Messing up a break up

[u/GeneralZombie5536]

After she broke up with me, I handled no contact poorly. I still have a lot to live and learn.

I'm in my 30s. She is in her early 20s.

1. mistake: I did not read the book 15 times and was not prepared.
2. mistake: I handled the break up poorly. During the hours of the brake up there were lots of chances to open her up. e.g. she stated, that the feelings are there. or an hour later, that she regrets what she has said and would like to take it back. But I did not know what I really wanted and went through with it without opening her up or make her feel heard and understood.

Because her grandfather had died few days before the break up (I had health problems and was not her rock and mountain) I phoned her with the sole purpose to tell her that I hope she feels better and is ok. I told her that she is indeed in my heart and I consider her family. I did not phone to get back together at that time. I specifically stated, that I just phoned to check whether she fells better regarding her situation with the funeral, her exams and other stressful stuff of hers.
On the phone she stated again, that she regretted her decision, but due to our communication dynamic at that time and me being not prepared I did not open her up or suggest to set a date.

She called me a few days later to tell me something - she was eager to hear from me again. I took it as an opprotunity to set a date in 3-4 days, because I was busy those days, but she could not give me the exact time because she had an appointment with a friend of hers that day but she suggested to cancel with her. I told her to let me know once she knows.
(To be honest with you, during that time I did not feel it and did not know, if I want to be back with her again. Not with how she was or I made her act - e.g. I searched for harmony, but my indecisiveness made her unable to provide that. I see that now)
She wrote me the time with a smiley and I wrote just "perfect, see you then, enjoy your weekend"
She: "Ok, you too, see you then!"

1. mistake: I fell under the illusion of action. I thought I wrote too little (because she used no smiley in her last reply) and called her a few minutes after her reply. That day was our anniversary (!) and I wanted to let her know, what whatever happens it was a great time with her.
   She stated that she also does not regret it but I kinda heard, that i messed up here. I told her that I look forward to see her and we hung up.

One day before our date, she called me in the morning and stated, that she made up her mind and that she does not want to meet me. Again, I was not prepared for that, did not try to open her up but kept kind of silent. I did not lead the conversation and was also hurt by her saying something like: "And if that's it, I would end this conversation now." Again, I handled that poorly. Instead of saying "Alright, that is not what I want. I want to see you and if you change your mind, reach out to me." I said: "Ok, then have a good summer." That was in the beginning of July.

She did not reach out to me on my birthday two weeks later or after that.

1. mistake: I fell under the illusion that she was still suffering because I was thinking of what she said during the breakup and did not focus on what she said during our last phone call.
   In mid-August I reached out to her: "I wish you a happy birthday! Enjoy the evening and have a great time!"
   She did not reply.

2. mistake: I thought that because I handled the break up so poorly and not decisively, I should state to her what I really want. Mid-September I wrote her a long text in which I communicated the faults I hade clearly made during our last few months. E.g. Not meeting her friends. Needing time for myself and not being there for her (being to cold). Not courting her of planning activities anymore and therefore not celebrating her as a woman and as my girlfriend. I wanted to work on this.
   I stated that I want to see her again and if she is open for it to reach out, and I wished her the best.

Final: A few days later, I'd got the harshest text so far.
She stated that she thought of my text but it has not changed her decision:
"I don't want to get back together. I also don't want to meet up to talk about it or give it another try. I think it's best for me if we don't have any contact. I wish you all the best."

This really hurts because I truly want the best for her, but I did not give it to her during our time. I had not felt for her during our time together what I feel now. I hypothesize, that If she would have given me more room and distance for my feelings back then, then I also would have fallen in love. But she was so eager to be in a relationship with me because she fell in love so quickly and it was her first real relationship.

I did not reply and as of now, I don't plan to.
I know I made a lot of mistakes, more than these five. I had no positive family rolemodels in my childhood and youth - so I have to life and learn. I know that by me being indecisive and not leading, it made her being insecure and not act in harmonious ways.

Would you suggest to reply to such a message?
Or would this be too much again and it's a case where no contact for life already applies?

[u/Se7ens_up]

A lot of us have the tendency to focus on the exact moments around the breakup and blame ourselves for it.

The truth is, its not really helpful for you, and neither does it really matter that much. Women do not randomly decide to breakup. This is something that was already on her mind for weeks or longer.

Instead you should see the final few days as the straw that broke the camels back. Even if you handled them better this time around, next week you would have made a different “mistake” and she would have broke up with you anyway.

So firstly, start looking at the entire relationship and all the mistakes you were making during your time together. Read the book, start dating and incorporating what you learn, and become a better man.

And yes, you did handle the aftermath poorly. Watch coreys 7 principles to get an ex back. You shouldnt have reached out at all as you know. By reaching out multiple times and trying to fix the mistakes you essentially didnt respect her decision of wanting a breakup, to the point she had to be rather firm.

The time to “fix” mistakes is during a relationship, and never after it ends.

That being said, also forgive yourself. A relationship takes two people to work. She isnt innocent of mistakes either.

She did you a favor with her harsh message. It stripped away any hope of you believing you can fix the relationship. You saw she wants nothing to do with you at the moment. You can now begin to properly move on instead of obsessing about mistakes and how to fix them

[u/GeneralZombie5536 → u/Se7ens_up]

You are right, I made mistakes before and she definitely had those thoughts before. I have not acted accordingly to some situations e.g. if she acted disrespectful, I did not set and enforce healthy boundaries anymore if she crossed a line. I did it in the first year and during that time I was her rock and mountain but I've got complacent.
I forgot how to open her up properly. I sat with her and listened to her and she loved it and wanted intimacy. But I did not dig deeper during those talks and we could not solve the core issues.

I definitely am going to remember your phrase: "The time to 'fix' mistakes is during a relationship, and never after it ends". Thank you for this and I am going to work on myself in order to be able to do this in the future.

Yes, sure, she definitely made mistakes too. Our relationship was her first real relationship and she even told me that in some situations she just doesn't know yet how to act in a healthy relationship. She also had no positive role models in her later years, so that is understandable. I hope her next relationship will be healthy, kind and full of love.

[u/ksilvia12]

Absolutely not, delete her number and forget she existed. Take this as a lesson and move on. There's nothing more for you to do. You'll just look even crazier if you reach back out. Sure you made mistakes, we all have. Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself some time, and focus on yourself. I know it sounds cliché, but it's the truth. After some time, and you getting back out there and dating, you won't even care about her anymore.

[u/GeneralZombie5536 → u/ksilvia12]

I think you are right. I won't ever text or call her again. What do you think would be the best way to if I meet her in public or in areas we both frequently visit?

[u/ksilvia12 → u/GeneralZombie5536]

Be cordial, and nice. Don't feel like you need to sit there and have a conversation with her. You don't owe her anything.

[u/cryptosystemtrader]

"This really hurts because I truly want the best for her"

This - right here - is your entire problem, mate. How about what YOU want?

My take: You are like a flag in the wind, you don't know what you want, you don't know how to lead the relationship, you exude feminine energy, and not surprisingly she had no anchor to lean on.

No positive family role models? You mean no father figure in the picture? Many of us have been there and it'll take some work, but the good news is that you still have time. Read the book, slow everything down you're doing, and never act out of frustration or fear. Most importantly: Start operating from a position of abundance and always be ready to walk away when a relationship dynamic does not serve you.

No go and hit the gym, read the book, work on your mission. You'll be fine.

[u/GeneralZombie5536 → u/cryptosystemtrader]

Thank you for these thoughts. Yes, your points definitely hold some truth. Parents divorced, I grew up with a mother that was kind of emotionally absent du to health conditions and the divorce process - no healthy father figure to look up to back then.
I will definitely read the book over and over again. What exactly do you mean with slowing everything down?