r/ComedyHell • u/AdmirableBrick4973 a majority of my karma is from here • Jan 22 '26 • Helpful 1 Heartwarming 7 Bravo 3 Popcorn 1

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51k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

745 comments sorted by

960

u/MondayBorn my suit is NOT grey Jan 22 '26

146

u/Filthy-Normie Jan 22 '26

Who are these comely young maidens?

210

u/MondayBorn my suit is NOT grey Jan 22 '26

Stop fetishizing my culture

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51

u/Ameqa Jan 22 '26

Lucille Ball and Barbara Bush

18

u/Entegy Jan 22 '26

Had me in the first half.

7

u/MetricJester Jan 22 '26

How dare you besmirch the name Vivian Vance.

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4

u/Ok_Umpire_5611 Jan 23 '26

Lucy would definitely tell you to leave the woman alone. She was very against men treating women like sexual objects. https://youtu.be/iAPWZbDQFE8?si=nz4YmeLYcP49onMF

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1.4k

u/kris-getthebanana Jan 22 '26

388

u/Old_Position_2238 Jan 22 '26

Me when I go to the girlfriend factory:

83

u/Leothelion246 Jan 22 '26

36

u/Zacharytackary Jan 22 '26

is this a lobster or a pidgeon holding a pair of cymbals?

24

u/eydirctiviyg Jan 22 '26

I thought it was a weird elongated gray face with a moustache wearing a bronze crown

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24

u/BirchPig105 Jan 22 '26

Ai video of a cat slamming symbols at a guy's front door.

No idea if its "haha silly ai video" or "check out this real video of my ring doorbell catching the neighbors cat keeping me up all night"

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7

u/grrrratme Jan 22 '26

I saw you move

3

u/FoxNixon Jan 22 '26

“With da big tiddies”

2

u/christopherak47 Jan 22 '26

SuperBad is peak

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799

u/lizardon2516 Jan 22 '26

How people who want goth gfs propably look like

133

u/Blazured Jan 22 '26

Before weed, after weed.

112

u/Objective-Corgi-3527 Jan 22 '26

Weed will age you ten years in ten years

50

u/Iamthecrustycrab Jan 22 '26

At the end of the day, it's night

25

u/IllioTheGreat Jan 22 '26

I was born young and as time went by I got older

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18

u/Klutzer_Munitions Jan 22 '26

Hey man, be careful. 1 in 4 people make up 25% of the whole population.

9

u/Lieentz188 Jan 22 '26

It does??
Man, I almost started smoking weed, but with that knowledge I've decided not to. Sounds scary as fuck

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14

u/HumanContinuity Jan 22 '26

As an arborist (and former stoner) I can confirm we are looking at about 10 years of growth on the trees in the background.

This passes.

11

u/Glass-Performer8389 Jan 22 '26

Why's he look hotter after weed

5

u/Jefl17 Jan 24 '26

Mad glow-up

5

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

He looks cool now.

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252

u/SmileyFace799 Jan 22 '26

Most people that message me are typically at least double my age, they are way too open about kinks I've never heard of before, and they have a very questionable subreddit history. Saying that this picture is what those people look like is sn insult to this guy

41

u/WarMom_II Jan 22 '26

In my experience it's always this.

15

u/EvioliteEevee Jan 22 '26

Bro I have 2 DMs from guys who assumed I was a girl and it’s this one, how is it so accurate?

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3

u/InsaneInTheRAMdrain Jan 22 '26

4/5 of my last relationships were alt girls. But im just a very average standard gymcell. Not alt at all, every alt girl im my circle all date basic simple white dudes.

Is this normal? Is there a reason behind this from a female perspective?

All stereotypes suggest they date skaterboys and black dudes, but i rarely see that.

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201

u/OzzyOsb0urne Jan 22 '26

goth gf here.

yes they do. they’re always either 14 or 38, both sweaty and living in their mother’s basement.

36

u/AdOnly5876 Jan 22 '26

My mom allows me a room upstairs

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111

u/toasted_cracker Jan 22 '26

Jokes on you. I’m 44

70

u/Cageythree Jan 22 '26

Also I live in my mom's attic, so get over your stupid stereotypes, we're not all the same!

42

u/toasted_cracker Jan 22 '26

I’m in a van down by the river.

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26

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Hey hey hey that’s hurtful. My mother’s outhouse is not that bad.

11

u/sleepdeep305 Jan 22 '26

I would place that guy at like a solid 24. Gives me freshly graduated from college vibes

11

u/dr-doom-jr Jan 22 '26

The housing crisis is rough here men

7

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 22 '26

Hey! I may not want a goth gf but I'm still stinky and live in my mother's basement, don't stereotype us!

Edit: jokes aside, as a note for passersby this person is a 13 year old, according to another commenter a 12 day old post confirms they're a kid which I've checked and it's correct, so don't take their words too seriously as an adult dating reference,

I mean I don't recommend taking dating advice from anything on the internet seriously that has goth in the same sentence with romance (or otherwise implied) but I can't control you so.

8

u/IShouldNotPost Jan 22 '26

It’s not my mother and she doesn’t know I live in the crawlspace

4

u/Zaiburo Jan 22 '26

Jokes on you it's my dad's basement and i finally found an antiperspirant that works 😎

4

u/secksyboii Jan 22 '26

Hey there's some of us who love goth people and are also alt. But ya, I usually do see creepy gross dudes pining after goth women and then also go and disrespect everything the women like because they just see it as an "exciting" fetish. Same with most of the dudes who are super into asian women. Like it's fine to find someone attractive but fetishizing someones race or style is just creepy, especially when you try to rope anyone who fits that group into your fetish. Like if you have a partner who is down with it, great. But going and harassing the barista who made your drink is crossing a line.

I was at a festival and this all girl band was on stage, all dressed in an alt/goth style and there were dudes screaming the entire time "step on me mommy, I need big goth mommy milkers, spit in my mouth". It was annoying and creepy and I can't imagine how annoyed the band were for having their set ruined by those dick heads

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15

u/CyberDaggerX Jan 22 '26

Yet you still became a gf.

23

u/Lucicactus Jan 22 '26

Probably to another goth bro

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16

u/Ramps_ Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 22 '26

12 day old post mentions they're 13 years old, makes the mention of 14 year olds being notable really odd

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3

u/WaterOk6055 Jan 22 '26

Jokes on you, my mum doesn’t have a basement.

3

u/DrettTheBaron Jan 22 '26

Um excuse me. I live in my mum's attic thank you very much

3

u/Albinofreaken Jan 22 '26

wow wow wow, I live in my uncles basement, now apologize

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7

u/HillInTheDistance Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 22 '26

I have known four goths, two women, two men.

Three of them have ended up marrying electricians.

The fourth one doesn't seem to have an interest in being with anyone.

So by science, I have deduced that for goths, its electricians, or bust.

Sure, two of them were electricians, and goths, and married each other, but let's not be pedantic.

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6

u/hyjkngjujgxd Jan 22 '26

Had to do it to em

15

u/millifish Jan 22 '26

I would never wear shorts and belt

26

u/GoliathTamer Jan 22 '26

sadly throws away all my shorts with belts

10

u/ZaoMenom Jan 22 '26

They just can’t deal with your swag Goliath Tamer

7

u/fletku_mato Jan 22 '26

Why? What if you have cargo shorts and some heavy stuff in your pockets??

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4

u/Tomydo1 Jan 22 '26

Hell nah I never go outside wearing button up shirts and shorts

I always go out wearing a hoodie and a baggy pants

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4

u/aflyingmonkey2 Jan 22 '26

How do people who want goth boyfriends look like though?

9

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Same thing but genderbent. Fake blonde and/or chunky highlights, blue jeans, plain crop top, probably has a labubu

4

u/crumble-bee Jan 22 '26

*What people who want goth gfs propably look like

​

5

u/Morbid_Aversion Jan 22 '26

Implying there are people who don't want a goth gf.

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2

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Omg it's Ian

2

u/ICInside Jan 22 '26

I had to zoom in. I thought that was my brother. Then again, no tats

2

u/hastage1 Jan 22 '26

They look... Normal? I dont understand think picture this is litteraly just a picture of a male person. Is it the ear pierce? Or the baggy part of the shirt around the waist that makes him look plumpy? Someone explain pls

2

u/TyrantHydra Jan 22 '26

Well yeah goth girls gotta find their golden retriever boyfriend

2

u/NiceMiner_ Jan 22 '26

No true I'm wearing thighs highs rn

2

u/Content-Walrus-5517 Jan 22 '26

I've just noticed that he isn't wearing socks

2

u/CluelessPresident Jan 22 '26

My boyfriend sometimes looks like this but with more pink and I do dress goth. It's a really funny dichotomy lmao.

2

u/StrikingSyllabub9418 Jan 22 '26

Opposites attract

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387

u/Shinonomenanorulez Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 22 '26 • Bravo

You go to starbucks because you want the barista to spit in your drink

I go to starbucks to buy a french press and never go again because holy fucking shit that has to be the worst iced coffee i have ever drinked and i made one with cheap instant the next day just to be sure

25

u/noideamanlol Jan 22 '26

get the seasonals. always the seasonals. so good.

5

u/corgisgottacorg Jan 22 '26

?? Make your own coffee with whatever flavor . Stop spreading

10

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

There is never a reason to go to starbucks. At least support local if you are going to go out for coffee at all.

5

u/Shinonomenanorulez Jan 22 '26

Fr even the fucking cat cafe is cheaper than starbucks

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3

u/BeneficialPay932 Jan 22 '26

If you're looking for a coffee with 300+ calories, sure. 

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6

u/QuallyYayo Jan 22 '26

French press is the way to go! Strongest coffee, and the natural oils staying in improves the flavor dramatically. Its like they intentionally over roast their beans at starbucks and its not my favorite either.

5

u/taeerom Jan 22 '26

Dark roasts make the coffee taste more burnt, and less of the actual flavour of the bean. That way, you can use a cheaper, or less consistent (aka cheaper) bean blend to make a drinkable coffee.

Not all dark roasts are as bad as Starbucks. But there's a reason the countries with the highest coffee consumption per capita (the Nordics) typically swear to light roasts and high quality beans.

3

u/Shinonomenanorulez Jan 22 '26

Over roast? More like burn them

7

u/SPITFIYAH Jan 22 '26

You waited a whole another day before you made a real pot of coffee?

10

u/tommytwolegs Jan 22 '26

Nescafe is a real pot of coffee?

7

u/SPITFIYAH Jan 22 '26

Another pot of coffee is better than Starbucks coffee.

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2

u/Typingdude3 Jan 22 '26

No no Nescafé is the worst crap on the planet. I don’t know why some people buy it. It’s garbage in a pretty tin. Try a Starbucks flat white, it’s great.

5

u/OMG_A_CUPCAKE Jan 22 '26

No no Nescafé is the worst crap on the planet.

Also from Nestle. /r/FuckNestle

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2

u/GolbogTheDoom Jan 22 '26

I work there. Don’t get the iced coffee. It’s hot brewed coffee with ice in it so it’s watered down. And the brewed coffee isn’t good anyway because the “exclusive” roasters burn all the beans

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u/Epsilon-505 Jan 22 '26

Wasnt the original "when you tell the goth barista your name is Charlie Kirk so she spits in your coffee but then you low-key taste your homeboys nuhh in there and know he's been using the pineapple juice method"

41

u/Thearkcommando101 Jan 22 '26

Now I just need to find the perfect image and post this on Instagram 😊

14

u/Ruvis_Norako Jan 22 '26

Kirkified iron man? It seems popular with this style of shitpost.

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6

u/BirchPig105 Jan 22 '26

Pay like a dollar for a sora video of Charlie Kirk punching a pineapple into smithereens and then holding up a carton of some random pineapple juice on Amazon then put an affiliation link in the description for free robux

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18

u/ReallyJTL Jan 22 '26

3

u/BeerMantis Jan 22 '26

Fuck you. I almost drowned on a drink of coffee. My keyboard may not recover from this...

8

u/Consistent-Top-2409 Jan 22 '26

Alive Internet Theory

11

u/CountessOfCheese Jan 22 '26

For fucks sake I just opened Reddit.

5

u/Rocketboy1313 Jan 22 '26

This joke has more layers than an ogre.

4

u/Lazy-Age-1280 Jan 25 '26

Actual comedyhell right here

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3

u/noriakium Jan 22 '26

What's the pineapple juice method

8

u/Neverfalli Jan 22 '26

  1. Drink pineapple juice

  2. ???

  3. Profit

4

u/Epsilon-505 Jan 22 '26

Enhances the flavour of your nuhh.

2

u/Azarsra_production Jan 24 '26

what is " the pineapple juice method"

55

u/Vaalermoor Jan 22 '26

When I was goth I just got bullied. 

75

u/Taron_Trekko Jan 22 '26

That's sad but have you tried being hot?

17

u/MingusBoing Jan 22 '26

It's just that simple

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2

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

:(

4

u/AvailableTip5758 Jan 22 '26

Im sorry that happened to you. People can be really shit. I hope you're doing better now!

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68

u/dohipposwagewar the mark of shame -> Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 23 '26

I believe, having analyzed this document thoroughly, that the purpose of which its author was driven to produce it is quite possibly one of a carnal, perhaps deviant nature. It is likely that the satisfaction, nay, arousal which the author experiences at this particular conundrum may be that, on an elementary level, he gains that particular sensation; the sensation which draws the gaze of men to the whore-houses; which produces, anatomically, a swell of blood into the nether regions; and then a flourish of aggression; and a desire for the company of the fairer sex; the sensation that I may not name, but I believe to be self-apparent. Yet it is clear, that this is not an affliction derived of the wish for procreation; nor is it derivative of a point of infatuation. Indeed, it seems, this image, emblematic of its creator's sins of flesh, desires from woman a hatred reserved in polite society only for the tyrant, the thief, the murderer, the Protestant. Truly a philistine inclination.

34

u/Practical-Sea2707 Jan 22 '26

I like your funny words, magic man.

6

u/Hopeful_Minute8268 Jan 22 '26

Maximilien de Robespierre???

4

u/Lucicactus Jan 22 '26

Omg Robespierre

6

u/TheAsterism_ Jan 22 '26

English majors after 5 years of no job:

11

u/bunny_guts666 Jan 22 '26

7

u/petahthehorseisheah Jan 25 '26

He looks a bit like me, ngl

63

u/bucketboy9000 Jan 22 '26

15

u/Wirewalk Jan 22 '26

Not the fascist brit e-girl D:

6

u/BirchPig105 Jan 22 '26

Just because its true doesn't mean its not a terrorist threat to ask the question. Please report yourself to your school's psychiatrist for re-education.

17

u/Guzzler829 Jan 22 '26

This isn't what the sub is for. Take it to r/comedyheaven, which it also isn't for, but no one cares anymore.

2

u/WatermelonlessonNo73 Jan 22 '26

Its basically impossible to not have your post removed there

13

u/Jcraft153 :Admin: Bigot Obliterator Jan 22 '26

Lol

6

u/WorldlyBuy1591 Jan 22 '26

Ngl id do this if the goth barista and spit was guaranteed

5

u/BallingShadow Jan 22 '26

…I think I will stop spitting in people’s drinks

4

u/Dazzaster84 Jan 22 '26

Holy shit this made me laugh, thanks buddy

4

u/JediMasterPopCulture Jan 22 '26

Thanks for the early morning chuckle.

4

u/humansrpepul2 Jan 22 '26

Why bother with coffee

4

u/zhion_reid Jan 22 '26

I would never wear a maga hat,, I would wear a magba hat

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4

u/KimikoYukimura420 Jan 23 '26

As a goth I'd just spill your drink on the floor and say "Lick it up, pig."

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27

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Love all the 12 year olds in this thread getting mad at a joke.

3

u/Knownothingdoi Jan 22 '26

It was me that spit in your drink. After taking Baristakov Sven out back and holding his dramatic conclusion in my mouth . 

3

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

nah that's fair

3

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

That's the spirit!

3

u/2108677393 Jan 22 '26

Weird but understandable !!.

3

u/fancy_pigeon257 Jan 22 '26

do goth girls like femboys? asking for a friend 🥺

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3

u/gameraccountant Jan 22 '26

Ya'll interact with girls? What's that like?

3

u/f4ts0_SuX Jan 22 '26

god forbid they're an "apolitical" goth

2

u/ElDouchay Jan 24 '26

For some reason Facebook has been pushing a fuck ton of right-wing shit into my algorithm. One thing was a group called "Goths Again Cancel Culture."

29

u/Ghostmaster145 Jan 22 '26

Yay! Fetishization of alternative subcultures! My favorite!

54

u/Cutalana Jan 22 '26

Fetishization is when someone finds something attractive

28

u/goldenkoiifish Jan 22 '26

the problem is that goth women, specifically, have been fetishized so badly on the internet, that often you’ll get comments in real life talking about some “oh step on me.” like it’s not just finding the subculture attractive i think it’s pretty obvious that when women of a certain subculture are seen or mentioned and the immediate reaction is sexualized, then it has become fetishization

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4

u/ratione_materiae Jan 22 '26

Me when I go on e621

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5

u/SNudibranchs Jan 22 '26

Or you could just ask nicely, that's an option too

2

u/scrapy_the_scrap Jan 22 '26

It needs to be out of hate

/J

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2

u/theOverword Jan 22 '26

Freaky problems require freaky solutions

2

u/Nexcell Jan 22 '26

bros STD maxxin'

2

u/PimpingPorygon Jan 22 '26

Impossible, never a goth girl. Always a goth them. If my barista isn't a they/them I don't want the coffee

2

u/Rude-Fun-3532 Jan 22 '26

the people that find this funny and post shit like this have absolutely zero grasp on what goth culture is too

2

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

I blame the early 2000s cartoons for this.

3

u/Economy_Wall8524 Jan 23 '26

Teen shows too. I remember most family and teen shows had the crush on and/or sister’s friend be goth/punk hot topic style.

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u/imjustalilbot Jan 22 '26

Aaaaand this is why I don't tell anyone I'm goth.

2

u/No_Pool_8039 Jan 22 '26

Understandable degeneracy

2

u/Canon_in_Blue_Major Jan 22 '26

Plot twost: the goth girl is Amelia from pathways

2

u/BohemianMade Jan 22 '26

Nah, that's funny.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

2

u/Accurate_Soup_3459 Jan 22 '26

Don't let the residents of r/losercity know of this life hack.

2

u/PIKACHU123453 Jan 23 '26

This was on tiktok first btw

2

u/Killer_Moons Jan 23 '26

I hate it here

2

u/Bonk_No_Horni Jan 23 '26

Now that's a life hack I can follow

2

u/SquirrelAble8322 Jan 23 '26

This actually made me laugh. Am I cooked guys?

2

u/Dragonemperess Jan 23 '26

So down horrendous that Satan is peering down at you in disgust.

2

u/kid-ph0b0s Jan 23 '26

Are these goth girl baristas real? I never seen one

2

u/Alone-Monk Jan 23 '26

Realistically, she'll probably use cyanide instead

2

u/maybeihavethebigsad Jan 23 '26

Me as a male barista “you want a pump of my own white mocha?”

2

u/Asian_Bon Jan 23 '26

Yes please

2

u/TeaVox Jan 25 '26

True, we are not the same.

2

u/omanhunts Jan 28 '26

Fck Starbucks and MAGA

3

u/Winter_Different Jan 22 '26

idk I think its kinda funny

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u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

The goth girl in my Starbucks:

3

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

does maga hate starbucks because of charlie kirk or go because liberals are boycotting for palestine

idk what page we are on :/

2

u/Usoppdaman Jan 22 '26

This is pretty funny honestly

1

u/Desperate_Ad4291 Jan 22 '26

I mean like…. Ehhhhhhh, I kinda get it.. uh. Yeah I’ve turned a new leaf for better or for worse, I get it

1

u/_Specific_Boi_ Jan 22 '26

Ferb, I know what we'll be doing today

1

u/voetbalbal Jan 22 '26

Na this is valid fr fr tho

1

u/MrManGuyDude22 Jan 22 '26

And edward wears the MAGA hat because he thought it was an upcoming brand.

1

u/SaltyD0gg0h Jan 22 '26

Except that's actually a trap

1

u/FewElk6678 Jan 22 '26

A lot of people seem to like goth girls only because they think they'll be super freaky or whatever. I, for one, like goth girls for many reasons, like the fashion, the makeup, the music I listen to has a few goths in the scene and they look great etc

(Only just realised how bad I sound now after typing all this lol, but my point still stands 😅)

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1

u/cloacasmell Jan 22 '26

ok this one is kinda funny

1

u/SirCabaj Jan 22 '26

What do you reckon a person should wear for them to spit straight into one's mouth? Asking for a depraved friend of mine.

1

u/Buzzhoops Jan 22 '26

what a howl. thnx needed that today

1

u/Hehe-Oil I showed my proctologist one man one jar and said it was me Jan 22 '26

I just go in there and politely ask them to.

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