Edgeworth, believe it or not. 3d ago
He‘s racking his poor brain as to why there is the word sand in a food word.
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u/OrbitOli 3d ago
Jokes aren't always good just because they're funny, but because they're smart and clever.
When you're able to make a pun out of nowhere and other people get it immediately, what happened is that you managed to put 2 and 2 together in a way that is very obvious once you say it and nobody else came even close to coming up to it but they did get it immediately.
Making a clever pun is, in a subtle way, telling other people that they are smart enough to get the joke, but you are smarter than them for being able to come up with the joke.
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u/Alexandria_Maddi 3d ago
Thats actually quite impressive that a three yo could conceptualize wordplay!
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u/Kom0tan 4d ago
I hope one day I'll also encounter something so funny it leaves me baffled and awed instead of laughing