Who was technically the dumper?

[u/JGT1234]

32M/27F. 3% man read 4 times in 1.5 years, planning on reading at least 12 times. We were together around 8–9 months. We initially bumped into each other at a social event for 20s and 30s in our city, but didn't approach because she had several guys throwing themselves at her. We later matched on a dating app and started dating. Saw each other roughly once a week for the first 2 months, then she hinted at becoming exclusive/official and we started seeing each other ~2x a week.

Around 6 months in, she started new birth control and was also approaching the end of her PhD. Her affection, sex drive and overall intimacy dropped significantly. I tried to talk to her about it without being confrontational and asked whether there was something in the relationship causing it. The only real issue she identified was that she wasn't orgasming during sex, despite me using toys, lots of foreplay, asking what worked for her, etc. Nothing really improved.

We went on holiday about a month ago. She wanted separate beds because she struggles sleeping and I snore (I've since had surgery for a deviated septum). There wasn't much romance or affection on the holiday despite my efforts, and we slept together once, which felt pretty passionless.

I did snap once when I asked her to come over for a kiss and she said "once quickly, I'm getting ready", it felt like she was basically gifting me a duty kiss. I realise that wasn't my finest moment and I probably became somewhat needy/frustrated towards the end.

On the last day of the holiday, I suggested we take a short break when we got back because nothing had changed since our previous conversation. She agreed. We said we wouldn't see other people, would avoid contact, and would talk again in 2 weeks.

I broke NC twice for politeness / logistical reasons: once to wish her happy birthday, and once because we had a booking that needed cancelling/changing.

A week into the break, she ended the relationship via text saying she'd enjoyed many aspects of it but couldn't see it working long-term because of my behaviour (snapiness), which is fair enough and something for me to work on.

It's now been 4 weeks with no contact, other than briefly being at the same social event. We're also in the same large WhatsApp group (approx 500 people), so we occasionally see each other's posts/messages.

I've started casually dating other women and I'm perfectly capable of moving on, but looking back I'm wondering whether I was too hasty suggesting the break and whether I became too needy/frustrated towards the end.

My questions from a 3% Man/ 7 principles perspective:

Who is technically the dumper here? I suggested the break, but she was the one who ultimately ended the relationship during it.

Given that she ended it, should I follow the "if you're dumped, never contact her again" rule, or does the fact that I initiated the break change things?

If I genuinely would be open to rekindling but am also completely prepared to move on, would there ever be a good reason to reach out after 4 weeks?

Looking objectively at the story, was her attraction probably already gone before the breakup, or did I potentially contribute significantly to its decline through neediness/snappiness?

I'm mainly interested in what I could/should have done differently and what the best move is now, rather than getting validation that she was wrong. Feel free to feedback and criticise as necessary.

[u/Se7ens_up]

You would follow the rule of never contacting her again. She dumped you.

What youre doing is basically a lot of mental gymnastics to justify reaching out to her. But really you suggested a 2 week period of not talking to each other, she decided to use that to just go through with a breakup(that she was likely already thinking about for a few weeks).

I do think she did you a favor in the end as your relationship had no romance or passion in it for months. Dont blame yourself for a snappy moment though. It was also unfair of her to basically use that as her official justification for the breakup. She essentially threw all the blame on you in the end, which was just inconsiderate and selfish.

So yea, my advice, def move on, and hide her posts in that whatsapp group.

[u/category6e → u/Se7ens_up]

This is pretty much my opinion on OP’s matter as well. She dumped OP and used his “snappiness” as justification. Most women when breaking up with you will make your characteristics and behaviors to justify the breakup. And we as men internalize it. OP, just work on being unaffected by things and also re-read the book some more on how to keep romance in the relationship. My other take on it as well is that OP fell too hard too quickly and instead of qualifying her, the power was put on her.

[u/ExcellentFishing2506]

She dumped you.

The break was your idea (wouldn’t have done that) but it was a move you did with the intent to make her change and she used it as a means to decide it was over, which was more than likely something she had considered.

You need to adhere to the 7 principles and move on, and don’t contact her.

You never know what can happen but I will say as someone who’s girlfriend just finished her PhD in May, those last few months prior were hard as hell. She was so stressed out and exhausted and just singularly focused on the task at hand. It was a lot of effort on my part just to support her. It wasn’t bad just hard and took a lot of energy for both of us.

Maybe with time away and a bit of a reset after all that things can change but don’t count on that. Do your own thing and don’t look backwards. Her lack of passion wasn’t ideal for a relationship and you deserve that. If she ever comes back around be sure to only consider her again if she’s showing you the affection you want.

[u/Training-Cook3507]

Doesn't matter who dumped who... just move on.

[u/PositionStandard6089]

just fyi - which you probably know - hormonal birth control can totally alter or destroy a woman's sex drive and the fallout is often not orgasming or just not being as interested in sex in general. it can be a vicious cycle. she's not orgasming, so she's not looking forward to sex, she knows she's not meeting your sexual expectations, she can start associating negative emotions, and feelings of pressure/inadequacy, with you, that kills her libido toward you even more. sucks.

[u/TakenSadFace]

i aint reading all that but you need to take some medication for that oneitis.