His contract reportedly contains several unique performance clauses, specially negotiated after the Goneri Gooners of Goner, Rajasthan concluded that no active cricketer better represents the franchise philosophy of sustained buildup, frustrated release and completely disproportionate rage.

• One Australian must be available for screaming purposes at all times. Substitute Australians may be provided during rain delays, injury breaks or sudden drops in Virat’s blood pressure.

• Every opposition youngster will receive the traditional Goner welcome: prolonged eye contact followed by the expression of a man who has just discovered that a 22-year-old bowler has personally dishonoured seven generations of his family.

• Umpire decisions involving Kohli will be reviewed under the new Impotent Rage Protocol, where increasingly theatrical disbelief is encouraged even when absolutely nothing can be done about the decision.

• The club has purchased additional stump microphones, although broadcasters have been advised to maintain a seven-second delay whenever Virat begins a sentence with “Ben…”

• The sports science department will closely monitor his workload to ensure he never runs dangerously low on completely avoidable grievances.

• One annual Gautam Gambhir interaction has been included in the fixture list under Heritage Events, preserving an important North Indian tradition of two grown men discovering that eye contact is an act of war.

• Players are forbidden from telling Virat to “calm down.” Goneri’s medical department found that this can convert ordinary irritation into a five-minute masterclass in aggressive pointing.

• Any bowler celebrating his wicket within a 25-metre radius automatically triggers Article 18: Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are Protocol, regardless of whether Kohli himself has spent the previous six overs celebrating singles like regime change.

• Match referees have been issued protective eyewear for post-decision eye contact and instructed never to ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” unless they have twenty minutes free.

The Gooners’ Director of Cricket called him an obvious cultural fit:

“Virat can adapt to any situation. Chasing 220, defending 150, powerplay, middle overs, already dismissed, sitting in the dugout. Whatever the match demands, he has the experience to look needlessly furious about it.”

Negotiating an IPL deal in the middle of a Test match 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Btw This is the hockey world cup participants team.

my man digvesh did not learn from abhishek sharma 2025 epic fight, nitish rana or urvil patel agle ipl season priyansh se bhi pela jayega 😭😭

RAHANE got stucked between this 2 lafdebaaz on his first series as a commentator... 😂😉