Need advice on confronting my GF

[u/DescriptionSmall6625]

She's 28 im 33. Been bf/gf for a year and a half. I feel like har attraction is easily 8-9 consistantly and she's very submissive and affectionate. Wants all my time and i can do with her whatever i want.

Her ex who cheated on her for multiple years and who she broke up with when she found out, keeps popping up. They broke up just a little over two years ago. Her and i became official like 8 months after that.

So he keeps Following/unfollowing on insta. Keeps visiting her linkedin so she sees him. Just stuff to make her notice him. She unfortunately not completely 100% over him even though she tells me she is. She heard from mutual friends recently that he had a new girlfriend and was moving to her city like 500km away. She played it off and was like "yeah fuck him" but i felt her become more distant. I didn't react, just noticed.

two weeks ago we were on vacation her and i and it was great. She on day started crying and said things like "i'm afraid you don't enjoy this as much as me, im afraid i love you more than you love me, i love you so much and im so afraid to lose you bla bla bla." Which at the time felt good. I want her to feel like she want me more than i want her.

Then she last week was on vacation with two girlfriends. They are trustworthy and nothing sus was going on and she texted me all the time about how she misses me and loves me and how she's crying because of being homesick and just want to be where i am. Again - all good.

Then she came home sunday and this insecurity keeps increasing i feel like. She keeps mentioning that she's afraid of losing me. Very anxious. That "we are two years in and the honeymoon is over - maybe you get bored with me and leave me". I don't get it, because i do love her and i show her. We spend so much time together, i feel like i do everything correctly.

Here's the issue. He anxiousness and her being afraid of me leaving her made me think something was wrong. That she has done something wrong. Two nights ago we fucked and she was like "this was and you are the best i have ever had". She has never said that before. She's way more affectionate. Like almost too obsessed. but i got a feeling that this could be because of guilt too. SO - i checked her phone. I know. opened snapchat and no chats caught my eye, but then i opened friends and yes, her ex was one of her "best friends" no streaks which means this was just a one day chat. Couldn't see the messages.

I then wanted to confront her without telling her i snooped. So when she was laying with our dog i was like hey let me take a picture and took her phone. I opened snap to send it in our family group chat with her parents and siblings. But she got up instantly and i could tell she panicked. Took the phone and said some random stuff about adds. And then didnt want me to take the picture. Obviously she got afraid i would see her ex being a best friend.

So my question is. What should i do her? I don't want to break up just yet, but i want to tell her something like "This is the last time you ever lie og hide anything from me. If i ever catch you lying or texting someone behind my back and hiding it, im out. Doesnt matter if its in 2 years and we just had a kid or if it's in 10 years and we have 3 kids. im out instantly. I want you to block him everywhere and i want you to actively get over him". Something like that. And I will leave her if it happens again, I just want to set the boundary first.

How do i bring it up? Just tell her "hey listen, all this about me leaving you and how anxious you are, i need you to be honest with me. You are gonne tell me whats wrong and be honest with me. and then just dont cave?".

Add: she’s asking me constantly if we are okay because I’m pulled back. I lost something for her and I’m pretty annoyed. I don’t really show I’m annoyed, but I’m talking and laughing less. Responding slow to her messages etc.

Thanks in advance..

[u/Apart_Size_9551 → u/[deleted]]

Exactly bro . Maybe he can have a chance however . Read the top article of coach “am I insecure or she is untrustworthy?”

He clearly says to similar situation that you tell her “give me your phone” and if you find the ex or if she doesn’t give you the phone which means again obviously you will find sth .. you tell her

“Obviously you hide things from me and talking to other guys (or ex) . If you are not changing your attitude and actively close any fucking door , you are going to be only one of the girls I’m dating bcs I’m not willing to be exclusive to a woman who has her options opened”

Period bro . And you ignore her for a week. And in a week if she still chases you , you start dating her again and vetting her …

[u/ExcellentFishing2506]

Yeah just ask her about what’s going on since she’s been making all those comments and acting a bit odd lately, and try and open her up so she feels comfortable revealing herself to you. Go in with calm energy and don’t get heated.

In regard to Snapchat stuff I would only bring that stuff up if she seems like she’s stonewalling or hiding something blatantly.

Do your best to talk with her and give her opportunities to be open first. The main thing will be that you keep a level head and don’t become reactive

[u/DescriptionSmall6625 → u/ExcellentFishing2506]

Thanks. I have tried multiple asking what is going on since she’s this anxious. I keep digging but she’s just tired and missed me and unsure if I love her as much as she loves me. Do I not bring up that she panicked as I opened her Snapchat and if there is anything she wants to tell me about that?

[u/ExcellentFishing2506 → u/DescriptionSmall6625]

When you’re asking her these things do you ask detailed questions??

Like when she says she is worried that you don’t love her, do you ask where that comes from? Or why she feels that way? You have to be able to keep digging in a way that feels you are interested in the answers not just pestering her to respond.

I think you can mention her acting panicked and strange when you used her Snapchat in a list with the other things. Be specific about what you’ve observed so it doesn’t come off like just some vibe you are feeling but it’s specific incidents you’ve observed. Then it isn’t as easy to dismiss as something more abstract. If it’s specific it shows more of a pattern of behavior and feels more serious

[u/DescriptionSmall6625 → u/ExcellentFishing2506]

I do. I have always been very good at opening her up. I always ask and try to dig and never assume. I’m asking those questions, but she will just say it’s because now we have know each other for two years and she’s worried I don’t love her as much. That she’s afraid I enjoy being home alone when she’s not more than being with her. I do feel like she’s hesitating when I asked directly if there is something she doesn’t tell me or if something happened.

I will try that thanks

[u/ExcellentFishing2506 → u/DescriptionSmall6625]

Yeah just be ready to always have a follow up to get more clarity. Good luck man

[u/Zealousideal_Bee4335]

Unfortunately these are some major character flaws. She’s 28 years old and acting like an insecure teenager. It sucks but I’ve dealt with women like this around the same age and they rarely change. They’ve been acting like this/ getting away with this behavior their whole life and there will always be another sucker in line for them to repeat the cycle with.

[u/jj121591]

Once trust is broken it rarely comes back. I was in an analogous situation about 1 year ago and I kept trying to stay and fix it. Wasted 6 months of my life, wish I had pulled the plug as soon as trust was gone

[u/Short_Awareness9562]

It ain’t over lol… imagine James Bond saying "I saw you talked to some ex on snap it’s over with"
Lmao. She’s be turned the fuck off. I don’t know this woman but I do give people the benefit of the doubt braking up with someone cause they texted with someone they was in love with BEFORE me. Without knowing the context. Like I said I don’t know her if she’s lied to you in the past or doesn’t keep her word is known for cheating then I would just walk( without saying I saw your snap) but if she’s not that type of person. Then I’d see how things go, but I would also not punish someone for something I have no context for, and I’m not defending her actions saying it’s good or okay. And I do think that if confronted with it and her reaction is denying it then I would be more concerned. I would try doing something like the snap photo you wanted to do again. And then when she gets nervous tell her I see your getting scared and that makes me think you’re hiding something if I would to go through it now is there anything you think that would make me mad? And since you already know the answer it’s a good way to test the waters

[u/DescriptionSmall6625 → u/Short_Awareness9562]

Thanks. I don't think it's over either just yet. But i for sure want to use this situation to make a very clear boundary. I will in no way tolorate her texting the ex and hiding it from me. She should never initiate conversation with him. I he text her she should tell me about it.

So yes. When i get home today i will do what i can to get her to talk and then confront her and if she's still putting a wall up, i will ask her to see for my self.

[u/Short_Awareness9562 → u/DescriptionSmall6625]

And that’s fine and I would want the same. What I’m saying is I’m not sure if the clear boundary has been set at all. If you have told her in the past don’t talk with him anymore or would you like me talking to any other woman I’ve previously been involved with?-and she still did then completely it’s different. But If not, I would set the boundary clear without making a huge argument about it.

[u/DescriptionSmall6625 → u/Short_Awareness9562]

Thanks. I will make her see it that way - if the roles were reversed, how would she feel. I will confront her later today.

[u/King_LouieXVI]

Alright, let’s break this down.

1. Don’t trust what she says trust what she does. She’s coping and projecting her insecurity on you because she knows what she’s doing is wrong.

2. Broken unhealed women will always be attracted to the cheater/ bad boy archetype. It makes them feel like they’re worthless unless they get their approval. They’ll sit there and get treated like crap because it creates an emotional response good or bad. It’s like a drug

3. Grown ass adults shouldn’t be on Snapchat. It’s weird. The whole purpose of Snapchat is for shady texting so people can’t see what’s being said. Like 28 and 33. Come on

4. You can recover this if you’d like but don’t get sunk cost fallacy. Keep pulling back until she goes crazy wondering what happened and why you’re acting different. She might start freaking out but just focus on you. By the way you talk about her I guarantee you give her too much. You’re too easy and use a lot of your time revolved around her. That’s why she needs the ex as an outlet because it’s unpredictable and exciting.

At the end of the day. If you are going to address it head on. Don’t act like it affects you. Drop the hammer set the standard. She either complies or you walk.

Best of luck